My pregnant wife asks me not to see my daughter from a previous marriage for 4 months straight
I have a daughter from a previous marriage that is 8-year old. She lives about 1 hour from me by plane and I go see her every month for 3 days. She never comes to my house as my wife wants to keep our "new" life separate. This seemed to work for everybody.
Now, my wife is pregnant with a girl and is adamant about the fact that I should not travel for 4 months straight (in case she goes to labor, and then to help with the baby). Obviously my other daughter visiting is still out of question.
It is impossible to discuss with my wife. She goes ballistic and put herself into hurtful emotional state of extreme anger and violence (hurtful for herself and the unborn baby). I want to be here for my wife but I do not want to go for 4 month straight not seen my 8-year old daughter while she lives so close.
I know that my wife voluntarily puts herself into these hurtful emotional states to try to make me feel guilty (she holds me responsible for her extreme anger). Yet, even knowing that this is manipulative behavior, I do not want her to go into these states as they are genuinely hurtful. Any creative advice welcomed.
Do you and your ex have a
Do you and your ex have a court order in place? If so, I suggest you both follow it to a T. Get everything from child support to phone contact to visitation times and transportation outlined.yIf you don't, get one. Again, follow it to a T.
You can still see your daughter, but come up with a backup plan. Maybe your wife would be more willing to compromise if you asked for her input in creating one.
I certainly don't think you should go for 4 months without seeing your daughter. That's not fair to you or her. However, I also suggest taking a good look at yourself and your parenting and seeing if there's anything you can do to improve things. Do you call your wife to say hi when you're with your daughter? What's your relationship like with your daughter's mom?
My wife hates my ex wife
My wife hates my ex wife (some of it I believe is justified and some of it is part of her insecurities). I minimize communication with my ex-wife for this reason although probably not to the extent my wife wishes (=none whatsoever). My ex-wife is manipulating (in a smart conniving way) and does have problem moving on with her life (I am the one who divorce her).
This is a complex issue - as in all split families.
I do think I can do things to improve things. I can try to show my wife that her and the baby comes first, but it is hard to give in and be nice when she insults me and my daughter.
I couldn't agree more .. this
I couldn't agree more .. this post is 100% correct .. you need to wake up!!
Why do you put up with your
Why do you put up with your wife not allowing your 8yr old to your house? How is your "new" life going to remain separate once the baby is born? Is the baby never going to know it's sister from your "old" life?
You absolutely should not go months without seeing your daughter, that's completely unfair for her to expect that of you. My SD lives over 2 hours by car and once a month my DH brings her here and once a month he stays at my FIL's house which is in the same town as SD to visit her. I'm currently 8 1/2 months pregnant right now and he's visiting her as I type. Also, once the baby is born he may not be able to stay at FIL's house for a while to help me but he will be picking SD up and bringing her here. He can't just ignore her because we have a new baby. Also she needs to bond with her new sibling.
I have a 3yr old son as well and we made it work when I was pregnant with him too. My SD and I may not be as close as I'd like but I'd never deny my DH or my kids the opportunity to spend time with her. She's family whether I like it or not.
Thanks for your reply. The
Thanks for your reply. The agreement where I visit my daughter once a month and she never comes to my house seems OK with everybody and a fragile balance is better than no balance so I count my blessing.
I do not think my daughter is ever going to be part of my life with my wife, but this is the way it is and I have accepted it as long as I can see my 8-year old daughter once a month.
And congratulation on your pregnancy. An open mind does help, and it seems you have found an healthy balance.
So you are ok with your
So you are ok with your daughters not being able to bond as sisters? You have every right to bring your daughter to your home. If you choose not to exercise this right, you're really not benefiting your girls. Ex wife needs to loosen the strings a bit, and give the daughter the ok to go visit daddy in his home, where they can both be comfortable. New wife should welcome this.
Where do you stay when you visit your daughter?
Thank you. I feel bad that
Thank you. I feel bad that you are put in this position. It will be a shame if your kids never get to spend time together. My SD my drive me nuts most of the time but my DS adores his big sister, I can't imagine what it would be like if they led completely separate lives.
Don't get me wrong, I despise my DH's ex wife and I hate her presence in our lives but I can't imagine ever expecting my DH to be ok living 2 lives. Maybe once your wife gives birth you can revisit it. She may feel differently once she has a child of her own and has some perspective of how hard it must be for you to have such limited contact with your daughter.
Good luck to you.
Looks like you are between a
Looks like you are between a rock and a hard place. You should insist on seeing your daughter once a month just like you originally agreed. I would hesitate to bring your daughter to your house with your new wife as it doesn't seem like your daughter would be treated very well. I also doubt your current wife would "allow" your 8 year old to bond with "her" baby if she already insults your daughter when she doesn't even have to see her, so even attempting that would be moot. Insert pregnancy/new mom hormones and you've got a no-win situation.
Keep your 8 year old where she is at. I would just tell your current wife that she will just have to suck it up and deal with your monthly visitations. She knew what she was getting in to when she married you. As for her and the baby coming first...well, I agree that your marriage should take top priority, but putting one child over the other is just looking for trouble. After all, you committed yourself for life when your first DD was born. If your current wife can't/won't understand that than she'll have a rough road ahead of her own doing.
Perhaps you should point her to this site. I hope all turns out for the best. Keep us posted.
I don't really have a
I don't really have a solution for you. I am just really sorry that you are going through this. It's unfair and crazy.
Sounds like you married a
Sounds like you married a master manipulator. She wants to keep the "new" life separate? So is your daughter not a part of your current life?
Grow a pair, man, and tell her she's nuts. Not seeing your child because your new wifie demands it will only cause resentment over the new kid.
Why did you marry this person??? She clearly only cares about HER feelings and wants and no one else's...
The only creative solution I
The only creative solution I can think of is for her to check herself into a hospital for a 3-day mental health evaluation while you visit your daughter.
Good grief.
Thanks for your answers. My
Thanks for your answers.
My wife has a lot of good qualities and this is just one side of her personality. I do stand up for what I believe but sometimes it just goes too far.
Last year, my wife saw an email that my ex-wife sent where she was asking if she should sell a bike I had bought my daughter. My wife lost it (she was adamant about me not communicating with my ex-wife), called her dad and left her wedding ring in the street. We were separated for 4 months.
However, when she calms down, she is sometimes willing to compromise. Also, she is an extremely passionate and loving person and I love that about her.
I use to have my daughter overnight but I think (despite my efforts) that my wife resented the complicity I had with my daughter. There was something unspoken where she could not bear to see how much I loved my daughter. She wants to come first and any competition is a potential threat. I do not see it this way. For me, the love I have for my daughter is not incompatible with loving my wife.
In any case, it would be my preference if my two daughters (the 8-year old and the unborn one) could bond with each other but I know it is probably not going to happen so why fight the impossible (and in the meantime ruin everybody's life). I kind of prefer to see my daughter outside of my home so I do not have to deal with the additional stress of making sure that my wife does not feel left out.
SMV, Ok...SERIOUSLY??? Ummmm
SMV,
Ok...SERIOUSLY??? Ummmm NO NO NO NO NO!! Was this written by his wife?
1. "We women are jealous people, it is one of our faults, but men just have to accept it and try their best to accommodate us."
NO..not all women are jealous people. It doesn't bother me that my DH has kids with somebody else. I was married to somebody else. Everybody has a past. I don't think you should be speaking for all women. Many of us here are secure in our relationships and trust our DH/SO.
2. "Your first try at marriage didn't work out and you brought a child into the world, which was a mistake (not trying to offend anyone here). You've been given a second chance, so don't screw it up. Your new wife and child need to be your first priority always, and if that means your 8 yr old gets that short end of the stick, that's how it has to be. By leaving her mother, you already gave her the short end of the stick because she won't be raised by both of her parents. That was your choice, and you need to live with that choice because it was probably for the best."
NO! I'm not even going to comment on the child being a mistake part. The 8 year old is collateral damage???? What kind of person are you?? This man helped bring this child into the world, and he is obligated to take care of her and raise her. He left her mother, NOT her.
I'm not going to even bother going any further with this. This WHOLE post is selfish and immature, IMHO. When you bring a child into the world, you are OBLIGATED to take care of that child, physically, emotionally, EVERY way! You don't just walk away if something better comes along. It is NOT about you anymore. If you cannot do that, you need to: a) keep your legs closed, or b) keep your willy in your pants. This dad WANTS to see his daughter and be part of her life. Seriously, I cannot wrap my head around your post at all.
You give up your right to be
You give up your right to be jealous when you marry somebody who has been married and has a child. IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE THAT SITUATION, DO NOT MARRY SOMEBODY WHO IS IN IT. It seems so simple to me. His wife left him for four months over an EMAIL??? And you relate to this woman? For the record, I have no bio-children, so the playing field isn't totally even. YOU are a jealous person...that doesn't make everybody jealous.
Of course leaving can be avoided, but that's not the situation here. And how does that erase his obligation? What he SHOULD do is live in the same area that they live in so he can see her more. My DH will not move out of our area until the skids are grown.
Sure, an 8 year old will understand an adult situation. YOU are not even mature enough to understand it...how is an 8 year old supposed to? All she knows is she doesn't get to see daddy.
I know as much of the story
I know as much of the story as you do, unless you have some information that is not posted here. So they need to do what is best for the unborn child (with which I totally agree) but he doesn't have to do what's best for his 8 year old daughter??? She gets "the short end of the stick" and that's what's best for her? You need to take yourself out of his situation. I don't think you're being unbiased. And for the record, although I think the wife is being totally unreasonable (again, she left him for 4 months over an email), he's just as responsible because he allows her to dictate when he sees his child. If she loves him that much, she should be willing to open her home to his child. Package deal. She loves herself and her little world and her needs.
"She obviously has a stable,
"She obviously has a stable, healthy environment at her mom's or the courts wouldn't have awarded her full custody."
Tell that to the parents of the drug addict daughter whose bf killed her four year old son. Her parents (the child's grandparents) TRIED to get custody, but the court felt that the child is always better off with the parent. He was beaten to death because he wet his pants. Courts do all kinds of stupid things ALL the time. Kids fall through the cracks.
Or would he? Honestly, we
Or would he? Honestly, we don't know these people. But he's admitted he's taking the selfish route and doing what his wife wants...if he admitted the BM's home wasn't good, he would HAVE to do something about it and make wifey mad. Who knows. I'm done trying to give advice to someone who it seems just wanted somebody to agree with him and make him feel better. He's made his decision what he wants to do. I honestly hope BM's home is safe and healthy...she's better off there.
Guys....I think your both
Guys....I think your both talking from different perspectives...only because I really thought SMV wrote a wonderful ansa to what this guy is going through....I thought the advice, from SMV perspectives was so good and hopefully it will help him to understand during this stage....
Just remember, Nothing stays the same forever.
OMG, r when I got pregnant for the first time with my ex husband, I went a little crazy, depressed, totally jealous and it was like I had post natal depression before I had the baby. Which I agree with smv was a mistake as was that relationship and marriage....I went on to have 2 more kids (3 to him in total) and not one of them was planned. Not one was conceived after being totally in love with someone and deciding that we have the strength, the love, the devotion, and the right balance in our lives to bring a child made between us in love, into this world.
I will never have this.....and neither will my DH who like me married a mistake, then went on to have 2 children to his horrid ex wife. That was also a mistake....and he pays for it every single day of his life....Hopefully once they turn 18 the pain of the mistakes will ease somewhat
I would love it if my DH could just blow up the past and we could turn back the clocks to when we were both in our late 20's again...the time before he met the ex witch. But I cant organise that...damn it...
its important to note that some ex wives can manipulate their children to do some very nasty things to the new wife and husband. They can cause some horrible feelings that may last and last leaving scars accross someones thiking patterns....and I wonder if part of this hasnt happened in this case.
In my situation, I knew my husband, and we had a deep and meaningful relationship for years before he met and married his ex witch....since that BIG MAJOR MISTAKE OF ALLOWING HIMSELF TO BE MANIPULATED BY THAT BITCH, and subsequently manipulated by the two spawns he mistakenly had to her.....he has lost something of himself....he still has things lying around this house of that past relationship which I feel if he gets rid of them he may start to get the chance to come back to his normal self a bit, he still seems to be doing as she says - which I think he should not....and I just think he isnt exactly over the whole divorce trauma that occured....and its horrible how his two kids and the ex witch all gang up together on him, me and my kids in a hope that they can split me and DH up
My only wish in my life right now is to start a new fresh life together with my husband and have the past mistaken relationships we both had, finished and resolved then put to bed.....sure there will be some sparks that come up everynow and then...but I believe we should deal with them together, as they arrise and come up with solutions together...as two minds are always stronger than one....
I can understand a pregnant women being upset at her current husband catching a flight every month to go visit the ex wife and daughter....No bloody way...not in this marriage would I allow that...and Im not pregnant. I think the pregnant wife should agree to the ex wife paying for her daughter to be flown on the plane to them....and if that daughter stays with them she stays under the pregnant wives house rules.....the husband should be reminded that having his daughter there will cause some emotional issues, and that his wife is possibly rushing around wanting to clean everything so that little girl better not leave any mess around for his current wife cos she will freak....but if they take it easy, Im sure a few days would be good. But who pays??? If not the ex wife for all the airfair, then make sure its 50 50. I would be more inclined to think that this is part of the reason why his current wife is getting so upset...
remember Nothing stays the same forever...and I believe now is the time to make new arrangements on this flying off to the ex wife every month.....maybe dont see the child for 4 mths and then have her for 2 to 3 weeks in the school breaks or something....heaps of men accept that....
hope that they can come up with a solution....but true the most important thing right now is the current wife, the new relationship, and this new baby thats about to be born....the other daughter will just have to take a back step and wait.....eventually it will all work out....
"making sacrifices for our
"making sacrifices for our significant others, might not be as terrible as they seem."
His wife should be the one reading and adhering to this, if the whole post is even real.
You are ok with asking a child and a dad to sacrifice, but not his wife. Teaching this child to understand and give in to the crazies in her life at this age....what will that do to her?
I don't see how any kid could
I don't see how any kid could be understanding of that. Eight year olds can't take care of themselves that much, either.
I wonder how this SM would feel if she were the BM in this situation, and her child was the one who wouldn't see her father for four months.
How do we know his daughter
How do we know his daughter has adjusted to anything? How was that obvious? Have you met her?
SMV, WTF?!?! Good Lord, goes
SMV, WTF?!?!
Good Lord, goes to show women like this really do exist in the world.
THIS is what entitled little bratty, catered-to children grow into!!
OP, do NOT listen to this. This is plain nuts!!
If anything, the 8 year old existed long before wifey #2...
AGREE AGREE AGREE with Oi
AGREE AGREE AGREE with Oi Vey!
I don't care if you're Queen
I don't care if you're Queen of the universe, a degree obviously doesn't automatically enable you to give good advice. It doesn't matter how many letters you have after your name, I will never agree with your advice. It's selfish and it enables his wife to continue with her bad behavior.
SMV, sorry to say, the
SMV, sorry to say, the biggest "nuts" I know hold psychology degrees. I think they use it as a cover
Very well put SMV and I agree
Very well put SMV and I agree with her advice. BM in our situation is certifiable and did nothing but make our lives hell, you name it she did it. Like SMV said remove the stresses from your life. When DH cut off contact with BM things got so much better. Literally every fight we had was related to BM or SD, now that we have not seen either of them for a little over 2 months things are so much better, and I think we both feel much more secure. We just had our first child together, DH's first son, and the way he feels for him is unmeasurable, and I think for you that once you and your new wife's baby girl arrive it will be easier for you to move on together and raise her as a couple. Good luck and congrats on your soon to be baby!
So he's supposed to leave his
So he's supposed to leave his 8 year old behind? She's "stress"? How can you people condone abandoning a child. Did you even read his post. His current wife is the one causing the stress. I didn't see anything that BM or SD did to cause that many problems. I just cannot wrap my head around people who think it's ok to leave a little girl behind. :?
And FYI, we're talking about HIS situation, not yours. I think you're getting them confused. I didn't see him mention BM in his original post. The tantrums belonged to his CURRENT wife, the SM.
Yes, give in to his wife and
Yes, give in to his wife and pretend he doesn't have a daughter. It's not going to get better because his wife was like that before she got pregnant. After she has the baby, it's likely to get worse because his 8 year old will be taking time away from wifey's little family.
Seriously, I have no idea why this post got under my skin so much, but I have to try and quit posting. I don't need self inflicted stress.
To the OP...I hope you get things worked out and your daughter isn't left behind in the rubble.
What happens if/when wifey #2
What happens if/when wifey #2 is never happy enough, and becomes exwifey #2? Then when wifey #3 comes around you'll turn your back on DD #2, too??
What kind of man are you?
And what kind of woman doesn't realize if a man will do it FOR HER, he will do it TO HER as well?!?
Hello? Wake up .. you are
Hello? Wake up .. you are making excuses for your new wife ... almost everyone on this site has problems with their step kids .. or we wouldn't be here ..
BUT .. everyone allows them into their houses .. and has problem .. but we allow them into our house.. problems or not. And worst case if their behavor is really bad them let dad take them out someone .. as long as I have been reading post on this site I have never heard someone demanding all visits cut off.
I hate my step kids with a passion .. they are horrible .. but I love my husband so I allowed them in our life and house for years .. bitting my tounge hating every mintue but that is what you do for someone you love. I would never not allow a child in my house .. that is not love from your new wife .. you need to wake up.
Seriously, your wife needs to
Seriously, your wife needs to grow up and be the adult here. We're talking about an 8 year old child. Your "new" life will never be separate unless you let it. That child is a part of you, and you're letting a jealous woman keep you from seeing her. MAN UP! Your wife is being totally unreasonable. I don't care how many good qualities she has...she needs to see a therapist. Her "emotional states" are not normal. I don't believe they are just because of pregnancy hormones. You're making excuses so you don't have to deal with the situation which you're obviously aware of. I know this sounds very harsh, but an innocent child is the victim here.
Also, if you're only one hour away by plane, if she happens to go into labor while you're gone, you will have plenty of time to get home.
We talk about boundaries all the time on this site. It seems you need to set some for your wife. If she didn't like the idea that you had a child, she shouldn't have married you. If you don't see your daughter now, it's your own fault. Most of us here put up with a LOT of BS so our DH/SO can see their children. Because we're ADULTS!
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you share a lot of the responsibility for allowing it. IMHO.
Seriously, are you his wife?
Seriously, are you his wife? He can't go anywhere for HALF the pregnancy? Are you for real? There is one fact that NEVER changes, no matter how many people you marry. HE HAS A CHILD! If she's too jealous to handle that, don't marry a man with a child. End of story. Personally, I wouldn't even want to be with a man that was capable of walking away from a child. What happens when their marriage falls apart and he meets another woman? Is he supposed to leave a trail of children behind?
I'm just sitting here shaking my head...I cannot believe some of the things I read.
^^^THIS!!^^^ I almost think,
^^^THIS!!^^^
I almost think, this just CAN'T be real.
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!!!!
I am with Oy ans Calgon Is
I am with Oy ans Calgon
Is this joke? I would not want to be with a man that
1. Walks away from his child.
2. Gives in to my jealousy, insecurity and utter selfishness, a the expense of his child.
If I was a man, I would not want to be with a woman like you. Period.
That is how it starts. People
That is how it starts. People give in to one unreasonble request, and it will be followed by one, then another and so forth. 4 months? No way, wrong.
Yes, and the OP wrote that
Yes, and the OP wrote that his wife threw her wedding ring into the street and ran home to daddy because he received an email from the mother of his child.
You don't think that's a wee bit over the top? You honestly think, from everything the OP has written and with your education, that the current wife is simply needing help before and after her pregnancy?
She can't care for a child
She can't care for a child for 3 days? Then she needs to allow his daughter into her home, which she SHOULD be doing anyway. He needs to get a backbone. It doesn't sound like WIFEY is compromising at ALL.
Well, we agree on one point.
Well, we agree on one point. It is as much his fault as hers. They're both being selfish. I wonder where that poor child would be if something happened to BM.
"I can completely understand
"I can completely understand why she wants to keep your life separate, so she can pretend like all of that never happened. It also reassures her that she is the most important person in your life, because you are willing to leave most of your past behind and start over with her, kind of like a clean slate. Sometimes, I wish that we could do the same thing and leave behind all the baby-mama drama and live our life how it's supposed to be."
But you are engaged and in a situation that you want to change. It seems like the advice you're giving OP is what you really want to tell your SO. So you're engaged to a man with kids with a difficult BM...you know this going in...it's nobody's fault but your own if you're miserable after you marry him. I guess having these degrees doesn't make you any smarter than anybody else about your own life.
Well, good luck with all
Well, good luck with all that. You will surely not be surprised when/if, in a few years of seeing your olderst daughter less and less, she no longer wants to see you and your wife is still unhappy.
THANK YOU iwlass!! I totally
THANK YOU iwlass!! I totally agree. Man this post has me fired up!
I agree with StepAside here!!
I agree with StepAside here!!
There is always more to the
There is always more to the story. So much of what we read and give advice on is just the one side. That's why I think the best advice is prudent, the one that will not to damage.
*LIKE*
*LIKE*
As I was reading this I
As I was reading this I became nauseous and just kept hoping it is someone trolling. However, I'm pretty certain there are just a lot of sad, miserable beings in the world.
Thanks all for your
Thanks all for your comments.
I want to emphasize that despite the problems, I have an happy marriage. My wife and I are very much in tune when it comes to other topics and in particular spiritually.
Yes, my wife is very demanding, and I only see my daughter once a month. Sometimes I miss my daughter, but one month is not too long. I do not believe that I have a strong influence in my daughter's life since I am barely there. However, the distance has not weaken my relationship with my daughter. By the way, the reason for going so far was mostly my wife's choice because she did not want to be close to my ex and my daughter. I feel like a bad dad sometimes (and this post emphasized the feeling), but there is so much I can do. Either I leave my wife or I accept the situation, and selfishly, I do not want to leave my wife. I was miserable when we were apart and also, it is not my goal to go from marriage to marriage. I believe in commitment.
I also agree with the comments of putting my wife first in theory. In practice it is harder. It is true it is my fault of having married a woman that cannot accept my previous child. It was not that bad when we got married though. I also know that it is always going to be a problem. It might be easier or harder in the future, but this is always going to be the main issue in our couple. I have little hope that this is going to be resolved. Marriage therapists say that when they see couples 10-years appart, they fight over exactly the same issue. So I am not trying to solve the issue.
From my perspective, I am ready to not see my daughter for 2 months if necessary. My wife has already agreed to reduce the duration to 3 months instead of 4, so we are slowly getting somewhere.
Good luck. I think your
Good luck. I think your daughter is better off where she is. I hope your ex meets a nice man who can be a father figure to that child. It seems that you're a victim and have no choices in life. It would be a shame to teach that to your daughter.
OMG, you've proven to me that
OMG, you've proven to me that men like you really do exist.
I hope your daughter finds herself a REAL father who understands that parenting is about SELF SACRIFICE, not what makes YOU happy.
I think I just threw up in my mouth. :sick:
BTW, be prepared...it will NEVER be enough for wifey #2. You think she's demanding now? Just wait!
Yeah, soon she'll have a
Yeah, soon she'll have a child to blackmail him with. The more I read, the more I'm convinced the child will be better off far away from BOTH of them.
Yeah, I figure karma is a
Yeah, I figure karma is a bitch...especially when you marry one
I really hope that little girl has good role models in her life as she grows...
Nope. Usually I'm very kind.
Nope. Usually I'm very kind. Go find some of my posts. I go out of my way to NOT offend people. This post really got to me. Maybe OP needs to hear a little truth, not just stroking and awww poor you. Nobody has to read what I write. That's the chance you take when you post in a public forum.
This is just wow! I have an
This is just wow! I have an eight year old daughter and knowing her Daddy loves her is so important to me now. She is the reason I haven't left just yet, because I am afraid of the emotional toll it will take on her. All little girls want and desire to be their Daddy's little girls and this shouldn't be taken from them because your wife doesn't want your daughter in her life. Yes, she is pregnant with your child as well but think of the emotional damage that is being done to your other daughter. Is she being pushed aside for Daddy's new life? I am almost certain that is how it feels to her. It's how I felt when my Dad went along with his new life while my Mom was a single parent. I know you want to be there for your wife too and the new baby but she has to understand. I am not saying she is a bad person but when she chose to be with you, it came with the understanding you were a father. Anyway, I'm off my soap box but best of luck to you in whatever you choose. Just remember to let your little girl know just how much her Daddy does love her through both words and actions.
I am the original poster. I
I am the original poster.
I am interested in the first reply by smv, and try to understand better what goes on in my wife's head. I think the comment that my wife is jealous of the relationship I use to have with my ex-wife is very true, and I have a hard time understanding it. I respect my ex-wife and I am grateful that she takes good care of our daughter but I also see how she tries to sabotage things.
About my ex wife, I focus on the good and ignore the bad, because I want my daughter to be happy and a good relationship between divorced parent is I think the most critical part of a healthy child development. However, when my wife sees the behavior of my ex-wife, she literally looses it and gets into destructive modes (verbal and physical). In the end, my wife wants us to be as far as possible from my daughter and my ex-wife, and does as if my daughter did not exist.
smv, since you seem to understand my wife better than I do, please expand on what I could do to make things better.
Funny you chose the ONLY
Funny you chose the ONLY person who agreed with you...vs. 10 who actually might know what they're talking about...food for thought.
My ex left me and our 3 kids
My ex left me and our 3 kids to live back with his mom when my children were 2, 6 and 7. The pricks mom lived a 3 hour flight from us so apart from the fact he never gave any child support, nor did he call them, send them presents for their birthday etc etc I know what its like to have children who have dads that clearly DO NOT CARE....
This Dad is not one of them.
My kids still think that their father is the greatest thing thats eva existed and that makes me throw up in my face....
:sick:
This situation is totally
This situation is totally different from yours. If this dad cared THAT much about his daughter's feelings, he wouldn't have moved away from her in the firt place. He wouldn't have let his wife come between him and his daughter. He's acting like he has no choices here. He's doing what's easiest for him...caving and making wifey happy so she won't have a tantrum. As a father, he should let NOTHING come between him and his child. As a father, he should PROTECT his daughter from everything. Instead, he's abandoning her. Yeah, he cares...
Just some food for thought
Just some food for thought here...what if the situation was he moved....because he was offered a better job? And he would receive much better income - and he'd be able to provide his daughter with more because he moved? I'm not talking about materialistic things here...I mean - to help out BM more with CS? Then would he be a "bad" father because he accepted a better job? And he still had the same arrangement? Would that change anything here? I don't believe that he is bad father because he moved away? This happens alot.
Heck No! Please
Heck No! Please arnoldelorme, please do not forsake the visitation you have with your 8yo daughter over your current wife's jealousies. The "I am pregnant, therefore thy world shall cater to me" attitude does not fly. Your wife controls her stress level, not you. Honestly, your current wife does not even seem mature enough to be a new mom. I'm pretty sure the demands of new motherhood are going to be a real eye-opener for her. If she's this demanding NOW, wait until your baby is born. A baby is easier to care for inside the womb than outside. If you cave into this now, believe me, there will NEVER be a good time for you to visit with your DD.
Don't forget that you made a commitment to your DD before your new wife. A commitment to a child is not something you should change your mind on. You may have decided to divorce your ex, heck you may decide to divorce you current wife but you should NEVER, EVER divorce you child. The attitude of "if your 8yo. gets the short end of the stick, so be it" is a total irresponsible cop-out.
I understand that one of the qualities you love in your wife is her passion...well, that probably one of the reasons she uses to justify her jealous behavior. A passionate person is another way of saying that SHE FEELS and refuses to CONTROL THOSE FEELINGS. Therefore, if she is jealous, she's going to act it out no matter the consequences. For this reason, I advised you to keep your 8yo. far from her and not bring her to your current wife. You should be afraid for her life. From her past (over)reactions this passionate, jealous woman is very possibly something to be afraid of. She is perhaps the epitome of the wicked SM, the one from folklore, the nightmare of every BM, the one the rest of us take a bad rap for. If she hates the evidence of your past life so passionately, she may try to erase it permanently in hopes of being your one and only forever.
Continue to visit with your DD, keep her away from your new wife, and good luck with with current wife and baby. I'm not sure how it will turn out, perhaps new motherhood will bring some maturity with it. I'm hoping for you and your DDs sake.
Yes, I agree with "SHE FEELS
Yes, I agree with "SHE FEELS and refuses to CONTROL THOSE FEELINGS". However, she is also overwhelmed and feel she cannot cope, and I believe this is genuine. I believe that if she was feeling more secure she would not have to do that, and it is my plan to work on that, although it is at time very challenging when she attacks me or my daughter verbally. I tend to loose it too
You and your wife need to see
You and your wife need to see a counselor who can help you work through these things. I doubt you can make her feel secure. That is inside her.
I would also discuss the
I would also discuss the verbal and physical violence with a counselor. Good luck to all of you.
arnoldme, you do not control
arnoldme, you do not control her feelings of security. That comes from being secure in ourselves. Your wife has some major insecurities with herself, not just your relationship. Refusing to control her feelings is a CHOICE, HER CHOICE. She needs to be strong enough to deal with whatever life throws her way, you CANNOT do this for her. This is maturity.
My advice to you is to SHOW HER WHAT MATURITY IS. Do not wrong your daughter simply to give in to your wife's insecurites. Be your wife's rock and show her that YOU WILL DO THE RIGHT THING always, no matter what kind of tantrum she throws. She is acting like a child, stomping her foot, with her demands and pleading and manipulation. She will not die if visit your DD once a month. Your baby will be fine even if you visit your DD once a month. You will not love her less or leave her for your ex, if you visit your DD once a month.
A spoiled, immature child needs a strong adult to stand up and say, I will do the right thing whether you like it or not. Perhaps then she will feel more secure knowing that she has a good man who will make the right choices and not let her tantrums sway his this way and that.
^^^^Yes. And all of that can
^^^^Yes. And all of that can be done with love, kindness and understanding. She needs you to be the grownup and show her what that means. Do not dismiss her, but do not give in to what is unreasonable.
Yes, I agree with your
Yes, I agree with your statement.
My wife is very emotional though. If she is upset, she will go sleep at a hotel and not call me. She has done that about 6 or 7 times already. Or she will lock me out of the house and throw all of my stuff outside. This is very hard for me to deal with, and I start feeling insecure myself when I am locked outside for hours and cannot even go inside my house. These episodes leave some scars and it often takes me a long time to let them go (although my wife lets them go much faster).
So whenever I feel strongly about something, something that is at my core, I stand strong, but if it is something small, I just go with it. Also, this is complicated with the baby coming, where my wife will hurt herself and the baby by her extreme anger fits (and then hold me responsible for it even if I have not said a word and have tried to show her how much I love her so she would calm down).
I agree with being loving and standing like a rock for what is reasonable. It is best for myself, for my wife and my daughter. However, this is not always as easy as it seems as she will try by all means to push my buttons and play with my insecurities. I have gone a long way though where I use to respond systematically to anger with anger and this was so much worse. It was escalating out of proportion in minutes sometimes over the most trivial thing.
okay...if this really
okay...if this really happens? I really think she needs help. Everyone has issues. There is no need for her to lock you out...or throw your things outside. If you are worried that she is unstable and could harm herself or your newborn...you have some SERIOUS issues with her and you need to get her help...I can only imagine whats going to happen if she suffers from postpardom...holy sh*t - she does need some help. I don't think she is a bad person...I think she is mentally sick?
Do not abandon your daughter
Do not abandon your daughter for God's sake!!! What your current wife is asking is unreasonable.
She can call you if she goes into labor, and she needs to learn to take care of the baby by herself anyway, unless you don't have to work and can be with her 24 hours a day??????!!!!!!!
This is craziness - man up and DO NOT abandon your child, please!!!!!!
You make some good points
You make some good points Stepaside. It is possible that some of those scenarios are being played out, but his wife's angry outbursts are still not acceptable, not as far as they go. Talk of hurting herself and the child, locking the house, going to a motel for days....that is not normal, nor ok.
My first DH, after telling me he wanted a child and us getting pregnant ( Finally, 7 years after being married) proceeded to tell me he also wanted to have other lovers . He kept going back and forth and I was pregnant, getting bigger, emotional....you name it. I did get angry and yell and threaten to leave and never be seen again. I did not go as far as this woman does, and I still don't think THAT was ok, let alone what we are hearing here.
Again, we just hear one side, as usual, and we should always keep that in mind.
How many times have we read
How many times have we read here about SMs who hate/dislike their SKs for no reason at all?
It doesn't matter how OP parents. It's wrong for her to push SD out of his life.
This nut should have never married a man with a child.
GEEEZZZZ,,,,this is the stuff
GEEEZZZZ,,,,this is the stuff that happened to my husband from his ex....My DH just doesnt realise it...Thank - you for providing this list....
Im not sure what I can do to help him get through the weirdness that existed
Have you any idea what I should do to help him....All I have said so far is that I could tell by his demanour that obviously some women has done a real number on him....
help me with ideas to help him please....
My DH was manipulated by her
My DH was manipulated by her before he married the bitch...
He is such a good man and stayed because its the right thing to do....besides he thought he couldnt have me cos I like a stupid idiot thought he didnt want me and married some other tosser....
My DH is still living in the same house as the one they shared the marriage in...Yeah Im here too and it shits me to no end....
But I have told him that he shows signs of post stress disorder....u know, unable to sort things properly, drinking more than he needs, unable to find the time to fix the house up to get it on the market, unable to have the emotional strength to throw things out....
What sort of things did your husband exhibit?
yeap....my two SS and their
yeap....my two SS and their BM all work as a team....just like hitler...to upset and demand things from us...its like living on a tightrope
trollops the lot of them.
just read more and still side
just read more and still side with SMV....
I still think the husband shouldnt be taking off once a month to go to his ex wife and daughter. She is pregnant and needs his emotional support....thinking the arrangement needs to be stopped....
I believe the little girl does need to be introduced and be allowed to know her new half sibling eventually....but now is a time for pausing with the past relationship arrangements and considering new ones once the new wife feels ready to discuss it.
Pregnancy does weird things to your brain and she wont be feeling screwed up like this forever....
My advice is; try to work on your new family and make a fresh start. You will never eva forget your daughter....she will never forget you...you and her will work out a way that is suitable to ALL after the baby is born where you can be together and start working on the dynamics for your new family...just hold on tight cos the road ahead I thinks going to be a bit rocky for a while....Good luck
I will never understand
I will never understand anybody who thinks children are disposable. How would you feel if somebody told your SO he couldn't see you for four months. Would you be ok with that? This woman was nuts before she was pregnant. She wanted to move away from BM and SD and pretend they didn't exist. This has nothing to do with pregnancy hormones. You need to go back and read ALL the posts.
I'll say it again, it is NEVER right to come into a relationship after the fact and try to exclude someone's child just because you're insecure.
really???? Im sorry Im still
really????
Im sorry Im still not used to this country and the fact that there are so many people who go out of their way to premeditate and manipulate people....
I just cant understand how or why someone would deliberately make their new husband move away and stay away like that if their wasnt a reason to
I just keep thinking that this man is being like most men....not picking up on whats standing out like dogs balls....a manipulative ex wife, working together with the manipulative SD to make things extremely difficult for him and his current wife....something must have happened in the past....
anyway...got bigger probs of my own....
seeking to find ansa's ill read some more posts...leave it with yahs guys....happy monday
Im actually from Australia
Im actually from Australia currently living in USA....& where Im from, if your a bad bitch....everyone knows about it...
I think here where there are many more people - it makes it easy for the evil bitches to hide and disguise themselves
We have an organisation in Australia for battered abused men....but real men dont really wanna go there...they go to the pub instead and talk with their mates who do the counselling....
Once all the men know of a women who is abusive, the wives and girlfriends are told by their respective boyfriends and girlfriends then they arent allowed to invite the bitch to any parties bbq 's etc anymore...
But here...I have come to realise that the nasties are not exposed....but they hide and manipulate men in the worst way....
Worsed types are those that premeditate a way to do it...
I guess I lived a sheltered happy life - until now where I too are hammered by skids and weirdo BM
"I just cant understand how
"I just cant understand how or why someone would deliberately make their new husband move away and stay away like that if their wasnt a reason to"
Jealousy, insecurity, mental illness...those are just a few but those are what I'm sensing in this situation.
"I just keep thinking that this man is being like most men....not picking up on whats standing out like dogs balls....a manipulative ex wife, working together with the manipulative SD to make things extremely difficult for him and his current wife....something must have happened in the past...."
I don't agree that MOST men are like this. And not all BMs are like that...some BMs actually care about their children and want them to have healthy relationships with their fathers. This man is not picking up on the fact that his second wife is the manipulative one.
I realize that everybody processes things through their own experiences. However, when we're giving advice, we need to try and step back and read what the poster is really saying...and not insert our own experiences into it. It's called being impartial. I am on this site because the BM in our life IS manipulative. She physically, verbally (still does) and emotionally abused DH. She causes a LOT of crap. However, in THIS situation, I am siding with the BM, NOT the SM and bio-dad.
How long should he wait for
How long should he wait for his wife " to feel ready to discuss it"? 10 months? 10 years?
What if she refuses to budge ? What if she feels once a month is to much and forces him to go to twice a year visits?
At what point do you call a nut a nut?
Thanks for your
Thanks for your comments.
First I do not believe that my wife is abusive. She has some abusive behavior sometimes and this is to get me to do what she wants - and also to remove herself from the situation. But it has never worked. In the end, she comes back to her sense, and we find a compromise.
I also agree with the comment of "daughters who behave more like mistresses than daughters". I do not think that I play out that with my daughter but who knows. I have always been extremely careful about inappropriate physical contacts - the last thing I want is to screw up my kid. Then, it is true that, when asked who she would like to marry when she is older, she has said that she would like to marry me, but she knows it is not real and I do not bring much importance to that (she has never said it in front of me and I do not think she would because she knows her place). We do kids stuff when we are together and I treat her with authority whenever it is necessary. I do feel strongly about being a good dad despite not seeing her often.
You may not believe it, but
You may not believe it, but you should still seek counseling. Her behavior is Not acceptable, pregnancy hormones or not. You obviously recognize that she "has some abusive behavior" and that it's to get you to do what she wants - seriously? what is it that makes you think she's Not abusive??
Not to mention, you should be taking SMV's comments with a grain of salt. My DH is my first and only, and I am not jealous of his first wife or his daughter. So the crap about she's being painfully reminded that once upon a time you were in love with someone else and thus must alienate your 8 year old to cope just means she needs professional help. Both of you need to be therapy. It sounds like your current wife is bi-polar and needs treatment. And you not wanting to rock the boat is a pretty poor excuse.
I wouldn't worry too much about your daughter saying she wants to marry you when she grows up, a lot of kids, both boys and girls, go through a phase where they want to marry their opposite sex parent. Some inform one parent, "no, it's my turn to be married to mommy/daddy now" Or it could just be a not so subtle hint that your kid wants you to spend more time with her and no matter how ok all the adults are with the situation of you seeing her once a month (or less) your daughter is not.
^^^^^^AGREE^^^^^^
^^^^^^AGREE^^^^^^
a·buse (-byz) KEY
a·buse (-byz) KEY
TRANSITIVE VERB:
a·bused, a·bus·ing, a·bus·es
1. To use wrongly or improperly; misuse: abuse alcohol; abuse a privilege.
2. To hurt or injure by maltreatment; ill-use.
3. To force sexual activity on; rape or molest.
4. To assail with contemptuous, coarse, or insulting words; revile.
5. Obsolete To deceive or trick.
NOUN:(-bys)
1. Improper use or handling; misuse: abuse of authority; drug abuse.
2. Physical maltreatment: spousal abuse.
3. Sexual abuse.
4. An unjust or wrongful practice: a government that commits abuses against its citizens.
5. Insulting or coarse language: verbal abuse.
I have stayed out because I
I have stayed out because I have my suspicions about the truthfulnness....and the very obvious glaring problems I'm having w/the double standards of ignoring domestic abuse or mistreatment from women on men...starting by the fact we have at least 3 pages discussing anything/everything/arguing w/little to NO mention of his glaring statements that screamed 'abuse' in the first post.
To YOUR post Echo however I say you are way and completely out of line. How dare you speak to someone this way, seriously? Would you say that to a woman who might not be sure she's suffering abuse? It honestly makes me want to throw up that some would be SO uneducated on the matter to respond with a post the way you did. Man OR woman, it's vile and dehumanizing and does nothing to help anyone other then maybe make you feel bigger for hammering someone experiencing abuse over the head with MORE feelings of inferiority and pain. SHAME on you.
Yeah, that was a bit much. If
Yeah, that was a bit much. If one is abused, the last thing they need is to be told about it "abusively".
Maybe rethink that approach a bit
To OP. What would happen if
To OP. What would happen if you left this woman, say for another younger one? What would she threaten to do? What is she capable of doing? Think about that. Even if you have no intention of doing that, let your mind wander there a minute and see if your wife is a scary person or not.
After reading all this, I
After reading all this, I have to wonder how this SM will feel when she becomes ex-wife # 2 and her daughter is put in this position.
I think a lot of the "clingy" behavior these kids have is because they don't get to see their other parents enough. Do I think the dads need to find a way to help the kids become less clingy and become closer to them through other ways, like talking about their common interests and how their days went? Yes. 8-year-olds don't fully understand relationships like adults do and how their clingy behavior can come across to a SM as behavior that "the other woman" might display. That's why it's up to Dad to nip it in the bud outside of appropriate affection and find other ways to become closer to his kids.
I know if I were 8 and my Dad didn't see me for four months (except if he were dying or fighting in the military overseas), I'd be resentful as he**.
Unless your daughter has done
Unless your daughter has done someone disrespectful or damaging NO WAY does your new wife have the right not to allow her into your home. NO WAY! As another poster said .. your new wife seems extremely crazy and manipulitive and you are letting her get away with it. You are turning your back on your daughter who has done nothing wrong (unless I missed something).
You are making a BIG mistake here .. you will see in the future if you keep letting this happen. Your new wife might not even be around in a few years .. think about that .. you got divorced before .. but your daughter will always be your daughter.
I have Step kids who are horrible .. beyond horrible and can see the new wifes side if your daughter was doing something wrong or harmful .. but if that is not the case you are 100% wrong and letting your new crazy wife ruin something that you will someday regret.
And I also agree with above poster ..this will only get worse once new baby is here.
Very interesting reading.
Very interesting reading. Nothing is straight forward, and it is a simple mind that tries to make it that way. SMV, you have many excellent and very well-stated points. I am sorry that you were met with hostility and seemed to vanish from the conversation. OP and his wife will soon have a baby who deserves consideration too. To call OP's current wife a crazy loon, and him a nut-less idiot, is not very helpful to this new infant who also deserves a chance in life. It does seem that the 8 year old girl has a fairly stable, if not ideal life. Perhaps she does have another father figure in her life for all we know. I think it is that new baby that is at much greater risk. OP, please keep us posted on your story.
So I do agree with ALOT of
So I do agree with ALOT of the things that smv has said. But- I do disagree with NOT being able to see your child for 4 months. That is a really, really long time for a kid...or anyone. I would never tell my DH that he could not see the girls...and I don't know that I would want to go for that long without seeing them - no matter how much I cannot stand SD9. We do have them every weekend...and yes - I would love to have just two weekends in a freaking row for just he and I - but I would never suggest it...I consider one weekend alone to be a blessing which happens once a year if we are lucky. Maybe she wants to avoid your daughter because she stumbled upon this site all pregnant and hormonal and wants to avoid the nightmare we all live we cannot avoid (and I don't want to hear - oh you knew he had kids you put yourself in the situation blah blah blah - yes - we knew about the kid or kids...we did not ask to get stuck raising them, or the crazy BM or the constant disrepect we get from the kids - none of that was asked for?) The whole the past is the past situation is just unrealistic...your past is her future because you had a child with someone and did not work it out and you moved on. Now - you two need to work out some logical arrangement. Ask her if she would like to keep you from the baby for 4 months? There was a post earlier on about not wanting the stepkid at the hospital - which I 110% agree with. If BM got her special freaking day...a SM should as well. That's not fair. Is your wife bipolar? has she always been like this? You need to do something about it - and not leave her and have another child just floating around out there like this one...who you may not see for 4 months. Seriously - something needs to be worked out. And I always say - your wife should be #1 and then bring the kids into it - if you and your wife arenot a happy team...neither one of those kids will be happy.
Oh Lord ! How about the
Oh Lord ! How about the feelings of that 8 year old? The wife obviously has issues and has manipulated him into thinking that not seeing his daughter for months would be even an option. The woman is pregnant, millions of women have babies every day. if this is her first, labor is going to take a while anyway so keep your phone on, see your daughter, and if she calls, you and your daughter come to the hospital to see the baby. Your about to be a family, and you should already be one now. Are you supposed to stay home from work and stare at that woman until she pops? Imagine what your daughter is going to think of you if you shut her out before that baby even gets here? It's clear as mud where your priorities are and they aren't where they should be. Your daughter should come first, that baby second ,and then your wife last. I know she's pregnant but that doesn't mean these are her last days, I feel this is a way for her to manipulate you and to keep to away from your daughter. and if you buy into her melodrama, you might as well be wiping her but for her.Why do you think this is ok? I'm married ,with stepkids , and I have my own jealously issues from time to time, but if I was that jealous of my husbands ex, I wouldn't be letting him hop on a plane to see her every month. I don't know what your visitation is,but you said that your wife doesn't want your daughter at her house. That tells me she is a. controlling b. Not accepting of who you are because she is a part of you, and BTW who ever was siding with the wife on the issue of the kid reminding them of the other parent, it just so happens that it takes 2 to make a baby, the only reason why I even put up with my sks is because they are a part of him. I have only known my husband for 5 years and if I wanted to start saying I don't like his kids because they remind me of their mom , hell I might as well get mad at the girl friends he had when he was 12. He had a life before me and I accept that. Your wife needs to do the same. You have taken a beating on here, but man stand up for yourself and your daughter. When that baby gets here you bring your daughter to your house,you live there too. That's your children, and that's how you need to explain it to your wife. Do you think she is going to want you to leave every month after the baby comes? Heck no, I can see it now. She wants you to forget about your own child and you have almost let her. What about your family , do they condone this? You need to tell your wife how it is, she's been telling you for a while and she is going to have to be put in her place . I'm sorry to be harsh, but I don't feel sorry for people who let others walk all over them and then innocent children have to suffer. You know what should be happening here, just do it for Gods sake.