So ready to just quit.. SS's keep trying to drive us apart and their dad is letting it happen..
Ok, I have posted about these kids time and time again.. I am so sick of their games and manipulation!! I want them to go away - seriously.
I have 2 SS's - ages 10 & 12. Been with them and DH for 2 years. I have a bio daughter of my own - age 8.
Example 1 -
The boys were recently at their grandmothers house for a week (and thank heavens for that). Her home is 5 hours away, so when it was time for them to come home, we met them 1/2 way at a local mall. We all did a little shopping and goofing off at the mall and it was fun. I understood that the boys would be all over their father when we got there and was completely accepting of that - I hung back with the girls and all was well. We all went into this sports store and the boys did their usual "buy me this/buy me that" crap.. (yes, they have a sense of entitlement and ARE spoiled).. you tell them "no" and it's temper tantrum time. Well, SK10 sees this wallet he wants - it's 35.00 and dad says "no.. maybe it would make a good Christmas present" (hinting around that he might still get it). We leave the store and I run back in to buy it so we can hold it till Christmas (dad and I discussed it first of course). Then we are all walking around the mall and SK10 says something under his breath and "STUPID".. I ask him what he is saying stupid about.. he doesn't tell me. Then his grandma tells him he shouldn't say that word (true - the kid says a lot of bad things along those lines and has a "mean mouth").. I say no more about it. I just let it go. Then 10 minutes later dad comes up to me and asks me "why did I get mad at SK10 for just saying stupid?".. I was like "what?" I didn't get mad at anything - just asked him what he was saying stupid about.. I get the third degree and told to be nice because SK10 runs to daddy to tell on me.. for what?
This pissed me off. This is a constant issue with these boys.. I do, say, whatever and they don't like it.. they run and tell daddy and create drama. We weren't back with them 3 hours and it's starting..
Example 2.
At dinner we are all talking and DH says "wow, Ali would never work here because of the uniforms they make you wear"... Ali, is is ex wifes 21 year old daughter (from her first marriage) and she prefers to work as the beer and shot girl at bars (so she can wear next to nothing) - which is exactly what DH was implying by his remark to me about the uniforms. I said, yea she prefers the hoochie uniform. We all know it. We have all said it before - this isn't a behind the scenes diss. It is a well known fact and it wasn't said maliciously.
After dinner SK12 takes daddy to the side and says "that remark hurt my feelings" and I get blown up about saying mean things about the boys sister. I am told I need to apologize to SK12 for hurting his feelings.. What?... OMG.. First of all it wasn't mean.. second of all I am not the only one in the family that has ever remarked about her clothing choices. In fact, I have even stuck up for her regarding her clothing a time or two.
I refused to kiss SK12 ass. I walked right up to him in front of his grandma and say "look, I didn't say anthing bad about your sister. it is true she doesn't like the uniforms at this restaurant and that she prefers to wear shorts and bikini tops to work, we all know this. furthermore, if you have an issue with what I say then you need to talk to me about it - not go run to your dad and try to get me in trouble" The little jerk wouldn't even make eye contact with me. His grandma backed me on this and told him to look at me and he wouldn't.. you think his daddy busted his ass about that.. nope.
I mean, what the HELL??? It's to the point where I don't want to be near these kids because everything I say is judged, everything I tell them to do is unfair and they have the power now to create drama whenever they want. We were with them for a total of 1.5 days before it was time for them to go back to their moms.. you know how many times they ran to their dad and tried to start shit.. 4. 2 times each kid. They have learned and mastered this game.
I have told their father that this is BS and I can't deal with it. He gives me the "kill them with kindness" guilt trip. I have been kind to these monsters and all I get is conflict and back stabbing. It is to the point where I don't want to lift a damn finger for them and refuse to go out of my way to do anything for them.
I feel awful for disliking them, but they haven't done much to make me like them. I love my DH, but he is feeding into this and making me want to give up.
How would you respond.. what would you do?
"I feel awful for disliking
"I feel awful for disliking them, but they haven't done much to make me like them. I love my DH, but he is feeding into this and making me want to give up"
I think this is the main problem. If you had your DH's support, you would probably like your Step kids more. The more they succeed in "getting you in trouble" , the more they will do this. If DH does have a problem with something you do, unless it is something very, very big, he should only discuss is with you and not let them know.
I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation. If you honestly think that this will always be this way, as far as not having your DH's support, then you would be better off by yourself. I do not believe at all in staying in the relationship if the spouse is not a real partner in this, and then just retaliating,and any of the other petty ways that make it bearable to live with this. Either you two support each other, or you believe that it will become that way, or leave. Any compensating that people do, for not having a solid relationship with the kids dad, is unhealthy and unfair. You deserve a partner; maybe counseling with him or a good book will help.
It is very normal to harbor these feelings if you are not supported!
Ughh.. yea, you are correct
Ughh.. yea, you are correct in your assessment.
I have told him time and time again - "you need to have my back and not undermine me".. Nope, he throws me under the bus completely in front of the kids. No wonder I resent them! And now I am starting to resent him for doing this to me. It is absolutely killing our realationship.
Great advice.. yea, they need
Great advice..
yea, they need to be invisible to me until things get straightened out. I refuse to walk on eggshells because of these brats - they might be able to pull the wool over daddys eyes.. but not mine.
MY SD played these games.
MY SD played these games. Just disengage and don't put yourself in any situation with them. Leave all these type of outings to DH and eventually he will start to see it and call them out on it. Worked for me. To the point DH couldn't believe the manipulation his daughter was doing, he wasn't seeing it when it was all of us together. He started cracking down on everything and she was not getting away with things anymore and fast forward to now and she lives with BM. Disengaging does work and it sounds drastic, but it will make your life better.
It's not even the discipline
It's not even the discipline they run to him about.. it's everything I say...
I made the remark about why the pillows and blanket were on the couch Sunday morning "DH fell asleep on the couch last night"... big deal right? SK12.. he runs to daddykins (behind my back).. "SM said you slept on the couch last night...??" all whiney and concerned.. you know why he asked..? to start drama (and because he would be delighted if his dad and I were to the him sleeping on the couch point of fighting)...
I can't even freaking talk in my own home now for fear it will get spun and reported..
The kids aren't the problem,
The kids aren't the problem, dad is.
The kids should be able to go to their dad about anything.
Just because he listens to what the SKs tell him, doesn't mean he has to react to it.
Unfortunately, it will be
Unfortunately, it will be their father, your DH who sets the tone for your relationship with them. For one, they are children, which manipulate by nature. If they get what they want by doing this (daddy mad at step mommy) and there are no consequences for them, they have no reason to ever stop.
I learned a long time ago that I had to be the one to set the boundaries because my DH wouldn't (disney dad full of guilt). It ticked DH off, but - he and SS soon realized that I meant business. If your DH doesn't set the "rules of engagement" with the skids, you need to for your own sanity.
If they are poor poor children of divorce, deserving of unconditional love and respect and leniency and forgiveness because they come from a torn home - then don't you deserve the same unconditional love and respect, etc., by being HUMAN ALONE? ALL HUMANS DESERVE IT - SO WHY ARE WE EXPECTED TO PUT UP WITH CHILDREN'S MISBEHAVIOR. When did children get such a say in how the family unit operates?
This is the part that always KILLS me. These parents wouldn't let these kids get away with that if the 1st marriage was still in tact - so why do they assume it's OK to stop being a parent when the divorce hits. You may be divorced from your spouse, but you will always be these kids parents - and they deserve the best you have to offer. Not spoiled, entitled, misbehaved hethens!
i thought i was alone...
i thought i was alone... guess not. my SS thought he deserved all the entitlements in this world from his dad. i have nothing againsts him but really going game store almost everyday spending $$$ on the games more than buying nutritious foods for our 3 year daughter is pissing me off.just because his mother fed him with mcd doesnt mean when you live in this house, home cook food is nasty!!
so, i had plans that each time they went to game stores i make sure i make him buy something for example toys or clothes for our daughter and etc. it works!!! they can play XBOX in the play room the whole nite till morning and not helping me with things around the house just as long as they both stay away from family tv. Dont expect to lie on my bed to relax cos thats the last sactuary i have before i start packing and leave....!
I agree with all the others.
I agree with all the others. Your dh is encouraging this behavior by even acknowledging what they are saying. My ss13 used to like to tell on me as well-he did stop, for the most part, about a year ago. If I told him he couldnt do something like, eat in his room, he wwould take off literally running to go tell his dad. He had to run because when I saw him take off in dh's direction I would not allow him to go. Dh did a good job ignoring it and it has mostly stopped
My issue is more that he continues to do it with my kids. Dh gets that I am an adult and so therefore will not cater to anything ss says I did-but he still falls for it, at times, when he is telling on my kids. Dh and I have talked about it and dh has done better, but last time he was here-ss got in so much trouble (on unrelated things) that the very few minutes he was around my ds-he kept instigating stuff just looking for a chance to tell on him. After multiple verbal assaults my ds12 plopped a stuffed snake on ss's head. Not hit him with it, not threw it at him, but just literally plopped the top of it on his head. SS was off like a shot to tell dh and I guess since ss got in so much trouble he felt sorry for him and dh actually came bounding in and called my ds12 a troublemaker. You bet I shut that shit down asap. My dh shut up pretty quickly but is still pissed me off that he gave into it for even a second as it just encourages it.
I have talked to him till I
I have talked to him till I was sick of talking.. about how we need unity and need to be on the same page, blah, blah, blaaaah.. he argues that the kids are this way because I am sooooooooo hard on them.. what? really..? No.. they are B_R_A_T_S and truthfully I am probably too tolerant of their BS.
He does not get that kids (epecially divorced kids) are manipulators and will do whatever it takes to get what they want. I have pointed this out to him on several occasions.. hell, I lived it.. I was a divorced kid and hated my stepmom to the point where I literally drove her off with my crap. So, I am more aware of the games than your average person.
He doesn't understand that it is extremely hard to be a stepmom - no one wants us, the kids already have a mom and could care less about us.. He thinks that I should just love "the boys more".. uhmm no. How can I possibly love these kids when all they do is go out of their way to give me hell.. "kill them with kindness" he says.. LMAO.. They have made it loud and clear on more than one occasion that they don't want me or my daughter in "their" lives.
You are right.. we are headed down a horribly rough stretch of road if he doesn't change his backwards ass approach to blending this family.
Everyone else is right: Your
Everyone else is right: Your DH is the problem, not the kids.
As a man trying to understand how to healthily and cohesively build a new life with a new (and very wonderful) woman, while trying to appropriately parent my 7 yo daughter, I can tell you that it is a tough road. But tough roads take tough action (on both of your parts). Your DH will probably not be able to "hear" the things you are saying very well (hence your exhaustion), so I think it is critical to involve a third party. Hell, that is the reason I sought out this discussion forum: My fiancee's disengagement breaks my heart and I know that, despite how many times she's told me something, it's harder to learn these lessons from her. And, frankly, I think there is a limit to how much she should have to "teach" me.
In a very difficult conversation, she told me to "talk to other people" and she was right. I never knew how much I DIDN'T KNOW until I started talking to other people. If he loves you and wants to save his relationship with his life-long companion, he'll respond. Heck, you can even tell him that sex is a non-option until he can demonstrate some tangible initiative to address these issues. Or whatever. Disengage however you see fit. Just a suggestion. The point is that YOU NEED TO HAVE HEALTHY BOUNDARIES TOO and if you allow him to walk on you, than you're contributing to EVERYBODY'S dysfunction.
I have almost the identical
I have almost the identical things happen to me. But my DH has 3 boys & a girl. So double your drama and you're in my household. I'm at my breaking point.