When is it too much?
So here is my story: DH and I got married when SD was 4. I was 21. We have her 50/50. I did my best playing the role of the mom on our days. I'm talking playing, feeding, washing, babysitting when DH was gone,sport events, homework,bringing to the doctors, you name it. She is a good kid in general, when she goes to BM, SD is a totally different kid. Acts out, rude, no manners, no one does homework with her, etc. BM has no control over her. With me she is good. She would upset or irritate me here and there, but I could always handle it. Lately she really gets on my nerves, I feel like no matter what I do for this kid there is no progress at all. Everytime when she gets back from her BM we start everything over again. As simple as making her to say pleases and thank yous. It's an ongoing battle that I can't win. I spend more time with her than my husband! All he does is play or watch movie with her, and I deal with the most important stuff. Ex: commune with her teacher. Lately she is not doing good in school. We all talked to her many time. We even got BM on board. SD is 9 right now. I am just so sick of putting all thin energy and getting no results. It got to the point that I resent her now. Everything she does just irritates me. I can't stand her anymore. And I don't know how to stop feeling this way. Should I disengage a little? My DH feels it but says nothing, cause he said he didn't want to choose sides. But really he distant himself from me, he barely talks to me now 
this whole situation starts affecting my marriage I am really miserable with this feeling of hatred towards SD. I wish I would not feel this way! I feel bad, cause she is not a bad kid and I catch myself taking out my anger on her by being very strict and distant. I just can't control it. Please advise me something! I was thinking about counselor but I don't have health insurance. So here I am feeling very lonely in my situation and asking for help!
I'm so sorry to hear that you
I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this... I think the best thing to do is seek counseling for sure. I would encourage you to do so by yourself, in addition to couples(you and your dh) and family counseling (you, your dh and sd).
If that fails and neither your dh or skid wake up, do your best to disengage. That's really the only recourse many SP's have...
I am sorry you are going
I am sorry you are going through this as well. I have the same feelings about my ss. I wish i could offer advice, nothing has helped my situation. Sometimes the chemistry between people just does not quite go the way we would like it to. I use to feel so ashamed thinking, I am the adult, it is my responsibility to make this work. But that's not how it works. Some kids are just too much, and without that biological attachment, it can make it harder.
My partner and I go through our ups and downs with this kid. She doesn't want to be in the middle either. I have learned that talking to her while I am not upset about SS is easier. Try using a mediator
I think you should step back
I think you should step back and force your dh to step up. This is his child-he should be doing all of these things and you should be relaxing and occassinally watching a movie with her or doing something fun with her. The two of you have completely reversed roles.
i agree that you should step
i agree that you should step back. i too was being the disciplinarian and all that but then i got pregnant and my blood pressure could not handle it so i would go in the room and lock it when skids were over and i was honest and told him i can't do it. he was taking advantage of the situation because he was the fun dad and i was the grouch but now that he sees that his angels are disrespectful and a pain 99.9% of the time he has changed and taken more responsibility. i mean i wanted the kids to be a certain way that at first he did not understand. he felt that there did not need to be a routine and etc but when he seen the difference in having one and not having one he steped up so i hope yours does the same. you mean well u really do but u need to give him some of that responsiblity no matter the situation.
Thank you everybody for your
Thank you everybody for your compassion. I actualy asked DH to start doing homework with SD so I will not be with her 24/7. We'll see how it'll go. I also think that I should stop being such a perfectionist and let it go, SD will never be what I would like her to be because she is not my child. Thanks again. This website is a lifesaver.
That is a good thing to
That is a good thing to realize. I used to think I could "mold" my ss to my morals and values because I was his primary paret an bad been since age 2-it just didnt work. Sometimes biology really does matter. He was raised here along side my kids, but he is so incredibly different from them.