Getting along with SD
So glad I found this site! Feel like I can breathe a sigh of relief and not feel like such a horrible person! Me and H met July 2010. Fell madly in love. He had a 4yo D. After a one night stand with BM. Don't get me started that they never did a paternity test, he took responsibility and she looks exactly like BM and nothing like him. Whole other story. Anyways I got pregnant last May, our little girl will be here in a few weeks. We've been married since November. I CANT stand 5yo stepdaughter. Loved her when we were dating. But she spent most of her time with BM. Now they split time half and half. I dread when she comes here. She terrorizes our dogs, has no manners, so messy, whiny, bossy, always needing attention. Can't ever seem to do anything on her own. H always gives into her but lately seems to be getting better. My last gripe, she loves to tell everyone she can't wait for "her baby" or as she puts it "my baby" to get here. Oh how I cringe when she says that. I don't care who I'm around I quickly correct her and say NO it is mine and your dads baby. She will be your HALF sister. I feel bad for not liking her. I know she's five and can't be as manipulative as I think she is, she just drives me crazy. Secretly I keep hoping BM will try and get her full time and we will get her weekends but BM is prego too and doesn't seem to care how much or little she has her. Does it get easier? I need a break. Saw a few posts on here about "disengaging" and I think that's my best option.
Just because she is 5 doesnt
Just because she is 5 doesnt mean she cant be maniplutaive. Trust me she can my FSD3 knows excatly how. It also makes me sick. Talk to your FDH if it doesnt get addressed it will get worse.
But in other news congradulations! You should be excited about your soon to be bundle of joy. Enjoy it. Also if you havent already you should address with your Husband what will be ok with your confort level with SD and the hospital. Do u want her there? Or do u want it to be just u and him?
Haven't decided yet. I really
Haven't decided yet. I really don't want her there. I don't want him getting offended at me saying that. I probably should just go ahead and tell him but it might come down to me telling him in the hospital!
I don't think it's out of the
I don't think it's out of the ordinary that a young child not be there for the birth, even a full sibling. I don't think I'd have the patience for that! If you're doing a natural birth, it could take many, many hours and/or go on into the middle of the night. Could you put it to him that way?
Wow. I would bet that if she
Wow. I would bet that if she were your daughter, her calling it "my baby" wouldn't bother you. At all. And it sounds like there is something inside you that is not giving this girl a chance. My kids were pretty advanced, because I always looked toward their next birthday and where they SHOULD be by then. Most parents don't do this, so many 5 yr olds are pretty helpless. And whiny. And believe it or not, they don't do it to annoy you. As far as being manipulative, that's probably not happening (especially at age 3!) I think too often sm's are paranoid that the skids are out to get them. EVERY little thing they do is to annoy us or manipulate us...it's just not so. I was there...I can look back and see how ridiculous I was. I read comments on here and realize it's a freakin epidemic. These kids are lost, confused, hurt, angry, maladjusted, etc. We are adults. Once you buy into the role, you have to suck it up and do the best you can, because if you don't, it will only get worse...trust me.
My bf's 7 yr old acts like 3-4 yr old and I totally CANNOT tolerate that behavior and people coddling her or bf doing things for her like she's incapable. I remove myself. I am not taking the role as sm. I have my own place. I have learned my lesson LOL
I think you have to step back
I think you have to step back and realize that your anger and frustration are not so much the actions of the child (because really all 5yo kids act up) but more due to the extent it is allowed. In other words, you might have better results if you directed your frustration at the source - your DH. He is her parent and needs to parent her.
And the good news is that he is an adult and is in a position to fix it. If he is willing.
Maybe having a new baby yourself puts you in the perfect place to talk about parenting expectations. Come to some agreement on what's acceptable and what's not. I would suggest to start small. Pick one of the most frustrating behaviors and work on correcting it. Then add another later.
I find my DH is much more willing to accept my suggestions when they seem to come from a place of concern for the child. For example, if you can't stand that the kid doesn't do anything for herself then bring to his attention that maybe he should start teaching her to become independent so she is more successful in school. Or comment how SD seemed to be so proud of herself when she does something for herself. Draw attention to the behaviors you want.
I do however believe that even at 3, 4, 5, 6 kids manipulate. But it is easy to be hyper sensitive to it as a step-parent. And I agree that her acceptance of your new baby can only work in your favor. Use that and try not to work against it.
No matter what, try to find a way to deal with your frustration so that you can enjoy your new baby ! It's an experience that should be cherished, they do grow so very fast.
Thank you guys! All very
Thank you guys! All very useful. Very glad I found this site, it has been very therapeutic!