I'm going to tell you as simply and straightforward as I can, my dear:

This path is NOT for you. Period.

My advice is if you love him, continue to be with him, but don't say "I do." What you've experienced up to this point is the very best it will ever, ever get. If you're already having second-thoughts, feeling "stuck" and generally not happy with the situation, now is the time to bail.

"I guess my main issue is that we will forever be paying for kids that aren't "ours". "
Yes. Yes, you will.

"Will we be able to have a family of our own because we will be paying this snatch a hefty CSP payment plus insurance and what not for the rest of my- our young adult lives?"
If you have to ask, there is a good chance you will not. At least not as comfortably as you might prefer. I'm just saying...

"Is she entitled to my hard earnings?"
Not sure what the laws are in your area, but even if she can't garnish your wages, so to speak, you'll still be paying because what he can't cover as a result of paying CP will fall in YOUR lap.

"We are starting a business together- what does she get? I'm waiting for the "good news" on that one..."
Not sure what you mean by this one. Bottomline? She can file for an adjustment on the CP order if she catches wind of him earning more money, sees that you guys moved to a nicer place, bought a nicer car, etc... Hell hath no fury like a greedy BM...

"What type of surprises should I be prepared for?"
Now, if we told you that would take all the fun out if it! But here is a hint: It starts with "h", ends in "l" and has an "el" in the middle.

"I am going to speak with an attorney to clarify- Any specific questions I should ask that you wish you would have?"
Depending on what you have going, a prenup could be a good idea. Be sure you are his beneficiary for everything.

"How do I deal with the fact that everything I have waited for and worked so hard for- and want to have with my partner he has ALREADY done- with someone that thoroughly disgusts me to my core?"
You get over it or you, of course, don't. You don't have to settle for less than what you feel you deserve. I know many of us on this board wish we could turn back time and re-evaluate (read: RUN!).

"I feel like such a weak individual."
Grow a pair and fast. You'll need them when BM is busting your FDH's.

"It's not the kids that I don't want to support- it's her! she isn't saving a penny for their futures. I'll be damned if we are going to pay for college and everything else. What happens when they turn out like her?"
Guess what: There is a very good chance they will be her clones. Or they might end up just as you'd hope for them to be. But you will never know that in advance. So you sacrifice and you roll the dice.

"I know how I am. These things keep popping up into my head and aren't going away. I have to deal with them head on and don't know how. I have been reading books, talking to friends... all of which are single young women- just like I was. I need some ppl with experience and advise."
You've come to the right place.

"I don't like this feeling of having no control."
The SP-ing is NOT for you.

"I know relationships aren't perfect- but ours is! except for me and how I feel about this- it's the one thing I can't get over. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with it."
No such thing as a perfect relationship, as evidenced by your post. We just have to find what works for us and pray we grow with and not out of the relationship...

"And now, I feel stuck."
Not a good sign.

I am just ending a relationship with a man who has THREE daughters (and I left because of his lack of parenting and daughters.) My only advice would be PLEASE make sure you guys are on the same path when it comes to raising children. Like what you BOTH find acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Don't get me wrong, I know children are mouthy and do things to test us (after all, I was a teen myself. Been there - done that.) But saying "F YOU" or "GO TO HELL" or "I HOPE YOU DIE" is just unacceptable. exSO thought itw as unacceptable as well BUT....he just swept it under the rung. I was okay for his girls to say "SHUT UP." There isn't much of a hope if he doesn't follow through and parent (and that means consequences for bad behavior.) TRUST ME!!!! I have my own bio children and they are not perfect, but I can tell you they would NEVER say F YOU to me. Because they wouldn't have any teeth left in their mouth. Make sure you are on the SAME PAGE and AGREE on parenting. And make sure he follows through when the going gets tough.

Talking to a attorney is the best thing to do. It really depends on what State you live in as to what she is entitled too. Where I live the ex is not entitled to any of my money. Keep in mind that she can freeze accounts for non-payment. So if you are going to get a "pay check" then you may want to have a separate bank account. That way you can protect your money.

Good Luck!

I sympathize with you. One thing I want to stress to you is that if the CS is your main concern right from the get-go, you are signing up for misery. (I signed up for the CS misery because it came attached to my soulmate. Just make sure you understand what your are volunteering for!)

Please know that BM *WILL* have the right to stick her grimy hand right into your bank account and yank money out until his kids are 18. Your finances will never be your own as she can jack you around as your husbands income fluctuates and her income fluctuates.

Also, as a type A personality, the misery of knowing that THREE people (kids and BM) can impact your life any which way and there's NOTHING you can do... well that says it all.

Good luck you! I knew all this in theory going into it, but it doesn't compare the reality of it. The unfairness of CS and the anger it will raise in a rational person is breathtaking.

It's very difficult to feel that you are not in control of your life. As a stepmom, I think that comes standard. The ex, and the skids will have an impact on your emotional as well as financial life. Each state is very different in its divorce/support laws, so it's a great idea to consult an attorney, ESPECIALLY before exposing YOUR money and income to the Ex. May I also suggest that YOU read the divorce decree? There may be references to who pays college expenses, etc. and even if your SO tells you what it says, that doesn't mean it's what it says. I think I know what the DD says way better than DH! Also, as a Type A, having more info about responsiblities and obligations may make you feel more comfortable.

I'm a big fan of keeping separate finances, at the very least "his, mine, and ours" accounts. No one can really prepare you for the future, each step situation is unique. BUT, if you are feeling stuck before saying I Do, it may mean you should wait. As for feeling like all your SO's firsts have been with someone else, well, everything will be his first time with YOU, and you will both need to work to ensure it is special.

Good luck!!

On financial matters. . .depends where you live. If you live in the U.S. and are in the states of NY, MA and CA, you're screwed. These are militantly pro BM states and she can get CS up to age 23 or even longer if the children are determined to be "special needs." (Special needs meaning that they are unable to do a high wire act or work on a trapeze; you get the picture)

Many cash strapped states are gravitating toward:

1. Counting the NCP SM's salary into CS calcs
2. NOT counting CP BM's new hubby's salary

Why? B/c the higher the CS is, the more the cash strapped states get matching fed dollars for said CS collected.

This is one reason why I would NEVER marry a man with a "previously enjoyed family" especially not one with children who are younger than 25 (my current situation now)

If the BM is vindictive (about 90% are), watch out. She will turn the children against your fiance AND YOU. Which usually causes biodad to start spoiling his children to "counteract" this ("see daddy isn't so bad like mommy says; do you want to go to the mall again?").

Then you will be blamed for the chasm in the relationship between child and father (even though it was the BM's fault to begin with)

Do you know how he currently acts around his child(ren)?

Here are some warning signs:

1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)

2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?

3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habis, eating habits, bedtime habits?

4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)

5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?

6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?

7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern

8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?

9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?

10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?

11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.

You sound like a very intelligent and career oriented woman. I would think LOOOOOOOONG and HARD before getting into this type of relationship.

If you don't want kids, you shouldn't marry this man. I know it's his child, and not yours, but you will be a step-mom and you will have to deal with having a kid in your life for a long time. If you already know you don't want that, you shouldn't do this to yourself or to him.

Talk to the attorney. I was very independent when I met my husband so I understand the need to know all the possible problems that will come up. I recommend a strong pre-nup and separate finances. It works well for us. The issue that came up for us was that she had recently taken us back to court for a CO modification and because we filed our taxes jointly last year, she was entitled to a copy. I had no idea that she would see my income. Now, this year we filed jointly, since we have settled everything, but going forward since I have my own company the plan is to file separately if I have a really good year. She should not be able to see my income. It apparently can't be considered for CS, but she still has a right to see the level of income that the household has.

Main thing and I can not stress it enough is the pre-nup and separate finances so you don't feel resentment over the money he spends on his kids and you on yourself.

Since you move around alot for your job, what type of visitation does your FDH have with his kids? I guess the ONLY light at the end of the tunnel I can see here is that if you only see the skids a few weeks out of the year because of geography.

But the thing with skids is that geography changes, custody changes, people change and it all causes a ripple effect. Are you going to be OK with the prospect of having full custody of kids if let's just say, BM goes bonkers or dies? Are you going to be OK, if BM spouts off and starts oposing to your frequent relocating and your FSD entertains her "for the sake of the kids"

I think one of the things that I resent the most about having skids is that they are like a ball and chain to me. They have me anchored in a place that I don't want to be. I want to move so badly, but my DH won't leave his kids (which is commendable) until they are 18, so I have to wait another 6 years before moving is even an option and how is this fair to our BS1 who will then have already started school, made friends etc.?

I guess that's the bottom line, just know that it will be YOU that will be making most of the sacrifices in your relationship, it will be YOU who will have the least amount of say in your relationship, it will be YOU who will go to bed and cry at night out of frustration for all of things that YOU can not control.

I guess only YOU can decide if this is what you want.

I am you girlfriend. I am you. Thankfully we have begun to work things out.
First ask these questions of your DF especially the one about children of your own. I wanted children of my own and DF agreed to have more with me. That was a BIG deal for me. Be specific about the amount. If you will resent only being able to have ONE of your own then dont marry him. Gauge him and make sure he is trully willing to have a fmaily with you and not think that his kids are all you need.

Murphy, it sounds like you and I are very similar. And this is why I haven't married my BF and might not ever. I just find that I feel better knowing that if things got really bad that I could easily get out, but I have been married before to a man without kids and felt the way you do now. I think it is just our personalities and maybe we just aren't marriage people. Not saying that is how you are obviously I don't know you but just by our similar characteristics.

You can talk to an attorney but the bottom line is how you're feeling. From your post, it's not promising that your marriage will last.

All the little indignities, snubs, seeing every single penny spent, the manipulation...I could go on and on. I agree with some of the other gals..."hatred/anger/resentment will only get much, MUCH worse".

Good luck.