Hey Wigcen - I have no advice for your situation, but you may want to post this as a general discussion blog so that more people see it, and can possibly give some insight.

Best of luck to you.

*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

My best advice to you would be to talk to him about it right now and let him know how you feel.

I am in the same kind of situation where my fiance lives and breaths his daughter and noone else. I am trying to get the courage to walk away from it as I just came home from work tonight to find him and hid 16 year old daughter cuddling on the couch yet again after he flipped out on my children.
As close as fathers and daughter are sometimes there is just to much and I am finding that no matter what you say or what you do you will never be as important or be able to get as much love from them as you deserve because they cant take their daughters off the pedistals the put them on.
And to be honest those are the guys who will spend their lives alone or spend them having their daughters living at home for ever playing the wife role for them

I'm guessing that some kind of emotional imbalance is happening here and there is a reason he is favoring some of his children over the others and you. It's really important that he knows how you feel about this and that you clearly communicate why you feel the way you do and what you expect to change. I've noticed that in these situations, the favoritism stems from guilt on the part of the dad. He probably feels guilt over not being with his daughter's mom and being responsible for them growing up in a "broken" home. Single and re-married dads often feel guilty and try to make up for it by showing favoritism to the affected children. It's not fair and it's not right, but it happens a lot. He probably doesn't have a clear perspective on his own behavior and treatment of his kids and doesn't realize that he is being unfair to them and you. He is actually doing his favored daughters a disservice because he isn't having high expectations of them and is showing them that he is okay with them having poor behavior and expecting more from their siblings. I would put money on him having massive guilt and that being the reason for his favoritism. The only thing you can do is to tell him how you feel and why and what you think and point out when you see unfair behavior. It's not okay for you or any of the kids to be emotionally neglected and he needs to hear about this from you. Also maybe start having family meetings and encourage all the kids to express their feelings directly to him. If he hears how they feel it might be a powerful motivator and will teach them how to communicate effectively in general and give everyone in your family a chance to have a voice and be heard. When I was a kid, we had nightly family meetings after dinner that we called "family round" and we had a rock that had "joy" carved into it and worry stone grooves and we passed it around. When a family member was holding the rock they had the floor and no one could interrupt them. Everyone got a chance to hold the rock and we had to say something positive about our day and something we were worried about and then everyone could respond and give advice and comfort. It made our family bond really tightly and was a great communication tool. My mom encouraged us to say how we felt using "I" words, rather than accusing others or telling people that "they" made someone feel a certain way. She was teaching good communication and it has stood me in good stead my whole life. H sometimes has a hard time verbalizing how he feels or even figuring out how he feels and I never have that problem.

Anyway, I think communication is key here and anything you can do to get everyone talking and let your husband know how his behavior is affecting you and your kids and how you feel will improve the situation. He needs to change his behavior and make sure that he is treating everyone in his family equally, but he won't know he needs to change until he hears how you feel and what issues you have. If necessary, you can get a counselor or a mediator to help get things going, but the dynamic is off and totally unfair to you and your kids and that should change.

That's my opinion! Hope it gets better and that things get more fair! Good luck!

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

Wigcen
I understand. My FH admits that his 5 yo daughter is his whole world and shows it. It hurts my feelings. It makes me want to say, "well if she's your WHOLE world then why am I even here."

I for one think that is very strange, to idolize your child? It sets up a weird dynamic where the adult is looking to the child for guidance, when the parent is supposed to provide that, dur!!!

I think you do need to have a serious conversation that you think his outlook is inappropriate and a disservice to his daughter and everyone who ever crosses her path, including her own husband.

I remember the day I did this to DH when we were getting serious, and he cried, because he did feel guilty over divorce and not being there daily for SD 10 at the time. But it is not in her best interest, which is what he claims to be concerned about. It was hard but it has to be done, for all of your own good.
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“Learn by practice.” - Martha Graham

I don't know if this will help but I'll give it a stab:

My wife died three years ago and I was left with my 8 year old daughter and 5 year old son. I remarried about a year ago and inherited another daughter 9.

My natural daughter and I are extremely close, my wife used to say I S*it her...which still makes me laugh. She speaks like me, has my sense of humor and loves to play golf like I do. My son does also and sometimes my wife would come but she could care less most of the time preferring instead to curl up with a good book in the bath tub.

Fast foward now...my new daughter does not like ANY sports, my new wife is trying them with me (which is cool). She says she is not jealous, but I have a nervous pit in my stomach that this will change over time.

You can't make a kid do things with you especially your step children, and 2nd wives...I don't know??? The 2nd time around is definitely different than the first.

I pray she doesn't try and cut my time with my children simply because her natural daughter doesn't want to DO anything...but I am not a believer and cow-towing to the lowest common denominator. I'll say for my wife now...she tries to participate a lot and I admire that, and/but will also say you are either first or second in his life. I don't know if things are different with a 2nd marriage because I WOULD HAVE NEVER CONSIDERED divorce with my first wife??? We had a very, very strong bond. 2nd marriages like step kids are a slower and tougher bond, especially later in life and especially if you married someone dramtically different than your first spouse.

I babbled...

That didn't help did it?

I think that our job as a parent is to guide our children in the best possible direction that we can lead them. Children most often learn by example so what we do and how we react to situations is so very important when they are watching. These parents let their kids raise themselves essentially by not having any rules or guidelines. The parents who who overindulge them show them that there are no limits to money spending and give a false impression of the real world. The parents with kids that rule the household only shows the kids how to be bossy, manipulative, overbearing people later on in life who have a hard time making friends and relationships. So how is this helping your child?????????? I told my boyfriend that his daughter would end up living at home for the rest of her life being a lonely old cat lady if her attitude didn't change. Seriously people.....

jojo68...

That is my ultimate nightmare...having my natural born kids get jobs, great grades, and/or a scholarship...and then have my sd still living at home with us because my wife doesn't have the guts to kick her in the ass and lets grandparents enable her.

It is a disease...

So very true....and the grandparents thing....that is a big part of the problem with my BF daughter is that her grandmother baby's her because she is the only grandchild and she doesn't want her to grow up. So as a result this an almost ten year old girl who is going on 6.

Sounds like he is overcompensating to me. I would ask him what mesage he thinks that sends his other kid (you know the one he had with you). My husband tried to do the ditch the wife thing and take his daughter on vacation once. Trust me it didn't go over well nor has it ever been forgotten.

Three words for ya sweet girl: BLENDED FAMILY COACHING. Your DH needs to learn how to do this right because it sounds like he's failing miserably.

My husband has been the same way with his daughter. We have been married for 5 years, his daughter is now 11, things have not changed. He has admitted to me that the reason he is like this is he feels guilty that he put the children through a divorce, plus she has a lot of mental problems, so he feels like he has to compensate. He feels insecure about himself as a person and as a parent to compound the issue. He sees the success of my children and feels jealousy. Maybe something like this is going on in his head? Maybe he feels guilty over the divorce & feels he has to compensate?

I WAS married to an indulgent, guilt parent father to his 9 year old daughter. We are now separated.

He entertained her from the moment he picked her up from school until she shut her eyes at night. At her whim, of course. Unless she was playing with her friends.

He would even read to her while she was in the bathtub.

He called her the same pet names that he would call me.

He made sure that he kept BM happy (for SD9) sometimes at my expense.

He would tell me that I was an important part of his life, but he rarely "showed" me. And when he did, it was during our "off" weeks, when SD9 was at her mother's. I used to "live" for those off weeks.

When we separated he said to me..."i worry for you, because I have SD9 and you have no one". He also said, "i have everything i need".

I tried for 3 years to wrap my life around his and SD9, waiting in the wings until he had time for me. He "never had my back".

I have learned, the hard way, that people "show" you who they are. I've learned that words are easy. I've learned that when people "show" you who they are, believe them, the first time. People rarely change. I had believed that I would grow into an elevated status with him. But I now know that would never have happened.

It was a hard lesson and a very painful lesson. Its still painful, every day. This man that I would have done anything for, who didn't reciprocate. He wanted a fair-weather wife. A "beck and call" girl. I couldn't do that. I lost myself.

And here I am now, rebuilding, regrouping....still living in the same house with them until it sells.

I wish you luck. Remember, this: learn to accept that your situation is the BEST its ever going to get. If you can't accept that, then move on.

Stepaside.....all of the stuff you mentioned is wonderful...I feel the same way you do...but my case is an extreme...to the point where nothing else matters in my BF life but keeping his daughter happy at the expense of everyone else. Just speaking for myself that is why it bothers me. I only have myself to blame for the situation because I was told very early on in the relationship that this girl was his reason for being and that she would always come first but I didn't realize the gap between first and second was so great.

You hit the nail on the head sista!

I'm in the same boat. I have 2 kids of my own and 3 step children. Out of my step kids there is only 1 that I dont mind being around and that is the 13 stepson. They are 15, 13, and 10. My SD is the 10 yr old and also my husbands "baby". He tells her all the time that she's his princess and does stuff for her and treats her differently than everyone else in the house. He buys her stuff and when i say its not fair to the boys his come back is "life's not fair". We cant go anywhere without her tryin to beat me to him to walk with him and hold his hand. She whines at bedtime cause she wants him to sleep with her. Its like she is trying to compete with me. I myself grew up in a broken home and I also had a Stepmother. Everytime I tried to hug my dad she got mad and rolled her eyes. I'm tryin so hard not to be like that. It is very hard. I'm at my wits end.

I'm going to say some very rough stuff here. My conscience will not allow me to simply stay silent. First, NONE of the "overly infatuateds" are going to change and ALL of you in one of those situations need to wake up and realize that THIS is not the best or even an adequate life for you. Why on earth are you "engaged" to a man who is completely pre-empted by his relationship with his daughter. You might as well be engaged to one of those guys serving life in the penitentiary. There is nothing but grief and sadness ahead in these relationships. Please save yourself. Walk now.

Second, and don't bother to flame me for this. I know what I am talking about by virtue of thirty years of professional practice. These guys are in love with their daughters. Actually, most of them are in love with their idea of their daughters, but the difference to you is immaterial. It is her that they enjoy, think about, get a thrill catering to, feel tender toward, etc. It is not about divorce guilt. Very likely their inappropriate acting out of their romantic feelings toward their daughters played a prominent part in the disintegration of their previous marriage. You are there for camouflage, and for self-reassurance that they are normal. They are not. You are being used as a prop. Most of them, one hopes, will not act out their romantic feelings sexually, but all of them will fantasize about it, and too many of them will attempt it. You are the raw carrot in their fridge. She is the dessert that calls to them in their sleep. On some level these girls intuit this, and use it to maintain some power and to keep hold of the only form of love from him that they know. It's a poisoned toxic dynamic that screws up the daughter's ability to have sound wholesome relationships for life, whether or not actual sex acts are happening. Run, do not walk. You cannot save her. You cannot change him. You can make a real life for yourself where you, not a child, are the love object. There is no excuse good enough for staying in such a relationship. He wants her.

I'm convinced there is no black and white here. But many shades of grey. I agree with Christie. I think some of these men have a fucked up sense of their own sexuality, coupled with unrealistic love for their daughters. Again, shades of grey, the extreme of which would be pedophilia.

Hi,everyone!Brand new member,but been reading here for quite some time.I do not have kids or skids,but almost married on 2 different occasions,a man with a daughter (2 completely diffent men),and both times failed (I bailed out) exactly for same reasons,the BM drama,spoiled entitled daughters,who act like the wife,wimpy fathers,guilt parenting,etc,and of course,putting me last on the list.I can go on,but reading these forums has opened my eyes and described these men's actions to a tee.As a result,when I meet a man and he says he has a daughter,I RUN immediately.It is the same for most men in the world,I'm originally european,although in europe men to seem to care more about MARRIAGE first,at least in my experience.
Kristie's post is what made me join....You have hit the nail on the head!!I couldn't put my finger on explaining situations I was dealing with,and now I can.
Me and my girlfriends discuss this all the time,and when they meet a man with a daughter,it's usually the same outcome.My gf's are same as me,successful,independent,and these fathers get super clingy and weird,which makes the girls run too.Funny,it's not the same when it's a son.
Here's my dilemma,maybe Kristie can help a bit more with this....
1.Why are these men attracted to single,childless,successful independent carreer women with assets,so often?Is it because they want someone stronger than themselves?Or are they jealous of their independence and live through them?They look at that woman as masculine?
2.Why do these men put their new wives last on the list?What's the real reason?Or is it because they just don't want to be lonely and have a sex partner,as in have and eat their cake?Have a ready made family,where they can't have sex and just shamelessly need someone to fill in the void?
3.Or do they flatter themselves by having all these women fighting over them,by being in the middle (a daughter is still female)?Makes them feel desirable and wanted?
I also noticed that some men who let their daughters dictate their lives,have trouble carrying out strong friendships with other men and are a little feminine themselves,but not all of them.My father was never this way with me,and treated me like a child,not a wife (brrr),but then,there are no divorces in my entire family.
I know that everyone is different and cannot be put in the same category,but there must be some similar general traits.I've read tons of psychology books and talked to many people,but would like to hear an opinion of a professional.Please!I'm genuinely curious.
Thank you in advance!

It doesn't end at 18. SD is now 35, married with 2 kids. I have 3 kids, all adults now also, I have been married to DH for 11 years, together for 18. SD has always been the priority, with money, with time and attention. Now we have grandchildren. 5on my side, 2 from SD. And so it continues to the next generation. My DH was great with my grandaughters if they were here alone, ignored my grandson and did not want stepgrand over. Had a strained relationship with my oldest son, distant with middle son and cordial relationship with my daughter. (also tries to buy her but always in lesser amounts than SD) Recently DH told my DIL not to come over. She had expressed to me her youngest son was feeling he was treated differently. DH stepped in after DIL and I had worked out a solution. He also had issues with son purchasing car from us. Reniged on agreement, stating we needed to keep it as backup. My son responded by blocking both of us from grandchildren, stating his SD treated him like s**t all his life and was not going to do it to his kids. If his grandaughter was here he would take her aside from other kids to play with her. Not socialize with anyone but his daughter the whole night. He asked 1 wk after reniging on sons agreement to purchase car if his daughter could buy it. ( No money of course) I said no. Then while I was out he gave it to her. (borrow for a trip) Shes been back from trip over a week, still no car back. Im selfish for wanting it back. Grandaughter likes the DVD player and it fits her family. Couldn't she just keep it for short trips.( It's a touring van) Meanwhile I am disabled but still working to pay for everything. He is retired on a fixed income. Also, if we get in a fight, he now sleeps at her house and confides in her

Click on this link..

http://goodmenproject.com/families/youre-not-your-daughters-handsome-pri...

Print it out and give it to your idiot DH to read. Some men don't realise that they are actually harming their daughters by behaving this way. They are emotionally stunting their growth. My DH was one of these - hell, his 11 year old daughter wouldn't go to sleep unless he sang to her... or she had to be sleeping with him! Fucking pathetic! Trust me, if I tried doing that to my Dad.. I'd be in my grave today.

My DH used to spoil and be way over the top with his daughters, especially the youngest one. It got to the point where I was blunt with him and said it was "kind of creepy" and he backed off from the clingyness big time. Now he has always been very attentive and affectionate to me. I think he does fantasize about me sexually. He has a lot of nude pictures of me and things like that, likes to buy me clothes he wants to "see me in" etc and I really don't believe he's "in love" with his kids like that...When we had our son together it all became clear. He loves babies. When i think back on his weird behavior toward SD5, it was always him babying her. He would even spoon feed her at 4 years old! he's been very resistant to her "growing up." Whenever we saw a cute baby at the mall or whatever he would get all smiley and want to talk to it/hold it. He gets the same way around puppies and kittens. I think some men just have baby fever but our society is so conditioned that loving babies and cute animals is a "woman" thing, that it's weird to us. He started crying when our baby was born and literally will not put our son down when he's home. I don't know if this helps the OP but I'm offering an alternative explanation for overly clingy dads beseides "he wants to fuck his daughter." Yeah I think some men are like that, but not most of them.