BM wants to meet alone with DH to talk about SD
BM is insisting that it is very important that she and DH meet alone, in person (she has suggested restaurant or her house) to discuss SD (23). I am not invited. DH asked her if there was some emergency situation going on with SD. BM said "no, it was not an emergency." DH said "if it's not an emergency, why can't we discuss by phone or email?" BM did not answer that question, but just stated again that it was very important for SD that they meet and co-parent. DH said he didn't feel comfortable agreeing to meet without knowing what topics they were going to discuss. She replied by saying that agendas were for work, not family. DH and I thought this was weird. DH put his foot down and said no meeting if she can't even tell him what it's about. Now BM is sending all sorts of guilt trip emails to DH saying SD is upset DH shut out BM and that he is not setting a good parenting example for SD. DH has talked to SD since then and SD did not bring this up.
I'm happy with DH's handling of the situation, but am perplexed about BM's motives. Has anyone else ever dealt with a similar situation?
Hello she is 23 years old
Hello she is 23 years old there is nothing that nasty BM needs to discuss with your DH - I told my DH that after next June if he ever talks to BM again we are through - there is nothing that needs to be discussed about our SS that SS could not discuss with his father and my DH totally agrees. He does not need to talk to BM she can talk to herself - their daughter is 23 when the hell do these kids grow up?!?!?!?!
I agree with Caregiver, my DH
I agree with Caregiver, my DH has grown sons that BM1 always tries to talk about. I will use the exact words he said "I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT, 18 YEARS ARE OVER. IF THE BOYS, I MEAN MEN HAVE SOMETHING TO DISCUSS WITH ME THEN THEY CAN TALK TO ME. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU SINCE MY GROWN SONS ARE OF AGE." if she's under 18 ok but she's an adult there is nothing that should be up for discussion between your DH and BM...If SD has an issue she's grown she can discuss it with the dad.
I agree w/the others. She's
I agree w/the others. She's an adult and is able to discuss any issues herself. BM is up to no good. Hopefully she'll learn her lesson from this.
My DH would never meet BM
My DH would never meet BM alone for anything, much less to discuss SD26 and SS28. There is no more coparenting to be done.
If SD23 needs a parent, she can go to your DH or her mother herself.
That is really weird. Thank
That is really weird. Thank goodness your DH isn't falling for that! I agree with everyone else. SD is 23. There is no reason on this green earth that she needs to meet with him about SD, and if there were she could definitely mention the content in an email or over the phone. She's playing games.
My MIL does this... she will
My MIL does this... she will text my FIL about SIL who is 23 years old. WTF? Really...? If there is something to talk about, then SIL can talk to her dad. You don't need to. There was ONE time that my dad contacted my mom when we were adults, it was regarding my older sister who was about 31 at the time but neglecting her teenage kids and being a real idiot. They spoke over the phone and arranged a FAMILY intervention which included all of us, our parents, step parents, and all of my sisters. She is still a flake... some people never change, but I thought it was appropriate in THAT situation.
Thank you! DH and I can't
Thank you! DH and I can't think of a legit reason they need to meet and think it is so strange that BM won't tell him the purpose, other than "to talk about SD."
Her guilt trip emails are starting to wear on us though. She makes it seem like DH is permanently damaging SD by refusing to meet in person. Just needed someone to tell me that DH and I weren't crazy.
Co-parent a 23 year old??
Co-parent a 23 year old?? How dumb can that woman be?
OH, BELIEVE ME......our BM
OH, BELIEVE ME......our BM believed the very same thing and was pissed off when we blocked her from contacting us. That's when the relationship with my DH and his daughters started to end. The 18 year old still wanted to hide behind mommy's skirt and let BM do all her dirty work to (verbally) abuse daddy.
At first, I was totally confused at the drama and how much influence she was allowed to have in his life. It felt like she was virtually in our bed every night. She had that much control that affected OUR LIVES!!!!
I'd finally had it one day, and blocked her from calling.
So get this.......the oldest SD brat (21) calls DH and chews his ass out that "he doesn't even know what's going on in HIS household........blah blah blah" and "BM needs to be able to contact him about us".
I flat out told him, no more of this crap. The girls are old enough to talk to him directly if they have issues, etc. No more having her call and co-parent anymore. Divorced 5 years, and the kids are now over 18, there needs to be zero contact from that evil bitch.
>>What is there really for
>>What is there really for them to discuss?<<
Right? My parents have been divorced a billion years, and I would be MAD if I found out they were sitting down to discuss coparenting me at TWENTY-THREE! Geeez.
Oh no doubt! They are not
Oh no doubt! They are not that inventive with the subterfuge.
She says they will always be
She says they will always be parents and, thus, always need to coparent. I'm not sure I buy her logic.
Yes I have. BM wanted to get
Yes I have. BM wanted to get DH "away from other influences, so that they could make some parenting decisions as a family."
AKA - she wanted to move 800 miles away and guilt DH into letting her take SD by forcing SD into saying how much she'd miss her mom & brothers and sisters and she didn't want to move away (I loved this one - she was moving either way - Duh.)
DH didn't meet with her - it wasn't necessary and he refused to allow SD to be put in the middle.
that is crazy. there is
that is crazy. there is nothing that they need to discuss that can not be said over the phone.
Any way why if the child is an adult do they need to even be discussing things. Dh ex would call about the kids when they were adults, but never ask him to meet her alone. I was so glad when they got married, then she quit calling. You and well you Dh need to set the rules and say they are adults. That is what dh told ex. The need to co parent is just nuts. They are adults
"alone at a restaurant or HER
"alone at a restaurant or HER house" - I DON"T THINK SO. Grrrrr - some women just never stop with the games.
I'm sure the 23yr old is quite capable of contacting her daddy if she needs to. BM has little need for interaction with YOUR husband - let alone at a Restaurant or HER house. Bet you want to slap her
glad your DH feels the same - stick with it
The only reason I could think
The only reason I could think that co-parenting at that age might be necessary, is if one parent thinks SD is suicidal, or some other extremely urgent matter, then yes, I would certainly think a joint force would be beneficial, but as she has stated it’s not an emergency situation, then she’s obviously playing some game. If the emails don’t stop, block her email.
"Co-parent" at 23!! It is to
"Co-parent" at 23!! It is to laugh.
More like "uni-bitch"
DH should stick to his guns:
"BM, our daughter is 23 and we have nothing to co-parent about; it's not an emergency so I have no intention to make small talk with you while you bash my wife. . .which IS the intention here, isn't it, BM?"
Some BM's just never get over
Some BM's just never get over that they are no longer the "wife" in the picture controlling daddy. They don't want to give up the control (abuse) over him, whether they've moved on and/or don't want him back anyway.
She will remain in that delusional state of mind, until you put your foot down. Your DH needs to have a talk with his daughter and ask her what's going on, and ignore the BM. He needs to make it clear to his daughter that she is over 18, and his relationship with his ex-wife ended the day they got the divorce. There is no reason, unless an emergency, that he and his ex-wife need to discuss anything about their daughter anymore.
Thanks again. Before this,
Thanks again. Before this, she would send chatty emails and call occasionally to give DH "updates" about SD and SS (25) (not sure why DH needed these updates as he talks to them on his own) or to ask that he help kids with something (usually $). DH ignored her emails and calls sometimes, or tried to respond in a way that wasn't overly friendly but was civil other times. I found the contact annoying and wished she wasn't so needy, but it didn't really bother me until she suggested this in person meeting and started these guilt trip emails (which I think are really below the belt because she knows that DH has a lot of guilt about putting his kids through divorce). Now I'm starting to think we should have set more boundaries with her from the start. It's odd because she recently got engaged and I would have thought that her contact would be less frequent now that she's found someone.
Our BM has a BF too, but that
Our BM has a BF too, but that didn't stop her from calling my DH all the time, even crying to him about her personal stuff. She's been a drama queen all her life and I believe, she really thinks she has all the "privileges" she did since the day they were married.
The day he told her she doesn't need to call every other day about this or that, she cussed him up one side and then the other. That's the day I blocked her. The SD's have been pissed since and have looked for anything and everything to fuel their hatred towards me. They won't even respond to contact from their father.
Fine with me. I'm happy.
My skid's BM lives out of the
My skid's BM lives out of the country (yippee) so we rarely have to see her much at all. Unfortunately, we still hear about her through my skids, ugh. She was here in May and my husband met with her and 2 of my skids at the hotel she was staying at. Why did he meet her you ask? My oldest SS(28) is an alcoholic and having LOTS of problems dealing with life and he asked his father to meet with him AND his Mom while she was here to see if they both could get BM to accept some responsibility for her actions and inactions. Truthfully, I do believe that they still do need to co-parent the kids because my skids have alot of baggage from their parents divorce. Most of it has been caused by BM and her lies and refusal to accept responsiblity for ANY of her actions. So if BM and DH can both can help my skids with their problems than I dont' have a problem with them meeting face to face - as long as it isn't often! The idea doesn't bother me cuz I know that she can't manipulate my DH with her lies or stories because I am confident in our relationship and I know exactly how he feels about her. He doesn't want to talk with or see her but he did so because he worries about his son and he thought it might help. Unfortunately, my ss hit rock bottom a few weeks later and ended up in jail for a week or so. He is out now and is now desperately trying to make his life better and he's doing good so far so maybe it did help him in the long run. If so, than that is a good outcome for all of us. But I agree that if the kids are very stable and secure in their lives and are adults there isn't a reason for BMs to meet, call, or email BDs.