"DH’s work schedule is hectic. When he gets finally gets home in the evenings, all he does is deal with his son."

Herein lies the problem...so you can't get him to do what you want him to do, so Dad "deals" with him when he gets home. Dad needs to make more time for him. Just because, not because he earned it. My guess is that his dad splitting his time with you, the babies and THEN him is not working for him, especially if the time he gets him, his dad is "dealing" with him. They need to bond, and you need to step back. YOU (in his eyes) are why he doesn't get his dad as much. So why should YOU tell him what to do? Kids don't want to be bribed or punished, they want to be understood. Look at things from his perspective and think about how it would feel if you were him. Also, I'm not a fan of antidepressants. He's a bit young for that. Dad needs to connect with him.

I wanted to add also that a lot of his behavior is typical for 11 yo boys. Choose your battles wisely.

As a stepmom it really shouldn't be up to you to disipline him, but as he lives there full time and you are his primary carer that makes it very difficult you probably don't have much option. Have you tried the opposite of being on his back and getting him to perhaps engage more with the little ones then praise him for taking them off your hands while you did some chore that you would otherwise get him to do. That way he would perhaps feel more like a grown up kid in the family and at least you would feel like you got him to do something. I really don't know. I honestly don't think antidepressents are the answer for an 11 year old, but then I'm not his doctor, but I do think these could be adding to his lethargy and lack of interest. Have you had the dosage checked lately.

I agree you really cannot disengage from an 11 year old particularly one who lives with you full time. You must be exhausted. Perhaps you may have to try turning a blind eye to whatever you can ie: his room, shut the door, I know that would drive me mad, but you may have to just pick your battles, if he hurts the other kids, okay step in, but if he refuses to do his homework, let the teacher deal with it. Try and offload wherever you can. Talk to the teacher first though. If you can share some of the load and dad doesn't have to come home and deal with him it might help. Dad coming home to deal with him every night can't be a motivating thought either for him.

All I can say is share whatever you can between home and school, let the Counseller deal with whatever you can let her deal with, perhaps make a list of things you would like her to take up with him, instead of you and dad having to do all of it, and most importantly, pick your battles and turn a blind eye to whatever you possibly can for your sake not his.

It seems that EVERY age is 'difficult' and I agree that you should pick your battles but I would also just ignore alot of what he does or doesn't do and let dad deal with him. It's just too bad that dad is so busy & tired when he gets home...ummm by the way....so are you! I've been in this position with my SS15 for the past 6 years. I have just give him an instruction, I then tell FDH what I've done. If he (SS) chooses to ignore me, I will then say to FDH 'remember i told SS to do XY or Z this morning...well he hasn't done it' and in that way his dad has to get him straight...that is IF he feels like not being a disney daddy.

Good luck

When a child is on antidepressants, there can sometimes be more damage being done than a person may think. I'm not going to chew you out, I believe you & understand that you are trying everything you can possibly think of. You sound like an amazing person if anything I have had experience with severe depression at a young age. Here are my fears when I hear kids are on antidepressants & an idea I would like to ask you about. It can affect the development, appetite, chemicals in the brain for that's what they are suppose to do but its not always the correct medicine or dose, & probably more. Than the child turns into a teenager with even more problems. Just for a minute here think of the child like you would if it were your car... If you have an oil leak would you just keep adding oil as a fix? Sure it can stop your engine from seizing up on short trips but on the other hand, could the problem turn into a bigger oil leak in given time? So back to the point, could you or have you maybe tried getting blood work done in case he is for example anemic? I was really low on several vitiams & iron that went undiagnosed for many years. They put me on drugs & I felt worse than one day, my mother just took me to the local GNC store. She told the worker what had been going on, my behavior, attitude, actions, & asked what do you suggest for us to try. I laughed thinking that they all were stupid (enjoyed the attention-shh) & it wasn't going to work. Doctors & my parents had me convinced that I was depressed but it was a health condition if you will. After consistent use of the GNC pills, my mom noticed improvement in my behavior & my energy level increased. I felt like my energy increase.

Ideas if you hadn't already tried them. Keep your SS's school posted about what has/will be going on. Ask to be notified of all behavioral change while he is in school. Ween him off antidepressants (assuming its safe for I'am not a doctor), bring him to the GNC store & they may have you try 5-6 different pills. You could first have blood work done on him than again after he takes vitiams for how many ever weeks & doctors can tell you how long they take before he has a recheck. His dad can wash him down at least every other day in the shower as long as he is wearing a swimsuit. Don't recommend either of you guys chewing SS out on that. Given time, he will get sick of dad washing him & should want to do himself. Try your hardest to not bash SS to his dad but point out something he did that day which you liked. If you have to say something bad about SS then make yourself say two good things about him afterwards. When it feels like there is nothing good to say about SS, it makes it harder to say something bad about him that way

Here is the hard part, the dad has to step up & spend more QUALITY time with his son to help overcome the bashing of himself from the BM to his son. It will take time & hard work.

If this child has become so depressed over not being with his mother, then perhaps it is in the best interests of the child to let him be with his mother and DH should consider letting him leave the country. On the surface it seems selfish of DH to keep the child here pining away for his mother to the point of depresson. NOTE: I say on the surface, I have no idea of what exactly is going on, BM may be a raving drug addict for all I know, so, this is just assuming that BM can provide the child with a loving stable home. Surely if CS is an issue even she should in the best intrests of her son accept that she cannot have a large increase in CS. I am assuming that currently you as custodial parents aren't paying any CS and perhaps your financial situation is such that you may not have any money to give her, and I am mindful of the fact that there are two other children to be housed, fed and clothed here too. But if it were my child I would rather forgoe child support completely, and have the child with me it that is were he'/she wanted to be, rather than have my child become so depressed that he is not functioning. Does his BM even know what is going on with him.

I am a bit surprised the therapist has not suggested this, unless of course it has been discussed and there are circumstances other than dad saying no that prevent it. Absolutely not having a go at you, I think that you have been dumped with a load here and having a husband who is working a lot, you are managing it alone. I wish you all the best, and suggesting he go to mum, is just that, a suggestion.

My boys aren't exactly star athletes, but I think it can help a lot of boys to be involved with sports because physical exertion is helpful in making boys and men relax effectively. If my boys or my husband don't get enough exercise or time outdoors, they start getting angry, stressed, and depressed.

Wow, I feel for you. My SS11 is just starting to lash out on us and I know that this is just the beginning. Mine lives with his BM, who should be deemed unfit. My DH is a semi-Disney dad, and about 80% of the discipline falls on me. I disagree that you shouldn't discipline as a step mom, I say go for it. I think people hear "discipline" and instantly think of spanking kids but that's not the case. I could complain about my SS11 for a half hour straight because he's not with me enough to instill better behavior.

Your SS needs a wake up call. If its the case that he can't be with BM then he needs to understand that this is his life now and he should be using his time to make the best of it rather than sulk about it. I bet you want to just put him in the tub & turn the water on! It sounds like you are trying every avenue you can though. It might be time to just let him be. Maybe after a while (probably a long while)he will come to realize that you have in fact been trying to accommodate him. I don't know what to tell you about him not eating though, but I'd try giving him gummy vitamins or something just so he at least is getting basic nutrition. Both of my step sons hate all food, unless it is from a drive through or overly processed. I made them carrots one night as a veggie with dinner upon their request, and when it was served SS11 said "I like them, but I don't like them cooked this way". Step kids seem to be a never ending battle, which I don't understand because I was and still am a step kid and never gave my parents trouble like kids do now!!!

I'd also maybe think about getting a new therapist. If s/he can't get him to talk then you're wasting your time.

GOOD LUCK