Step-mom dealing with a hateful ex-wife
:? I will apologize before hand for this being a long post....
My husband and I met in high school. We were best friends/high school sweethearts. I moved away from California in 1999 when I was 19 and he was 18. We lost contact when I moved away. I never stopped trying to find him and see how he was doing. I sent a note to him through our church that I later found out came to him at the end of his honeymoon.
He got married to his ex in 2002. I married my ex in 2002 as well. I got divorced in 2008. He got divorced in 2009. He ended up having two kids. A boy who is now 5 and a girl who is now 8. In December 2008 I found his then wife on myspace. I added her as a friend because I wanted to find out how he was doing and to find out how his family was doing. Apparently one day while she was looking at my myspace he walked by and she hid the screen right away. He didn't know at that point that she had befriended me on myspace. He noticed it was me. Later that night he messaged me on myspace. The next day we talked and caught up on the years we had been apart.
My husband confided in me that day that he was having problems with his wife. He had been wanting to leave for a few years. He stayed with her because of the kids. In February of 2009 he left her and moved out. She found out I was in his life again and became irate. She knew who I was from the beginning of their relationship. From the beginning he had told her about me and how we used to be best friends and high school sweethearts. My guess is she always harbored bad feelings towards me because she thought he always harbored good feelings for me.
I saw him for the first time in 10 years in March of 2009. I knew at that moment I would be with him for the rest of my life. It was as if 10 years had not passed. From the time he left until today his ex has been so vindictive and angry and hateful. She tried everything to get him back. When he filed for divorce they had to go to parenting classes and she refused. She thought that if she refused to go to the classes the divorce would not happen. She even went so far as to ask him to sleep with her then she would go to the parenting class. Eventually he got her to go. He moved to Washington from Utah in August of 2009 to be with me. When he left Utah, he basically lost his relationship with his kids.
My husband's ex wife has cut off all contact with him. Once in a great blue moon one of the kids will answer the phone and we will then get to talk to them. In the past few weeks she has told us that she got rid of her phone and we don't have a way to get a hold of the kids, but she certainly does email very hateful things. In the beginning of my relationship with my husband she totally turned the kids against me. I remember meeting them for the first time and the girl telling me that her mommy does not like me and that I am a bad person. I told her that it was up to her whether she likes me or not. She decided that she did like me and was ok with me. The boy loved me right away. This whole time she has been telling the kids that her new boyfriend who is now her husband, is the kids' dad. When we would talk to them the girl would say "Hi charlie, oh I mean hi dad" I have never once told them I was their new mom.
In 2010 we went to Utah to see the kids. We had emailed the ex and her new boyfriend letting them know when we were coming, as that is what is stipulated in the divorce decree. They had moved from her parent's house and did not want to give us their new address. We used some good detective skills and called Baby's R Us and got their address, as she was pregnant with a new baby by her boyfriend. When we got down there after driving 18+ hours she denied us visitation with them. We even got the police involved and she still denied us. We stayed for a few days and then drove back home. A few months later we told them we were driving back down to hopefully see them. They said we could spend 3 hours with them.
When we got down there his ex and her boyfriend dropped the kids off at the place we were going to. The boy ran up to me and said "You're not my mommy" I bent down and hugged him and said "That's right I am not your mommy, who am I" And he answered "You're Amie." I have never asked them to call me anything other than Amie. I have always told them I am their step mom and that they have a mom that's not me. We went to build a bear and had the kids build some bears. THe girl wanted to build a bear for her new brother. I said that was ok, so we built one for the new brother. After we spent some time with the kids we took them back to their house. I gave my husband's ex the bear we had made for her new son. I even asked to hold her new son and she let me. She invited me in to her house and my husband came inside too.
We have not seen the kids since 2010. In the past 9 months we have only talked to the kids 2 times. Whenever my husband has contact with his ex through email she is always so hateful towards me. We bought some stuff for the kids for their birthday's and emailed her to see if she could send photos of the kids in their new clothes. She said that she would send them but that I couldn't put them on my facebook because they are not my kids. I already have hundreds of photos of them on my facebook, and on my facebook it states they are my step kids. I have never once claimed they were my kids.
My husband feels torn. He wants to stick up for me, and he does for the most part, but he wants to keep things civil between him and the ex. She doesn't have one nice bone in her body. For instance my husband's sister was her friend on facebook, but the ex deleted her and told her that because she was friends with me and talked with me that they couldn't be friends. This means that the kids will grow up not knowing their paternal aunt or cousins because I am in their lives.
My husband had been out of work for over a year until May this year. Before he was out of work he was able to pay child support. Once he was out of work I didn't make enough to pay all the bills as well as child support. We still bought birthday presents and christmas presents and back to school stuff while he was out of work. Now that he is back to work we are working on getting caught up. I am coming in to some money in a few months and I am going to pay his back child support. We are buying all of the back to school stuff for them for this year. She is so unappreciative of the things we do, and all she can focus on is the fact that my husband hasn't been able to pay child support. While he was out of work he was going to school, so it's not like he was just sitting around doing nothing.
Whenever we send presents to the kids, I always sign my own little thing to the card so they know I love them and think about them. I never say "love mom" I always say "love amie" They know who their mom is.
It breaks my heart that my husband has been denied a relationship with his kdis because she chooses to be so hateful and vindictive. All we can do is continue what we are doing and hope that some day the kids will know the truth, that their dad does love them, that their dad has tried to keep a relationship with them, that their mom was the one who was keeping them from him.
If you have made it this far, thank you for reading my story. Any advice, or hints or tips would greatfully be appreciated.
believe it or not, i
believe it or not, i appreciate your comment. I am trying to see things from both sides. I see how she is angry and hurt and upset because he hasn't been paying cs for the two kids he helped produce. In my mind I don't see how a mom can keep her kids from their dad because he isn't paying cs. I also see the struggle he has gone through to find a job, keep it in this economy and go to school. it's not that he didn't want to work. When he lived in Utah he had a great job and the job market in Utah was better than here in Washington. I saw him day after day apply for jobs, not get interviews, or get interviews and not get hired on. I tried to pay cs for him when I could but I couldn't afford everything. Now that he is working we are paying it and like i said we are going to pay the back support once I get my money.
I'm curious why you didn't
I'm curious why you didn't move to be with him instead of him leaving his kids. I didn't see you mention kids with your ex. Kids will eventually figure out the truth. It may take a long time, but they're not dumb. All you can do is keep loving them and hope they figure it out sooner rather than later!
I don't have any bio kids. I
I don't have any bio kids. I never wanted kids. When I got divorced I told myself and everyone around me that I would not marry a man with kids, but I love my husband and have loved him since we were in high school so I made an exception for him. I offered to move to Utah to be with him and his kids to make things easier. He wanted to move away from the ex to hopefully have a healthier life. We are both originally from california. I have since offered many many times to move to Utah so he can have a relationship with them again. He doesn't want to move back for a couple of reasons. He is happy here in Washington and his mental health is so much better. He also doesn't think she will change if he moves back anyway. Ever since he left her she has been angry and out to make his life miserable because she feels he made hers miserable. He also doesn't want to put me in harms way. He and I both believe if we lived there near the kids she would try to physically harm me, as she has charged at me before.
She is so angry for a lot of reasons and one reason is that she believes he never really loved her and that he loved me the whole time they were married. Truth be told by him, he was in love with me the whole time, but felt that he coulnd't have me so he would try to have a normal life being married with kids. She constantly tells the kids that I took their daddy away. From the beginning I have told him that if he feels the need to live near the kids then we can. I work in healthcare so I can get a job anywhere.
He is a grown man and makes
He is a grown man and makes his own decisions. I have given him plenty of advice and chances and I stand behind him 100%. Yes he did move away from his kids and ended up not being able to pay cs for a while. We know we can't go back and change things, but we can move forward and make things better, hence the reason we are paying a lump sum for the back support that he was not paying. What would have happened had he stayed and been laid off and not had a job for a while? He wouldn't have been able to support them monetarily then either. Regardless of the monetary issue, she should not be keeping him from the kids. I see where they both are in the wrong, him for not paying cs and her for keeping the kids from him. Regardless of their feelings towards each other, the thing to think about is the kids.
"Regardless of their feelings
"Regardless of their feelings towards each other, the thing to think about is the kids".
Very true...if ONLY these BMs put their kids' needs before their own, ALL of us would be much happier.
We can't go back and do things over, but it sounds like you're really working towards making things right. All of us have made mistakes. I believe it's not the mistake that's important as much as how you recover from and fix it. Is there a court order regarding parenting time? After the CS is paid in full, you should pursue that. I hope you can get everything resolved.
I think your blame is being
I think your blame is being misplaced. You say he's being denied a relationship with his kids because BM is vindictive and hateful.
Um, are you missing the fact that he MOVED AWAY from them and STOPPED SUPPORTING them?
In many states, the lack of contact and support for one year is grounds for abandonment.
his lack of contact is not
his lack of contact is not from a lack of trying. We have phone records that show we have tried to keep in contact. We have certified return receipts showing we tried to send letters. I helped pay as much cs as I could up until a point. Then I couldn't afford to pay for everything. I know he has an obligation to his kids to help support them. I didn't mind supporting my husband while he was going to school and looking for a job. It's a decision we made together to better himself to get a better job. We knew that not being able to pay cs would come with some consequences, but since when is not paying cs a right for the bm to keep the kids from the bf.
I can't get past the fact
I can't get past the fact that he moved away from his kids. He could have worked on his mental health without moving away. I am all for people starting over (I wish I could move far away sometimes), but he had young children and he chose you over them. I can't imagine they will ever understand that. Having worked as counselor with many kids from broken homes, I can tell you, the ones whose parents moved away like your DH did-they are very very hurt children. There is really nothing you can say to make them feel better. It would be one thing if he was in the military, or if he had a job that required him to be far from home for a certain time period. Those kinds of situations CAN be explained.
I understand that the BM may have a lot of resentment towards you, but I feel for her, too. She is the one who has to explain why daddy just suddenly left.
My best advice: move back to where his kids are, so he can attempt to rebuild his relationship with them. They are still young, he may have a chance.
I agree that it may not have
I agree that it may not have been the best decision for him to move away, but had he not things would have been much worse and they would have been thrown in the face of the kids. With him in another state all the confrontations take place in email. The kids aren't subjected to all of the confrontations. Granted, she has had to pick up the pieces and explain to them why daddy is not there. They will probably grow up resenting me because I took daddy away. The whole situation sucks. In a perfect world he would be in a close proximity to his kids, be able to see them on a regular basis, support them financially as well as emotionally.
The old addage of you can
The old addage of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink comes to mind. I have offered several times for us to move back to utah to be closer to the kids. It has been his decision to not go back in to the "lions den." Things would certainly be much much worse if he lived there. When he lived there she made an attempt to break in to his house several times when he had the kids. He had to call the cops on her... Can you imagine if the kids had woken up and seen their mom in handcuffs? She kept the kids from him even when he did live there. She would say he could come over and pick them up for his visitation days. She would conviently not be there.
If the BM is vindictive and
If the BM is vindictive and harasses the DH, his family, friends and even employers to the point where he can't work where he is and therefore feels he has to leave the area to make a living, that would be difficult for her to explain to children, because it is her own self who did that to the children.
I am just illustrating an
I am just illustrating an ignored but common divorce occurance IMO
Visitation and child support
Visitation and child support should not be tied together and I am not sure in any state that they are.
If you are back to paying cs and he is also working on paying the arrears-then I would go to court and have them draw up a new court order for visitation. It sounds like alot has changed since the original decree. If mom is mad that he didnt pay cs then that is fine-she has every right to be and I could see where she would be resentful, unfortunately keeping her children away from their father also emotionally damages them.
I do think she has a reason to be mad. Not necessarily about the move-people have a right to start a new life and a long distance visitation plan could have been worked out where he could have the kids summers, holidays, etc and he still could have maintained a healthy relationship with them. But about the not paying cs. He stopped supporting his kids, but yet you guys were still sending gifts. To me, when those gifts arrived I'd be extra pissy that you had the cash to send gifts, but not cs. Or that you had cash to travel back to their state, but not pay cs. Or that your dh could choose to go back to school and not work. Heck he could have worked at McDonalds while going back to school-and at least paid something, right? I know that fast food always seems to be hiring.
Also, I am unclear on how much contact you have had with the children? Have you just visited with them a couple of times? If so-as a bm I would be very uncomfortable with my ex's new wife who doesnt really even know my kids having hundreds of pics of them on facebook. And sending cards and notes saying "I love you". It's rather intrusive and love doesnt just happen because you married their dad. If I am wrong and you have enjoyed regular visiations for a period of time with kids and gotten close with them then I apologize.
We are going to go back to
We are going to go back to court to have a new visitation order drawn up, now that he lives out of state. In the original order he was able to have them for the whole summer, but that was when he lived near them. I don't think it's wise to have them in another state just yet, maybe when they do get older.
Thank you for giving me a bm prospective on the situation. This is why I wrote on here, I want to be able to see all sides of the situation. I can see how she would be pissed if we were able to buy presents but not pay cs, or come visit but not pay cs.
I have met the kids a few times. I have talked on the phone with them a few times. I can see how as the bm she would be leary of having her kids with someone she didn't know. On the flip side, I have to say that my DH never got a chance to say who she could bring around their kids. She basically had her boyfriend move in over night and my dh had never met the man. They have since married and my dh has had a chance to meet him one time. How is that she can have anyone around the kids but she can say who my dh is allowed to have around the kids. Their step dad has them liste on facebook as his kids, he has photos of them that say "my kids or our kids" At least I have the compassion enough not to claim them as my kids.
I completely agree with going
I completely agree with going back to court and getting a new custody order. And the previous poster is correct - child support payment and custody are NOT intertwined. The court recognizes that financial hardships happen. Child support does not "purchase" the right to see your children!
And just ignore SMofknowitall. Apparently she has the whole step-mom deal figured out and enjoys judging others' situations. Frankly I have no idea why she is on here - it is certainly not to get opinions or advice - more likely to get her rocks off picking on people!
i like your quote at the
i like your quote at the bottom of your posts!
i need a tshirt like that
i need a tshirt like that haha.... my husband i love the shirts with sayings like that.
You very well may be right.
You very well may be right. I have been irritated at her lecturing us "mere mortals" more than once. I would not be surprised if she actually was a BM on here trying to show the "husband stealing hussy step-moms" the error of our ways!
you hit the nail on the head,
you hit the nail on the head, why is it that a lot of SM get called husband stealers and home wreckers. I'm not saying I am the reason he left his ex, but obviously if something was wrong with the marriage to where he left then how is it my fault that they got a divorce. If you have good communication, lots of love and good support between one another there is no way some other person is going to be able to come between you and your husband. It's easier for them to put the blame of their unhappiness on other people.
thank you. we are certainly
thank you. we are certainly trying to right our wrongs and get caught up. things happen in life. if we had an instruction manual to life, life would be perfect. but God gave each and everyone of us free agency and we have to try to make our own instruction manual. my husband and i are very happy in life, except for the fact he can't talk to the kids, and she has to make everything a battle. There a such thing as being angry and feeling a certain way versus always saying crappy stuff about other people and putting other people down.
my thought on my whole
my thought on my whole situation: BM is jealous that I am with the man she dearly loved and still loves to this day. He is the father of her kids and all she ever wanted was a life of happiness with her husband and kids. She is angry because of the cs issue. She is angry because he moved away to try to better his life so that maybe one day he can have a stable life and home where his kids can visit and be happy. I just get tired of all the drama she tries to cause. She tries to pit me and my husband against each other, but my husband and i are so much on the same page we could never be pit against each other.