how do you explain this to a child?
DH and I aren't at a very good place.
BM is now putting the condition on DH that if he wants to spend any time with kids outside of court ordered visitation we must also watch her 18-month old son, because that is time his girls (8 & 10) get to spend with their baby brother.
We don't ask for a lot of "extra" time, DH's Christmas party with work was this weekend, BM said the only way the kids could go is if we took her 18-month old son along too. The Christmas party is for kids, it included a kid movie, popcorn, soda and kids sit on santa's lap and they each receive a $10 gift card for walmart.
We don't have a car seat and I cannot see how this would benefit anybody having an 18-month at the movies. But regardless it's wrong. SD10 is livid with DH and can't understand why he can't take her baby brother. Also, since we didn't go to the Christmas party, BM called later and said she was coming into town and that we could see the girls while she went shopping...oh, but we also have to watch the baby too.
DH said he'd have to see what we were doing. But then he asks me what I think. I went crazy, like, commit me to the insanity ward crazy. I'm tired of him asking her for favors, it always ends very badly and I have to say "no". He doesn't see it that way, but I have to say "no" we are not watching her baby and we therefore cannot the girls.
I cannot handle it. I am going to a counselor to help myself deal with this situation.
We did not watch the kids. DH talked with BM and said we would not watch her son and that it was a boundary, BM has no idea why we wouldn't and if we had a child she would watch that child so the girls could spend time together....whatever.
But how do we explain this to the girls. They love their baby brother, they have always wanted us to take him with us. And we have to explain to them that will not happen hopefully in a manner that they will understand.
And if you do not already know, BM is controlling, hateful, PASinator. Watching a baby for would not usually be a big deal but I can't bring myself play her games, if we give her an inch she will continue forever, she appreciates nothing. I believe it is her way of pressing her life onto DH. She has not moved on and regrets divorcing him. So she chooses to make his life a living hell.
So how do we explain that other babies are fine, but not your baby brother?
thanks.
Ugh. What an idiot. I
Ugh. What an idiot. I would tell your sd's simply that bm's baby is NOT your and dh's baby. The two of you are not related to the baby in anyway and it is not appropriate for you to watch a child you are not related to. He doesnt know you and you dont know him. Really do you normally watch 18 month old kids for people you are unrelated to? Not friends with? Have a conflictual relationship with? Dont get paid to watch? I am assuming No-you dont.
I would think, at 8 and 10, they could grasp the idea that you are completely unrelated to this chid. My ss was about that age when he asked if I was related to bm in anyway. I think he was just trying to figure out all the family relationships. I told him I only knew bm because of him. I had no other connection to her whatsoever. He seemed to accept this quite easily. If they cant get it-make a family tree-perhaps they really dont get it. The kid is their brother and important to them so they think he is automatically important and related to you. But I would focus on the baby's discomfort about being around two unrelated unknown adults.
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. They at least guide me in the correct direction. The girls are old enough to understand but have never been able to fully grasp this concept. Their mother doesn't encourage "truth" with them. But DH has used the "family-tree" and that has helped them before. We might bring it up again.
Explaining that we are not "friends" with BM and that watching her baby isn't appropriate. I don't know, maybe we could just say that we understand how they feel but we disagree with BM and that this is just what we've decided. Not that we don't like their baby brother but we don't feel comfortable watching him and won't consider it until he is much older, maybe 8-10 and only on special occasions.
Which is why I don't want him
Which is why I don't want him to ask BM for anything she sees her children as pawns to give her something she wants.
However, two people should be able to work together for the good of their children.
If something is going on on a weekend that we have the girls she will tell DH about it and he usually works it out so they can go.
This post has nothing to do with the question that I asked.
thanks.
I guess only Psychotic BMs
I guess only Psychotic BMs are entitled to FREE BABYSITTING! Freaking stupid posters sometimes...
When I was younger, my 3
When I was younger, my 3 sisters and I went to my dad's house EOWe for visitation. But only 2 of my sisters shared that same father. My youngest sister had a different dad who happened to run far and fast the moment my mom found out she was pregnant. My mom worked 2 jobs to make ends meet. Unfortunately, I was the built-in babysitter for my younger siblings while mom worked. So I often took my youngest sister along during visits with dad. I was lucky that my dad didn't make a big deal about it. I don't know what would have happened to her if we didn't take her with as my mom couldn't afford a babysitter.
However, now that I'm an adult and have experience as a StepParent I can't believe that my mom and dad both just went along with this. If your BM is a PASinator, it will be extremely hard to make the skids understand why you don't want to take care of their baby brother too.
There are several concerns that immediately come to my mind:
- What happens if baby gets hurt or sick while in your care? You have no authority to bring baby to the dr/hospital. And surely you will get blamed by BM for causing harm to her child.
- Who pays for baby's needs? Diapers, formula, baby food, etc. are expensive. Is BM willing to pay for those necessities? Is your house baby-proofed? Where will baby take a nap?
- Does this baby even know you? I can't imagine leaving an infant with people who don't have an already established relationship.
Thank you for your thoughtful
Thank you for your thoughtful post. I really appreciate your perspective. I have this insanely negative reaction to the idea of keeping him, and maybe subconsciously your reasons explain why.
BM is not in the situation your mom was in. The BD is involved with the baby and BM's mom lives next door and watches the baby for free. Although she claims that she charges $120 to watch the school-age children, my skids, for 2-4 hours a week.
WTF? Ok I'm sorry but I don't
WTF? Ok I'm sorry but I don't understand a person who thinks they can tell someone they have to take a child who is not their child. That makes no sense. I don't care if its their half brother or not.
I don't blame you at all for going crazy about that request. Why in the world would you are DH want to take care of an extra kid let alone a baby? I think not.
I don't think there is a way to respond to someone like that. She's already twisted.
if it were not for the age
if it were not for the age difference in your SDs I would swear you were married to an ex bf of mine! His ex wife had their daughter and a baby by another man after the divorce and she did the same thing. Pawned her new baby off on my ex bf and his parents (he lived back at home) and THEY LET HER!!!! They would keep this other child that wasnt even related to them cause if they didn't keep it too then they couldn't see daughter/granddaughter!!!! I thought WOW yall are f'd up!.. but now I see it aint just her/them that asked/did this!
might I add my SS BM has a
might I add my SS BM has a baby by another man now and there is NO WAY IN HELL I would keep it... thats just weird. I'd tell my DH tough shit on getting extra time, take what ya got and shut the hell up cause there aint no way I'd keep someone elses kid for free that is my DH's ex wife or gf!!!!
My SS BM has sv that only BM
My SS BM has sv that only BM can attend right now so my SS7yrs is not getting to have contact with his half bothers. The BM asked if we would let BM other son that is 4yrs come spend the night. I told my DH no. This child is so bad, he doesn't mind at all. Which is BM fault for letting him run wild. My SS doesn't know BM asked or he would be upset. My SS feels that it is his respondsibiliy to take care of his half brother. My SS acts like he is his half brother father. The CO we have is SV and SV conversation. Due to the manipulation on the BM part.
supervised visitation.
supervised visitation.
Is this DH's baby, or a baby
Is this DH's baby, or a baby she had with someone else? If it isn't DH's, then she has got a set of brass ones!
Not sure if the question was
Not sure if the question was to me or not. No the half brother is not my husband. I agree why would a BM ask a ex to watch her child with some one else. I believe that it is a way to manipulate the older children. My SS feels like it is his responsibity to look out for his little brother. Thats how ss bm controls their relationship. Its sad.