Need to Vent.
Signed up to get some support and maybe in the hope that I can find out that I'm not going crazy.
I have 2 step-children, 13yo girl, nearly 11yo boy. I've been on the scene for 8 years now. During that time we've had 2 other kids (5 and 2). The kids are in a shared custody situation, 2 days a week and every second weekend. All has been happy families until the last few years where the kids have really started to play up. Both have become high disrespectful and rude nearly constantly. The nearly 11 year old is forever at his younger sister, stirring her up and starting arguments to the point where she is crying (yet she love him to bits and every afternoon after school is asking if they're at our house for the night - the days are set day btw, she just hasn't quite worked out days of the week!). The nearly 11yo in particular seems to have his ears glued on. For example, this morning I ask him to have toast for breakfast because we're out of weetbix. He says that he will have a muesli bar. He's told that he can't have a meusli bar. Next minute, I hop out from the shower and he's eating a muesli bar! When told to make toast again, the muesli bar is then thrown at me. When asked to pick it up, he tells me to F-OFF! The 13yo is not as bad. She tends to be very helpful but she is also very deceitful. Our step-parent-kid relationship is seemingly fine. Last night I accidentally caught her out in a lie which then unravelled about 5 other lies all to come to the fact that she had a secret facebook account (she'd had one previously, but when her Dad got into it and discovered some rather disgusting messages to/from some boys, the Facebook privilege was removed!). She said some really nasty things to my husband, rang her mother who promptly came to pick her up.
The issues are seemingly constant at the moment and I am now at the point of considering leaving my husband because I am that worn out and stressed. My husband isn't good at getting out of bed in the morning, it's me who is up and having to deal with the kids. He works, so it's me who has to deal with them in the afternoons as well. I have asked him on several occasions to please put the 10yo in after school care - in order to maintain some sanity and retain a functioning relationship with step-son. Husband has refused to do this, telling me that I am giving up and that I hate the children - in no way true, I love them very much (hubby can not understand why I can't seem to love them the same as I love my own kids - which I can't...is this normal?). His ex and I pretend to get on ok. I have never stepped on her toes and basically try to keep out of her way despite every inch of me screaming to throw my fist in her face every time she come strolling into my home like she owns it or something.
I'm really just so tired and fed up of the kids disrespect and the lack of support I get from my husband in regards to it. I don't know what else to do but allow the kids to break up a family. I really just don't think I can do it any more.
Any suggestions?
First thought is the ex
First thought is the ex should never be in your house. The other is your husband is wrong, it is unnatural to love these children like our bio's. Can it happen? Yes, but it appears to be rare.
Your household is going to get a lot worse as these kids become teens. They have too much control now over their households and if no one is reigning them in, it get horrible.
What do I do about it? Im
What do I do about it? Im living in such regret. Should have listened to my parents when they said "Don't go there". I'm only 27, been doing this since I was 19. Sacrificed a heck of a lot, studies, travel, the chance of ever going back to my home city to be near my family, just to be with this guy. I love him, a lot. And now I'm here, 8 years later and I'm so tired and these 2 kids are ripping everything apart. The stress levels are insane, we're trying to sell our house at the moment. I'm really just completely lost on what I should do.
Same here...only 27 and been
Same here...only 27 and been dealing with one SD with Reactive Attachment Disorder since I was 19. Your SS sounds just like her so I totally understand what you are going through...can't imagine two of them!
And yep, the ex has always
And yep, the ex has always come into the house. She gotten remarried last month, now they both stroll in. Hubby gets annoyed because I vacate out the back door as soon as I hear her coming. I can't be bothered with her.
Easy - You say hell no and
Easy - You say hell no and lock the door. Stick up for yourself. This is wrong. It is not her house.
We poke our head out of the door and tell them that SS is coming. They are not welcome. BM tried this early on and I threw one hell of a fit and DH stopped it cold....I even close the garage doors if I know she is coming...
There's no way in HELL I
There's no way in HELL I would let ANY of my enemies (just PB) cross MY threshold. And I sure as hell wouldn't be slinking out the back door to avoid her!
TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL!
But I was lucky because (for some odd reason - SHE is the nut!) PB is scared of me and would never DARE come into MY house.
How has the behavior of the
How has the behavior of the step kids influence your two at all. How do you handle the disrespect towards you with you own there? 2 and 5 are very impressionable. Does DH think about the example his two are setting for the young ones?
Our 5 year old has started
Our 5 year old has started lying a lot lately. She scream and cries whenever SS starts at her and comes running to me. I then have to try and get to the bottom of it fairly while SS argues his case and backchats. I understand that kids fight, that's normal. I grew up with 3 other siblings and we fought all the time. But violence isn't acceptable. I don't care who started the fight but if you're violent, you're in your room for 15 minutes. SS is violent. This is learnt behaviour. Husband can be physical with me at times though if it was really bad, I'd leave. The younger 2 just go with it. I don't know what they think about it all. Miss 5 loves having the older 2 here but both are really nasty to her.
I've tried talking to my husband about it on several occasions but he doesn't listen. It just gets fired back at me like I'm doing all the wrong things. He wants us to go through marriage courses and parenting courses and thinks it will fix the problems. Our marriage isn't causing the strife, it's the step children, SS in particular. Our marriage is certainly feeling the strife though! I can't just put him in afterschool care, no authority to do it and no support from husband to do it.
What you need is a therapist
What you need is a therapist who specializes in step-families. That way a professional will tell him that it is not normal for a stepmother to love stepchildren as her own. I would take his willingness to attend these courses as a good sign though.
It would be hard to be at
It would be hard to be at your best for yours when your fighting with his. Totally unacceptable on his part. He needs to do whatever you say since you are the only one taking care of their daily needs. Put the boy in after school care.
Oh man. This is gotten way
Oh man. This is gotten way out of control. You and your husband need to have a serious discussion about this. There are several issues at hand here.
1. The steps are showing clear disrespect toward you. You husband needs to discipline them so that they know this is not okay and that you two are a united front. Example: Your husband should not put up with his kid throwing things at you and not listening. Also, your SD needs her laptop privileges revoked due to breaking the FB rules TWICE.
2. Your husband needs to understand that you will care for his children as if they were your own, but the truth remains that they are NOT. They already have a mother and it is not fair to you to be expected to love them when they do not have the same feelings toward and are treating you like this.
3. Under no circumstances should the BM be strolling in your home. Change the locks and don't give the steps a key. That is not appropriate and shows there are no boundaries in your home. No wonder the children are the way they are. They are learning disrespectful behavior from their mother and their father is complying by not putting his foot down.
You and your husband need to make a list of things that need to change and what your expectations are of each other. He needs to know you have reached your limit and that if things do not change you cannot continue this way. Also, consider finding work outside the home in case you end up having to leave your situation. It may also help your sanity.
I agree with all of this. I'd
I agree with all of this. I'd also add a few things to this. Maybe the step kids could use counseling, too. This would be a much better venting outlet for them as opposed to treating the SM and younger kids like crap. These kids don't have to love or like you, but they should treat you with the same respect they show to their teachers and coaches.
Also, I'd have Dad explain to them how he can and does feel equal amounts of love for you all, but shows it very differently. In a few years, chances are they will have boyfriends/girlfriends. They wouldn't like it if Dad treated their partners like they treat you. They would want him to be nice to them, even if he didn't particularly care for them. As long as the boyfriend/girlfriend happen to be nice people who treat them decently, they'd want him to treat that person with respect. He needs to say everything I just typed to them, and tell them that's how he wants them to treat you.
Does he spend quality time with each of his 4 children? I think this could help. This is a great way for him to find out how their lives are going, how school is going, and get to know them each as individuals. They might open up to him a lot more this way.
Along with counseling, DH and BM should look into getting their kids involved in activities/lessons/clubs that they'd like, like art, karate, etc. These are also great outlets for kids to use for venting and letting go of some negative feelings.
I would NEVER let bm come in
I would NEVER let bm come in my house NEVER!!! its your home stand up for what is yours. if you dont have the nerve to tell her to wait outside dont walk out when she walks in. if you let others step on you they will continue to do so cause you are not putting up a fight. tell ur hubby to wake up or he is going to lose you. if he lives you than he needs to stand up for you.
I to have moved thousands of
I to have moved thousands of miles away from my family to be with a man. also with the promise we would move our new family there. Now that our daughter is here I am ready to move. The more time that goes by the more I realize just how little he thinks of me due to the fact that he allowing SD8 to lie about me and totally disrespect me. I have had it. And now am wondering should I go ahead and end it and move back home. Would this be easier on my daughter. I do feel like he will only continue the lack of parenting were SD8 is concerned.
One thing I have learned in
One thing I have learned in steptalk is that men are as clueless and whiny in other countries outside the US. I guess we didn't invent the, "You hate my kids!" retort whenever the sm brings up a problem. I'm guessing "disengage" works the same there, too. If DH doesn't step up, leave. He's already getting physical and disrespecting you by allowing your kids to disrespect you. I'm not sure why you are still there...
SOmetimes I'm not entirely
SOmetimes I'm not entirely sure either. I've rung his mother in tears so many times. I would ring my Mum but she just wants me to get out. His mum has said a few times now that she loves her son but her best advice is to leave.
I love him. When things are good, things are really really good and we work well and enjoy each other. When the Step kids aren't here, tensions are low and family life is great. I think another part of me doesn't really know how to end it. If we ended it I'd naturally want to move back up to my home town but know that I would never be able to because he would insist shared care and who am I to take my children away from their Dad?
I have no support down here. My friends and family are all up north. I've struggled to long-lasting friendships through uni and work. The few people that I would class as friends are husbands sister and husbands cousins wife. Can't really talk to either of them about much because both are prone to gossip. I guess I'm stranded.
And yep, this happens all over the world. America can claim alot but not the "you hate my kids". Unfortunately we live in a broken world doused with sin...little wonder that we have so many issues when families were never designed to be blended. Just wish it wasn't so damn complicated.
When both your mother and his
When both your mother and his mother tell you to leave, and they know the situation better than us...why are you asking us?
It feels like you're advice shopping, waiting for someone to tell you what you want to hear.