long intro and need advice please!
First, a little intro.
I am 24. I have a 2yr old SS who was conceived while my husband (then BF) and I took a 10 month "break". Basically, we still slept together but never did anything (other than sex) as a couple. We got back together just before we found out she was knocked up. We tried to talk her into an abortion, but she wasn't willing to listen to our reasons. She told my hubby she had no problems raising the child with or without his help. Fine. We decided at that point to make her life a living hell. I sent her messages on MS and FB asking if I could go with her as a friend to her prenatal appointments. She always said NO. Only DH was invited, I said HELL NO to that shit!
To move the story along, she was supposed to have a csection in late August but somehow made herself go into full blown labor while my hubby was working out of state in early August. She did let him know that SS would be born that day. He left after work that day and made it to the hospital by about midnight with my FIL. SS was in the Nicu because he had low sugar and some kinda breathing issue and only the people wearing a specific bracelet would be let in with one family member at a time.
I went with DH to the hospital the next day after SS was let out of Nicu and she wouldn't even let me into her hospital room to see the baby for even a minute! I walked through the door and she just yelled "No! I don't want you here!" I made DH leave with me because it was total BS!
I told DH I didn't want him to have anything to do with her anymore! We didn't believe the baby was his anyway cause they looked nothing alike!
The mom would text my DH and ask if he wanted to meet somewhere to see baby. He asked if I was welcome to join and the bitch said No! (She's good with that word!!!) But told him he could bring his dad, uncle, gma or whoever, just not me! Wtf?! So anyway, I told him he couldn't go and he didn't. They arranged a DNA test that my DH paid for behind my back. Turns out kid is ours. Great! She asked him like every week if he wanted to see the baby and I just made him ignore her stupid ass!
We tried to get her to give us the baby for a week at christmas and she refused claiming SS had no idea who he was and would be upset being with strangers! My ASS! He was just a baby, he wouldn't know any better!
By this time we had been trying to get pregnant for a year plus the time we tried for a baby before and even during our "break".
It just wasn't happening. We found out I only have a 30% chance of getting pregnant without help from other sources.. I told DH right then and there that I want custody of SS and I want that bitch's rights terminated! We finally got married right after that because I heard we didn't have a shot at custody without being married. And it would look better to a judge for a married couple to have the baby than a 2 babies/2 daddies WHORE!
We got a free lawyer and had her served with paperwork for custody. She got a lawyer to and responded to our papers. Our lawyer said she was being very reasonable in her response and we should agree. Basically we had a POS. Lawyer who didn't wanna fight for our rights!
We wound up getting supervised (by her! Ugh!!) Visits for a month and I was not allowed to be present, then 3 hour visits twice a week unsupervised, the a full Sat EOWE, then 36hrs EOW and we now finally have EOWE.
Mom has offered to let DH have SS on Thursday nights on his off week but I said NO because I have to work that night! What's the point?
The mom tries to be all friendly with my DH now saying its what's best for our son. Yeah right. Oh I fogot to mention she is now "engaged" and has a THIRD kid?!
Basically what I want to know is I can stop all commincation with her and my DH. I want them to go through me if they wanna talk to the other. They have no reason to talk about anything! I've tried calling texting emailing, she just won't answer me!!! She told DH she does not have to talk to me! Ummm yes she does! So, can I take her to court and get them to tell her to stop contacting my DH and only contact me??
I've caught my DH up at night (by reading his texts) chatting with her about general stuff! Not even about our son! I want it stopped! What do I do? I can give more info if requested! Thanks for tips and advice!
Trying so hard not to judge
Trying so hard not to judge you but this post makes it REALLY difficult.
1.This is NOT your baby.This is BMs baby and DHs baby.Not yours.
2.Why are you trying to terminate BMs rights?Is the baby neglected?Abused?Or is it because you can't have your own?
3.Why would you think BM would want you at her prenatal visits and WHY would you even want to go???
4.WHY do you think BM would want you anywhere near her after she just gave birth???
5.Why are you alienating your husband from this baby??
1. He is also mine. DH and I
1. He is also mine. DH and I are married now. We have the agreement by law that what is mine is his and what is his is mine. That includes 'his' kid!
2. I gave up on that thought after the lawyer told me it was not likely to happen. I wanted the kid to raise, not just when the court says I can
3. I just wanted to know what was going on during her pregnancy so I could keep DH informed.
4. I figured if I was going to be raising or at least helping raise a baby I had the right to bond with him as a mother would.
5. I'm absolutely NOT trying to do that! But at the same time, I ALSO don't want to be alienated from him!
kids are NOT property and a
kids are NOT property and a stupid marrriage license doesn't include CHILDREN for heaven's sake!All a marriage license covers is PROPERTY NOT DNA.
If I were BM,I'd keep you away from my kid as well.
This has to be a joke.It HAS to be.It's just too psycho to be a real SM saying these things.
Is this a joke? Are you
Is this a joke? Are you really that dumb to think you have any say-so in this woman's child's life? You are preventing the kids father from seeing him/her? And you really, really think your POS lawyer is a POS for telling you like it is?
If this is not a joke, you need to stay out and let this mother and father parent their child. She is not being unreasonable in the least. Who in their right mind would want 'the other woman' in the delivery room? Why should she talk to you or answer your texts and emails? Why do you keep harassing her?
I really hope to God that this is a joke, and some decent man has not wasted a marriage on you.
I'm sorry- I just don't
I'm sorry- I just don't understand what I have done that is so wrong. I don't want my hubby talking to this whore, that's all I was asking about! I trust my hubby completely but should I just sit back and let her try to get him in the sack when I'm not around? No. I've asked him to stop texting her at all hours of the night, and he does, but it just doesn't last long! I don't know what to do! I'm worried she will use SS to get him back saying he can't see him or whatever if he doesn't listen to her demands$ that is why they need to go thru me!
Unfortunately, honey, there
Unfortunately, honey, there is no court in the world that is going to say your H is off the hook just because you don't want your hubby talking to that whore.
If it was just his ex-sperm dumpster - then you could file harassment...all sorts of stuff. BUT they are parents to the SAME child. The court is not going to turn a blind eye to that just because the wife is afraid the baby mama will get him back in the sack.
And like another poster said, how would YOU feel about your H if he didn't want to have anything to do with this child? What if he HAD ended up with the other woman and YOU had ended up pregnant? What would YOU think about his wife saying he shouldn't have anything to do with YOUR child?????
He is probably texting all
He is probably texting all hours of the night because he can't do it when he thinks you'll be breathing down his neck about it.Sounds like he has battered husband syndrome and is terrified of pissing you off.
If you trust him then you trust him.Trust isn't conditional.He is a big boy and should be able to handle seeing his baby.I think you need therapy for the fact that you won't ever have children with him.That in itself is REALLY hard and has to be messing with your head knowing he has a baby with some other woman.I can sympathize with you on that one.BUT you are really making ridiculous demands that will ultimately cost your DH a relationship with what could be the only child he's ever going to have.
I know it's tough to be a controlling person and butt out of people's lives but you REALLY need to step away from BMs business.This is NOT your baby and will never be your baby.Like I said,a marriage license covers property...not children.So you can't say he's yours too just because you said "i do".You have no power or control when it comes to this baby.Keep up with what you're doing and BM might go to court and try to get full custody with NO visitation.
Asher you are on the money
Asher you are on the money with this one. She is the MOTHER, You are not. HE is the father....NO changing that fact. Do you really want a man who doesn't want to be a father to his child. NO you do not! Stop trying to interfere.
You are in way over your head. Step back and put some distance between you and this craziness. You might find you will feel different.
The only reason he had
The only reason he had supervised is because the mom put it in her response. Something like "Due to child not being familiar with father, mother requests supervised visits in her presence for at least 4 consecutive weeks"
So she got DH alone for 3hrs every week. Just like she wanted.
First thought reading this
First thought reading this post: someone must be making this up in order to create drama on the site.
Haha yay community! At least
Haha yay community! At least it shows that we're all in agreement that we're not for whack jobs.
Ah, Crazyland. It's really
Ah, Crazyland. It's really quite an elaborate story though. Think of all the time and effort spent to put it together. If only we could harness that energy and use it to run a little Crazyland theme park. Imagine the rides...
She lost me at she decided to
She lost me at she decided to give the BM hell when she wouldn't ge an abortion. That is disgusting. I can't even read this stupidity anymore.
I do have a job. I'm the one
I do have a job. I'm the one who pays her child support. $125 month for a child I'm not even allowed to call mine apparently.
No he quit his job in 2009
No he quit his job in 2009 before we took her to court because he was making a lot of money and didn't want her to get a lot of his paycheck
thought i was the only one.so
thought i was the only one.so nice to have common ground
welcome to stepparenting.$125
welcome to stepparenting.$125 a month???WOW really?That's a bargain.That would pay for about a week of childcare.
Why would you even think for a second that you could call this child yours??I almost feel sorry for you.I can't have children either but for some reason I cannot relate to your need to make this baby yours.You remind me of that movie The hands that rocks the cradle.
You can't have one so you come in and try to take over someone elses'.Next thing you know you'll be asking why it's unacceptable for you to try to breastfeed the baby.
I promise you all that I'm
I promise you all that I'm not making anything up! I'm not sure how I could go about proving it to anyone but I swear on my life everything I have said is true. I respect those of you who can deal with DH having children previously. I'd like to stick around and learn, if you will let me.
You're a lost case...go see a
You're a lost case...go see a therapist
Hope that helped!
These are most definitely not
These are most definitely not the responses I expected to get. But I can accept them.
Should I accept the fact that mom and dh want to be "friends" and just chat about their everyday lives?
were they friends before you
were they friends before you got married?were you aware they were friends prior to your marriage?
Yeah, they were friends for a
Yeah, they were friends for a year before our break and 2 months into our break they started dating. I just don't understand why they want to be friends NOW. They've slept together. I always thought you shouldn't be friends with anyone you've ever slept with.. Especially once you get married!
Maybe I am crazy. I don't know. Its hard having him on the wkends and having everyone compliment us on how cute "our" little boy is or asking when "we" had him, etc.. Where is the line drawn? Do I correct people assuming he is mine? Smile and say thanks? What? How is this normally handled?
yes it is very hard but you
yes it is very hard but you have to get it into your head that this baby isn't yours.On the street when people assume he's yours,you can either just smile and let it go or say 'oh thank you. this is my Dhs little boy."
I have to say you're lucky if they're friends because it's a lot harder when everyone is enemies and fighting.Being friends with BM is the lesser of two evils here.You don't want to be on the flip side where BM is the enemy because then your life will be real hell.
I already feel like my life
I already feel like my life IS hell! She won't even answer a simple text or email from me. I would LOVE to be on a "friendly" level with her (maybe for my own peace of mind) but she just won't have it. She says I overstep my boundaries, and after reading everything here, I guess I have.
I'd like to ask everyone, if you were in my shoes, how would you handle it?
Do I stop paying his support? Will he lose visitation if its not paid at all? The only bad about not paying support is he/we won't be able to claim him for 2011 taxes if he's not current.
Should I try one last time to reach out to the mom? Let her know that I now realize I have overstepped my bounds and would like to make ammends? Or just let it go?
I now know, after speaking with you fellow steps that I do need some outside help dealing with the situation.
I agree with Kris'
I agree with Kris' suggestions.absolutely.
I think the first thing is to put the pressure on your DH to get a JOB.then he can pay to support this baby.I think that will ease a LOT of your tension about the kid not being yours.
As far as the other stuff with BM is concerned,I would leave her alone for a while.just step back and then slowly ease into it with her.You're probably never going to be 'friendly'friends with her and that isn't necessarily your fault.She may just want nothing to do with you because it's easier for her to pretend you don't exist.That's HER problem.not yours.Trust your husband if you TRULY trust him and let the rest go.Don't be a doormat but you've got to stop trying to control everyone in the situation the way you've been doing.All that does is push your husband away from you and you don't want that.
(((((hugs)))))It seems like you really are looking for a better way to do things and I'm sorry i have been harsh with you.From one childless sm to another I really hope you can make peace with this situation and what you've been dealt.
Thanks for your advice. SS is
Thanks for your advice. SS is about 2.5 now and isn't on formula, and diapers are becoming less and less as well. But I DO understand regular living expenses, so I will admit she does deserve the 125 and probably more. When they went to court in May 2009 he got a judgement against him for 1250 for 10months of previous support for the time kiddo was born til the court date. He is supposed to pay 25 a month towards the judgement and 100 for regular monthly support. The mom doesn't work out of the home so she doesn't have to pay for daycare either. But like I said, I do understand that kids cost money.
Mom said she would give dad everyother year on taxes if he agreed to sole phys/legal custody to her with the visitation I talked about previously. He took her up on that. We claimed him for 09 taxes and are now paying back 2500 because we didn't know we couldn't take earned income credit for him since he didn't live with us. We thought taxes were taxes, all credits, etc... We learned our lesson.
I'm sorry, but you say you
I'm sorry, but you say you trust your H and the simple fact of the matter is that you don't... and why should you? He was sleeping with you and BM at the same time during your "break". So deep in the wrinkles of your brain you have that niggling that it could happen again which is why you want him to have zero contact with her. It's understandable, but unacceptable given that there is a child in the mix.
Also listen to what you yourself said in your OP... you got married so that it would look better for you to get custody of SS (not because you love each other unconditionally, are soulmates, etc) sorry, but I don't see how this "marraige" can last.
Wooow this is bad. The child
Wooow this is bad. The child is not by any means yours. If he wants to talk to his bm that is something he is going to do with you or without you regardless. They have a child and they will be communicating together for practically the rest of their lives. If you are not comfortable with that then you might want to leave because that is not going to change. I also dont understand why in the world you would think a court appointed official would allow two grown adults to be forced to communicate through you??? why would you think that. I wish you the best of luck but girl you are causing yourself so much stress and the situation is not at all that serious. If you dont trust him and I can tell you dont because you check his texts and you dont want him to be alone with her because she will magically make him get in the sack with her but if you dont trust him the only one that will hurt in this situation is you.
Agreed Agreed Agreed.... this
Agreed Agreed Agreed.... this is a freeking train wreck. I feel bad for the SS.
I understand that. I have
I understand that. I have seriously screwed a lot of stuff up. I would like to do the right thing now with regards to SS and his mom. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to go about doing so.
I have to cook for him, clean after him, change his diapers, give him his bath, do his laundry and I don't even get to say I did it for "my" son. I do it for my husbands kid. Its a tough pill to swallow!
You don't "HAVE TO" do
You don't "HAVE TO" do anything you don't want to .... not your kid.
If I don't do it, it won't
If I don't do it, it won't get done. Then what? Mom takes him to doctor with bad diaper rash, or being filthy, or starving, and then takes DH to court and he loses his visits? I can't let that happen
Unable? No. Unwilling? Yes.
Unable? No. Unwilling? Yes. He feels its the mom's "job" to care for him in those ways. I'm the woman in the house so it falls on me to do it.
Dump this piece of sh** - he
Dump this piece of sh** - he quit his job so he does not have to pay child support - you work to pay for CS - and then you do everything around the house - me thinks I smell a bullshit story - I have to be honest you sound like a 13 year old girl coming on here with your stories - unless you are living in the dark ages there are so many holes in your story it is like swiss cheese - see being a 13 year old girl you would not understand that children are not objects and just because you do things for them you cannot claim them like a winning lottery ticket - that you keep bringing up that you can't claim your SS as your own to me sorry sounds like I am dealing with a 13 or 14 year old - 15 tops - if you came on here to try to get a bunch of SM's to sympathize with you about this horrible BM - not going to work on this site - we are a little more intelligent than that - in fact you sound like another poster that used to be here that claimed she ripped up the BM's picture that her SD had hidden in her dresser - are you by chance her or a friend?!?!!?
This cannot possibly be real.
:jawdrop: This cannot possibly be real. I am holding out hope that this is just a post designed to cause drama.
Please tell me this is a joke?!?
I've been on this site for 2 years and very few posts actually cause my jaw to drop as this one did...
There have been several over
There have been several over the past few days. Today it's really coming out of the woodwork. Is Craigslist down or something? Spring break somewhere?
I think she is that poster
I think she is that poster who ripped up her SD's picture of her BM - you know the one who was so far out there and then came clean and claimed she was 14 and then went back to that she was a SM - her story is put out there like a 13 or 14 year old would right - things are not adding up!!!
How have you been Lori???
oh yes, I remember that one!!
oh yes, I remember that one!! You're right I think there is one troll who keeps coming back making up all these crazy stories. I can't quite figure out the point though? Maybe to show all us stepmom's how awful we are to their kids, who knows...
I'm doing good CG, thanks for asking! Morning sickness is kicking my butt though!!
Oh steplori that sucks - when
Oh steplori that sucks - when I was pregnant I got so sick that in 1 week I lost 5 pounds so my doctor put me on Zofran - I was so sick and working full time that I did not think I could continue the pregnancy unless it stopped it was that bad - 30 seconds after taking my 1st Zofran tablet I was hungry immediately and I actually ate liver that night for dinner - sorry if that gets your sick but I love liver!!! lol It is not harmful to the baby and will help stop the morning sickness - I only had to take 5 of them and never was sick again during the pregnancy - ask you ob-gyn and see what he says - it is very expensive medication (we have awesome insurance) but well worth every penny - good luck sweetie!!
Thanks for the tip about the
Thanks for the tip about the Zofran. I've thinking about asking my OB for something so it's good to know it works!
Liver? Really?? :sick:
Is there some way I can prove
Is there some way I can prove to you that this is a real situation? I'm embarassed now to admit it, but I promise.
I want to learn here from other SMs. I probably won't get the chance now because you all think I'm a troll
Like another poster said,
Like another poster said, read some blogs by members of the site who have been here a while.
You will see the good, bad and the ugly of step-life.
And be glad that the BM isn't being more of a bitch to you than she is. You definitely started things off on the WRONG foot there!
If the BM is smart she will
If the BM is smart she will fill harassment charges on SM. If DH is smart he will run like hell from his wife. That chick has some issues with everything in her life. You Dh fucked around on you get over it or get a divorce. Don't know if BM is so much a whore? You where on a "break" who is to say you didn't get a little strange on your "break". Chick sounds like she is so unhappy that she must make everyone else that way to. You are so a dark spirit.
I agree you need to step
I agree you need to step back... way back. Apologize to DH about the way you have handled things and let DH be a father or walk away. If you really care about the child and his father let them bond. As others have said it is a hard pill to swallow but you will never be that childs mother no matter how much you do for him or care about him. As far as DH and BM being friends it is my opinion that they should be co-parents not buddies. Regarding the EX - talk to DH about BM having boundries. What will be comfortable for you AND him and what is necessary communication between him and BM. If DH loves you he will try to see your point of view. As far as secretly talking, meeting, texting etc. or talking about things that do not concern the welfare of the child that needs to stop if he wants the marriage to work. But you need to lighten up let him have some communication with her but try to come to an agreement like he returns BM calls when you are in the room, they only talk about the child, they do not see each other in a private location unless you are there, etc. If you love each other you can make it work but as the saying goes it is a give n take situation. If you are only staying in the relationship because you think you will never have a child than you are wrong that child is not yours. Leave the BM alone and let things calm down.
This can't be real!! Who in
This can't be real!! Who in their right mind could actually believe any of this?
What does someone get out of posting a blog like this? I'm guessing they're just trying to stir the pot!
Well I see a 14 year old
Well I see a 14 year old doing a creative writing project that has unfortunately wasted all of our time and empathy for the BM!!
Hey skids since this is a
Hey skids since this is a bullshit post - how the heck are you and how is DH's new job - did you start the clomid yet? How are the skids - love ya sister!!!
I am doing great as well - it
I am doing great as well - it has been 7 weeks today and I am up and about and driving and getting back into life - I registered DD5 for Kindergarten today and I had to fill out one new form and she met a little boy and next thing I know I look up and she is holding hands with him and going off with his family - I swear outside of me cooking and washing her clothes and driving her places she really does not need me at all - lol.
Glad everything is going so well for you - I am so happy about that and I hope that soon that there is a little kid running around!!!