There is absolutely no way I would leave my home. This is telling BM that she still has control over your Ex, and that she can even push you out of the picture if she wants.

Granted I think this is a discussion that should be between DH and BM...but if they choose to have it in your home, then they have to get over the fact that YOU will be IN it. If they don't like it...go elsewhere.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

I too live in the house that Truelight and the Wookie bought together. It sucks, yeah, but it's mine now! Truelight and I have put a lot of work into making it OURS.

If The Wookie EVER demanded that I couldn't stay in my own home (I don't care if it was once hers), I would go a little crazy. Instead of keeping out the way, I would be in the room with Truelight listening to the discussion. I am responsible for those kids 50 percent of the time, you better believe I have some say about what goes on in my house.

______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

Since the house is 3 stories ( next time grab a book and go to another level), Since you already agreed, today: I would TELL DH I would leave for a certain period of time say "three hours" that should be plenty of time to have a family conference. I sure would NOT allow her to "SET THE TERMS"

I would wait until she arrives ( before you leave) and >> "speak to her", and kindly say :

I realize you both need to discuss the childen, and some issues, that don't concern me at the present time. I am going to catch up on errands and shopping etc. While your here..
I will be gone approximately, 3 hours. I am hoping you can settle/resolve the issues at hand in that time frame.
This is our home now, and I will not be put out of my home, each and every time you need to have a family conference. But since I agreed this time.. I will do it this "one time". I hope you understand( use her name) where I'm coming from, because you would feel the exact same way , if you were in my position. (smile)
So out of respect to my husband,and your family, I will leave for this short period of time, because I have errand to run anyway. I will be returing about( tell them the time) you plan on coming back.
And also mention there's coffee or drinks, that "YOU left for them"... and to help themseves to what they would like refreshment wise.

You want be kind and make the teens feel welcomed. NOT Particularly her. LOL But for the children. You should try to be nice to their mother, even if you HATE HER. She is their Mother & always will be. remain Classy, above her level.... don't allow her to get you upset. IF she see's that she upsets you, she wins.(if thats her game) Just stay calm, smile..like NOTHING Bothers you. That will really get her Goat !! More then she seeing you getting upset..Once you do ( get upset)..she will KNOW how to Push your buttons
NEVER show her your upset..That is more likely to get her upset LOL
believe me it works..

Since you're a VERY NEW WIFE, I probably would stay out of the MIX right now. WHY are the teenagers falling apart?

I could also see him keeping the house so the Teens have the home they lived in most of their lives.(if thats the case) But once their of age. I probably would "SELL" and start Fresh!!
But depends on a lot of major things.. especially the DEED and Mortgage LOAN!! Read below...I am serious about this. I recently had a friend this happened too.
She lived with a Man for 8 years, he bought a House only in his name. Then they married. He never changed the deed or Loan. They were married 5 years. He unexpectedly died 3 yrs ago. Guess what?? His adult kids came with Lawyers and TOOK the house.. because he failed to add her to the "deed" and will and did NOT refinance the loan, adding her to the loan. The (Kids) were intitled too daddy's house. Which put Dorothy OUT on the street ( homeless now) and she fought it, costing her thousands she really didn't have & still lost , since the house was DADDYS before he Married Dorothy!!

Also when my husband died I refinanced to get him off the LOAN and deed. WHY you may ask?? Because IF (say) I remarried and we lived there & I died.. My daughters would be entitled to daddys HALF of the house.50% even though he is dead. By refinancing I am SOLE Owner and "IF" and when I remarry. This house 50% or more, will go directly to My children. Unless I state it is shared by them all, in a Will or trust ,OR ADD my NEW husband to the DEED.(quick claim him on ) I wouldn't want the man I loved thrown on the street.
As for it being your home? Is your named added to the Deed? ( use a quick claim deed, 15.00 any office supply and file it with the court)
Did he refinance it to get the EXWife OFF the loan and deed. Because if he hasn't refinanced it she is STILL on the Original LOAN, that is the ONLY way someone is REMOVED is to REFINANCE IT ( do it now with obama's deal if it hasn't been done) ( unless of course he bought it buy himself before he married her.)Then in most states it would go to his kids.
Sounds like "THEY" bought the house originally, as husband & wife? and God forbid "IF" he died, Guess what, She could fight you an win half that house. Putting YOU OUT on the street. THESE ARE VERY VERY IMPORTANT TO DO !!!
You can make lots of changes. Like you've done. The furniture would "GO" unless they're family pieces,(meaning from his parents grands etc)that would be treasured.
I would sell the furniture and replace it, even IF I had to BUY nice barely used off craigslist, just so IT'S YOURS. You don't want "ANYTHING" that would remind you of HER (EXWIFE)as your furniture, OR HER HOUSE.
"New marriages , should start NEW" ( my opinion )
Especially the Master bedroom, you don't want to Make love on the same bed they did, when they were married...I sure wouldn't!!!
I would think she took MOST furniture when she moved out.( as many wives do and husbands allow it so their children aren't without, which is fine ) The kids should have what was their parents things.

I never had a problem moving into what was deemed another persons house. But, the majority of people do. I redecorated when I lived in Califonia, and also changed the Living room ( new couch, craigslist ) & dining room,(New table set craigslist).WE BOTH paid HALF. And we bought a BRAND New bedroom set.
IF you could, the best would be to SELL when the market gets better & BUY a new Home "TOGETHER" then it would be YOUR HOME as a couple. Unless you truly love the house.
That's one good thing about Obama's refinance or buying program. It's a very good deal. But it's only good until July 2010, I believe. Also Obama 's newest deal is ALLOWING people to BUY another home now. 2nd home/ That would even be better. Buy a NEW Home & Lease the OLD one.

good Luck ! Sus

"and your wife wont' be in the home right?and he said "no she already offered to leave"...."

Hm.

This is a problem. If you did not offer to leave, he's lying to her to appease her and sacrificing you.

This is kind of a pick your battles thing. I say, let this meeting happen. Then AFTERWARD, a day or two or three later, when you're calm, tell your H you need to have a talk with him.

During the talk, you'll need to tell him how you feel and set some ground rules for the future.

- You should not be asked to leave your home. If you aren't going to participate in the meeting, being on another floor of the house is fine. But it's YOUR home, not hers.

- He should not be deciding what you are going to do in your home without consulting you. Tell him that won't be happening again.

- Regarding BM, you should talk to him about the crying -- because that's just manipulation. She will not stop manipulating until it doesn't work for her anymore. It will continue to work for her until your DH stops letting it.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

I'm going to take an unpopular stance here, but here goes.

Big deal. You aren't going to be a part of the conversation anyway, why would you even want to be there? BM will already feel like she's on your turf, so to speak. To have you lurking in other parts of the house will make her feel even more uncomfortable and probably hinder an already difficult discussion.

Try to put yourself in her shoes (and your DH's shoes). Everytime you flush the toilet, get something to drink, walk around, she'll hear/see you. She doesn't want that distraction. If she's anything like our BM, she'll probably assume you're listening in on the whole thing. Plus, it'll drive you crazy wanting to know what's going on.

If I were you, I'd thank my lucky stars I was given a day off of the drama, leave early, go shopping, have a spa day, sip some cocktails with friends, anything to not have to even see her or hear her voice.

I wouldnt mind leaving.. but I would tell them both that if they do not want to include me on ALL aspects then dont include me at all..
I did that a few times and they both knew they needed me to do things.. babysit, buy things, take them place, do thier laundry, help with homework.. etc..
its not a situation where you are good enough when she wants or needs you to do something for her kids.. you are either good enough all the time or you are not.

If you truely dont want to leave, tell him they can go to a restuarant er something but you are NOT leaving your own home so she can come over.. even though he dont like confrontation you are gonna have to do it sooner or later.. she knows how he is, she knows he will not likely say no or put up a fight and she knows she will get her way.. if you give in to him giving into her it will become a vicious circle..

Cold~

I'm glad you mentioned the serious mental issues, that gives us a broader picture, as to what is going on, Also that you mentioned the daughters ages & that they live with you,and dad. That changes things somewhat.

I am glad the girls live with you and dad and have a more stable life with you. Mental issues can be very serious , BUT, you also don't want EXWife to feel her children were taken from her due to her medical issues.
I'm sure she is hurting very deeply. And it could feel magnified by her illnesses.
As a mother, when your ill, if someone took your children, you know exactly how you would feel. I know I would be devastated. The crying I'm sure has to do with her mental disorders. She might NOT be doing this deliberetly as many think.
If the girls chose to live with you that's fine. They are at the ages where they can make those decissions, Thank God.
I also want to praise you, for being so kind and loving to the the daughters. Their very lucky they have a woman like you to step in and take on the responsibilities of their care and health.
You're doing the right things. Maybe you can share the dinners, 4 nights with you, 3 nights with Birthmom-BM. And set the schedule as a permanent schedule, so the girls don't get it confused.( the girls might also be having a hard time coming to grips that their mother is mentally ill is it documented??) that is a lot on a teenager. The teen years are already very stressful, and a highly emotional time for girls. With all their own changes...physically, emotionally and and bodily, changes. besides boyfriends, school, and leaning about life in general as a young woman.
Has a professional counselor ever sat down with the teenagers & explained in detail their mothers illness?? IF not that needs to be addressed too. Are the daughters getting any sort of counseling now?
If BM is crying, its quite possible in her mind, she feels her daughters are being "stolen from her" or she is being punished due to being mentally ill.. I know many birth mothers would feel the exact same way..if the daughters choose someone over them ( its Normal for a mother to feel that way ) I would THINK most would react that way, even IF they weren't mentally ill.
And no one would understand this unless they were a Birth Mother.
Who's daughter is going to college and leaving?
Do you have any birth children of your own? I know you said you are pregnant. Congrats to you.
And I'm sorry you lost your other child. Condolences .
Losing a child is very hard, and many do not get over that, it's extremely traumatic for many women.
And can be even harder when you raised them for many years, so I will assume..The Birth mother might be feeling some grief, that she is losing her daughters, even though one os an adult already.
But we go through that when they leave for college too.
Like I said,I would only give them this one time at the house. And after you enlighting us further..I might even say that they should have a private meeting for a while, and the at some point you should join in the conversation since you are raising the daughters in your home, and making decissions for them now.
Thanks for explaing that...further. The things you added changed the entire picture.
Sus

Cold-

If they want to have the discussion without you, the very least they should do is then pick a neutral location like a coffee shop or a restaurant. The message that they are giving the BM is that she has all the power. You can be forced out of your own space whenever she wants. This is not the way to start this relationship. It is your home and you have every right to stay in it. If they want to have a discussion that doesn't involve you, do it somewhere else. Period.

Sorry to be so harsh but the way you begin is the way things will go forward. Don't start out allowing yourself to be stepped on.

C_G

News Flash... YOU are part of the family. If they're having a "family" meeting, you should be there too.

Yay for you. I'm glad DH saw the light. Now if he can just keep it up and set some boundaries for the crazy crybaby manipulating BM.