23 new relationship falling apart
Hi new to this site and in desperate need of help and guidance. My boyfriend (31) and I (23) have been a couple for almost 4 months following a month of 'dating'. We worked together which is how we met and i have been around his 5yr old daughter since then as she was always at work with him. This is a first at serious relationships (in positive aspects at least) for both of us. He has his daughter full time although she usually spends weekends with her grandparents. Somehow since the last week of May I've 'moved in' with him although he says we dont live together and i still have a room at my moms he doesnt want me to leave. His daughter has slept by herself practicallly forever minus the occasional time or 2 which hasnt occured since we've known each other. The last 3-4 wks she has been whining to her dad to sleep with her at times even saying that 'but you always sleep with her' even cries. Lately she just wakes up around 3 or 4 and sneaks into bed with us usually awaking me before him. I tell her to go back to bed and she usually does but the last few times her dad either allows her to sleep with us or goes with her to her room. Its driving me insane to the point Im ready to go home. We both work long days myself Mon-Sat 12-9 and him Mon-Sat 8-7. By the time we get home and her ready for bed and him and i have dinner its time for us to go to sleep. So the sleeping arrangements is putting an even larger strain on our relationship thats had already lacked affection to begin with. The bm is no help and she wasnt really in the picture until my prescence became known she constantly calls him now tried to keep her on a visit, was calling an texting me irate and violent things until i changed my number so now she talks about me to him and his daughter. We constantly argue over him filing for child support and custody which he has yet to do in the 3yrs he's had her which i cant understand with all their arguiing complaining and her threats to take her. I play the role as he says so why dont i get the respect. I cant keep doing this everyday is a struggle to smile even when i want to something in the back of my mind says keep your guard up. Not sure what im asking just need advice asap. Thanks!
As a biomom of 3 I'm going to
As a biomom of 3 I'm going to be honest and probably unsympathetic- just warning. Yes, I am a stepmom too, but DH and I dated WAY longer before I spent time with his son and we had NO overnights with his son til we got married. First, I personally think moving in with him and his daughter ishappening too early in the relationship but that's just me. Second, of course his daughter is going to have sleep problems now- thereis a new stranger in the house sleeping with her daddy. (stranger because you've only been dating a few months and how much of that time was spent with her?) I have a 5year old. And she is her daddy's little girl. Yes, sometimes she sneaks into bed with us at night- that's an age thing I think. But in your case she is probably confused. Why does she have to sleep alone when you don't- fair question to me. Maybe she's feeling jealous or left out. Has her dad talked to her about your relationship and explained things? Have boundaries been set? You can't just movein and expect a 5yo to just go withthe flow and have HER world turned upside down just because daddy has a new 'friend'. I know I can't really see how serious this relationship is because it's online, but that is my first concern. Everyone does things differently but in my opinion I think no one should move in when there are kids involved (especially little ones) unless they are going to get married or are committed to staying around for the long haul. I just don't think it's fair to the little ones. It already sounds like you are ready to call it quits....my point is you shouldn't make HER change her world when you don't even know if you'll be around in a few months. If you both ARE really serious and are planning a future together then dad needs to explain that to her and set boundaries. But until then I'm siding with the little girl and yes it is because I have a 5yo daughter and am biased towards her.
moving a little too fast. If
moving a little too fast. If you're seeing things go wrong now and you're 4-5 months in, maybe you should back off and let him prove to you that he really wants to take this seriously by stopping the crap from BM and giving you the respect you deserve. Yes, the little girl doesn't REALLY understand what she's doing but HE DOES and He needs to respect you and her more than that.
I say put on the brakes and let him earn it.
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tx mommy of 3- as i said in
tx mommy of 3- as i said in my post i have spent everydayyy with her for the last 6 months the first 4 was literally all day bc she was at the workplace. I cook her dinner, put her in her baths, help her get dressed. Against my and her fathers request she still calls me mommy. If i didnt care about her as my own i wouldnt care about whats going on in our household. My concern was why after 4 months was she now acting this way. If anything her father spends more time with her now than ever before since he has my help day to day. Biased or not i dont feel i gave off the impression i dont put her needs before myself unless people read between the lines more than what has actually been said. Im 23 yes but mature well beyond my years and i would know if i moved to fast as would my boyfriend. We both said we wanted to be in it for the long haul before we made this decision and im the first woman he has ever brought around her and she loves me as i do her. I play a much larger role than her bm ever has. Just to clarify.
I was commenting mainly on
I was commenting mainly on the sleeping arrangement aspect. You'rethe first person his daughter has been around. She may like you but is still unsure about you. Has daddy talked to her about you? If he isn't bothered by the sleeping arrangement then he's not going to change it. You also said that your relationship lacked affection as it is. I can't help you with that. But what I can say is welcome to parenthood! Your day sounds like mine but with my own kids! Hubby has long work days, shuffling kids around, no alone time with hubby, kids sneaking in bed with you, lack of affection... You have to figure out if you're ready for parenthood or you want to be a stepmom with boundaries. Thentalk to dh about what you want and are ready for. Maybe you need more time and space before you jump in full throttle. As far as the bm goes...I leave that all to dh. I don't get involved. Right now it really isn't your business. Not to be rude. You can tell him what you think and why but the choice has to be his and you'll just drive yourself crazy trying to convince him otherwise.
You're 23, maybe you should
You're 23, maybe you should let it cool down, move back out and take a breather. Whether things turn for the better or for the worse, what you just listed off is a lot to take on at 23, 33, or 43. Step back and take the long look.