Nasty day
I'm a lawyer in NY, I work full time and usually work very long hours when the stepkids aren't around. DH is also a lawyer. We have the stepkids half the time. DH's ex does not work.
Last night, I said something about how I am happy at the cleaning job our new housekeeper did -- she comes once a week and basically does damage-control cleaning of the mess that is our home. SD5 informed me in a haughty tone, "When I am an adult, I will pick up my own mess and not need a cleaning person to do it." I told her--in a nice tone-- that she'll see how she feels when she works full time.
This morning, DH left our bed and spent the morning cuddling in bed with SD5. I woke up, started cooking (it is a snow day here in NYC and we are all working from home) and set the table. I asked DH to grab some napkins, and when he left the table SD5 informed me that I should pay DH because he is doing my job.
I'd had it. I responded in a definitely bitchy tone that DH should pay me, because I do most of the work around the house, cooking and cleaning, and that in a family everyone should pitch in, not just one person. She said something dumb and snotty back and that I don't remember. DH backed me up, sort-of, repeating to SD that it isn't my job and everyone should help.
When we asked everyone to help clean the table, SD5 said she didn't make a mess and wouldn't do it. DH told her she had to, and she did.
When I talked to DH about this, he said I am too sensitive and she is a kid, and I need to watch my tone when I talk to her because I should be teaching her, and not just getting indignant and furious. I guess he is right, in a vacuum, but how does one manage these feelings? I want to lunge across the table and toss her cereal bowl in her face! It is so hard.
All I have to say is "oh
All I have to say is "oh hell no!" I put up with a lot from my bf's daughter but she is not nasty to me like that. Your SD's reactions are totaly disrespectful and you should not put up with that and you are fully warranted in feeling the way you do.
She may be a kid but she's
She may be a kid but she's old enough to know when she's being a snot. Sounds like BM is teaching her that a woman's place is in the home. That would seriously tick me off. And why is it just your job to teach her? He should be teaching her these things too. I think what you said WAS teaching, granted a nicer tone probably would have been better but you said exactly what I would have. Men are so oversensitive when it comes to their daughters. They seem to think that SD's can say whatever the hell they want to us & we're supposed to take it but as soon as our voices raise, they rush to protect poor baby from the mean nasty lady that snaps at princess.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
exactly -- and then it
exactly -- and then it creates resentment between dh & me, because i feel so misunderstood. argh.
"They seem to think that
"They seem to think that SD's can say whatever the hell they want to us & we're supposed to take it but as soon as our voices raise, they rush to protect poor baby from the mean nasty lady that snaps at princess."
SM008, you took the words right out of my mouth, er, keyboard, that is! In my case, same goes for DH; he can be as nasty & rude to me but when I turn the tables, he flips out. Like father, like daughter I suppose.
Consider it a win that you
Consider it a win that you didn't toss the cereal bowl in her face!!! Your dh is right that you should watch your tone, but sometimes it will slip out. My guess is that if he addressed it more immediately (in which ever way / tone he chooses) you wouldn't have to.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I speak to the little
I speak to the little Creature in whatever tone I choose. She is almost 6 and she understands what "disrespect" means. If she is going to be rude to me, she'll get treated the same way in return. I tell her all the time she isn't my responsibility and I don't HAVE to do anything for her, including cleaning up after her.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
What a "mouth" for such a
What a "mouth" for such a young girl of only five years of age! OMG!
Sounds like your dh is putting you second to his daughter now too for some reson. He should never defend such behaviors. Never.
I have to ask...How did you refrain from turning the table over?
Kudos to your patience!
Good luck,
yeah, i agree. the sad
yeah, i agree. the sad thing is that instead, i had a quick conversation with DH (where he said that it is my fault, basically, because i use a mean tone with them) and then i came upstairs and cried. which is what i'm doing now, while they play in the snow. what a nice live i've chosen for myself!
thanks. yeah, i am getting
thanks. yeah, i am getting the feeling that she is becoming the mean girl in school, too. DH really, really doesn't see this. he thinks she says these things in an innocent, child-like tone. that is NOT true, and i'm kind of amazed that he doesn't notice it. she has this really nasty glare that she gives when she delivers her lines (particularly this morning about how i should pay him) and nothing in the world could convince me that she is innocent. it is not a good sign for the future -- this kid is only 5!!! what kind of child is so mean at 5???
there are jealousy issues going on, too. dh and i never have time together due to our crazy jobs and schedules, and when we do i feel like he is totally exhausted, and so am i...so it is really hard to feel like a united unit with him, and when the kids arrive i feel resentful that they are in our space, taking up the very limited non-working time that we have. it really irks me that he is so animated and focused on them when they are here, but practically dead when we are alone.
and definitely her mother is teaching that a woman's place is in the home. i think it is great to choose to stay home -- i really do -- but i think it should be a CHOICE, and not something that you believe is the only option.
He's gonna have to wake up
He's gonna have to wake up and smell the bullshit or he'll be dealing with a punk when she's older. It can be changed but it should be done while she's young.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
You aren't alone. I have a
You aren't alone. I have a bully, mean, condescending 5 yo too. Fortunately, my dh does see it and realizes that she is on the path to be like her Wingnut mother. He does address it. She thinks since her MOMMY sits on her ass all day that dh and I should cater to her every whim even though we're supposed to be working.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
seriously, WHAT THE HELL
seriously, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED that taught these little kids to act like this? I don't remember anything from 5 except for my strawberry shortcake dolls, but I am SURE that I didn't act like this toward adults. No way.
it's interesting, because dh's exwife is also extremely passive aggressive, and i guess that's the path sd has adopted.
dh's wife has 4 more years on the dole, and then she's going to have to figure out how to support herself. that will be interesting.
I totally agree, and I'm
I totally agree, and I'm worried that he is going to blame me! He really thinks she is an angel, and that she's only mean "in response" to me. He thinks, for example, that she was only nasty this morning after I responded to her in a bitchy tone -- he thinks she was "joking" about how I should pay him. Seriously. Why would a 5 year old make such a mean joke? He says I'm too sensitive and that she doesn't realize it was mean. Could that be true? I'm so confused.
I always say this, but I am the ONLY person in my friend group with kids. In NYC, the married with kid people don't mix much with the singles, and I'm definitely in the singles group, so I have no good advice on parenting (much less step-parenting) and I don't know what is normal 5 year old behavior. FOr that reason, I'm always second-guessing my instincts and it's easy for DH to make me feel like i'm overreacting. Am I?
From now on, slam her in a
From now on, slam her in a sickening-sweet, sing-songy voice. "Honey, it's not just my job to clean the house. Both your father and I work full time jobs. Now don't you think you should get off your lazy little ass and throw that away just like I told you?" Did you see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix? Remember the new headmaster - I can't think of her name. The way she talked very sweet but the words were evil? That's the route to go, and then he can't say your tone was bad.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
I haven't seen it, but the
I haven't seen it, but the kids LOVE hp, so that's going in the queue!
And that's just it. Her tone is sweet, but the undercurrent is mean. How does a 5-year old learn this? We don't do this in our family??? I don't think her mom does it, either (her mom is just outright mean). Is this from school?
Then maybe your dealing with
Then maybe your dealing with the little girl from "The Bad Seed". (yeah, I watch too many movies) Ugh! I don't know if I could stand this.
My SD9 does this sometimes. She will argue with me and defy me about something but once her father comes into the room, she's Little Miss Innocent. THe other day, I told her to take a shower, and she didn't want to, she wanted me to make my daughter take it first. So, a few minutes went by and her dad came back upstairs, so I told her again to take a shower. Then she speaks up "I was just going to ask you if I should go ahead and take a shower. You read my mind." LOL!! I started to light into her about it, but my husband put his hand up and told us he had heard the entire conversation. LOL!! He told her that better not happen again and he knows she was not innocent and to stop acting like it.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Dolores Umbridge... yeah,
Dolores Umbridge... yeah, I'm a dork.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Ahh, that's it! It was on
Ahh, that's it! It was on the tip of my memory. I'm an idiot to not realize I had my computer to look up stuff like that right here at my fingertips.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
The google is your
The google is your friend
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
How long have you actually
How long have you actually been married?
I do know the feeling of being alone with your husband and staring at each other thinking, "Oh, how have you been lately?" ( it's like you have to "come" down after the kids.)
WOW!! Yikes!! Take this
WOW!! Yikes!! Take this little 5 year old outside and "PLAY" in the snow!! I think that will teach her to pop smack!
"And this too shall pass..."
you know, this is what i
you know, this is what i should've done -- i bet a few hard smacks with a snowball and i'd be feeling great now.
2 years of marriage. they
2 years of marriage. they are with us part-time (every other weekend, 2 weeknights a week). I think a lot of the "no married friends" issue is lifestyle (my friends tend toward the wild, going out late until the wee hours crowd) and while I haven't been doing that for years (sad, sad) I still see those friends for dinners, drinks...and they are my "real" friends. I am friendly with a few of the parents of kids that my skids play with, but it is totally different. They are generally a lot older than I am and I think they can't really relate to me (I'm not young, but DH had kids when he was 26 which is EXTREMELY young in NYC and so the parents are usually around 10 years older than us -- also the parents are typically friendly with dh's ex-wife, who hates my guts).
Update: Kids are leaving now
Update: Kids are leaving now (thank god) to go to mom's house. They dumped all their snow stuff (boots, inner tubes, towels, etc) on the floor of our foyer. DH said, "don't worry -- I'll clean this all up when I get back from taking them home." I replied in a sweet voice, "Thanks, honey!" SD5 says, "Daddy, you said you need to do work when you get home." DH will say that she is just repeating what he said and that I'm being overly sensitive. I agree, in a vacuum, SD's comment could be innocent. BUT, as usual, my take is that it is just another link in the chain of her implying that I work for her and that it is MY job to pick up their wet, snowy stuff.
Please, tell me honestly -- am I overdoing it here?
The funny thing is that I
The funny thing is that I know for a fact that BM in the past did absolutely nothing. She has never worked, and when DH lived with her they had a FULL time nanny even though BM didn't work! The nanny cooked and cleaned, and BM just sat around, getting her nails done and going to the gym. Before the nanny DH would come home at midnight and there would be no food around for him to eat so he'd wind up eating take-out alone while everyone slept or watched TV (a good recipe for a failed marriage, in my mind). Now, DH and I have schedules where we work a lot, but we wait to eat together whenever possible, at least.
DH got slammed with support, of course, but BM definitely doesn't net enough to have full time help anymore AND to not work. She opted for not work, so I know she let her full time help go. She does have plenty of money for someone once or twice a week. Her argument about not working to the court is that she is going "to school." Apparently this means one class, once a semester. Great example for her kids.
I would remind the little
I would remind the little cherub that her daddy pays her mommy every month to take care of her and that he doesn't pay you to do it.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
i would love to say that.
i would love to say that. he'd murder me, though.
I do it all the time.
I do it all the time. Creature is under the impression that mommy can't cook / clean or whatever else because she is so tired because she has to work. BULLSHIT. I work too and I cook everyday. And my house is spotless (because I have OCD real bad). And then the she thinks it is okay to be rude to me and tell me how great her mother is because she takes her places and buys her things. No way. I let her know that mommy can do those things because daddy works very hard to give mommy money. I can't wait until alimony ends and mommy is homeless.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
Mich811...OMG YOU ARE ME
Mich811...OMG YOU ARE ME (except I don't live in NYC but I do live in NY). I'm also a lawyer, but my BF isn't (he's blue-collar). BF has 2 kids (SD15 & SS12) from his previous marriage to BM. We've been together for over 6 years, living together for 2. I'll be damned if I marry him and she EVER tries to take him back to court for more CS. We share true 50/50 joint custody with BM - skids live with us 4 days/week, for God's sake! Yet, as you know, NY law considers the "breadwinner" parent as the "noncustodial parent" for purposes of CS, so since BM was lazy & didn't work when they divorced, BF got stuck paying her lazy ass $1,500/mo. to sit home & do, well, whatever BM's do when they're living off their kids CS.
Your BM is exactly like my BM. Never worked, always depended on BF, his money, etc... She "went to school" when they divorced - which consisted of failing out of community college the 1st semester to become a nurse (FYI - she was pregnant at 17 & dropped out of high school and got her GED years later, because BF basically told her he needed her to get some type of job to help him support skids). BM then went to one of those technical schools (BOCES) to get enough hrs. to take some kind of NYS Licensing exam to be a nurse (I suppose an LPN, not an RN). That entire technical school thing took her almost 2 years and she just got a job last year (at 42 yrs. old) at a nursing home - and she only works when she feels like it (SS12 tells me that BM tells him "don't answer the phone when mommy's job calls because they're calling me to come to work and I hate it there."). Can you imagine if she knew he tells me these things?? lol
Back to you (sorry)...your SD5 needs to be set straight RIGHT.A.WAY - and it needs to be done by your DH!! I'm sorry, but if this doesn't get nipped in the bud now, it'll be a million times worse when your skids are my skids' age (teen years are hard for EVERY parent, whether a bio or a step).
When I met my BF, skids were SD9 & SS6 - and they NEVER, EVER spoke that way to me. They certainly weren't angels, either, but they always respected adults. Your SD5's statements were UNACCEPTABLE, no iffs, ands, butts...or bullsh*t excuses by your DH.
You are 100% right about where your SD5 gets her statements from - a 5 year old doesn't have enough "life experience" to form opinions like that!! They are being "planted" in her head by BM, I'm sure (although probably can't be directly proven) - like little "seeds" this is how the BM's are major PASinators and begin to try to destroy ANY relationship SD5 has with you.
How do you know that your BM hates you (she directly told someone this)? Or do you just know from overall experiences with her that you've had to deal with? I'm absolutely certain in your case that she's probably majorly jealous - miserable in her own life & hates that you have what she lost. In comparing her life with yours, she's probably very intimidated by you & all you are - and it kills her. So she uses her passive-aggressive crap to try to come between you & DH (and between you & SD5). Don't let her - don't give her ANY power or ANY control in your life (this is what she is seeking). God, why can't people just play nice in the sandbox?? lol
Anyway, I think you & I may likely have A LOT in common. I, too, have no friends that have ever dated a man that has been married before, nevermind had kids with someone else (my BF is the first man I've ever dated with this situation). This is why I went out to find a site like this and ST has been a godsend for me ever since!! Stepparenting and dating a divorced guy is certainly one of the most difficult things I've ever experienced (although at many times it's also so rewarding, hence why we're together)...and I've been through QUITE a bit of difficult things in my life (NY Bar Exam, law school, heart surgery, death of both parents & a sister, etc...), as you probably have, too!!
Stay strong Mich811!! If you ever want someone local to "compare notes" with - I'm here!! Good luck & let us know how it goes.
I think that these dads have
I think that these dads have no clue when it comes to their daughters. He doesn't hear the remarks or innuendos that come out of their mouths. Thankfully my sd is 13 and she is gone in a few years. I couldn't take it if she was 5 and saying these things to me. Personally, I would start having lots of chores for that one now, she needs to understand that their is a shared family responsibility. Good luck.
I agree, I mentioned the
I agree, I mentioned the chores thing. He agrees...but doesn't act on it, and the result is nothing happens. I'm going to mention it again tonight.
And for "not hearing..." absolutely. At breakfast she said she didn't want to bring her dishes to the sink (where I was washing/loading dishwasher) because she said "I didn't make this mess." DH said, "YES you did, now go bring your plates over." When I mentioned this to him about 2 hours later (to make my point that she was, in fact, being fresh again today), he totally forgot the entire exchange -- he still has no memory of it. Sometimes I wonder if I am going insane, or dreaming when I am awake???