I have been considering this question for a while now. I am starting to think I jumped into this WAY too quickly and should have taken more time. I felt like I was on the spot to say yes or no, and the opportunity to say yes or no would never come around again, at least not with DH. I love the man, I really, really do, but I feel like I am not who he thought I would be, and he is not who I thought he would be. I thought he would be this wonderful father and husband, but he is so busy being stressed about his work and whether or not he is going to lose SD15 to BM that he doesn't have time to work on our suffering marriage. I certainly would have insisted that SD15's relationship with me be less intimate...when she asked to call me "mom" I would have said, "why don't we stick redheaded_stepmom, because you already have a mom and I am not here to take her place." I had no idea how difficult this was going to be, and DH and I having kids together just made it that much more difficult. Don't get me wrong, I adore my children, they are my world and I would do anything for them, but I think SD15 resents them and me and so much that it is starting to ruin my marriage. I am screwed financially...it's all "his" money. We have a joint account, I am a stay-at-home mom going to school, so I have no money to call my own. My parents have always said they would help me out should the time come, but it is scary to know I would leave without a penny to my name. I definitely would have do EVERYTHING differently if had known then what I know now.

Yes I would do it all over again.
I have pondered this over and over and the only thing I would have done differently is never have left the skids with BM for a year while we both deployed
The bed wetting and attitudes that occurred for 6 months after that were not worth it, not to mention long term damage.
I would also have tried to adopt the skids about 4 years ago.

My posts are usually very long, but in answer to your question if I knew then what I know now, my short answer is NO, and my long answer is NO WAY, HELL NO. Life choices are like investments in the stock market. You invest 1000$ and promtly lose $500. How long do you hold on hoping to recoup your loss? Pull out and keep the $500? Hold on and hope to get to $1500? In the stepparent gamble, most of us hold on too long and end up with $2 (and infinitely more important than money, a lot of lost years and broken dreams).

I cant' say for certain either way but I sure wish I had taken more time to fully understand and experience the situation I was walking into. If I had just given it a little more time I could have at least given myself the oppritunity to make a fully informed decision. If we had married anyway in the end I would have felt more in control of the direction of my life because with all the facts, I think I would have felt that I had made the choice to live this life. Instead I feel I jumped into something that I had no idea I was not ready for. Now I'm in over my head and drowning.

To answer the original question, had I known what I was getting into I would have RAN! 21 years later, SSs are 26 & 28, husband had custody and only visitation with a psycho mother.

I tried my best to be patient and understanding, trying to fill all the pegs and providing my family with all I could give them. Everything the boys went to their mom about she belittle, told them I had no authority to make the decisions, that they didn't need to listen, I was not their mom. I know she told my husband that I hated the boys and they hated me so I have no doubt she was also telling the boys the same.

The younger boy gave us a real hard time as a teenager and I did not treat him any differently than the rest but he didn't think he had to abide by the rules of our home and I was the one making sure he knew he did. of course everything I did and said was wrong in his book and in bio's thought processes too.

Several years of silence went by, I had completely withdrawn. He married without inviting us and then came back from Iraq (military) a 'new man' wanting to meet with us. I was cautious but he hugged me and let me know how I'd been a good role model in his life, etc. I got to meet his wife and baby.

That was not to last long. All his furry came out when we drew the line on getting together with his bio mom for a birthday party. Then we were in the wrong and he tore his dad and I down to nothing. So I am now back to withdrawl. Have no connection with older boy, same furry, same story just a few years earlier. Not worth it!

I adore my DH. Ours' was a love at first sight kind of deal. We both had been divorced, me no kids, him one, now my ss9. We did not marry for several years until I became pregnant, over which I was very thrilled, then devastated when I miscarried. I have never been much of a maternal person...never had the strong baby longings like other women but I really wanted that baby. My ss is a good kid, basically. I am annoyed by him a lot, however, I have never been able to truly love him. I am more affectionate towards my fur children (dog and rabbit) than I am to him. I am still very undecided about whether I would do it again. I have been married two years now. I did not look seriously down the road. I was very caught up in the thrill of true love at first site. It had never happened to me before at all. When I first met my DH, he barely spoke of his son because I see in retrospect how he was reeling from the divorce and all. I later learned he had cared for his son most of the time from birth until a month before I met him. At the time, I assumed (I know, ass out of u and me) my then bf was just not interested in being involved with his son. The first time he saw his son was four months after we first met and then he saw him about once a month for the first 8 months or so. Thereafter, it picked up speed until we had him 30-50% of the time. It kind of snuck up on me.
I want to be with my DH, yes, definitely, but I do not want to be a stepmother. I don't believe I can separate them now.

Well said, moeZy99. I, too, absolutely want to be with my DH, but am not interested in being a stepmother (I have a SD9 and a SS4.5). Unfortunately, we just don't get the things we want, in the way we want them. What really bothers me is the fact that DH has all of this baggage that we have to deal with constantly and I have NONE…ZILCH…ZERO! It's hard to reconcile the fact that I don't regret marrying DH, while feeling like I am in effect "putting up with" the kids in order to have him in my life. He would be shocked if he knew how I truly felt. I just don't have the patience to find everything they do cute and amazing. I roll my eyes A LOT on the down low at home. }:)

The kids and I get along, but I've never wanted children. To me, they are a constant drain on your energy, finances, sanity, etc. My DH splits custody 50/50 with his ex-wife. I spend EOW that we have the kids counting down the hours until they are gone again and I can enjoy quiet time with DH. We only dated a year before marrying. Looking back, I should have known to wait longer. But, like many, I was dumb and in love! When I still had my own place while we were dating, I enjoyed avoiding some of the annoying kid time (to set a good example, I did not spend the night at his house when the kids were there).

I think that I wasn't realistic about how much I was going to be annoyed on a consistent basis by the kids. I wish they were older and not so damn dependent on having constant attention – that's the big thing I cannot stand. SD9 isn't so bad most of the time because she can entertain herself, but there are times she is annoying like her brother. SS4.5 is pretty much ALWAYS underfoot, constantly needing someone to acknowledge his existence. He is so clingy/needy that it drives me insane. I'm hoping that will start to wane now that he's turning 5 soon.

I feel like my answer to this question would be different now than if you asked me 2 years ago. I have a SD5 that I only get to spend 3 months out of the year with and every other Christmas (for about 2 weeks). She lives with her mother states away since my husband met her when they were in the army. Our situation isn't great but I feel like it could be a lot worse (I'm glad that she lives far away and we can't get sucked into her drama). I've never been much of a kid person but having that sweet little girl in my life has really changed me. I feel like I have more patience and I care for her more than I have in previous years. I wouldn't say that I love her like my own but I do care about her and I miss her when shes gone...as much as she annoys me sometimes. I knew walking into this that it would be hard but I feel like I have a great husband that is on the same page with me and the hard times has made us stronger. Who knows maybe I will consider having a baby of my own one day....when the time is right and we are all ready

NEVER!

Cleogrrl - actually I DID do no's 1-3 of your list - more by luck than judgement - or instinct, maybe. I kept separate finances, stayed out of dramas with BM (more because they terrified me than anything else) and kept her out of my house (ditto).
If someone had shown me a picture of the first 9 years with DH, although I love him to bits, I probably would have taken fright and run a mile. I don't consider myself the bravest of people and BM is very scarey with narcissistic personality disorder. Shouts and screams a lot. THankfully DH has become - with some coaching - excellent at dealing with her dramas. That has been the saving of our marriage, really. Doubt if I'd have stuck with it if he'd remained as passive as he was when I first met him.

Nope.

parenting is actually one of the hardest part of having a family especially when you are not only dealing with your biological kids but as well as your step sons or daughters, it's kinda hard I may say. Nurturing a child plays a major role on how a kid would become when he grow old and even what perspectives in life will he developed. This findings was actually part of the study done recently by Pew Charitable Trusts wherein they said that most of those middle class family who's kids were a product of a broken family soon end up losing their middle class status. Article source: One in three Americans are losing middle-class status

Definitely no. One of the worst decisions I have ever made.

I am only 1 1/2 years into this relationship with my BF and SD who is almost eight. We are in our 50s and raised families. He wanted a second chance to do it "right" and had a baby with a very young woman who sees SD only every other weekend. SD is spoiled and over-indulged. He thinks her every obnoxious move is charming. She is used to acting wild with no rules. It's been an exhausting journey to adjust to life together. It still may not work but I am trying hard because they gave up everything to move in with me. I'm drained and he's on anti-anxiety meds. Never, never, never again.