Advice needed about SD
I started seeing my partner in January. We met online, on a dating site. We lived quite far away, but as we're both retired, he would come down for the weekend, for a week here and there. Together, we re-decorated my apartment, went out for meals, went out to National Trust places, etc. It was lovely.
Then, about six months into the relationship, his daughter entered the picture. He has four daughters in total, all adults. Three are married with children, except for the 3rd who has some mental health issues. As far as I understand it, in June her mother (his ex-wife) got a new boyfriend and didn't want the daughter to be there anymore, so she had to come and live with my partner.
She is 25 and suffers from severe panic-attacks and anxiety. She rarely goes outside and doesn't like to be left alone over night because she says it's worse at night. Now, to be fair, she is not rude, disrespectful, or anything like that. She gets a sickness allowance and she pays for her food, and contributes to her share of the rent and bills.
But as I live in one-bedroom apartment, and she has a dog and I have a cat that doesn't like dogs, my partner's visits to me since she moved in with him have become almost non-existant. When I visit him and we go out, she usually has to tag along with her dog.
I was hoping that my partner and I would be able to enjoy a romantic Christmas alone at my place, but now it seems that his daughter will be there. He has invited me over to spend Christmas with the two of them, but it would mean putting my cat away in a cattery for a week because of her dog.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation, as it is starting to really aggravate me?
I think that parenting a
I think that parenting a stepchild is one of the most difficult things I've ever done. If this daughter is not rude or disrespectful to you, I think you're doing pretty well! Children in general require A LOT of sacrifice, and I think that this is what's being required of you here. The problem with stepchildren is, they're not ours, and we don't have the natural love of a parent for them. It's a difficult place to be, for sure. I do think you need to honor your own feelings, though. If you're starting to feel aggravated, it means you're giving too much. There's no right or wrong here-- rather, I think it's important to take care of yourself, while also taking care of others. It has to be 50-50. You're NOT the birth parent, and shouldn't be required to constantly act like one (where the ratio of parent-child giving is probably more like 80-20).
From my own experience with stepchildren, I'm beginning to feel that a step family isn't a biological family, and we do ourselves a grave disservice to try and pretend that it is, and to try and pretend we have the feelings of a birth parent. We don't. These children are strangers to us, and as much as their parent (our partner) might want us to love them, both the stepchildren and the stepparent have to work at creating good relations-- very much as people in a friendship would.
Again, don't put your needs aside in all of this. I did that for many years-- simply took a lot of crap from my stepson, and just grinned and bore it, in hopes that we'd be a happy family. We aren't. So honor yourself and your feelings. Your feelings are like a weather gage. If they tell you the weather is bad, then it is, and you need to not stifle your truth, but share it with your new partner, and get it out in the open. At least start talking about it. Gentle honesty, while very difficult and sometimes extremely unpleasant for the relationship, is the best policy. Things may not work out. But in keeping difficult feelings under wraps, you're ruining your health, and really doing nothing for your relationship.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your replies.
My partner and I are both retired. We are in our mid 60s, though not typically old I'd say! My partner is twice divorced and she's from his second marriage.
She can be alone, sometimes, but usually for no more than a few hours. She doesn't come along every time, but my partner does not like to leave her incase she has an attack. She's got some other health issues as well, and sees the doctor quite regularly for blood-tests.
To be fair, she isn't a bad person - she's quiet, she cleans, makes us coffee, cooks dinner for us sometimes.. and only really goes out to the doctor or church. But it's just having her there, I think, and the limitation on things we can do without having to make arrangements for her to be looked after.
The times I've gently spoken to my partner about it, I've been met with "she's my daughter and she's not well".
Which I can understand, and I'm trying to be patient about everything - but, well, really I'd like to know what others would do in the same situation to see if I can handle this better?
Can she be helped with
Can she be helped with medication? Will someone always have to be with her? What if her dad got sick and had to go in the hospital or something? Who would look after her then?
I'll have to say that I'm quite impressed that she's not a lazy slob like my SD (26) and doesn't sound like a royal pain in the but, but I'm wondering if she's as helpless as she's pretending to be. Who's going to give her long-term care? Will she be with daddy for the next 20 years? What are the doctors saying?
These are the things that I
These are the things that I wonder about myself -- as does my partner, we have both health issues and won't be around forever.
She does give us alone time in the evenings after dinner - retreats to her room with a book for the night, but if we wanted to go out to a bar, or for a walk, or something - then there'd be no chance.
The doctors are saying that the most important thing is getting her physically well. She's been suffering from something the doctors can't find for most of the year. She's lost a lot of weight for no apparent reason and is now quite badly underweight, has on-off chest and joint pains; the doctors are running blood-test after blood-test and everything seems to come back negative.
As a result, she's convinced that she's on the verge of death and speaks often of her fear of dying alone; usually on days that me and her father had planned to go out.
As for her mental health, she sees a therapist, and they do breathing exercises; she says she wants to try hypnotherapy.
My partner assures me that it won't be like this forever and it's just until she gets some weight back on and manages her attacks a little better, but who knows how long that could take?
She ruined her mother's social life to the point of where her mother drove her to the homeless shelter (where my partner had to get her from) and now is refusing to have her back, saying "I've done my bit in raising her".
It's a bad situation, sigh. I hope it does get better for me, though.
Good grief, she's blessed to
Good grief, she's blessed to have her dad after mom's lack of compassion. What a horrible thing to do to your own flesh and blood - dump her at a shelter and go on about your business. She should have at least put her in a nursing facility where she could be monitored and safe.
She does indeed sound ill and I'm sorry that they can't find the problem so she can be treated. I hope she gets better and can one day live on her own. Or if not that, perhaps she can live in an assisted living facility.
I wish you the very best as it's a very sad situation indeed. Stay strong!