Venting - Privacy Invaded
I don't want this post to be super long so here's a summary with some highlights. I really just needed to vent.
BF and BM have been separated since June of last year (going on ten or eleven months now.) They had broke up several times in the past and not long after they got pregnant he told her he wanted to end the relationship but still was there when his son was born, went to marriage counseling and so on to do everything he could to remain amiable. I moved in with him boyfriend (who would like to be my fiance) six months after his ex moved out. They are in the middle of a lengthy, lengthy divorce. Soon it will be a year long process.
1) About three or four months after I moved in we found out that BM has been hacking my boyfriends work computer. She also programmed the phone so that she was receiving the voice mails we got at home to her cell phone.
2) She refuses to let their son who is now about seven months old come over or spend the night.
3) She calls constantly, over the tiniest little things. She will not leave the divorce issues to the lawyer. The also received a Home Buyer's Credit of $5,000 she took all of it and wants us to keep their house which is NOT a nice house in ADDITION to back paying $3,000 in child support on top of that. She also took the nicer car, makes just as much as my ex and is staying at a place with no rent.
4) She called my boyfriends boss two months after I had moved in asking for his work schedule, trying to find out when he would be at work. She won't let us around him but she constantly tries to approach him at work, call, text and e-mail.
5) She moved out about TEN MONTHS ago and we just found that she has his birth certificate and military documents. She dropped off a spice rack at his HR department and got him in trouble but she will not give back his legal documentation.
6) She will not let us have him more than four hours at time and usually those days are followed by her calling back screaming, cussing, insisting he talk about the divorce. She does everything she can to try to get him alone and when he refuses she goes into a rage or a crying fit even though he has been telling her for almost a year now that it is over and they had broke up several times in the past.
7) We scheduled and paid for a mediation and she immediately broke the rules we established the following day. We agreed to keep a notebook with notes of care instructions, when we had fed him, etc just to make her feel better. When she handed him over with the notebook she had written the notebook as THOUGH she was her son. It was really, really weird. Instead of just bullet point it was this weird thing written as their kid. :? Two days later she was insisting she pick him up from our house and we drop him off at her home and changing all of the rules and of course contact, contact, contact.
At this point we have had to get a harassment order against her to get her to stop contacting regularly. Though she wouldn't let us see him for a month we would here from her at least once or twice every week at the beginning of the week. She almost always tried to contact him at work when she knew I wouldn't be around. Once he stopped responding she freaked out and that's when she tried to contact his boss. She will not stop trying to re-establish contact and above all CONTROL.
What we want is very simple. To see his son every other week for as many days as possible and to have to deal with her as little as possible. I have been very respectful to her and in the mediation told her that I would never try to take over her role as his mom or say anything bad about her in front of him. I don't know what else I can do. At this point my boyfriend and I just want to move on with our lives and get past this but she is extending the divorce as long as she can to get as much money and control as she can. I feel like she is trying to control our lives on a financial and emotional level. It's very stressful and heartbreaking. It's hard for my boyfriend to not be able to see his son, which is also hard on me. My boyfriend and I have been friends for years and already talk about the future. I am pretty sure I am going to be in his son's life for a long time and I want the chance to be there for both of them. She told the BF straight out, "You can't have everything."
She is doing her best to use their son to punish him for moving on and not wanting to be with her anymore. Also she still calls his MOM almost every day to try and find out anything she can about him. She talks about us in the small town we live in very badly to anyone she can. I am afraid to go to some public functions on the off chance someone will recognize us and associate us with all the ridiculous lies she is telling. Is there anything we can do to get this divorce over with and just move on?
I keep telling BF that at the least he will get standardized custody and that he shouldn't worry because soon she will not be able to keep him from his son and control him anymore. She was incredibly controlling when they were married and that is not just from what he tells me. All I know is that it is going on a year now and he and I have been living together going on six months. I am terrified that this person is going to mess up my whole life, or the lives of our children should we have some in the future. It's like this divorce is never ending. When I moved in he seemed to be under the impression it would be over any day and six months later there is no end in sight. I feel like part of that is because I moved in and it pissed her off but there were a lot of reasons that I did at the time that did including that she stuck him completely with the mortgage.
Also when she hacked his
Also when she hacked his computer she got information about his lawyer, on us, his Facebook, everything. We filed a police report and its been great not having to hear from her since the harassment order but it's hard to move forward with the divorce. Also, because they are still legally married there are limits to what the police can do.
I think you got into that rs
I think you got into that rs too early.They are full on washing the dirty laundry with each other, money , property , a very young child.
I think to expect that this will all change overnight is an illusion.Those two will need a long time to sort this out.If it is too much stress, which is understandable, there are two choices:leave or toughen up.
They are separated only 10 month and you are with him since 6 month....and their boy is 7 month.
This is a mess in general , not only BM as a person, and will take ages to be sorted.
BM having a new baby of 7 month and not wanting to let him go more than 4 hours in a row is at this young age really understandable (feeding- sleeping patterns!) although she sounds very stressed in general!
I think that BM is totally overwhelmed from the situation and I can't help feeling a bit compassionate for her in all this, sorry, it is probably not what you want to hear, but me being a SM and BM can relate to her being upset.
If you think that SO and you are meant to be together, I wish you luck and patience - this situation is very tricky for everybody.
You need to move out ASAP -
You need to move out ASAP - and stay out until the divorce is final. Unless your SO is out of the military. I have seen a large number of military members get in serious trouble if they move on with their lives while divorcing. It's called an "inappropriate relationship." If BM gets his chain of command involved, his career is DONE.
Obviously he doesn't have his
Obviously he doesn't have his business in order. It should've been done BEFORE he got into another relationship.
"At this point my boyfriend and I just want to move on with our lives and get past this "
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It doesn't sound like your boyfriend struggles to move on with his life. That's a big part of the problem here.
They've been separated 10 months. You've been living with him for 6 of them. Obviously she's pissed. He knocked her up & ditched her & shacked up with you. I don't see where he's being held back.
HE needs to get his shit together & HE needs to focus on wrapping things up with his divorce & get things figured out so that he can offer his child a normal healthy upbringing. You keep saying "we", but you have no place in his divorce. When it comes to his child, you can certainly have a place, but HIS divorce is HIS to handle. He should've done it before he got involved with you.
I'm not saying that her way of handling things is appropriate. However, his way isn't anymore appropriate than hers. Like one of the other posters said, I can't help feeling a bit compassionate for BM in all this mess. He knocked her up, left her & was holed up with her replacement & showing up at mediation with you on his arm within 6 months time.
He needs to finalize his divorce before trying to start something new. I can tell you, until he takes that responsibility, things will only continue downhill. She's hurt & she's pissed & she will not step off the warpath until THEY get this settled. As far as her controlling him, she can only control him as much as he allows her to.
With the role you've played in the middle of their divorce, I think mediation would be much more successful if you didn't attend. She'll be more willing to work with him if she isn't having you shoved in her face at every turn. The two of them need to sort out their divorce & figure out how to co-parent their child.
i understand you are having a
i understand you are having a hard time. but im still stuck on the fact that you went to mediation with him...WTH..and you expected the BM to be gracious about it?! i am married and i have never gone into the court room or mediation with my HUSBAND regarding his child.. yes I am always close by normally within a 5 min walk or on the lawn at the courthouse reading. BM does know im there im just not in her face, yes the decisions reached affect me but i always let my DH know ahead of time what my ideas about the situation are. Just back off of the BM let SO deal with her dont go to the pick up and drop offs unless you have to. dont write in the little journal let SO do all of that. she may tone down the psycho a bit if your not always around..
Consider this .... in the
Consider this .... in the last year he has had a child with his legal wife, they broke up, he got with you, you moved in and now everything pertaining to their child is 'we' as in you and his son and him. Honey, seriously, there is no 'we'. There is him and his wife trying to get through a divorce. And quite frankly, the reason it has dragged is because you are involved.
Do you have any children? If not then you have no idea how it must be to be ditched, left without a partner and your husband's girlfriend is now referring to your son as part of her little family. Actually my ex did this to me. Our kids were a LOT older. But his girlfriend once told me to "get over it and move on". Excuxe me? She was referring to MY kids as 'our' kids. Excuse me? I gave birth to them. They are NOT your kids. I take care of them every day while you shack up with my stbx and refer to my kids as part of your family?
She will drag this out just to piss both of you off because you both have disrespected her. If you are so worried about what people will think about gossip and not the way you conduct yourself and behave then I think you need to see if anything she says is remotely true and this takes a great deal of maturity and objectiveness.
A good mother (and nothing you have posted has said otherwise) will not appreciate another woman taking their baby from them and calling it their own. Your post is full of we, we, we. And for the next year your BF should be the only one coversing/emailing her and talking about "I". You need to be totally out of the equation at least in the face of the community.
Of course you are expected to lead your own lives and be happy. however right now he is legally tied to this woman not only in marriage but through owning a house with her. And he wasn't forced to sign the purchase documents for the house was he? No one held a gun to his head did they? And if his marriage was so awful why was he having unprotected sex with her?
What part does he share in the collapse of his marriage?
As far as the mediation my
As far as the mediation my boyfriend asked me to go because she was going to have two other people there to support her and also every time he talks to her she hangs up in his face or curses him out. I did not say anything almost the entire time except what I posted here.
As far as me moving in, it kind of needed to be done. She stuck him with the mortgage and I needed a place to stay. I also empathize with her but at this point he and I are together and I need to know what I can do on my part to help. I personally feel the have been apart for ten months and some progress should be made at some point. Not only that, like I said they had broken up several times in the past and she had also cheated and so on. This woman is not without her fault, though I do know they both have some fault in this.
I am in a hard spot because I am trying to support my boyfriend but also want to help. I also know that when his son comes over I will be around and effected. I am trying to figure out what I do in all of this. I do not have children of my own but I have been raising many of my siblings since a young age and once ran a small day care service where I watched several children at once so I am not clueless about caring for babies and children.
I know she is upset, but he has also said he will do everything he can to be there for his kid and she simply won't let him. He on formula right now, it's his son and she will not let him over for more than two to four hours and after she lets him visit she freaks out before or after. I also don't think it gives her the right to INVADE HIS PRIVACY because she can't except its over. They're divorce is getting more and more bitter and I wish there was something I could do. I am not as involved as my post might have made it seem. She actually started e-mailing me trying to get me to get him to go to mediation after he called her saying he wanted to and she hung up in his face. They are both putting me in the middle of this mess and I am confused and wondering what I should do. He and I have been friends a long time, and I love him very much. I just wish I knew what to do to help.
if he needs support from now
if he needs support from now on i would suggest his mom or some other family memeber not you to be present in mediation or court. do not respond to her emails do not engage with her at all just disapear
What you can do on your part
What you can do on your part to help is back off. They have been separated for 10 months now, but were only separated 4 months before you moved in. Progress can't be made if the past still hasn't been resolved. For the 6 months you've been living with this man, its just created more conflict for the present time & no resolution for the past.
Your ability to care for his child has nothing to do with the issues here. You're overstepping. You're invading territory that isn't yours, & as long as you continue invading, she'll continue pushing back.
No, she doesn't have the right to invade his privacy, just like you don't have the right to invade her marriage/divorce. She can't accept that it's over because it isn't. They're still married! He didn't give her a chance to mourn the loss of her marriage before he shacked up with another woman.
Their divorce will continue to be bitter as long as he's shoving you in her face. Back off. That's what you can do. You can't be put in the middle of anything you don't want to be in the middle of. When one requests you get involved, say no.
Actually, I moved in after
Actually, I moved in after they had been separated for five months. They had been separated several times in the past before too so this wasn't really a new thing. I'm honestly kind of bewildered by the responses I'm getting. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend and he is legally married but he does not want to be with her anymore. He would already be divorced if she wasn't purposefully dragging this out. Since when is it okay to hack someone's computer even if you are married or do things like calling someone's boss to find out where they are going to be at what time when that person doesn't want you to know? I know she is upset/having a hard time but in my mind that did not give her the right to harass us. We obviously aren't married but I do live with him and am trying my best here. I just wanted some advice and to vent but the only response I seem to be getting is to break up with my boyfriend. I'm already NOT that heavily involved though I can't help it that I AM here when his son comes to visit.
I don't think people are
I don't think people are saying it's okay for her to hack his computer & invading his privacy. I think what people are saying is that her anger & pissy way of doing things is understandable.
You've invaded her marriage. You're living with her husband. She's likely dragging this out as long as she can to get back at him & you for crossing lines. She's crossing them just like you are. You're pointing all your fingers at her, but you & her husband are in the wrong too. She's crawling into business between you & him just like you're crawling into business between him & her.
You seem to think she should just be able to pick up & carry on because he & you have. Put the shoe on the other foot & really try to understand where she's coming from.
It doesn't matter if they were separated 5 months, 2 months, 10 years...whatever. THEY have a marriage THEY need to bring closure to. THEY have a child THEY need to figure out how to co-parent. In all of this that THEY have together & THEY need to work through, YOU are right up in the middle of it all.
Fact is you're living with someone else's husband. It isn't reasonable to expect it to be smooth sailing.
Also, I don't think she is
Also, I don't think she is "fighting for her baby." He is his father and trying to get time with him and her response is basically, "If you don't want to be married to me you can't have your kid." He is a responsible guy whom has been at his same job for six years. All he wants is time with his son and it hurts me to see him being hurt because she is trying to punish him for not wanting to be in the relationship anymore and paying out close to ten grand to her directly. During their split she started traveling America using the five thousand dollar home rebate and now doesn't even have enough money for diapers even though she makes as much as he does and has no living expenses. What kind of mom is that fighting for her kid?
He isn't a responsible guy.
He isn't a responsible guy. He flits around to wherever he wants to be with whomever he wants to be with at the moment.
He married her. He's still married to her. A responsible guy doesn't shack up with the next one until he's taken care of his business with the first one. He knocked her up & left her. A responsible guy will go to court & get an order for visitation & CS so that he can be a father to his child.
He isn't hurt because she's punishing him. He's hurt because he's chosen to be irresponsible & selfish. Hurt is one of the consequences of those choices. You've taken the liberty of inserting yourself into someone else's marriage & you're suffering the consequences of that choice.
The home rebate was hers to spend. It's none of your business how she spent it. Her living expenses are none of your business.
I don't guess her husband is helping buy diapers with any kind of child support. He's moved on. He's got the new girl in his bed, but hasn't filed for visitation & isn't paying any support. What kind of dad is that fighting for his kid?
Honestly I think it's a bit
Honestly I think it's a bit too harsh to say her BF is irresponsible/selfish. I know of many people who left an unhappy marriage and just so happe. To have found soneone they want to be with soon after, but they are still legally married and not divorced.
I get that the exwife is upset, but it does not give her the right to terrorize the BF in that way just because she decided to have a baby.
I was with FDH seven months after he and BM ended their, six after she told him she was preggos, and I was through all of the crazy that followed. Sure, some of it might have been attributed to hormones or instincts or whatever, but most of it was because she was just a person who never grew up, crazy, and unstable. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad had I not been with him, but it isn't her right to terrorize people just because she wasn't getting her way.
I feel for the OP, she found someone she wants to be with, and she wants to do what's best for everyone, but she already doesn't know what more she can do.
My advice is to make yourself scarce as well, more for your sanity than for anyone else's. When you enmesh yourself into this mess, you become a target and will be emotionally bankrupt sooner, rather than later. The best thing is to let your BF handle everything--after all, one less target means one less casualty. This way everything is united as a whole (in your BF) so there's no chance of her feeding off of and manipulating any misunderstandings between you and BF when she catches wind of it. I wish you lots of luck, but know that you are not superwoman, for your health and emotional wellbeing, you shouldn't try to be either--i've been down that road and there is no light to the end of that tunnel, so that is the best advice I can give you.
You are in a tough spot my
You are in a tough spot my dear. When I met my guy- whom I've been with for 5 years now- he had been been separated for 2 years...not yet divorced- so they could still file taxes together- ridiculous...I guess it makes me a horrid person too then because I was with a "married guy?". Although she had several boyfriends...a question though to all those who have responsed- at what point does this become her business? I will say I didn't get involved with things until about 2 years into the relationship when things really started to effect me- luckily- after year two-they did finally file for a non contested divorce - whew! Thank god! I understand you are trying to help him- but I'd hang back too and just support him the best you can right now...how long did you say they were together/married? My situation is probably different- my guy knocked the idiot up- his MOTHER gave him some ugly ring and said he HAD to marry her because it was the right thing to do....(his mother, the mental terrorist who taught all her boys to breed, breed,breed!!!! Gross!) a year after the baby was born...sd9 now- they got married - he puked at the altar after coming down with the flu( should have been a sign!!) and then...she stopped taking her BC...without telling him...another baby and he left when sd7 was born...literally a month after...and then 2 years later he met me. Weird situation.