SD has almost completely pushed me away!!
My SD is 10 years old...GOING ON 17!!! She lives with us...has since the day me and her daddy got married. Her BM isn't in the picture at all...so I'm pretty much her "MOM". I also have a daughter who is 9 years old. Her and I are extremely close...and lately I have found myself feeling so negative about my SD. There have been so many times that I feel like I just don't want to take are of her anymore. I know when I married her dad that I took on the responsibility of his daughter, but it's been over 3 years now, and so many little things have happened that have made it so hard to get close to her. She is a real sweet girl most of the time...and she wants me so much to be with her like I am with my own daughter, but I just can't fake it but so much, ya know... this is so hard for me...it is getting harder the older she gets! Any advice?... I just came upon this website and it's kinda comforting to know I'm not as alone as I thought I was...
What is getting in the way of
What is getting in the way of you becoming close to her, you think?
well, little things one by
well, little things one by one started shortly after i got married and we all started living together. I found out just how different she had been raised so far from the way I was raising my daughter. The stuff she'd watched on tv...the movies...the clothes she wanted to wear...the things she thought were cool...and she was so young even then!! I walked in on her trying to tell my daughter something to do (a boy/girl situation she had obviously seen somewhere) and from then it was hard to want her to be around my little girl. Anyway, that's just one particular thing that happened right away. I think a lot of it has been some ways she has treated my daughter that has hurt me. When she hurts her feelings, it tears me up inside. Sometimes she acts like she can't stand my BD and my BD loves her so much!! I also try so hard to make her feel so loved...make things so equal between the girls, but it's hard. My SD has started more and more acting like a teenager now and I can't take it because her daddy doesn't see it. Seems like she only does it with me. I have disciplined both the girls the same way...and expect the same out of both of them... is that wrong since SD is a "SD"?
What's wrong is your DH.
What's wrong is your DH. Believe me...I have lived this since SD17 was 8 years old. DH has kept his head in the sand for all of these years. I kept my mouth shut, I cared, I loved, I offered, I gave and gave and gave...and look at where I am now.
Try to open his eyes NOW. Otherwise, a young girl who calls the shots now will become a teenager who walks all over everyone and everything. IMHO.
He's very aware of my
He's very aware of my feelings...I don't hold back at the end of the day...he just works so much! When it comes to her, he's like all or nothing...real harsh real quick when she does wrong. I've been feeling lately like I just want to turn her over to him...that's how it's gotten with me...
I don't think this is a
I don't think this is a typical blind dad thing. I have a daughter that sounds very similar to your SD. The first time she met my now bf of 11 months she said, "I don't like you and you're not going to marry my mom." This was the first day she knew he existed, I hadn't even gone on a date with the poor guy! She is just very outspoken, very observant, and somewhat territorial. I don't shelter her at all from things that she will see eventually, but we do homeschool and have to say that the one year she was in school, she learned SOOOOOOOOOOOO much that I wish she hadn't. She just turned 9 and she is into makeup, music, fashion...I swear she thinks she's 16. I have not been blind to anything going on in my house, and when she is rude or disrespectful, I deal with it. Doesn't mean it stops... She is angry and confused. She has a crappy dad who is in and out, doesn't pay support, doesn't keep commitments, etc. When my bf's kids are here, we have had problems with my dd acting out because my bf's focus goes from her and my son and me, to his kids. It's only natural, really, but even as an adult, I have a hard time with it. So a 9 yr old is going to have a hard time with it, obviously.
A mom is going to have a closer relationship with her bio child. ALWAYS. We forgive all the little things our own children do, but other people's kids do things and we can't get over them. The problem in most stepfamilies is that the two adults probably haven't or don't parent the same way. You should not fault your sd for having grown up differently. Nor should you instinctively pull your dd closer, away from sd, which is what I imagine happening. Don't expect them to wear similar clothes, listen to similar music, use the same words, or have the same attitudes. My sister and I were 10.5 months apart and couldn't have been more different from one another, even though we grew up in the same house with the same parents! I imagine your sd is jealous of your relationship with your dd, and like you, she knows it is different and always will be. Also, there are things that the two girls need to work out between themselves. Don't jump in the second you think your daughter is going to get her feelings hurt. Too often parents are on the defense for their kids, when the kids are barely phased by things and whatever the issue is could have been resolved rather quickly and quietly if the parent(s) didn't get involved. Trust me, if she is going to school everyday, she has dealt with a lot more crap than you realize and can probably handle herself at home. So accept that the relationship is different, love her as your husband's daughter, and try to let the kids be kids until your daughter comes to you with real concerns. At the end of the day, you need to realize that she doesn't have her mom at all, and her dad is working all the time. How would you feel as a 10 yr old?
WOW...the "we forgive all the
WOW...the "we forgive all the little things our own children do, but other people's kids do things and we can''t get over them" COULDN'T BE MORE TRUE!! I have honestly been thinking about that, but didn't want to admit it. I start feeling bad for her when I look at the big picture because I grew up in a house with both of my parents...they're still happily married today...but there's not a day that goes by that I struggle with my feelings for her. When you were talking about the differences between my BD and SD, they really are like night and day. One makes great grades in school, the other doesn't....on and on... and I know I just have to accept that's prob never gonna change.
A lot of times though, SD is
A lot of times though, SD is sooo affectionate with me...and it's way too much sometimes. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but it just doesn't feel natural. She goes from one extreme to the other with me...uuuugggghhhhhh!