SS being raised by SD alone, BM died. He wants no part of being in the family now.
I have a frustrating situation. I cam currently raising my step son(15) and bio daughter(9) alone. My wife died in Jan. '09. She was SS's bio mother and we married when he was 3. Before she died we were already having problems with him dabbling in weed, girls etc (at 12 yrs old!). Since she died he has completely changed, has been arrested for smoking weed at school. I've also found him trying to buy a gun, selling weed, having sex in my house, lying constantly to everyone, threatoning his 9 yr old sister if she tells me anyting, and so much more....
I nearly sent him to live with my in-laws last year but realized they wouldn't be any help as they enable him every chance they get. (they covered up a felony burglery he commited on spring break with them). I've had it but I don't know what to do about it. Legally, I'm his father. Personaly, he wants nothing to do with me, "my" rules, etc. He's told me he doesn't see me as his father and at times I have actually feared for my as well as my daughters safety.
I taught him to throw, to ride a bike, was his little league coach, etc etc... he doesn't have any memories without me in them. Yet he has rejected his past and has turned into someone none of us recognize. Problem 2 is that he is black (bi-racial) where his mother and I and sister are white. So what right? It matters to him a lot apparently and he's sold out to the "gansta" lifestyle. Sex, drugs and money. I love the kid, but I don't love who he has convinced himself he should be. And I can't allow his influences around his sister in this house anymore. Just don't know what to do...
I think you have to remove
I think you have to remove him from negative outside influences. Transfer him to a different school and just keep close tabs on who he is hanging out with. Also, I think scare tactics may not hurt - look up the statistics (or make them up) about females in your county who are in his age bracket have HIV. My county health website actually has it broken down by high school.
As far as being a cool gangsta....make him realize it only takes one bullet to paralyze him. I don't think the idea of death will scare him right now, so telling him he will be crippled is probably going to pack a bigger punch. Tell him when he is paralyzed, he will likely develop bedsores, may need a feeding tube, a colostomy, etc. What women will want a man like that??
Can you call your local jailhouse or state prison and see if they offer tours or an overnight stay. My county will take a troubled teen in for 2 nights to show them the reality of jail if the parents request it and are willing to pay a fee to cover the costs. They also have to sign a waiver that the county is not responsible for anything that happens to the teen whist there (fights, illness).
And oh yea, def hook him up with a black mentor....oh, and take him go to sporting events and just try to connect with him as much as possible.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Being a widower is so difficult in addition to the step parenting issues.
I also think counseling would
I also think counseling would help. I am sure it has alot to do with the death of his mom. And alot of times boys, esp at that age, dont know how to process it. I would try that, and look into a black mentor, or some family members of his mothers maybe? maybe big brothers/big sisters program? Good luck, and prayers!!
He's been in court ordered
He's been in court ordered counseling for over a year now. He is very good at telling people what they want to hear and does so frequently. His probation officer was amazed to find out that he was still selling drugs; she thought he was doing better and was ready to downgrade his probation! I've connected him with "Youth for Christ" in our area but he skipped out on meetings, leaving after I dropped him off. I've restricted his ability to go out and do things by putting an 8pm curphew in place. When we have family outings he acts like he is dying and is rude and/or disrespectful the whole time. At a family reunion in July he just sat in a chair looking pissed at the world. Very embarassing! Finances may not allow for putting him in a different school, though I have a meeting tomorrow with the principal of the Lutheran High School here in town. He actually told a teacher to "f"-off last week. Ugh. I keep hoping he'll grow out of this but I will not allow it to continue year after year, it's costing me money, time, sanity, sleep, and health. After dealing with this for years, it's now about me. I'm not going to let his actions take his sister and me down with him.
yea, my parents put me in
yea, my parents put me in something similar to "youth for christ" when I was his age and i wasn't having it either. I couldn't connect with the kids who went there. I was a terrible daughter when I was his age and I was dating someone who sounds a lot like him, and to be honest, what kept me from getting totally messed up was when my parents transferred me to a different schoo, made me get a diff job and basically put me on house arrest. I ended up getting a job in the cafeteria at the local hospital when I was 16 and that really helped Before the hospital job, I worked at a fast food joint where my gangsta wannabe friends were able to visit me and influence me.
Sorry for your loss. You may
Sorry for your loss. You may want to use a website that helped me after my husband died. www.ywbb.org. It is for young widows.
Also, I would look at scouting for him. But, the thing is you can not drop off and leave, you have to be there. That is when they start to get it when they see that Dad is not going anywhere. I know it is hard, I fought a horrible depression after DH died. But, you have to be everywhere this kid is outside of school. That is the only way you will stop his behavior. Right now, he thinks you are leaving too and that may be part of the reason he is acting out. He is testing everyone...
All I will say to you is I do know how you feel and it does just suck...But, it does get better, it never goes away, but it does get better...