No age is easier, each age provides its own challenges. I'm stepmother to two girls 2&3 and its not so easy. They do the usual thing of Daddy is mine, not yours. Same as the 14yr old probably does with your partner.

Explain to your partner what you see, as you WILL see what he doesnt. You both need to discuss what you feel are acceptable boundaries for the 14yr old. When you both know what to expect, then the 14 yr old will too. Kids crave boundaries, in a split family or a normal nuclear family. Hope this helps and keep strong.

I think his problem (from the little i know) is hes dealing with the guilt of not seeing her. That guilt nearly always comes out as over compensation. My FH did the same with his girls. It was only through reassuring him and talking to him (as much as i could without rocking the boat) that i managed to ease his guilt and show him that there is nothing he can do about the situation. When he realises that hes not doing his daughter or you any favours then things should get easier (but not perfect). This website helped me a little.

http://www.beingastepparent.co.uk/

There is unfortunately no magic answer as you know yourself. Except accepting the situation and trying to improve it if you can. If you can't then you have to think about your little boy and yourself.

I have a 12 year old sd... I have been her sm for almost 2 years and I can see a big change in her attitude. She knows how to play her father and it makes me so MAD! The SD knows exactly how to play the divorce situation. An what sucks it, I dont feel like I have the autority to get on to her. Sometimes she needs to be sent to her room and grounded due to the way she acts or because she is so lazy.

At least at the younger ages, hopefully, the attitude is not there and you can get them to do stuff.

I am beginning to wonder if my sd is not a lost cause. Just a lazy nasty girl who make me so mad!

I would think a younger child would be easier but this is just based on my experience. My SD's were 15 & 19 and it was (and still is!) a freakin' nightmare. Younger children usually are more adaptable to changes and haven't hit the raging hormones syndrome yet. That said, each age group seems to have its own set of problems.

IMHO,14 is the ickiest age. All three of my BDs and my SD went through this "coming out". My oldest BD23 was the worst, then my SD18. Right now the youngest is going through 14. She used to think I walked on water... not so much anymore... :?

Love, patience, guidance, consequences..... and consistency.

I don't think it's age that makes the difference. I think difference comes in the way BM & BD handle their parting ways & the attitudes that they hold toward each other, & the attitude they carry toward skids. Teenagers are old enough to understand more than a pre-schooler, but teenagers, in general, are very selfish people trying to figure out who they are & are stronger in their defiance. A preschooler will have a harder time understanding why things are the way they are. They will be more confused, & thus will have a harder time knowing what's appropriate & what isn't.

I think in your case, with SD's father not being part of her life until now, she's not sure what to expect from him or from you. It's going to be difficult for ALL of you. The fact that he has never been a disciplinarian in her eyes is going to make it harder for her to accept him as one now.

Like I said, there are things about children of all ages. I don't think that makes the difference so much as the life that child has lead up to this point. If she's not been taught to be respectful & pleasant, she won't be. I don't think it's fair or realisitc to expect her to be everything you expect her to be right off the bat.

You mention that you disagree with things she says to your BF. Does he disagree with those things as well? If so, HE needs to let her know. If it bothers you but not him, it's probably going to be one of those things you just have to leave alone. Not your kid...not your problem.

Maybe counseling for your FH & SD would be a good idea, being they're fairly new to each other. If he hasn't been in her life till now, there are bound to many issues & questions she's had through her years that they will need to deal with together. 14 is a very emotional & crappy age. (I wouldn't wish it on anybody.) Just being that age, she's dealing with a lot of things, in addition to bringing new people into her life. I really think that a counselor would be a benefit in helping SD sort through her issues & find answers to her questions with her dad.

younger is definitely easier ----- when dh & i first started sd5, ss2 --- now sd13 and ss10.....as much as i hated the younger days, these older ones aren't a joy ride.. but the older they are the faster they are out of the house and child support stops.....

"there has been mention that daughter thinks there is money around!"

Who, beside you, is mentioning this?

I don't think most 14 year olds are gold diggers - not yet.

I don't think FH being in contact with BM is going to ensure that there are no lies & that everything is okay. If she's been lying up to this point, she will continue to do so. It's up to FH to be honest with his daughter & help her cope with things. As she spends time with him, she will know him for who he is & she will be able to come to her own conclusions with the situation.

FH can talk with his daughter & if it matters to him what made her choose to contact him, he can ask. If she mentions money, he can clarify what she's been told. I'm sure she's wondered about him for years. I really doubt the money or news of marriage was what brought it all up.