Heartbroken and guilt ridden over breakup
I am 46 year old and have been in a relationship with man I'm deeply in love with for 8 years now. When we met he was newly divorced and 3 children (I have none), who now range in age from 13-24, the 13 year old splitting time between his Dad's and
Bio Mom, the older two (22 and 24) live with their Dad full time. My boyfriend asked me to move in 5 years ago at a point when the older two were off to college and on their own. Since that time, both have moved back home and the relationship with my bf deteriorated to the point of me recently moving out. The main issue was his lack of parenting to the older 2 boys and having them take over the power of the house. I always had a good relationship with all 3 of the kids and I tried to be as supportive as I could be over the years as I realize the struggle their father was having in trying to 'fix' this situation and yet as the years went on, it continued to get worse and I felt I had become a non entity in the house. I dicussed this many times with my bf and it fell on deaf ears . When I left he acted both devasted and extremely angry for having 'abandon them" . He refused to go to counseling with me and instead acted completely blindsided and fully blamed me for not accepting his children and what kind of person am I to ask a father to 'throw his kids out of the house" which is something I never had asked him to do. I myself expected when to feel a sense of relief for not being in the middle of constant chaos, fighting and daily uncertainty to what I would be coming home to each day. Instead I feel as though I did take on his anger and resentment and I'm now left feeling overwhelming saddness and guilt for having walked away from them. I realize I need to stop second guessing my decision but am finding it extremely hard to disengage and see this quite as clearly as I could when I lived with them. Part of my doubt is not having children of my own and not understanding some of the dynamics involved and thinking maybe I should have been more tolerant or tried other ways of coping. I miss my bf, I miss our life together and feel a huge rejection ultimately that he validated my sense of being a non entity in the whole family dynamic. I think what I'm looking for today is some support and reassurance that this was never my 'issue' to take on and now I'm being used as a scapegoat for any problems in the family.
"This was never my 'issue' to
"This was never my 'issue' to take on and now I'm being used as a scapegoat for any problems in the family."
This is exactly right. I can easily reassure you your feelings are correct. Guilt is the number one manipulation tactic, then they will turn to being mean and nasty to make you feel bad.
This has to do with them, not you. You just decided to take yourself out of the dysfunction and live a sane life.
I had my first child when I
I had my first child when I was a senior in college and was forced to live with my soon to be in laws. The fact that these 2 "children" of ages 22 and 24 still have to be parented speaks volumes. On top of all that when you sopke to their father about it he ignored you also doesn't say much for your bf. Sorry your sad about the break up, 8 years is a long time to spend with someone at any point in your life but at the end of the day it's about your own personal happiness. Seek the comfort of your family (your mom, dad , brother, sister) or just close friends you'll get through it.
I already feel better reading
I already feel better reading your replies ! I have just been feeling very disoriented in my new place and trying to reastablish myself. I had the closest relationship with the 13 year old and it's been very painful to be cut off from that. I have tried to initiate contact with him but haven't received much of a response from him. I know that is based on hearing his Dad talk about me and obviously in a not so flattering light. I do know I have done nothing to deserve how I was - or am - being treated need to work through getting myself back after being lost in so much turmoil. I'm thinking post traumatic stress syndrome might actually be occuring !
Just from my own experiences,
Just from my own experiences, I am your age, have 3 SKids. We have been together for 20 years. First, you need to stop blaming yourself for all of the dynamics going on. Your boyfriend is probably over compensating for divorce and enabling the two oldest ones because of guilt. My husband did this for years and just an FYI.... it never works! What ends up happening is the older the adult kids get the more entitled. It sounds like your boyfriend does not know how to put up boundaries and wants to blame you for not accepting this enabling dynamic he has going on. First off the two oldest need a timeframe to get out of the house. They are grown and need to start leaning towards some kind of independence. You i am sure do not want them "out" but he does not want to put that expectation on them which is first, unfair to you and second, damaging to them.
The other thing to understand, even though you are the step mom and miss the younger one, the reality of the situation is you are not his real mom. This is a tough nut to swallow as a stepmom. If he is not responsive to wanting a relationship with you, try to move past that and let it go. I am sure he loves you but there is the loyalty he feels for his dad and mom and by having a relationship with you he is having to choose. Try not to take that personal. It is what it is. It is not you!
This is NOT your issue. His
This is NOT your issue. His lack of parenting and giving "head of household" status to his kids is HIS issue. I can only imagine that it is hard, because it was not a short relationship. However, do not let him guilt you into second guessing yourself. If he allowed his kids to dictate his life, he did it ONLY because you were not their mother. Had you been their mother, he would NOT have allowed it. Wether you are the kid's mother or not, you were still HIS SPOUSE (even if not married, as you were together for so long). He will continue to have issues with any woman, unless the woman allows herself to be his doormat. Pat yourself on the back for not falling for their sick and twisted way of thinking...and obviously psychotic and crazy way of thinking. It is they who have mental health issues, not you. It takes a strong woman to know what she deserves and walk out. And you should be very proud of that.
Why are 2 college educated
Why are 2 college educated men living with their dad?
You've got two grown, adult,
You've got two grown, adult, college educated men living with their dad??? WTF???
Well the 24 year old dropped
Well the 24 year old dropped out of college twice. His father told him 'either you work full time or go to school full time" or he would be kicked out. He did neither. Last winter he quit his job hung around the house for the entire winter. Blamed the economy for not being able to find a job. Finally went to register to take ONE class at the local Community College and his Dad never once asked him what classes he was taking, or what they were. I pointed this out to my bf who informed me "well his Mother was dealing with it", which wasn't true at all - it was a smoke screen so my bf didn't have to confront the son and the son knew it.
The 22 year old is in school part time and working part time. He has always been the more responsible one and loved being away at school...until he discovered he could have all the freedom to do as he pleased and live at home so he changed colleges. Neither pays rent or contributes to the house in terms of food or helping out. It was very, very tough to continue to watch the dynamic and listen to my bf constantly complaining to me - or anyone who would listen to him - about 'his' situation and not knowing what to do, or doing anything to change it.
Like is said in previous
Like is said in previous post, enabling. It drives me nuts when grown men blame the economy. My SS34 has been unemployed for 3 years! Maybe the dream job does not exist but you mean to tell me Walmart, Target, 7-11 are not hiring? I know, call me crazy! Times have changed i guess, i had to work all kinds of crappy jobs while i was in school! Time for BF to stop the insanity, it is only going to get worse, trust me!
Good luck, take some time off and regroup. Think about if this is where you want to be.
SM are constantly being
SM are constantly being blamed for things that aren't in any way shape or form their fault. It is easier to blame someone else that to look in the mirror.
Don't blame yourself, it isn't your fault!
It doesn't matter if they are
It doesn't matter if they are college educated or not. At their age if they're not still in school then they should be working full time and on their own, not living with their dad.
What you're feeling is lonliness from the separation along with the strangeness of being on your own again. You WILL get used to this and you WILL get past the lonliness and get your life back on track, just give it time.
This is in no way your fault and although it doesn't feel like it right now, in time you will see that moving out was the healthiest and best solution for you. Hang in there!
It doesn't matter if they are
It doesn't matter if they are college educated or not. At their age if they're not still in school then they should be working full time and on their own, not living with their dad.
What you're feeling is lonliness from the separation along with the strangeness of being on your own again. You WILL get used to this and you WILL get past the lonliness and get your life back on track, just give it time.
This is in no way your fault and although it doesn't feel like it right now, in time you will see that moving out was the healthiest and best solution for you. Hang in there!
Hi There... first of all
Hi There... first of all congratulations on seeing things exactly as they are and taking care of your needs. So many women stay and become door mats. Regret is always part of walking away. Your man does not know how to be happy and stand up for himself - or for you for that matter. He is miserable because of his kids and HOW DARE YOU be able to walk out??? Now that you are away from the craziness... how about calling up the boyfriend and telling him you love him and his kids too - if you feel that way - but no way in hell are you going to live with them.... Date him on your terms. Have the benefits of seeing him and enjoying him - but no the hassle of the adult kids. I see this as a win-win for you if you make it that way for yourself.... You were very smart....
You did what was right by
You did what was right by getting out. I have no doubt you tried to speak to the children's father repeatedly to try and resolve the situation and all fell on deaf ears as this is very typical and that causes alot of hurt and eventually emotional seperation. Any change like this will take awhile to recover from but you must have felt almost immediate relief from the lack of chaos not being in the home. I am glad you could see that you did not need to live like this and got out.