I found this forum today in searching for information about dealing with an adult "step child" - a term that doesn't really describe our situation, but fits for searching purposes. Our situation is odd, so I'm hoping someone can give me some good advice on how to proceed. This is going to be long because if you know the background, you'll understand better why I'm trying to figure out how to proceed.

All that said - I'm married to DH for nine years, we have a six year old and I'm pregnant with our second, due in January.

Prior to our marriage, DH had a child with a GF when he was in his 20's - neither wanted to marry each other, but neither wanted to terminate the pregnancy. After a few years, she got engaged and married a really nice guy and asked DH to allow him to adopt the girl so she'd have an intact family and share the name with any children they might have. DH wasn't thrilled with the idea, but also wasn't thrilled with the idea of being an outsider in a new family, always the third-wheel if you will - so after giving it a lot of thought, he agreed to the adoption, which legally severed his responsibility to her. Now enter his parent, my inlaws, they were outraged - how dare he - she was their grandchild and they had not agreed to any such arrangement and basically demanded seeing her....so her mother allowed visitation. Over the years it was a rocky situation and the mother had to cease vistation on a number of occasions because my MIL is, well, mentally unstable and very manipulative.

So, when DH and I were dating, he told me about his daughter and how he sometimes wondered if it was the right decision, but then considered all the good it provided her with....basically he was (and still is) torn, but doesn't dwell on it - it is what it is. He and I talked extensively about her before we married and about how, at some point in time, it's likely she'll want a reunion with him, if for nothing else, to have questions answered, and hear from him why he gave her up for adoption. I was prepared for that day from day one of our marriage....and upon getting married, I assumed the role of gift-getter for her as I did for everyone else in his family - making sure her birthday and Christmas presents and cards were sent in a timely manner, since his parents were in touch and he'd kept in touch through very basic remembering of holidays and such. During her early teenage years, his mother and her mother encouraged him to connect with her - she wanted nothing to do with him and made that clear to him, so he respected that.....he did the gift giving because his mother and her mother thought it would at least be a good idea for her to realize he did remember her even if she didn't want anything to do with him.

After she reached 18 and there remained no acknowledgement of cards or gifts, no thank you's or anything, DH and I talked and decided that now that she was an adult, we'd stop the gifts since it seemed she didn't care he/we sent them.....he again reached out to her to get to know her and she wanted nothing to do with him. So any and all contact pretty much dried up just before she was 19.

Fast forward to a year and a half ago - inlaws buy a house near us (they'd lived a 5-hour car ride away previously) and before moving MIL gets the idea that it's time for DH and his daughter to have their reunion and get to know each other, so she invites her to come with her to the new house while she tries to get some things done here before moving here. She doesn't ask us if we're okay with this or if we or he wants to do this.....and when she told us and we were a bit surprised, she noted, quite firmly that it is her house that her granddaughter is invited to and we have no say in whom she invites. Okay....no problem with that, but when you also have an agenda that includes our lives, ummm, yeah, we definitely deserve some input beforehand.

So DH and I discussed things and agreed that he and his daughter should meet and have time to get to know each other - that I didn't need to be part of that and that our child was still too young to include in that process....so we wanted the focus of her visit to be on her and him getting to know each other and she and he deciding what kind of relationship, if any, they'd want in the future. We communicate this to all - inlaws, his daughter - and all AGREE taking things slowly is a good idea.

So MIL and his daughter arrive and the next evening, after work, DH goes over to visit and within a few minutes, what was to be a getting to know you between him and his daughter turns into him being told he has to introduce his son to her since she is his sister...basically MIL makes her agenda totally clear that evening, that getting to know his daughter means capitulating to his mother's rules on how that will work because he abandon her as a child and he must make amends to her now.

Oy!

DH comes home to drop this on me and I disagreed - we had set out our plans, all agreed, and changing the plan now, to capitulate to his mother's will wasn't an option - our son was not going to be involved in a process that could result in his daughter deciding that she doesn't want a relationship - he and she needed to figure out what they wanted before dragging our child into it.

Next day DH goes over and let's them know we're not going to introduce our child right now, he needs time with his daughter and she with him, then we'll see how things are going and make a decision on how to blend her into our family unit. For MIL, that wasn't acceptable and she again started her demands and upped the ante to be verbally abusive to DH, telling him he's absuing his daughter, he'd abandon her, yadda, yadda, yadda (all, mind you, in front of her).

By the third day of this crap, I'd had it --- DH simply wasn't able to get his mother to back down and I wasn't changing my mind....until DH and his daughter established a relationship, there was no reason in my mind to drag our son into what could turn out to be a non-starter. So, I went over to talk to MIL and meet DH's daughter - it was a disaster, with MIL screaming at me, his daughter running away from the antics (I did maintain my composure) as MIL kept raging about how abusive the decision was, how it wasn't right, how DH had to do this, etc.

Next day his daughter decided to go home and left it that she and DH would talk on the phone and see what happened along the way. MIL was livid and of course, I was the problem....it wasn't her or anyone else failing to keep their word that this was about DH and his daighter having time to get to know each other first - it was me that was the obstacle to what should be 'one big happy family'.

After his daughter left, I sent her an email, giving her some insights into our decision and how I had long hoped she and her father would one day have time to get to know each other and hopfully form a relationship for the long-term.....one that included getting to eventually know me and her brother too, but that first she and DH had to get to know each other and she had to decide what is was she wanted for the long-term. I never heard anythign from her....didn't expect to either....but I did try to have her understand I was not the bad guy and that I did see a great value in her becoming part of our family if that is what she wanted once she got to know her father.

Over the course of the year that followed, DH and she talked fairly regularly, with DH calling her once a week - she never called him.....then, for her 21st birthday, without talking to me, he bought her a $500 present she wanted - came home after the fact and told me and I let him know that I would have appreciated he and I discussing beforehand, that if I spent that kind of money without talking to him first, he'd be upset too.....and I reminded him that in the last year she'd not called him once and that while he thinks this is a great idea, he should remember that he CANNOT BUY HER LOVE. We agreed that in the future any money that he's considering spending on her or sending to her - we'll talk about first.

A couple of months later, MIL is back to her antics again - this time inviting his daughter for a month and again dropping it on us rather than asking us how we feel about it first....whatever.....so, DH and I try to be very proactive - visit a therapist to get counsel on how to manage MIL and her agenda and how to proceed....therapist agrees our child is too young to bring into this until all are comfortable with how the long-term will proceed, that DH and his daughter need time, face-to-face, to communicate and get to know each other and then we can evaluate an introduction with our child if we decide that's a good idea or not.

When MIL sends an email out, all excited that we should all have dinner the day after his daughter arrives, we reply that while we appreciate the invite, DH would prefer time alone with his daughter before proceeding in an introduction to me again and then with our child....that we wanted to take things slowly, she's here a month, there is no rush, let's take this a step at a time. MIL's reply - take all the time you need. His daughter's reply - she wanted to take things slowly too.

She arrives, and she and DH spend exactly one evening together and again MIL is putting on the pressure - she deserves to be introduced to her brother, DH is abusing his children by not introducing them, I don't want his daughter to exist, wished she never existed, etc......DH stands his ground and MIL goes totally bonkers - screaming at him and basically making an ass of herself as she has a major tantrum, again. At that point, after hearing her verbally abuse DH again, I put my back up and refuse to budge....no way is my child being part of this toxicity!

A couple of days later, DH and I schedule a dinner with his daughter so she and I can meet and get to know each other without MIL around....it is clear from the start of this dinner that she has set her mind up that she has to meet her brother. I ask her why she feels so strongly when she still barely knows her father and hardly knows me, or me her.....she says, I quote, "he's a curiosity - I'd like to meet him - I come with love and no desire to harm him".......WTF? He's a curiosity? So we talked and I made it clear that at some point I'm all for him meeting her, however I need to know who she is and she needs to decide how she'll maintain contact with him once she goes home beccause simply fulfilling her need to know this curiosity and then taking off without any future contact was not something I was comfortable doing to my child - when she is introduced, I basically told her that comes with a responsibility to him and when she's sure she can take on that responsibility to him, then we'll decide on her meeting him.

So, she was actually appalled by this - she said she couldn't know how she'd keep in touch, what she'd do or heck, where she'd be living in six months, that she can't take on that responsibility - he's her brother and she deserves to know him, but how often she stays in touch, she couldn't commit to anything.

Needless to say the dinner didn't proceed well from there - she tried every which way to manipulate DH, from the "I'm your daugher, you know I'm responsible" to "why don't you stop her?".....she finally decided she was getting nowhere and left crying when DH said that he thougth proceeding slowly was a good idea.

She managed to not run away back home and stayed the month, but each day was HE%% dealing wtih the constant pressure from MIL, with the constant implication that I had something wrong with me if I didn't see the beauty of making us all one big happy family....she went so far as to email DH and I to inform us that I had something causing me so much pain I couldn't allow anyone happiness. Oy!

So, I emailed back, CC'ed DH's daughter so she could see the manipulation and blasted MIL for the previous year antics and the repeat performance this year. Needless to say, DH's daughter blasted me back as cruel to her grandmother and said she wanted nothing to do with me and that meeting her brother obviously couldn't happen while I was in DH's life....that he could seek her out when he turned 18 if he wanted, but she didn't want anything to do with him as long as I was his mother. Nice, huh?

Two days before her return home, MIL invited DH to dinner and wanted our son to be there....when DH asked if I was invited, she told him no.....so at first he wasnt' going to go, then WE decided we'd go and bring DS since it was a restaurant....we wanted his daugher to see how his mother was going to flip to sweet-as-pie toward me when she felt she got her way. Yes, I feel badly we used our son in this....but we showed up and sure enough, MIL was all over me, praise, praise, praise, how wonderful we were all there, etc. His daughter got pissed....how could gramma be the polar opposite now? Not only did she ignore my presense, she was downright rude to her grandmother throughout dinner.

The next day, MIL was so happy - invited us all over for dinner again.....we went, with DS again.....again the praise flowed for me as DH's daughter looked on, obviously disgusted....and again ignored my presence completely. This time it was very obvious to DH how she was toward me and it made him angry because he felt that our child should not see anyone disrespecting me, especially his sister.....DH finally got it and when we got home, he realized why it was so important that we not capitulate to things we don't agree with, even if it means his mother is unhappy.....this is our family and he and I and our son are priority, his daughter matters, but she's an adult and we need to protect our son from craziness at this age!

She goes home, he calls her still and recently, the last couple of months, he's pretty much realized she doesn't call him, so he doesn't call as often.

But, leave it to MIL, she convinced his daughter to move here now.....to help take care of her and grandpa and be part of a big happy family!

OMG

DH is in a panic - he and his daughter still don't have what any reasonable person would consider a relationship - he hates how she treats me - and he does not want to expose our son to the crazy dynamic of his mother and his daughter manipulating and scheming, making me the bad guy and him the abusive, abandoning father!

So, DH and I are talking about how to lay out and set some boundaries for his daughter when she arrives to live in our town. We already have MIL attempting to again control things, with her first attempt inviting us all to dinner with not only his daughter, but her mother.....I told DH no, I have no need to meet the woman he slept with 22 years ago to father a child with, nor does our child need to meet her....and he agrees with that, that it's way to awkward and not healthy for our son at his age as it opens up questions that he's not mature enough to deal with the answers to.

Any advice?