Attending School Events
Hi all,
Question for everyone:
My SO of 3 years has 4 children and we have them every other weekend and one week night. The divorce has been dragging on and is very bitter on both sides. I have never attended any of the children's events, i.e. sports, school plays etc., because I know the BM would be very uncomfortable and also possibly cause a scene in front of the children (as she has often done when my SO goes to events). She hates me and SO and thinks nothing of yelling at him in front of the kids at any event he attends.
Whenever the boys invite me to their sports games, I feel bad because I want to go, but I cannot tell them the real reason I am not going, and I don't want them to think I don't care.
Last week, the daughter (11yo) gave me and SO a hand-written invitation that she drew up inviting us to her school play. This is the first time she has ever done that and I felt really happy that she wanted me there - invitation was addressed to "Daddy and My Name". So of course we said we'd go. As a heads up, SO sent BM an email saying that their daughter had invited us and that we would be there and he didn't want that to be a surprise.
The email received back said: "I do not believe it is advisable that SHE be at this event. I will be there and the pressure on our daughter under the circumstance is not in her best interest in a performance based situation. I hope you will be unselfish and recognize this, as our daughter now does."
Sooo....how do we handle this? I don't want to go and make the daughter uncomfortable. I feel terrible wondering what BM possibly said to her BD about me coming. It has been three years and I would like to start going to things like this, exspecially if I was invited by the kids.
Any thoughts? Happy to provide more background. I will most likely not go this time, but is there any way to prevent this going forward?
Many thanks!
hmmmm.....Thats a real Bitch
hmmmm.....Thats a real Bitch for sure....
I, under these circumstances, would not go...but I would make it known to the child why you couldnt go....the child is 11 so just sitting her down and saying that her mommy and daddy are divorced bc they hate each other...and sometimes mommy's hate daddys new wives too and in your case that is the situation...so just ask her how she feels being around people that hate her and if she feels uneasy with it...cos Im sure she would be able to see things better if you explain it like that....
Ide tell her straight out that her mother doesnt want her having pressure placed upon her any further than what it is and try to get her to understand it from that perspective...
I WOULD NOT LET THE CHILD BE LIED TO ABOUT THIS BITCH ANY FURTHER...In other words...be as honest as you can without making any exaggeration to the situation and then you better 'lock n load' the rifles for the bitch is likely to pull both barrels on you .... but so what! Its your life too...
I would NOT do that!! That
I would NOT do that!! That is totally putting the child in the middle, and she does not deserve to be there.
I do agree that the BM is being totally unreasonable. You SHOULD go, the daughter invited you!!! She obviously did not think you being there would put pressure on her (and it shouldn't, and wouldn't if her mom weren't so ridiculous). I'd have your DH email her back and say you are going, she (the mother) needs to grow up and deal with it and not cause a scene, for the sake of her kid.
"I hope you will be unselfish
"I hope you will be unselfish and recognize this, as our daughter now does." - do I take this to mean that she has now convince your SO's daughter that you shouldn't be there?
You apparently will not be making her uncomfortable BM will be. Keep the invitation. You may need it later on down the road as evidence that you do not make her feel uncomfortable or uneasy. I have learned the hard way to keep everything.
You do whatever makes the three of you happy. While it is wise to limit your involvement with the children until after the divorce is final you can not let her control everything you do. If you do that she will begin to think she can continue to control you afterwards.
Hostile Aggressive Parenting
Hostile Aggressive Parenting (HAP) is what the parents do.
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is the psychological results for the children from the HAP behavior.
This particular incident sounds like a HAP incident. When your SD starts hating you and her BD because of the HAP, then it will be PAS.
Be careful with recording
Be careful with recording anything. Please check your state laws on it. For instance, Michigan is an "all party consent state." This means that not only do we have to inform BM that we are recording a conversation, but that she has to AGREE to have it recorded. If we don't and she doesn't, and we try to utilize those recordings for ANYTHING - we have broken a privacy law and could be convicted of a misdemeanor. So be careful with that.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your responses
The only thing I don't want to do is hurt the daughter. And yes, there has already been a lot of PA going on from BM.
I really want to go, but if her BM has already told her G-d-knows-what about me coming, she has made the girl feel uncomfortable and she may be dreading a scene.
I can handle the scene, I don't think an 11yo should have to, you know?
Yeah thats why Im of the
Yeah thats why Im of the opinion to not bother to go....
Make daddy take a video of it and put it all on a DVD so you can watch it later together....
I myself would feel way too uncomfortable going to such an event without a drink for dutch courage...
Unless your really busting your bit to go....leave it...go shopping or go out to dinner....anything anywhere would be better to go to than some school play where the bitch BM is eyeing u up and down all night...YUK!!!
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.....Ide be glad to have an excuse not to go...
there is no way to prevent it
there is no way to prevent it in the future except to go and defy her wishes.
she's unbelievable. did you guys have an affair? it seems very odd for her to behave this way. however BM in my life did this sort of garbage and i didn't meet dh until after his divorce was final.
bm mainly told the kids not to invite us. The girls wouldn't invite dad to games because they said, he would bring me and then mom would leave. Eventually, a game landed on his weekend so he had to be told, he brought me, BM came, and she didn't leave and she didn't throw a fit or beat me up like she said she would.
kids invite me to go to things even when DH can't be there, i go! they matter more to me than bm's feelings or insanity.
i'd say go, make sure you keep the invitation the child gave you and present it to the court if you are ever questioned.
document document document
She is just a very angry,
She is just a very angry, bitter person. My SO said she has always been miserable.
She's mad that she's single now and that he seems happier in his life, the kids like me and she just does everything she can to make anything we do difficult. At first she wouldn't let him come to any events either, but he decided that was BS. She does always cause a scene when he goes, picking a fight - in front of the kids, other parents, anyone around. I think we all know how bad that is for the kids.
He is going to speak to his daughter tonight. Find out what BM said (may not have said anything and is just trying to bully us). If BM hasn't said anything to her, I'm going. If she has, he said he will speak to his daughter and gauge her feelings on me coming and if she's ok, I will go as well.
Next time - no heads up to her - I'm just going.
good! the kids are going to
good!
the kids are going to have to learn how to deal with their crazy mom. by backing down and letting her crazy dictate what you do that tells them that this behavior gets what they want. it also gives them an example on how to deal with it when they come across it or have to deal with her manipulation.
it sucks for them but this is their mom and you can't change that. but you can show them how to deal with it.
if she goes nuts on you, IGNORE her, take flabbs advice, it's great! i will with my dh's nutjob ex. at all costs do not engage her.
if you can, sit on opposite sides or as far apart as possible.
this is fine and doesn't damage skids at all.
Is it possible that BM is
Is it possible that BM is just SAYING that their daughter doesn't want you there thinking you'll taker her word as truth and back off? I ask this b/c our BM does has done this very same thing. Our step kids are older (22,19,17) and we no longer ask HER if it's OK if I attend an event where she may be, etc. - We go right to the kids as they are old enough to make the decision as to whether my presence might upset them. There have been numerous occassions where BM has sent my SO emails/texts about upcoming events saying the kids were upset about me being there, etc. A few times I actually believed her and backed off. THEN we started asking the kids how THEY felt. They always said they were fine and couldn't seem to even understand why we would think different. Of course crazy BM would insist they were lying to us and didn't want to hurt our feelings and really hated me. Good grief. I hate that idiot.
Thank you guys so much! Just
Thank you guys so much! Just hashing this out, reading your responses and reading these forums has been such a huge help. I am not alone
Yes, it is VERY possible that BM said nothing to BD. She has also done a lot of PA, so that's why we now decided to go straight to his BD tonight and try to delicately figure out what, if anything was said. I'm now leaning towards going with my chin up (thanks Flabbergasted).
Suggestion - next time
Suggestion - next time something like this rears its head i.e. one of your skids invites you specifically to attend do NOT inform BM.
I appreciate your DH was trying to do the right thing, and any other time giving someone a heads up is the courteous thing to do -however this woman doesnt deserve courtesy. That went out of the window when she causes a scene in front of the children, other people, during a school/public event when all this is about is saving her own feelings and trampling over their children.
Only a selfish woman would state that their eleven year old child now understand why it was wrong to invite you. Hell, what a statement to make and what a vile human being.
Anyway, you have given a clear indication that the skids are inviting you and that you are interested in attending so she now knows - no need for further notification in the future - as this also only allows her the opportunity to PAS the kids and act badly. Why give her opportunity?
My advice to you, is if you go then to not even acknowledge BM. The same for OH. The BM would keep her dignity more if she did the same - ignoring one another is far better than harassing you. If BM starts, walk away, move and continue to do so without saying a word. The more you do this the more likely someone will attempt to intervene with BM's behaviour (far better an external influence) and the more she looks like a harpie. That way you arent feeding her already out of control behaviour.
I would also look understated HOT and take with you a small bunch of flowers (if its a show of some kind - sorry cant remember what you said). You could do this also if you dont go, to let sd know you appreciate the invite and how proud you are of her.
I think its testimony to your skids character that they invited you given the way their BM behaves!
I am going!!! SO spoke to
I am going!!! SO spoke to STBSD last night and asked if she still wanted us to come. She said that BM took her aside and told her that me being there would make her very uncomfortable. Apparently STBSD was very matter of fact relaying this to SO- not acting upset. She then said " I still want Nicole to come".
So here I go. No heads up, nothing. If BM causes a scene that's on her. I will hold my head up high- I have every right to be there and STBSD wants me there.
I will bring flowers and look understatedly hot- LOL thanks for that!!!
Thank you all SO much. I'll let you know how it goes.
Thanks so much again
Thanks so much again everyone!!! Yesterday was STBSD's school play and I went. We got there early and sat on one side of the auditorium. I wore a simple (but flattering
) black dress and brought flowers. I did not even see BM arrive - I was busy chatting with SO, never saw her face as it was blocked by people.
When the play was over, we hung back as STBSD went and hugged her BM. Then...BM ran out as quickly as she could. Not a peep out of her!
STBSD ran over to me and her Dad and gave us the biggest hugs. I gave her the flowers, and she said to me "I'm so glad you came". It felt great.
Thank you all for the support and advice. We will never again give BM a "heads up" and I plan to go to some other events in the future.
I went through this. At first
I went through this. At first I stayed away from all those sort of things "to save the children's feelings" when BM behaved badly.
Then I came to realise that I was being selfish. I was jeopardising our family unity based on my own fears.
I have no control over what BM does. If she behaves badly, that is her call. I just have to do the right thing for my family.
Good for you. I am really pleased you went too. Makes my heart sing to know that some people don't get to control other people by being bullies. I bet you looked amazing and happy. You sound it.
Thank you so much guys - big
Thank you so much guys - big hugs to you
. I am really happy I was there to support STBSD and that she wanted me there. I also feel like it was a personal victory for me - overcoming my fear of BM - and the craziness she pulls. She does not control me or where I go and I thank you for making me really get that.
So pleased this worked out so
So pleased this worked out so well! She reminds me of my BM lol NIGHTMARE!! Sounds like you have a lovely bond with your SD
It sounds like that bullshit
It sounds like that bullshit is definitely coming from the BM and not from SD. SD invited you and then realized later she shouldn't have? I don't think so. BM got pissed when she found out she will have to see her ex with his new wife and decided she would put her 11 year old child in the middle of an adult issue, which is not ok. I personally would not want to be in that situaion (if you were to go to the event), but if you don't go BM will feel like she has won and you DEFINITELY don't want that!