Talked to DH Last Night About OSD and Vendetta
I talked to DH last night about OSD and her issues with me. I told him what my therapist said that his daughter and I will never have anything more than a SUPERFICIAL relationship. I told him that he opened up a can of worms telling her personal things about our relationship years ago that should have never been brought up and because of that, I am paying a heavy price for it. I told him I really don't want to ever see her in person again but if he forces that on me, I will be civil but will not allow her to talk down to me or disrespect me. If he won't stand up for me in her presence, basically I will call her out in public and he can deal with my anger at the time. I won't hold back on what I have to say to her and won't care if I cause a scene. Having said that, he knows our marriage is at a very rocky point and now he's asking me if he should leave. Hmmmm....
My DH honestly thinks when some time passes everything between his oldest daughter and I will work itself out. What an idiot! It's been 2.5 years and I haven't seen the abuse end yet. She is always back and forth on passing judgment on me like she is Jesus Christ or God Almighty. My husband's own mother and father (who are divorced) want nothing to do with this daughter so I asked him why I can't join their ranks and he just go visit his daughter ALONE for that quality Daddy and me time she seems to want.
I don't think it's right she is making assumptions about the quality of my marriage, doubting our love for one another, etc. and making statements I'm not allowed to grieve my deceased husband at times or maintain relations with my deceased husband's family given my 9 year old is alive and well and lives with me, his only surviving parent. I just sense that my DH wants to continue avoiding the problem and not get out of his comfort zone. That's fine. I told him I'm divorcing his daughter and if he keeps allowing this kind of behavior from any of his children towards me, he'll probably be next. I have a lot of health problems and just want to get well. I can't get well with added stress and an un-supportive husband. He acts like he's made lots of sacrifices being married to me but I don't see them. I made his life financially better and his kids are making mine an emotional hell unless they stay away from me. I just don't want to be burdened with them anymore.
I do enough fake meals and events with the stepchildren I am more tolerant of but it's hard to put me in a room with someone who's never liked me from the get go and let me endure constant criticism. I think OSD truly doesn't like herself and takes it out on others. Here she looks like Barbie, has all this money, drives a BMW 328i, runs her own business, children, a nanny, etc. and it's never enough--period.
I think my husband expecting time to form a friendship between his daughter and I is totally unrealistic. We have little in common other than him so why bother? I do have a photo of the sanctimonious ass aka PRECIOUS as someone phrased my OSD if anyone would like to see it. You can private message me and I'll send you the link.
I know in time my hurt and anger will die down but for now I really just want my husband to be in the background of my life as I'm very disappointed in him. I told him that we females are emotional beings and things just don't always roll off our backs like they do a man's. We have to lash out, talk it out with friends, mull it over, cry, rage, whatever and then it comes to an end. DH knows just by looking at me this isn't going away overnight. It will be a constant battle in our marriage. I've tried being peacemaker and all I got was hurt.
eyes2blue68 I just read your
eyes2blue68 I just read your story and can somewhat (in a few areas, a lot) to your story here.
I too was widowed over two and a half years ago to my first husband. My son and I found him dead one cold morning, lying on the floor. He had rebound with cancer. It destroyed us both for almost a year (I drank a bottle of wine at least everyday. Our son turned in to a "cutter.") We both cried for help everywhere and finally BOTH recieved help at my local Unitarian Universalist org. Grief really never goes away, but we can try to move on and heal "inside."
Two years later...I am married again, and now (pregnant), this was after I was convinced I was a curse. (lost all but 2 relatives since 2003) My point breifly is this, life goes on and they are never "gone." Really they are not. You have every right to grieve and honor your late husband and as a father- he deserves that.
I set that clear right off before marrying. It wasn't like my husband had to compete with the "ghost" of my late. Being a widow at 33 was rough. Today I look back and see "the plan that was in store for us both.)
As far as not having to visit, you have that right too. Do not put up with any abuse...Please! I mean that from the bottom of my mended heart!!!
Love and Light!
MWC
Otherwise intelligent men
Otherwise intelligent men are capable of being so blind when it comes to their adult daughters. That your husband thinks it will all will work out over time is so naive as to be silly. It does not work out. It gets entrenched.
My first husband also died. We never had children, but as his first wife had died, I became a step mother. His children were young when we got married and we had the usual problems but became close over the years. Today, 8 years after his death, my step daughter is 40 years old and one of the closest people to me.
I remarried 4 years ago. My current husband had adult children so I did not foresee the problems that awaited me. I thought that I knew how to be a step mom. Nothing can prepare you for the toxicity of an adult step daughter who hates you from the minute she meets you. After 4 years of being excluded, treated with rudeness and disrespect, I finally confronted her. I told her that while in my home I expected a baseline of decent behaviour. She went ballistic, said her relationship was with her father, not me and that I was controlling and obnoxious. She has not spoken a word to me since. She phoned our house at Christmas. When I answered, she hung up.
In the face of this, my husband actually thinks that time will make things better. In fact, time only re-enforces the current situation.
Finally, my husband wrote to her to say that the views I voiced were joint and that he should have raised them himself. I am happy that he finally got off the fence, but I do not see anything changing with her.
The only good thing is that the other adult skids have seen her behaviour and actually tried to be nicer to me. So, I guess she did me a favour.
Bottom line for you: don't expect change. Figure out how to live with the situation.
My best wishes to you.
Yeah it's tough. I don't
Yeah it's tough. I don't expect things to change but it blows me away my DH just looks at things through rose colored glasses. He has one son who hasn't been a part of his life for 3.5 years, still calls him occasionally almost begging to be a part of his life and gets the same result every time--no contact back. I feel it's my God given right to pick and choose who I will be closest to in my life. I'm 41 years old and grown, on my own, not some 6 year old living at home where my parents weed out who they think are negative influences in my life. I've learned over the years who is TOXIC to me and to avoid those kind of people at all costs. Yes this OSD has hated me from BEFORE she even met me given she put ugly comments about me on her brother's myspace page prior to ever meeting me in person. I too got the "I don't need your approval to have a relationship with my Dad." attitude. Fine, she can have that relationship but I don't want to be part of it. Sure it hurts my DH but either way until he teaches his daughter I'm to be respected, if I'm around her he is the ultimate loser. He will have two unhappy grown women in his presence and can't dodge that bullet if he insists I be in her presence. We've all had that uncomfortable silence and it's not pleasant. I'm perfectly content as long as her name isn't mentioned and he's not insisting we go visit her or visit her when she comes to our town. Distance is a good thing. With OSD being 3.5 hours away it's not like I have several visits a month to deal with. She has a life as do I and my DH and on that rare occasion we have a free weekend he can go see her without me and I'll spoil my little boy rotten in the meantime.
***** Follow me on my blog! Me (41). DH (54). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.