Hi: I've posted on step talk previously and always found the advice helpful so I thought maybe I could get some good advice on the major fight my live in BF & I had last Saturday & what to do about it. I'm so sad, so lonely & I miss him so much. Although there were problems with us and the kids and kid weekends were tough, I'd take 1 million kid weekends if it meant I could get him back!

Background is we're both 41 yrs old, divorced (me two years and he four) and we've been together for about a year, living together for about 6 months. He has two kids (girl - 6, boy - and I have one son who is 9. For the most part the kids get along pretty well & like each other but the boys do gang up on the girl sometimes & she instigates them. The girl is demanding, whiny and a tattler - girl stuff - and my BF babies and favors her a lot. My BF's son has bad ADHD lots of problems in school and his a handful...when we have him my BF doesn't give him his ADHD meds so he's pretty off the wall sometimes. My son is a bit spoiled, especially by his BD, and sometimes he talks back and/or tries to bargain/talk me into getting what he wants. All the kids had bonded really well, though, to each other and to each of us and I had definately bonded with my BF's kids...sure they could be a pain in the arse sometimes but what kid can't, right? My BF on the other hand, I worried about. He had a hard time adjusting to having my son and I in his life, it seemed. He was, at first jealous of my son taking up so much of his son's time & jealous of how much his daughter liked me and wanted to do things with me. He also didn't seem to bond w/my son as quickly as I bonded with his kids, but when I mentioned it to him and mentioned that my son really wanted it, my BF started trying harder. My BF has had a lot of problems adjusting to moving in with me as well. He said he didn't feel comfortable or at home for a long time, and he said he really wasn't wild about where we live (doesn't like the area, too far away from his kids who are a half hour away, the town is too small and remote, etc.)

We had an arguement about three months back that resulted in my BF telling me that he was going to move back in with his brother (where he lived before he met me) and save money to get his own place, but he still wanted to see and be with me. I wasn't wild about the idea at all and saw it as a step back for us. I also felt that if he moved out, with his hectic work schedule and such that I'd only get to see him, maybe once every two weeks, and that simply wasn't enough for me. I got the impression that what would happen is that he would go on about his life as if I didn't exist most of the time and when HE felt he wanted a little love, affection, companionship and attention he would call me and otherwise I was just supposed to sit around and wait until HE wanated to see me. We did get over this fight and make up. We talked and I asked him if he would consider getting a place with me. I wasn't tied to the town I'm in or my rent so I could and would move without any resentment or anything like that. At first he jumped at it and said, yes, let's do that, but I made him really think about it. I told him it was a big decision (us getting a place together) and that I really wanted him to think about it and make sure it was what he really wanted. He thought about it for about 24 hours which was agonizing for me watching him and waiting praying he'd say that was what he wanted. Well he did. After he thought about it he said he definately wanted to get a place with me. I was thrilled & our lives went back to normal.

We tried to make a plan for the move and such but it obviously hasn't happened as quickly as we'd hoped. We've been busy and never got around to getting a joint checking account to save for the move and such. I hadn't mentioned much about moving over the last three months but it was constantly on my mind and I was starting to take steps to get it done. My BF didn't say much about the move either. It kind of went on the back burner. Over those three months since I've started to feel like my BF was growing distant. He stopped doing some of the things he used to do, started going out more, hanging out with his buds and coming home too tired to do anything. I started to feel kind of rejected, neglected, and needy. I tried to express this to him gently and subtly but he would just say it wasn't me or a lack of interest in me, that it was just that he never seems to have enough time, which I know to some degree is true. He works two jobs 6 am - 8 pm sometimes but I never know what time he's coming home. His second job is pretty much at his leisure so he can work as many hours as he wants/needs. It seemed like he was either working late (and yes I know he was working and don't suspect him of being unfaithful at all) or cutting out early but going to hang with his buds. He was coming home later and when he got here all he wanted to do was shower, eat and sleep. It really started to get to me and I started to pressure him a bit which was probably a mistake. I started to get worried as to whether getting a place with him was a good idea and have some doubts. I raised them to him one evening and he just said that he was glad that I told him but he didn't say much else. Then we had a breakthrough a few weekends ago. We had a great non kid weekend together. It was fantastic and we were both geniunely so happy. He expressed his love for me and I was on cloud nine.

After that great weekend things started to go down hill again. Coming home late, never knowing when to expect him, him getting quiet and distant and being too tired. One night over dinner I asked him if he wouldn't mind calling to let me know what time he was coming home. He used to do this in the beginning - if he were going to be any later than 8 he would call. Don't get me wrong, I give him a lot of freedom and space to do what he wants. I don't get angry or upset when he spends time with his friends/family or even goes out for some alone time or plays golf, etc., as long as he still has some quality time left for me. Well he said he didn't like having to call and let me know when he'd be home because he felt too controlled. I told him that I only ask this of him so that I can be ready for him when he gets home - have dinner on, the house cleaned up, be looking pretty, etc. He didn't say much else other than agreed to, at least, call me in advance of bringing the kids over from now on, especially when unexpected visits arise.

Friday he picked up his kids and they got here at about 7:30. We had planned on spending Saturday night at my BF's brother's house to house sit. We'd talked about it all week & how it would be fun - change of pace and all. I told my son about it and he was excited too. I got the feeling though on Friday night that my BF didn't want my son and I to go. I thought maybe he just wants time alone with his kids and I could understand that, but I had this gut feeling it was more than that. I had this bad feeling that if I allowed him to go alone it would be the end of us or at minimum my BF would move out. I started getting pretty touchy Friday night as he talked about his plans to go to his brother's the next day. I was supposed to meet him there after my son got home. Kind of out of the blue on Friday night he picked a fight or tense discussion. My ex husband has been coming here to watch our son before and after work lately and he took something of mine last time he was here. I was complaining to my BF about it and he got really agitated and said, "I think your relationship with your ex husband is much too close and that you allow your son to control your life and tell you what to do. I don't like how you are so dependent on your husband and you let your son talk you into things. The closer you get to and work with your ex husband the further it draws me away." I understood and told him the ex would never be allowed in the house again w/o me there. I also told him I did need my ex to help in watching my son though because I have no one else to help and can't afford child care. I told him as far as my son goes yes sometimes I am too lenient but so is he. The conversation went on with me trying to justify and defend and him rejecting it until he finally said, "I think I need to get my own place." There it was again and I got a knot in the pit of my stomach.

So, I went to the bathroom to cry. My BF knew I was upset and crying. As I walked out of the room I said, "Great, I guess I ought to be used to my ex messing things up for me by now!" When I came out of the bathroom I expected him to be waiting but he was sound asleep on the sofa. I woke him & asked if he wanted to sleep there and he said yes. I slept alone that night. Saturday morning was tense. We didn't really talk to each other & by this time I was kind of angry with my BF. He waited until right befor he had to leave for his brother's to ask if I wanted to talk now or on Sunday. I told him I didn't know which wasn't true. I wanted to talk NOW and end the fight & go with him but we really couldn't with the kids around interrupting us every few mintues. He asked me if I still wanted to see/be with him and I told him I didn't know. I explained that I wasn't sure that I would be happy in the relationship only seeing him rarely and not living together any more. He agreed that it did sound pretty one sided. He did kiss me good bye and asked me to come to his brother's house later on. He said he'd call and he did at 4 that afternoon. I didn't return his phone call until 9 pm. I was angry, hurt, and needed some time to think. I also thought it better to go and talk w/him after the kids were in bed. At first he said come over and then he called me right back and said he was going to bed soon so I probably shouldn't bother coming over at all. That was it - I flipped. I said a whole bunch of things I didn't really totally mean and went hysterical crying, flipping out, half yelling about how he didn't give a damn about me, was selfish and inconsiderate and how bad he made me feel. His response was to be cold, distant and "I don't know what to tell you." He did tell me that I was wrong when I said he didn't care/love me, etc, though. He said I could come over still but never really ASKED me to come over, I told him I felt like an idiot now. The conversation went on for nearly two hours. He said he needed to get the kids to bed but kept talking and it was so quiet in the background I thought the were asleep. I said something to him that set him off - don't remember what - and all of the sudden he screamed at me at the top of his lungs, "YOU ARE RUINING MY TIME WITH MY KIDS THAT I BARELY GET TO SEE! THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER!!!" Then he hung up on me. He's never raised his voice to me at all and no one has ever yelled at me that loud before. I was hurt, angry, upset, you name it. I called him back and he wouldn't asnwer his phone and shut it off. I left him a real angry message and then one that begged him to just call me saying I was sorry. I admit I was a mess that night. He never called. He was supposed to be home on Sudnay but never came home. I sent him a text on Sunday apologizing and saying I didn't mean what I said and that I was so sorry. I asked him if he could forgive me 'someday' and signed it 'take care" I also said that I wouldn't bother him anymore. Again he never called so on Monday I called him. I had an excuse...I thought my son had chicken pox and wanted to alert him on account of the kids. We talked for about a half hour. I kept it together and stayed calm. I kept the conversation light as I could but I'm sure he recognized that I was faking it. He was pretty cold. When he asnwered the phone he sounded annoyed that I called. Near the end of the conversation he said he'd be by on Sunday to pick up his things. I said I'd hoped that you might want to talk and he said he did want to talk but that was it. He said someone else was calling so he had to get off the phone. I haven'at heard from him since and that was Monday and now it's Thursday. Been 5 days since I've seen him and 3 since I talked to him. I'm going out of my mind with heartbreak here. I don't know what to do. I want him back so badly even if we don't live together at this point. I love him to pieces! What should I do to get him back? I've not contacted him thinking that giving him some time to think and miss me is best but I'm getting so anxious.

So what do you all think - is it over? I sure hope not but want to be prepared if he comes here on Sat. gets his things and totally breaks it off. Does he just need space and time to think? Isn't so much time a little bit too much to leave someone you supposedly love hanging and in heartbreak and misery? Should I call him or wait for him to come to me? HELP.