Husband's Daughter Doesn't Acknowledge My Existence!
New to site. Need SERIOUS help. Our background: Husband has 16 year old, which he was estranged from until 2 years ago. We have been married over 5 years. In the beginning I asked lots of questions like, "When was the last time you talked to her?" Or have you called her lately?" etc. He had been hurt in the past. She had asked him not to call, because it made her mom and stepdad argue. Stepdad was all for husband seeing her, but her mom,not so much. Now: Husband talks/texts with her everyday and visits 1 or 2 times a month. They live 5 hours away. She has NEVER been to our house and I have only been invited up once, which I went. Things were awkward, but everyone was polite. I am a baker. Her mom asked me to make her a cake the DAY BEFORE my husband was to visit. Luckily, he and I had already talked about it and I was literally in the process of finishing it. All the inlaws tell me to be careful with his ex, as she is crazy, but she is always nice to me. I certainly don't want to force myself on stepdaughter and would hate to put my husband into a position that made our already horrible situation any worse. I KNOW it isn't supposed to be about me. But, I am to the point where I am starting resent my husband for not standing up for me, but I understand that he is still building a relationship with her. I am a Christian and I feel I have responsibilities to teach the child, be an example to her, but I don't want to overstep the very clearly laid boundaries, by her, her mom and my husband- I am NOT a feminist, at all, obviously. I don't want to mess any of it up. I actually feel guilty for being so selfish. Anyone been in a similar position or have any positivity for me?
They reunited....you know I
They reunited....you know I know even remember exactly, but he wrote her a note apologizing for his role in their extrangement. Then he sent her little short cards and stuff. Finally she started texting him, which according to my niece, is the 16 year olds equivilent to talking. A few weeks later, she was having surgeory and her BM couldn't take off work for the time after, but needed someone to be with her, as she couldn't walk for DAYS. So husband took off work to play Daddy-maid. Which I love. I was estatic that she even asked. It was pretty much just the two of them for almost a week. She needed him and HAD to depend on him.
Husband and I talk about it ALL the time. He knows exactly how I feel. I'm not one to hold things back from him. He has never made excuses for the way he has handled/mishandled the situation. He wishes things were VERY different. We have talked about counceling, but their aren't ANY Christian counsellors near where we live. Husband is a VERY private person and doesn't want to discuss this with our church family, maybe for fear of being judged???
Frieda, I totally get what
Frieda, I totally get what you're saying. How long is TOO long for me to be non-factor. I HOPE that when SD is adult, she'll appreciate the time and space I gave, but I'm not sure she's been raised to be quite that well rounded. I can't believe I even just typed that, but it's true. I dont' know her or her mother that well. I get only what my husband tells me and based on what he says...... I feel like that hope may just be because I like to hope.
He has invited her repeatedly
He has invited her repeatedly and pretty much begged. She flat out refuses to visit us. He tries, with NO avail. He, too doesn't want to force me on her. The two of them have a relationship. Every time he brings me up, she changes the subject.
I have suggested such in the
I have suggested such in the past. He promised her in the beginning that he wouldn't get me into things until she was ready. He doesn't know how to change that promise now. He feels sort of like she wants him in HER life, but has NO desire to be part of HIS.
Nail on the head! I wish
Nail on the head! I wish these guilty-disney-doormat dads would:
1. stand up to the BM
2. tell their children that they do not have "choice" in the decisions of adults
3. stop acting like their children are the "mini-spouse" or BM-do over.
Thanks Frieda and Tough
Thanks Frieda and Tough Cookie. Oh, believe me, the prayer chain isn't missing a link here. Guess this whole rank shows that my patience must be missing a link. Now, any ideas of how to approach DH in a way that doesn't involve me hitting YouTube for ideas on how to throw a proper temper tantrum. I fall more into the submissive category than the confrontational one.
RANT, not rank
RANT, not rank
Right now, everytime we talk
Right now, everytime we talk about it, DH and I BOTH end up in tears. Guess I should have signed in under MRSwhitzend
I guess if we never had a
I guess if we never had a relationship, I'll not have lost anything, but I still feel responsible for her. DH and I have been trying to become parents for five years. Fear that I will turn into evil, protecto mom when I actually have a child of my own and DH misses everything because I am still excommunicato. For, me that is worst case scenerio.
Thanks for the prayers. SD's
Thanks for the prayers.
SD's mom is VERY polite to me, sort of in a fake, but making an effort way. We have only actually spoken a handful of times. She actually texted me on mothers day to tell me she was thinking about me and how unfair it is that I've been unable to have a child. DH came home to find me crying, when I showed him the texts he got livid. Seems that he saw it as her trying to stir things up. My SIL was once best friends with DD's BM (now HATES her) and she felt it was BM's way to be manipulative. It seems to me like she makes an effort and I am probably too nieve(misspelled?).
DH gets along fine with BM, evenly though he has a deep disdain for her. Right after they divorced, she married his cousin/best firend, moved to another state and started shutting him out. DRAMA) They never really speak harshly to one another now. They talk on a couple times a week, mostly about DD's health issues, new car, etc. When he goes to visit they sometimes all go do stuff, hiking, caving, etc. with her son and DD's friends.
Okay, sorry, maybe I
Okay, sorry, maybe I misworded things or misspoke. Maybe this is more clear. BM is not usually around when he visits, maybe whole family together 5% of the time. Her son is around maybe 25% of the time. He really likes DH and his dad is not in the picture at all, she appreciates that DH doesn't exclude him. My sister thinks DH is a glorified baby sitter. DH and BM are NEVER alone together. When they all go somewhere together DD's friends and sometimes BM's friend or boyfriend go.
I don't feel like DH is right out disrespecting me, just grasping for any contact he can have after being away for so long. You mentioned earlier how DD may not feel this is permanent. I know DH feels all it would take is one misstep and he is right back to where he was two years ago. -Not defending, just saying-
My family and most of my inlaws totally don't understand DH's position or mine, a couple are supportive. I'll admit, the whole thing is SO weird. Would I be here? or Would this site exist otherwise? Ha.
"But if BM's BF can be there,
"But if BM's BF can be there, why not you?" That's one major reason I'm here. Ultimately, I don't mind DH and BM being friends and I admire DH for including her little boy. But, it is embarrassing to know that a 16 year old is making the rules I am forced to follow, and if BM is behind it, which of course she partly is, that just adds insult to injury.
Now, I feel like we are on the same page. I wish some family members could understand better. But they have "loveblinders."
Now, to figure out how to reapproach this all with DH. He always agrees with what I am saying at home, but when he is there with his sweet angel, things just don't happen. I feel like we've talked it to DEATH. Lack of patience is really getting to me today. Believe it or not, I was online shopping for BM, her son, her mom and her best friend, when I found this site.