To start with, I'm sorry this is so long...

We have been married for a bit under a year, the third marriage for each of us. She has 2 children, 11 and 13, and I have 3, 11, 15, 18, all living at home. Her eldest has some learning issues. My children spend one week with me, and one week with their mom (close by), alternating weeks, including weekends. Her children are with us virtually 24/7, with a few breaks when her ex decides he can have the kids over, and my kids are at their mom’s (she doesn’t see a reason to send her kids to their dad’s if my kids are at home with me).

We live in a reasonably large house, and when she moved in she felt that her kids, who are apparently very sensitive to noise, needed a place of their own where they could retreat if the noise in the house got too disturbing. To that end, we refinished the basement with beautiful flooring, a bedroom and a living space, complete with widescreen TV. Her children can go there whenever they are “overstimulated” by the noise/chaos that my kids, who are your average intermittently combative siblings, tend to create (She says it causes them physical pain when people raise their voices). My children are not allowed to enter this space for any reason (that’s been a bit hard for them because they grew up in the house). My children have their own bedrooms in the upstairs, where her children are not allowed. The main floor is used by all.
She has the same noise issue as her kids, and since I have a room that is “my space” (a fairly good size room that, unfortunately, my kids have invaded so it is not strictly “mine”), she requested that our bedroom be her getaway zone, and that when she needs quiet that I refrain from entering. If she needs space after a quarrel, she reserves the right to lock the door to the bedroom (which has a key lock) until she feels ready to allow me in.

My issue is really the amount and quality of time that my wife and I get to spend together. Because of her son’s learning issues, she needs to work on his homework with him every night. Again, he’s almost 14. In order to escape any noise, she begins working with him in their downstairs area when she gets home from work (at approximately 6pm). I have returned home usually by 5 and clean the kitchen, and begin to prepare dinner. Once dinner is ready, she and her kids come up from working downstairs, fix plates for themselves, and return downstairs. My wife continues to help her son with her homework until it is complete, after which he usually wants her to watch him play video games, which she usually does. I use that time to clean the kitchen, and spend time with my children if it’s my week with them. Once it is their bedtime (about 9:30pm), she tucks them in, and then comes up. Unfortunately, 9:30 is her bedtime as well, because she gets up early for work each morning and is not a night owl. She kisses me goodnight, and heads up, and I usually go up with her (though she often tells me I “don’t have to”). We get in bed, and she often talks about how it went with the homework, may discuss errands she has to do the next day, and she’s asleep in 10 minutes. Sometimes we get a chance to just talk about things in general, not too often. I should mention that she has fibromyalgia, so while we are talking I’m usually massaging her back, arms, and neck until she’s asleep. On weeknights, there’s no time or energy for lovemaking, and mornings she’s up at the crack of dawn, preparing her kid’s breakfast and getting them ready for school.

When I tell my wife I miss seeing her during the week, and talking/snuggling /making love with her in the evenings, she says “Well, you can see me when I’m coming up for bed”. I often respond with something like, “well, yes, but you’re only awake for 10 minutes or so”. Her response is generally pretty testy, “Well, that’s 10 minutes every night with just you, why not be happy that we have time together instead of being negative?”

My wife’s ex is supposed to have the kids each weekend, but that rarely happens. Often he’s working 2nd shift on Saturday, and even when he does decide to have the kids over and is free, my wife’s eldest, who doesn’t like going to his Dad’s, manages to guilt her into letting him stay in our much more substantial house (his Dad lives in a small apartment). Of course, that means my wife feels she needs to spend time with him, because his brother DOES go to his dad’s, leaving him without someone to hang out with….so much for our alone time.

I have asked my wife to make arrangements so that we can have regular alone time together, but she usually says “Oh, come on, even if we spent 6 days straight together alone, that wouldn’t be enough for you. Why can’t you be positive?” I try to be. However, when the kids are with her, even during times when she IS up and spending time with me, her eldest is always nearly glued to her side, asking her to look at one iPod game or other, and frequently asking her when she’ll be able to spend time with him, watch him play games, etc. Her youngest is generally playing and/or roughhousing with my kids. Sometimes she tells me that she wants to be helping me, and so she’ll help me prepare dinner on a weekend. We’ll often have dinner and a movie. Unfortunately, though I want to sit next to her on the couch and share popcorn, once I get to the couch after cleaning up the kitchen, her kids are sitting one on either side of her, and I can’t seem to get near her. When I say “Hey, where can I sit?”, she offers me the end of the couch or the floor. On weekends, her kids have no bedtime, so they are quite frequently around her.

I admit, I seem to be more in need of alone time with her than she is with me. I do understand that I’m more of a “relationshippy” person than she is. I try to give her time with her kids, and I take time with mine. I’m totally in love with her, and she says she is with me. Her fibromyalgia causes her to be very tired and in pain a lot of the time, but when she has a good day, she tries to spend that time with the kids. I’ve asked her if we could work toward spending 15 hours/week of alone time (even just hanging out in our room) together, as is recommended in the book “Love Busters”, but she thinks this is absurd, and suggested we try to shoot for 5 hours/week of “just us” time if we can. I’ve suggested counseling to try to work on that sort of issue; she thinks it’s a good idea for ME.

Just need to vent. I’m working on getting used to this way of life, I simply don’t see her much unless there are errands to run, no kid issues, and the stars align. When we do make love it is wonderful…and I’m all about making love….I ‘m the guy who NEVER says no (most guys, huh?). With her bedtime schedule and fibro, it’s all up to when she feels she has the time. She doesn’t go out of her way to arrange time for us even on weekends her ex could have the kids…it’s hard sometimes. Has anyone experienced this? It seems I’m beginning to resent her kids, most notably her oldest (14). I don’t want to, and I really like her youngest. I intend to work hard to deal with these feelings in order for us to continue to do well; I sure could use some advice!