Hi. I am new to this forum, and pretty new to forums in general. So please bear with me.

I have come to the point where I know that I need to communicate with other step parents and get some perspective.

I don't know all of the slang here, so I may be writing out more than necessary, again, please bear with me. What I do know is that I need to find a way to discuss topics and issues with others, to know that I am not alone in some of these feelings. My fiance (who is also the BF of my two SS's, so I'll refer to him as BF) is very supportive of me, but he doesn't and hasn't gone through this to understand it and I need to be able to discuss with others who have been there.

I met my BF about 2 years ago, I was in my mid 40's, single with no children. I had previously been married for five years, and had been on my own again for five years. He was in his mid 30's, separated and had two toddlers. I am an advocate of having time after ending a relationship to get back a balance, and if we hadn't fallen so hard, so fast ... well, we ended up together and I don't feel I can change that.

We have some extraordinary stressors, but nothing we haven't been able to get through. He was laid off shortly before his separation, and then was diagnosed with cancer. When I met him he was mid-way through chemo he is currently cancer (and chemo) free. Because of the timing on these events, he and bm had decided to not proceed with divorce so that he would still be insured. As a matter of fact, when I met him they were still living in the same residence, just in different parts of the house. From what I saw, he was the primary care-giver for his two sons. BF and BM had already decided that they wanted to do shared 50/50 custody of the boys, and that it was important for the two of them to stay friends. Since that time, BM moved into her own apartment and bf has moved in to my house (our house now) with me.

Four months ago I was down-sized from my job of 12 years and I am currently looking for employment. BF is also still looking for employment. Finances are tough, but we're scraping by. We have the boys 50% of the time and we pay for 50% of their day-care and education costs.

So, that, in a very large nut-shell, is where I'm coming from.

Some of the issues that I will be needing to discuss have to do with acceptable behavior and expectations regarding the boys and BM. I love the boys like they were my own, but I also know that I am not their BM and I won't do any thing to try to lessen or weaken their relationship with her. I see no reason why love and guidance should be limited to coming from two parents, and I know that the boys have more than enough love to share. I've never been a SM before and I haven't known many SM's, I don't want to step on toes, but I also don't want to be walked all over like the back door mat. It feels like the majority of times that my BF and I have issues, disagreements or intense stress it's due to BM. We can discuss and work out our other issues, even if it comes to agreeing to disagree, and we seem to follow the same thought patterns when it comes to the boys. But when it comes to BM, I generally feel that I am always going to have to suppress my feelings, wants and needs, and I find myself getting more stressed than I should, losing patience and becoming resentful. I don't like myself much when I'm feeling negative thoughts, so I need to find a way to work through them, even if it's just to hear that I am not alone and I am not being unreasonable.

Okay, enough for now. You will find that I tend to be verbose. Sometimes that's good - sometimes that's bad. But it is what it is, and it is what I am.

Thanks.