Wondering if anyone else gets this
Have 2 SK that live out of state. When they visit my H somehow switches roles and becomes my roommate. I am expected to participate in the family and pretend to be happy that my relationship with my husband is non-existent when his kids are around. I can suck it up and deal with it over the holiday but for 2 months in the summer?!?!?! I want my husband damnit! How can any normal woman not start to feel resentment toward the kids? And I am a great SM. I spend every waking second with them except when I am working. I swear I don't know what to do. I talk to him about it and he throws his guilt trip out there about how he never gets to see them and can't afford to spend any time away from them when they are here. But what about me? Am I suppose to put my personal life on hold for his kids? How is this fair to me? To our marriage?
Thank you for responding and
Thank you for responding and I can understand how your technique can work when you see the kids EOW but to be distant from my husband for 2 months?
I honestly don't feel you
I honestly don't feel you should have to be made to feel distant just because his kids are there..not in the slightest.
I would hope and pray these men would WANT their kids to see what REAL love is like..how it feels and looks like.
Look...our DH's marriages failed due to one thing or another..why would they want us to portray a roommate persona just to appease their children?
Is it fair for a man to hold out his affections from you and then expect you to give your all? Is it fair that behind closed doors THEN he shows affection because SKs are not there?
No! It's not.
Why would we be made to feel like affection or adoration need be held back from us because a marriage that we were not involved in failed ? Is this our fault?
Guilt or not..it's wrong that a man withholds affection from his wife because his kids are standing there. Does he withhold affection from his kids while the new wife is there? If not..why?
Why give the kids the OTHER kind of ammunition? Meaning why allow them to go back and tell the ex how distant daddy and his new wife are? How they don't touch..kiss..or hold hands?
I would in no way be made to feel like a stranger in any way just to make his kids or ex feel better. Never.
Hi Sudo! All you say makes
Hi Sudo! All you say makes perfect sense.
I just don't agree with a man feeling he has to hold back on anything because his kids are there. I have had friends tell me of this and it really burns me.
When my DH was married before, I'm sure he didn't hold back much to his ex because he's an affectionate person. And I know it wasn't held back in front of his kids. So I feel I deserve the same respect. A lot of that is because his kids are grown - they should be way past the 'ewww...my dad is touching another woman' stage..lol!
I'm respectful around his kids as well..I wear PJs too and make sure I'm covered up. No matter how old they are, it is about respect. I'd do it for my own daughter too.
I guess I'm just very adamant in the fact that we may be 2nd wives..or even 3rd..but we should never feel 2nd best. To a child or an ex. The OP talked of how her DH would mention his guilt..I surely hope he gets over that real quick because it's not fair to her to have to sink to that level as well. I love my DH to death but I'll never allow myself to feel like his guilt makes me consort to a certain way of thinking to make everyone but myself happy. That is one of the reasons many 2nd and 3rd marriages fail. It's a fine line that we have to walk.
I'm not one to think I need to be a porn star of affection when my DH is around and his kids are here..lol..but I hope I never end up feeling like because they're watching I need to back off from touching him in any way that's appropriate.
Good points here.
I feel your pain. No answers
I feel your pain. No answers for you. I like your de-briefing idea. How old are kids?
Ideas:
Note: these are not field tested!
1. Plan some fun things to do with girlfriends...weekend away or day long workshop (there are free/low-cost ones at museums/libraries, etc.)
2. See your therapist, or get one
3. De-brief at steptalk.org nightly
4. Get a massage (schools have them for low-cost)
5. Take a dance/Zumba class
6. Plan a special day with 1 kid one to one (repeat) while other has a regular day
7. Take a college class (you can audit them for free I think) and do your homework
8. Make special foods that YOU like, and if they enjoy them too...great!
I think I may take some of this advice myself!