I am new to this; in fact, I have never posted to a forum or blog before. So please bear with me.

So hubby and I married in Aug this year. His kids are 12 (daughter) and 16 (son). Great kids, we get along well and I adore them. My kids are 9, almost 11, (daughters), and 14 (son). Biodad of my kids is very emotionally abusive of my kids, and has been all of their lives. We were divorced in 2001, so I've been a single mom 8 years. We both have 1/2 custody of kids - my kids every other week, and his kids every thursday to sunday night. So we have only 6 days a month without kids. We moved in together in June, and have only 1 bathroom at the time... looking for a new house. (In this economy... ughh.)

His kids are really good kids - very good students, well behaved, generally always easy to be around. My kids are pretty good too, but because their dad has been so abusive and manipulative, I overcompensate and have always tried to keep things calm and safe for them, which often has resulted in me being much less assertive, overly protective, and very gentle parenting them. My son and youngest daughter have ADD. Son is inattentive and very forgetful, does poorly in school, but is very compliant and sweet. Often too quiet. My daughter has hyperactivity to the nth degree and poor performance in school Middle daughter is a sweetheart, but often overly emotional. Youngest daughter also has insulin-dependent (juvenile) diabetes, so much attention and effort goes into her care on a daily basis. Step kids get along surprisingly well so far. Their biodad told them medication would kill them, so my son struggles on a daily basis to remember things. Kids are always in the middle of his manipulative and emotionally abusive tactics. i.e... he told kids medication would kill them or turn them into zombies, when diabetic daughter really needs help to manage her diabetes; he tells girls I will put him in jail (since I called CPS after he didn't change her infusion sets all week, very dangerous for diabetics), so they lie to protect them.

Needless to say, I have my kids in counseling. My husband resents that I'm so over protective of my kids. He's very tough on his kids - not abusively so, but he is very firm and holds high expectations. It is hard for me to be this firm with my kids - not only do they have an emotional roller coaster to deal with their father, but he is scary when he's mad. So my approach has always been somewhat malleable and soft... I know I am too passive coming down on them. But my husband believes I need to be much MUCH firmer with them. He cares about my kids, but I think he is overstepping when he tells me I am not doing a good enough job. I don't know how to not protect what I feel is their fragile emotional state. I constantly feel like my kids are the "Bad" kids, while his are the "good" ones. But his kids have never dealt with the kind of emotional distress mine have - how can he possibly relate? My youngest can be VERY trying at times with her ADHD - the whole family is on edge when she's either hyperactive or high blood sugars. Meanwhile, my middle child won't eat anything my husband cooks. She's a VERY picky eater, and I haven't helped the situation because I have always eaten a very strict diet due to my stomach problems.... and done them a huge disservice of cooking them separate meals. Mealtimes are now just painful... my daughter won't eat almost any kind of meat. My husband believes they need to sit and eat.

I've been trying to make this work... I am trying to be more strict with my children and consistent with discipline. But my husband is so critical of everything I do, particularly involving parenting. I feel like a child and I feel I don't have a voice in this relationship. I feel like I went from feminist to passive aggressive wimp in 3 months. Meanwhile, I moved an hour away to live with him (biodad lived closer to him so it made sense). So now I'm driving an hour to and from work everyday. It just seems so much resentment is building because he doesn't agree with how I parent. I am resentful because it seems his daughter can do no wrong. (She's a stellar girl, but he argues it's because he has been so firm with them.)

It seems every week my kids are with us, the resentment builds. He resents their dad for being so manipulative (as he should), but more of me for not putting my foot down with him more, even though he's irrational and nothing seems to work... I've tried twice to get the kids from him legally to no avail, because he's never physically left bruises. So last night, my middle child, after leaving counseling and exposing to her counselor that she fears I will put her dad in jail and feels she has to lie about his lack of care for younger daughter's diabetes, we went home and my husband began tearing into her for not eating her turkey. As usual, she began to cry and I took her in my lap. Then we played a family game and she was upset the teams were unfair and cried again. My husband rolled his eyes and began criticizing her for being overly emotional. I gave him that "look" since I hadn't told him why she was likely so emotional, but he got mad at me. This seems to always happen - he gets after my kids (for something they probably should be getting in trouble for), and then gets mad at me for their behavior. Last night, though, I felt my daughter needed extra nurturing and support, not criticism. So I took her in my car and we went down the street and had a talk. Husband told me he thinks she is manipulating the whole family and using her situation to draw attention. He constantly tells me my kids need to develop a "thicker skin". Maybe I coddle them, but how can he possibly understand what they are going through?

We went to bed angry, as usual. With 5 kids, full-time job, diabetic daughter, and housework, we generally are so tired by the end of the night we don't have anything left for each other. Not to mention we're trying to get our own business off the ground on the side of our full-time jobs and I'm running PTA functions at the kid's new schools to help with the transition. My husband now keeps prodding me that I'm not doing enough for the business. It seems almost every other day he throws in a cheap shot about how I haven't done anything all week for the business.

Because of the special health care needs of the daughter, all my time off is spent taking her to Children's, which takes a whole day nearly twice a month. I was in a bad car accident two months ago and can't even get into the doctor and therapists for my care. I am looking for a job closer to home so I don't have to take so much time off for appointments. But that's proven extremely difficult these days... finding a job with the pay and benefits I'm currently getting.

The point is, I would love to see a counselor privately, and see a marriage counselor. I don't want to establish with someone near work (so I could go at lunch) when I will be quitting the job (hopefully) soon. When do you have time to work on a marriage when life is so crazy busy?

Do things every get easier? Is the first year step-parenting similarly as hard as the first year of marriage? How do you know when certain fundamental differences in parenting exist such to the detriment of having an agreeable marriage? How do I get my voice back into this marriage? I grant that his firm and consistent parenting has worked on his kids, but why doesn't he understand it's not apples and apples with parenting. How do we stand together when he is so critical of the way I parent my kids?