Dealing with the Jealous Ex and the People Pleaser Husband
Good morning all...
I'm looking to you today for some insight and maybe a different perspective regarding a situation I've been dealing with for a while.
I've been with a man for over 6 years and married to him for 2. My husband has 3 children with a woman he was with way back in high school. They spent over 10 years together (off and on)and now have been "not together" for roughly 10 years. Although they had 3 kids together, they never married. He did however, marry me. This pisses his ex off; couple that with the fact that he always wanted a daughter and they had all boys...well, that's just more salt in the wound. I got what she wanted...to get married and be the one who gave him the baby girl. She's incredibly jealous and hateful. When I'm with him to pick up or drop off his kids she looks at me with disgust and flips dirty looks in between...and makes it all too obvious. At times I've wanted to call her out in the hopes of embarrassing her, but I've bit my tongue so I wouldn't make things more difficult for me or my husband. I wish this was where it ended, but it doesn't.
The other issue lies with my husband and how he deals with her. It's clear that there's an issue with him feeling uncomfortable around her when I'm around. I too, try to not feel uncomfortable when we're around each other, but no matter how much I tell myself, "Don't let her make you uncomfortable." I still feel the knot in my stomach. I guess it's a normal feeling to have when you know someone doesn't like you? (Has anyone here ever gone through that?) Anyways, I think my husband just wants to keep the peace, and the less drama the better...which I agree is good. However, what I don't like is when he says things like, " I don't want to have to deal with the both of you going back and forth..." when in fact, his ex is the one with the problem and who is the "aggressor" so to speak, in this situation. As an adult, it gets really old dealing with stupid petty women like her. Sometimes I wish he would pull her to the side and tell her to knock it off and that if she continues to behave in such a way that causes tension for us or the kids (because the kids have complained about her too), then she can stay away until she can behave like an adult and put her issues aside...hell, maybe seek therapy for her jealousy issues. However, that's not his style. He's made the comment that if it continues on he just won't be able to deal with it and it will end up in divorce. This is where I can't understand how or why he has given her so much authority and power over his decision making process. I DID tell him that she knows him all too well, and that she is totally aware that all she has to do is be a bitch for long enough and he will crumble. She knows how he reacts to stress and confrontations and conflict. It's a possibility that he will eliminate our marriage to resume some peace in his life...and that's EXACTLY what she wants.
I would surely appreciate some feedback - I need to understand and have a better grasp of my role in this and how NOT add to the problem. I want to develop a clear mind about this and maintain and exude composure and control so that others understand that there are consequences. I want others (my husband and kids) to see by my behavior that you cannot allow another person who's negative, to have that much authority in your life. That way, if he is to eliminate me, he isn't justified in saying, "She made things worse...she added to the problem."
Umm, why is your HUSBAND not
Umm, why is your HUSBAND not standing up for you????
That is the real issue and I would ream him a new ass for acting like any of this is your fault and threatening you???
Have you ever pointed that out to him, and what did he say?
If he allows this woman to mistreat you, a divorce is in order .. from you!!! Don't fall for this gaslighting!!
Hell yes, I know that feeling
Hell yes, I know that feeling of having a knot in my stomach and tension in my head when BM was around, or was speaking to DH (even on the phone) or even preparing for a further assault/stunt (which happened regularly). Its called tension and stress, not to mention anxiety over the fact you either cant or arent able to confront her over her antics - its like a pressure boiler with no release, so the pressure and emotion builds.
Thing is, your DH has NO right to tell you how you act - you are your own person and even MORE so when you have given him no reason to try and control you (after all have you freaked out or acted unreasonably towards BM for no reason?) and to threaten you with divorce (even if he only intended those remarks to communicate to you how he was feeling and not necessarily how it sounded).
I recollect my own DH trying to "guide" me when it came to interacting with BM. I think sensible advice should be welcome, as after all they likely know BM far more than we do BUT telling you? No. I didnt react well and tbh as time went on, the fact that she was almost permitted to act however she wanted with zero consequence (albeit my DH wouldnt have any control over her even if he tried as she is a psycho), I was kept in line with well timed remarks like "it will only make things worse if you say something or react...I dont want you making things worse...you arent to say anything as I will be really upset with you..." even though DH himself will tell anyone that I honestly was polite to BM throughout her bonkers episodes (barr from the last time I spoke to her when I told her to go F herself) and because there was no closure for everything she did to me, my marriage and my ss because I didnt confront her so my emotions just escalated due to no outlet for them - things became more difficult to bite my tongue. Its not right and its unfair to expect anyone to not be able to protect themselves.
My advice is this - avoid discussing about BM with DH as much as possible. Its easy to become entangled in her escapades due to their controlling behaviour and as they often try to infiltrate your life as much as possible. If your prescence is not required at DO/PU then avoid them, its not beneficial to your sanity and marriage - however if BM acts inappropriately with your DH then thats another matter.
Your main issue is your DH. I think its time you stood up to him also. Perhaps he needs reminding he is not the only one who has the option of leaving and divorcing, and if he dares threaten you again then he wont like your actions. I would also tell DH that you refuse to allow him and BM to bully you anymore, you arent a second class citizen and if he thinks BM can make his life hell then he hasnt met you when you have been trampled all over by them. So from now on he had better be prepared for you to stick up for yourself, and if he has a problem with that then he knows where the door is and he is welcome to use it. You can probably guess the stuff BM will do/say towards you, so have things ready to say and prepare to react. So if she gives you dirty looks you could say "BM is everything ok, you look kind of funny?" when she says yes, then say "Oh right, you always look in pain whenever I see you so I thought perhaps you were sick..."
You dont have to be vile and nasty, but you can be proactive and assertive when dealing with these types of people.
Ahh the jealous ex - a
Ahh the jealous ex - a reoccuring trend.
I have SD but I too gave my DH the son he always wanted and looks just like him. That really is salt in the wound as far as an ex is concerned.
I would probably avoid going to the pick ups, although this may seem like she has won. You can let her think this or you can just go and smile politely to irritate her further. The nicer you are the more it will annoy her and if she snaps only her and her alone will look stupid. The important thing is to not bite back.
Remember you have the man and you have the child he has always wanted, however I am sure your DH loves all of them equally.
I would have a word with your DH about threatening divorce. My DH went through a similar kind of thing telling me he would never love our child as much as he loves my SD as he has loved her for more years. Well that was the biggest load of rubbish as he loves the bones of his little lookalike. Sometimes DH's say stupid stuff in the heat of a moment, it is up to you to judge whether there was any truth in this or not. If you think there is, challenge him about this.
Good luck