Wow...newbie here and wished I had found you before now!
I am a bm and a sm. I have been in this relationship for 11 years, married for a few. I am pretty much at the end of the rope and will be moving out by the end of the summer. DH knows but he doesn't really think I have it in me to do it. He just does not realize how tired of it all I am.
With so much to say and vent, a little background. I have 7 bio children and 4 sd. DH has had custody for all these years. BM in and out, she is the friend and of course, what teen doesn't like having a 'friend' for a parent. I could regurgitate the thousands of wrongs I perceive as a parent but you know I came to the conclusion about 4 years ago to disengage and let those two people raise their children as they see fit. Its not like I will ever receive a thank you or anything. DH is clueless in the kid department. He either ignores or deny's what is right there in front of him. I am not that way. Right now there are only a few children left in the house and I am faced with the fact I no longer even want to be with dh. Too many bridges burned and tired of being the bad guy. No matter what I end up being the bad guy and I am not even involved. BM thinks that I should always be loving and supportive of her little princess's yet they are able to treat me as they see fit. And that is usually not good. I have done everything in my power to be a nice person.
In the end, dh doesn't want to step on bm toes because he doesn't want to fight with her. Well, honestly they have been divorced 17 years and STILL fight about the divorce. BM from the moment I came into the picture 7 years AFTER their divorce has painted the picture that I was the OW and the reason they divorced. Ummm...ok. So since day 1 the girls have believed that I was the reason for the breakup. I always hoped that someday common sense would prevail and they would realize I didn't even know their parents on divorce day but sadly no. My dh has no problem whatsoever yakking about my children's biodad who has not missed a support payment and really does try to support my parenting decisions. Mainly because he doesn't want to make those decisions! He will back any decision I make with the kids re: punishments, school issues etc. My children are far from perfect, but you know they are kind respectful people who have always been kind to their sf and sm because I have made it clear fromthe beginning they should and will be. My dh and his ex...well in between their fighting about what caused their divorce have spent years allowing their dd's to be manipulative. One dd is married wiith a child yet has had 30 jobs and calls her dad for cigarette money. She can't hold a job because of some slight or another, boss doesn't like her, co workers talking about her or wanting her dh...not because she is a lazy bum and dad will foot the bill.
I have finally come to the end, and trying to get thru the next few months. I recently took ysd to get her sr pictures done. Mom and dad weren't interestedi n doing it so I wanted her to have the same experience as her friends. Big mistake forking over cash for that. Not only did I have to tell her to say thank you to the photographer, but she did not even thank me. She has not looked at the pictures. I asked this am if she had a chance to look thru and pick what she wanted and she informed me no, she hadn't and wouldn't be doing it soon. I was pretty hurt. So, I came to the conclusion I won't be doing her grad announcements, her parents can get themselves to gether and get it done. If she is hoping her father will do it she is in for a long wait. Her mom will play the I have no money game because she is at the casino 5 days a week. They are on their own. While I feel bad, I feel pretty used and abused by all of them. I realized dh has no problem saying what he needs to about my kids but he holds the princess's on a pedastal and I am sick of doing the same for grown people. I did what I promised, I saw the youngest to grad but everything else is over.
Thanks for letting me vent..its nice to know I am not the only crazy person in the world!
Outahere!
Thanks for the response.
Thanks for the response. Yes, all that is left on 2 bio's and 1 sd. I always wanted to at least stay until she graduated. I did leave for a bit last November but really it was not thought out enough to stay away. But, now, I have my ducks in a row and when I leave, financially I will be in a better place.
Most of the time I just plain resentful. There will be no getting sd out of the house trust me. I wish i had listened to the voice in my head about the differences in parenting. My children all went to school and basically moved out. They always have heard me say spread your wings little birdie! I have been a mom since 20 I couldn't wait as they turned teens to have my own little part of the world! Dh and I are at the point where we are fighting constantly. And its always about the kid. From the very beginning I have tried not to 'parent' since that obviously what bm wanted. She was in the picture when she wanted to be. Usually when after the kids said something totally untrue and she ran with it. If I could tell you how many times I have been accused of things that were totally false. The kids totally manipulate things to their satisfaction. If they don't liike something I say or do they call mom and make up some Cinderella story etc. Then dh reams me a new one without even asking if its true. They enjoy their dad being on their side even if its false security. They like him reminding me that this is HIS house and his money etc. They don't even realize he is lying...my name is on everything so its mine too. But it just validates their point that I am nothing and he is everything, the HERO. The 30 yo I have nothing to do with because she is such a liar I came to the conclusion I have no way to defend myself. I need to protect my bio's and keep her as far from me as possible. I do not speak to her or say anything. The bm pretty much has made everyone believe I have made dh NOT see his kid or grandkids. Totally false, he knows his relationship with them is his. I won't fork out money, I don't sugarcoat it for her she is 30. He can do that. And the mom. The same mom and dad will tell you she wouldn't know the truth if it introduced itself, but don't you know she only lies about them, never anyone..then she is honest as Abe.
I don't really love him anymore. I have 2 jobs just to stay away from home. I can't even stand to hear his voice. Because ultimately, I blame him...and only him. He was the person who was supposed to stand up and let them know their behavior towards me is disrespectful and unkind. He is the person who is supposed to be their parent. He LIKES being the hero. If I pay for something with my money he takes the credit so he can be the good guy. Never once has he said he didn't have anything to do with it I did it. These people are going to have a rude awakening. Come Christmas there won't be gifts cuz he hasn't bought one in 10 years, there won't be that 100 bucks for just because your doing a good job in college, there won't be that sweater I thought you would like...nothing. Hope they enjoy it! But I bet what happens is he will never call them. He will give them what they want when they call him and life will be good because they will be out of his hair.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a person who has never seen me for the person I am. Just a person who has helped with daycare and stuff cuz he didn't want to be alone.
outahere!
They really honestly do not
They really honestly do not have a clue what it is going to be like. But then again, I am sure they can just call and get the cash and he can go back to whatever he is doing with little effort on his part.
I am ashamed sometimes because I know that I wasn't perfect. There were times when I should have just been disengaged from the beginning. But, eventually it happened so I could save myself. I always believe in treating others fairly and you will be treated fairly. This only applies to certain people evidently. My dh really and truly blames me for their failure. After reading thru some of this site I see so much of my life. I do think that some things are true for my situation, it is always easier to blame someone. He doesn't want to fight with her, he doesn't want to blame her/himself etc. Recently a conversation was brought up that made me realize he will always be the victim..no matter what. After living with him I am pretty sure he was equally to blame for a lot of things. He just would rather not see it that way. Whenever she calls his cellphone I can hear her voice 10 feet away she is so loud and obnoxious. Its always about money with these people. She didn't do a darn thing all these years and now she calls for cash/advice etc. I am just totally weirded out by the whole situation it gives me the creeps and I AM STILL LIVING HERE! HELLO!
I am so looking forward to getting out. Some of the best things I ever did in hindsight, never let go of my personal accounts, just gave a split the bill money into a joint acct., got a few cc in my name only and my name is nowhere on his cards, not a joint account in the house. I am on the deed to the house but not the mortgage. Car is in his name but my old car is in mine alone. People used to say I just didn't want to commit but you know I really think I knew this day would come.
outahere
Thanks for your kind words.
Thanks for your kind words. It really has been a long time in coming. All these years I thought I was alone. I felt bad for how I felt about the skids. It seems like everyday there is drama and more drama. Everyday I would go to work and sometimes not know what I would find when I got home. DH is defensive and unkind at best most days anymore. I sometimes wondered if it was because the skids aren't doing really well. He always is looking to blame me as the reason, when honestly it is the 2 of them. Those kids didn't have a chance. No matter how you look at it. There is just so many crazy moments that I sometimes wondered if this was REALLY my life and REALLY something I chose to do. My bkids are not perfect by any stretch. Typical kids, but the ones gone from home are gainfully employed, college graduates. Their dad and I went through teen angst with them for sure, there were moments. But as my ex recently said to ds, I am his mother, he will respect my rules and if he does not he can live with him. That was enough for ds. He knows dad is way harder than mom. They do not get away in either house with disrespecting new spouses, EVER. Which sometimes pisses me off more because they have a set of rules/morals and I have to live with another.
I used to give excuses, they had to be loyal to bm because she is her very own special piece of work. She made their life miserable if for a moment she thought they loved someone more than her. I knew what I was dealing with early on with her. Dh and I were living together and she called and asked him to get together for drinks and discuss their future. I should have had red flags in my head when dh told me of the conversation. I simply asked why the hell he would even tell me such stupid crap. If he wanted to go back and put his family together its not my story. I had no problems with that happening if it was. That was the last I heard of their conversations. I think my worst issue is the blaming myself for being so stupid. I very respected in my workplace, reputation for being trustworthy and straightforward. Yet here I am..11 years later. Its all good when sd is giving MY name to the police at 16 so she 'thinks' they won't find out she was and she was not even made to apologize, I had to suck it up. Where was bm and bd when she was sneaking out or leaving the house for days on end? Nowhere and one of them lived in this house. It was me up all night riding the roads loooking for her because I was scared that the type of people she was hanging with would leave her overdosed body in a ditch instead of seeking medical help. Dh just said he didn't have the time or gas money to look for her and she would eventually show up. It was 2 years of horrible. She would go to mom's and she would be able to get drunk with mom and then come here to rules and it never ended. I am too hard on her, I give her too many rules, I am trying to control her. That day I said fine and never engaged again. Osd did not want grandsd here because she was afraid my bsons would molest her. Right. So, that ended that. Now I protect my kids and me. Period. If their idiot parents think this is normal behavior their remaining years should be wonderful.
Thanks again! I have so much pent up pissed off feelings its nice to just say it and not feel like I am the WORST person in the world. Had any of my bio kids done these things I would have tore them a new one. When biod was giving me a hard time at 17 she found out real quick the lengths I would go to to get her thru graduation. It wasn't perfect but she graduated. I just think sometimes, the his/mine thing has gone so far there never really was a family. No matter how many good memories I have of them as smaller children. No matter what it was like a facade and I am the stupid one.
outahere