reaching out to bio mom
I'm new to this site and apologize in advance if this is posted in the wrong place.
I am soon to be married to a wonderful man.
A little history: mom and dad lived together and were never married. They had 1 child. He broke up with her after years of verbal abuse towards him and moved out. He filed for visitation and child support order and is currently seeing his daughter regularly. They have been apart for 2 years. He and I have been a couple for 1 year. I have 2 children.
She has made it very clear that she dislikes my presence and that of my children. I have never said one mean or spiteful thing to her EVER! However, she continues to make comments about me to my fiance and has even sent me threatening emails. (I did not respond to the emails). I would love to have some type of civil relationship with her...for the sake of the child. I am perfectly willing to let bygones be bygones but I'm not sure how or if I should proceed. Fiance tells me not to bother. He certainly knows her better than I do. She still has a lot of hostility towards him over the break up. I am smart enough to know that there is his side, her side, and the truth is somewhere in between. The best thing for all parties involved especially the children would be for all the adults to have a civil relationship. I would like to be able to express this to her, however, my fiance states that she is "irrational" and that you can't talk rationally with someone who is irrational. Any advice. Thanks.
Since this is a "place to vent" I think the major issue here is that she does not see her daughter as a separate human being from herself. She sees her daughter as an extension of herself. She doesn't comprehend that she does not have to have a relationship with her ex in order for her to support a relationship between father and daughter. She actively kept the child away from her father until she was court ordered to allow visits. She sees the father and certainly his "new family" (as she likes to call us) as a threat to her relationship with her daughter. AHHHH!!! thanks for listening.
At first I though she wanted
At first I though she wanted him back.....but now I can see that it's not that she wants him back.....she just doesn't want him with anyone else. She lays these guilt trips on him like "if you were a good father you would live closer, but I guess living with your girlfriend and her children are more important than your daughter." I can't stand it! He would be more than happy to see his daughter more that the court order allows, but she won't give him 1 second more than the court order....so what's the point of living closer. We would love to have daughter at our house and give mom a break (I have an ex who rarely takes the kids but when he does I enjoy the break) But she refuses it since we are not married (getting married next month) I think deep inside she is just pissed off that she can't control him anymore.
I just can't understand a mother who puts her own issues above what is best for her children...trust me I have PLENTY of issues with my ex but I would never take it out on the kids and not let them see there father.
Glad I found this board.
Until this BM grows up and/or
Until this BM grows up and/or gets some serious psychological help, reaching out will be impossible. Any decency on your part will be met with more chaos. Plus, it it usually viewed as weakness by this type of BM. My advice is to stay as far from her as you can. If she is driving a wedge between you and your FDH, there will come a point where he will have to go low to no contact with her or your relationship WILL suffer, the BM will make sure of that... even if that means getting the kids to do her dirty work. You simply can not reason with a disordered mind.
Hang in there!
Why bother. She has not
Why bother. She has not earned it and has made her feelings of you and your children abundantly clear.
Don't give her the time of day. Live your life in the best way you can, you and your DH stay committed to each other and to setting the best example you can for all of your children.
The best revenge and the best way to deal with your DHs XW and the BM of his children is to live your lives well and to be happy.
Vitriolic Xs are like cockroaches. Roaches run for the dark corners when you turn on the lights in a roach filled room. Xs are the same when exposed to the light of a happy marriage.
If she approaches you in a mature and pleasant manner then deal with her accordingly. You have your life to live and a good relationship with her X and her children. If she chooses not to, that is entirely on her and she is not worth any time at all.
Welcome by they way. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute and pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
Best regards,