New to this
Hello everyone,
I am new to this and am looking for a place of support. I am newly married to my husband who has a daughter from a previous marriage. She lives out of state with her BM and visits every couple of months. It is a different kind of relationship. BM trapped him because BM didn't want to have to move back home after college to live with her parents as was expected. They were only dating 3 months when she conceived. He married her and then she decided that she did want to move back home with her parents after 2 years. I love my sd and have a great relationship with her, eventhough she is kept on quite the pedestal. I am having some trouble dealing with some creeping issues however....
When my husband and I met, he was having some financial difficulties due to a previous lay-off from a job. He was very upfront to me about this. With my assistance, we have gotten it all squared away. We have the understanding that I will take control of the checkbook as he does not manage money very well. It is working thus far. This past summer, he had to have surgery. He was put on short-term disability because of this, so he continued to get a pay check. His ex called and stated that she did not receive his cs. My husband is very good about paying his cs, mostly because it is directly taken out of his pay-check. Because he was receiving short-term disability, his cs hadn't been taken out. Once he learned about this, he was able to have it taken out, plus extra for his missed cs.
I make considerably more money than my husband (but am not rich by any means). It is just a fact. This past weekend, he received a letter from the CS people, stating that they were going to hold our state tax return because of his backpay in cs. I have a HUGE issue with this. First, because of him being on disability for a long period of time, I was the one who payed in the most. After reading the letter, it stated that we could request "spouses portion" of the tax return back. I told him that I thought we should do this. He didn't understand why and that it was "our" money. We do have a joint account, which I am ok with (mostly because I am in control of the finances). I do however have an issue with the fact that she is partially my financial responsibility? I take great care of her when we have her and have no problem paying for things then. We are currently trying to conceive, which is a possiblity of already being done. I am concerned about what is going to happen in the future. How can I pay for her college and my soon-to-be biological children. I love my husband and I know he loves me. I am starting to wonder if I made the right choice. I am scared, stressed and confused. He is very anxious to have a family with me. I feel as though I am a bad and evil person for feeling this way.
Please help me! I don't know what to do.
First off you are not an evil
First off you are not an evil person. I have asked the same question to myself a million times. Paying for college for your sd is not your responsibility. I too have recently wondered this and my sd has her sights on private high school. Both dh and myself are in agreement we cannot afford to send her to private school.
In the end I believe it is necessary for both parents to be on the same page. At this point in my life I do not plan and have not planned to put sd through college.
Hope this helps.
Sounds like your DH has
Sounds like your DH has unrealistic expectations of you financially. The "one big happy family" model.
And as a very wise poster who is long gone said. "Who will take care of YOU if you get sick or become an invalid?" Will it be your DH or skids? Pretty much ZERO chance when the shoe is on the other foot.
Usually in SM world there is a mantra that states "no good deed goes unpunished."
Get the book "Stepmonster" and read it cover to cover.
Not trying to be a Negative Nancy here, but it's not passing the smell test. He seems a bit too reliant on your financial resources to support his previously enjoyed family. No matter HOW much he tells you he was trapped into marrying her, etc. etc.
I say file your taxes
I say file your taxes separately. They can't take YOURS, only his. You can still file as being married but do it separately. That's what we are going to do.
I agree with Married Filing
I agree with Married Filing Separately. For Federal Taxes, you can file an Injured Spouse claim but I need to warn you that it WILL delay your refund.
I am no attorney for sure but
I am no attorney for sure but I don't see how they could do that. It's not your responsibility!!
I've been reading more and
I've been reading more and more where many states are starting to get at the SM's money via the back door. Instead of saying the SM is responsible, they look at the "household" income, and determine how much dad can afford to pay based on both incomes. In my case, as in the OP's, I make considerably more than my FDH. That's part of the reason he's my FDH, and not my DH. The courts are more concerned that the child(ren) have the resources they need, than in being fair to adults that choose to involve themselves with a person who has a "previously enjoyed family" (thanks Auteur!)
In even more frightening, news, there was a case in NY where a stepmom was held legally liable to pay CS to a BM when her ex-H passed away. Apparently, because she had acted "in loco parentis" during the marriage, and the child needed support, she was tapped and forced to pay :jawdrop: . I have one word for this...
FRIGHTENING!
In CA the courts can require
In CA the courts can require w-2 information from all parties in the household when determining CS (not just spouses; ANYONE)...that means I'm already at risk just be living with FDH. On the plus side for me, I know the BM in my case hid income the first time around, and her SO makes a ton more than I do so if she got a wild hair and tried to up CS by asking about my income, we could turn around and require all of HER household income be disclosed as well...
But that's just my situation. The more I read, the more I realize the only safe answer is to not date a man with kids from another marriage. It's just too dangerous to your sanity and pocketbook.
As to it being too
As to it being too late....ain't that the truth
As to being two steps ahead...I hope I can stay that way. I'm really glad I found this board, because things around here are starting to destabilize and I'm beginning to get really nervous. I could be in serious need of information and support very, very soon...
Wow, looks like I am reading
Wow, looks like I am reading a page out of my book. First of all, the courts cannot come after you for your DH cs payments. Because he was on disability, he should have gone back to court and get it modified stating that his income changed. If I were you, I would proceed with getting your portion of the refund back.
Next, and maybe a lot of people will not agree with this, but when I went to college, I got student loans and grants. That's how I paid for schooling. I REFUSE to pay my SD15 college tuition. Both my husband and I both got student loans and grants to pay for school, why can't that be the route your SD takes? That's exactly what I will stress to my SD15, get a loan. If your mother can't pay for it, don't look at us for paying it. GET A LOAN! I must admit that we learned how to better manage our finances because of these loans we have. Also, I am proud to say that I am inches away from paying off my whole college loan - and I graduated in 2001!
I agree!! I am NOT paying
I agree!! I am NOT paying for SD10's college or braces for that matter! I have told DH the amount he has to contribute to this family and anything extra he can pay for braces and college if he wants to. I too took out student loans! $32,000 worth that I still pay for.....She is no better than me!! She can pay hers back too!!
Exactly! Learn some
Exactly! Learn some responsibilities! My SD thinks she's getting a brand new PT Cruiser for her 16th birthday! HA HA HA! I have no idea where you think that car is coming from. She is not responsible at all, and I even refuse to put her on my insurance. Absolutely NOT! How can you get a brand new car and we are working and driving 2004 - DH car, and my car is a 2002! WTF? She better kick bricks!
I swear, she really has her nerves! Oh, and on top of all of that, she wants to go to school - out of state - GIRL PLEASE!
On braces and college
On braces and college tuition. . . it all depends on what your SO/DH/BF signed. If he signed his life away thinking that the BM would reciprocate by playing fair, he's DOOMED. Especially if you're in the US and live in NY, MA or CA. By default they put in there that biodad WILL pay 50% of the braces and 50% of the college tuition. In Godsgift's paperwork it says that CS will continue until the age of 21 or said child graduates from college. . .whichever comes LAST . He still is living in a parallel universe and thinks he'll get out of it when the time comes. HA!
I'd do everything separate ESPECIALLY if you live in the forementioned areas!! Coming to a neighbourhood near you. . .considering NCP biodad's SO's income in the CS calcs and mysteriously leaving out CP BM's new main squeezes income, no matter how astronomical. It's coming ladies and gents, believe you me!!!
No mention of college in the
No mention of college in the divorce decree....he does do half medical (hes been doing 100%),,,,,but I refuse to pay,,,I told him after he contributes a certain amount to the household that i don't care what he does with the rest,,,,better save his pennies!!! LOL