Hi, I'm Anita and new to everything!!!

I guess if there wasn't a problem I wouldn't have searched you out.
HELP!!! I swear I'm done like a Thanksgiving turkey!!! My new husband and I got together after my husband passed away. I have an older son (no problem there) he's got a lovely family and I'm a new grandma....ha ha...me...a grandma!!! Anywho, my son is 15, smart as a whip, lazy as a sloth, and a pain in the butt, but I can tolerate it to an extent. My step-daughter is also 15......she didn't grow up with her mom but my husband raised her, so she was always around guys. I've been trying for these 3 years to help her grow into a self-sufficiant young lady. I'd rather pull teeth from and alligator. Bottom line...I do NOT like her, she doesn't like me...BUT...I haven't given up. I have always been there, gone to her concerts, helped and pushed her through school, gone to bat for her when needed. Her mother isn't there for her at all for anything like that. She's just someone for her to go over there and do what she wants and have her mom buy things. Otherwise, it's me, I'm the good guy, mostly the bad guy and I'm here to be crapped on when her mom let's her down again and again. Basically she's a nasty witch. I'm the president of her high school band and bust my butt for her to have a good high school experience. Right now I should be shopping for concession stuff for the Friday night game, but I'm so upset I need to vent.
Today's happy times started last night. I found out at 4 that we should open concession for the JV game, I shut it down because we haven't done it for 3 years...too much trouble for a couple hundred dollars. At 4:30 I got a call that I should be at school for Open house to speak to the 3 classes of parents to get them involved...I need help...parents don't want to volunteer but expect us to fork out the $$ for their kids. So, I left work, got to the school, did it, put out fires from band and color guard, got home, made dinner, fed doggies, tutored a friend in Excel til 11, then passed out in bed. Today, work,then the phone call (the step-daughter want's to go to church) It's not what you think...it's a chance for her to see her boyfriend and not attend the class) I caught her 2 weeks ago doing that!So I said, "NO you may not go, you need to go with me to GFS and Sams to pick up the stuff for Concession, She said she didn't want anything to do with it. SOOOOOOOOO...... I went off on her and told her that I'm not doing this for me, but for her and she said she didn't care!!! ok, so I get home,go to school to measure the new kids for marching uniforms,make dinner, feed animals, clean kitchen, and she says are we going? Nope we're not, I don't care anymore!!! I'm done doing anything for her. She's not my daughter and I'm not wasting my time anymore.
My husband says I am supposed to treat both kids the same. NO way! This girl is dumb as a box of rocks and can't carry on an intelligent conversation to save her life. G- forbid her computer and phone ever blew up!!!! She can't clean after herself....oh wait, she can't even clean herself. She wears her hair up so she doen't have to brush it, but complains when there are huge knots in the back....and I have to tell her to shower, put conditioner on it and unfortunately it'll hurt getting a comb through it. Yet I get yelled at by hubby saying I'm snotty to her. Yes I am....She ignorant, and it's unacceptable. Let's not talk about her not brushing her teeth, sucking down soda's that I say no to, and spending over $600.00 in dental last year on cavities...that's with insurance. Oh...my son...no cavities, cares about what he looks and smells like, dresses appropriately for any occasion, and can have in depth conversations on everything from politics to ancient history. But he can't keep his room clean or mow the lawn without being told 20 times. Talk about annoying too.
I've tried everything with her though....getting her nails done with artwork, $75.00 twice...that twice she ripped them off the next day....DONE!!! Never again. It's all about her, nobody else matters except what they can buy for her. Not me....no more. She can't do chores, can't keep the ants out of her room...oh yeah...Rule #1 No food in room...she doesn't care. So I'm done caring too. I'm certainly not the same sweet loving person I used to be. Happy all the time, willing to do whatever it takes to help. I do not want this anymore. I'm seriously considering leaving. I think I deserve a better life than spending my time being upset or crapped on. I'd rather be alone then spend the next few years with her or anywhere near her. Yep....the children did come between us....and it's never going to be anywhere near normal until they move out. Hubby and I are at odds with each other too. He works his butt off, but is never here for any of this. He doesn't get them up, take them to school, do any of the after school stuff, homework, teacher things, nothing. Zip zero nada. He is in constant pain from an injury sustained in Desert Storm and this leaves the ol love life at a goose egg too. I honestly do not see any reason to have to deal with this. It didn't start this way, but it is now. After 3 years I want out. I am not that type, since I was married for 23 before my husband passed. Guess it must be bad or maybe I know it's time for me