no, you're not crazy, I had a lot of similar feelings while planning my wedding to DH..did it bring back memories for him, did he regret divorcing her, is he happy or happier this time than the first time...stuff like that. I was (and sometimes still do) let BM take up too much space in my head. I look at her Facebook and compare me to her, how we are alike, how we are different. I wanted to be married first, like it was a stupid competition but in my head it was.

Your relationship is eerily similar to my own, we met at work, he was going through a bad bad time, (I swear she was seeing someone behind his back) we became friends and eventually got together. I saw how badly she treated him, how hard he tried to work it out and it made me want to show her how happy he could be, how I could give him what she couldn't. But in all honesty, these issues are our own. No one but myself put myself in this imaginary sense of competition with her. I've learned to let it go..but it took some time. I completely understand.

We all do...

I think a lot of the frustrations, worries, annoyances about the past are normal. You aren't nuts! What helps me is to talk to DH about it - I'm very lucky so have someone who is patient and understanding, even if sometimes he doesn't get why something upsets or bothers me or even if he's frustrated by having to go over the subject again. He acknowledges that, even if he doesn't get it, it's important to me and therefore we'll talk about it. The same goes for if he's upset about something that doesn't seem like a big deal to me. That being said, it really does help my fears or frustrations when we talk, and I can ask him how he is feeling about things - is it less exciting to get married to me or have kids with me because you've already done those things? is one of the ones I've asked a lot. I have trust in him and his word and so the reassurance that that isn't the case means a lot. It doesn't mean that it's always easy or I never have those worries (I *still* sometimes feel like I'm competing with BM) having that open line of communication helps so much - DH loves me, and even if she kept a cleaner house or knew more about a certain subject, I'm clearly better for my DH in the areas that matter most to him, otherwise he wouldn't be with me.

As far as your house situation goes, can they legally stay there without buying it? I'm not sure how equitable division for houses after a divorce works in your area (I've gathered that your DH and his ex both have their names on the house?) but if it's in the budget and they won't buy and your DH doesn't have enough power in the ownership to kick them out, maybe a lawyer would be something to look into. Have they given you any reason why they haven't bought the house?

And for SD12, have you tried offering your help if she's wandering aimlessly for her dad? Or does she still say "No thanks" to you and keep looking for him? If you haven't, maybe try opening the door in ways like that. If you have and it's not working, maybe try talking with DH and getting him to encourage her to ask you. Another thing that I've seen work in the past, when I was the SD, was if I had something to ask my SM, my dad would refuse to ask for me. He'd bring me to her and say, "Synaesthete has something to ask you, SM." and I would have to. Sometimes kids would just dig their feet in at that, I suppose, but I know it did help a little for me. It sounds like a lot of her issues with you may actually come from the baby - jealousy isn't uncommon in blended families. You just have to figure out the best way to address it. Maybe in her case, the answer would be to make sure she has a weekly, bi-weekly, monthly - whatever works for you guys - day or evening that she gets to spend one-on-one with her dad. It might help her remember he still loves her and hasn't forgotten about her, and by extension make the times when he needs to direct his attention elsewhere, like to the baby, she feels less of a need to try to interrupt.

Hang in there!

I agree with all the posts.. I feel the same. I'm sure we all do, it just takes guts to admit it out loud you shouldn't be ashamed, nobody here thinks your crazy. We all have to go thru it! Because my BFs ex/bm is such a crazy, money hungry, manipulative scank who screwed around.. And has dragged my bf thru a long divorce n drained his finances, he will probably be scared to re-marry.. He says all the time that he was so unhappy in his marriage with BM, and he is happy now, and wants to spend his life with me.. We talk about marriage and the future, he says he has "plans" for us.. Who knows lol.. I'm just so worried he will never want to get married.. I cannot have kids, so I'm already missing out on that huge joy with him.. And so many times I resent his BM, I love my bfs kids, but I wish a lot they were our kids, and not hers.. As horrible as that may sound.. She takes her family for granted.. And I love my BF and would love to have a child with him, but I cannot.. So I hope one day, we can at least be married.. I have made him happy, been by his side and help him with his kids.. So I deserve to have that.. We all do.. And hopefully your BF will see these things when u two marry.. Just remember, he is with YOU, not her! As for the skids, my BFs kids are young n love me, I feel for u, in time hopefully she will grow on you!

As for the jealousy thing...idk.. I know how u feel, I do! Funny thing is in my case, BM is the one stalking me on the internet!! She is jealous of me! The only thing I'm jealous of is that she got 3 kids out of my BF.. She is scum.. Jealousy is often what we feel, cause this person slept with our BF, has children with him, and at some point our BF was in love with them.. So I totally get how u feel!! But don't let it get to you.. Don't try to befriend the skids to make her jealous.. Just take your time, get envolved and get to know them! My BFs kids are 9,6 n 4.. I love them to pieces! 9 was the one that took a while.. He is the boy, other 2 are girls.. But they all adore me and respect me! And yes tho, the fact that BMs kids love me and ask about me 24/7 when they are with her.. Pisses her off and no, I don't love them to make her jealous! Honestly!! I love kids, and I love my BF, so obviously I love his kids.. But yes she hates it! And if we are at a function for the kids, and I'm there with BF, the kids are ecstatic when I get there and all over me! Hehe.. I guess it is funny..

I have no idea why so many think "18" is such a magical number.
A child turning 18 means nothing. Are you really under the illusion that once your partner's child turns 18, that the Ex will no longer be part of your life? Hon, people don't just *poof* go away when their kids hit their 18th birthday - if anything, there will be more reason to be around them due to college graduations to attend (if you're lucky!), weddings, showers, grandkids being born, grandkid's recitals, holidays and birthday parties for the grandkids...
Seriously?