Need some manly advice......
Ok...here's the problem, I'm hoping someone can shed some light one it for me, and make me understand something I obviously don't get. My dh has a daughter and son from 2 previously relationships. He sees his son when ever his son feels like it (son is 11), and he sees his daughter everother weekend (daughter is almost 5). When his son is over and does something wrong, dh is very quick to jump on him. When his daughter is over and does something wrong, it's ignored and I'm fed a bunch of excuses. I have 2 children myself. One of whom lives with me full time, the other whom I see every Wednesday and every other weekend. I treat both the same, and correct when necessary. We have been going to councilling for his lack of "correcting" with his daughter, but nothing is coming out of it. Dh says all the right words in councilling, but come time to step up, he fails. Let me shed some more light on this. Both my children and his son are ADHD and require lots of consistency, and structure. I am all about that. I have told him, and so has the councillor (many times) that the house rules have to be the same for all children. Doesn't matter if they are here daily, or on weekends. Otherwise we are going to have children hating each other, and constantly fighting b/c one is allowed to do something the other is not etc. So, I asked him over the weekend why it was so hard for him to step up. He told me that he and his daughter are use to doing things their way, and it's hard to expect an almost 5 yr old to accept changes. So I asked him why it was fair to expect my almost 7 yr old to live up to those changes? He was embarrassed enought to admit it was wrong, but he's scared his daughter will hate him for correcting her. What do I do guys??? How do I help him deal with this, how do I deal with this and how do I help my children deal with this??? * btw - this man wants to have a baby with me in the near future - I'm a little nervous due to these issues. I've already told him that unless things change, it's not going to happen - he agreed, but still nothing.....*sigh*. Any input would be awesome (good and bad).
Wow, that's tough. I see
Wow, that's tough. I see that you want "manly" advice on this one, but since no one has responded yet, I'll pipe up.
My first suggestion would have been counseling -- but you already do that. When the counselor tells him that the rules have to be the same for all of the children, what does he say? Does he agree, or does he resist?
Perhaps you could suggest to the counselor that you do some exercises together, like: imagine a situation where one of the kids misbehaves. Then discuss together what the punishment would be, and why. Then talk through the same scenario, where it's SD5 who misbehaved. And talk through what the punishment would be, and why. If he says that the punishment should be different now, let HIM talk it through and explain why to you.
Role plays might be good, as well: have him role play what it would be like to be one of the other kids seeing SD5 getting away with murder -- have him role play what the other kid would be thinking and feeling after seeing that repeatedly.
UCSM (BB)
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
Thanks for the response. As
Thanks for the response. As mentioned earlier, we are going to councilling. In councilling he does agree that the rules have to be the same, and he did admit that he feels guilty 'cos he doesn't see his daughter 'cept for every other weekend. He's come right out and said that he doesn't want to spend the weekend diciplining his daughter, he wants to have fun. The councillor told him that he also needs to teach. Dh knows all of this, but can't seem to grown a set of nuts with his daughter. It doesn't help that both mothers to both his children seems to agree with him (don't dicipline - the weekend should be fun). So I decided to disengage - it's been working, kind of. As for the role playing - it doesn't work. I mean it does while the role playing is occurring (meaning he sees my point), but the minute it happens in real life - he falls apart, and my son gets the blame. "Good daughter, bad son". AND all of this only occurs when sd is around. For the two weeks inbetween each visit, bs and sf get along famously. *sigh*
Guilt is a big issue on this
Guilt is a big issue on this site, as it should be. The good guys feel guilty over causing their children the pain of divorce whether they initiated it or not and they mistakenly try to squelch that guilt by making sure the kids are happy when they have their limited time with them. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wnated to protect your kid form being unhappy but it will not create good adults, trust me. Children need a solid base from which to fly. How about saying to the kids look I am so sorry you have to go through this and I love you and I will alwyas be there for you and I don't stop loving you when you are at mom's. I love you 24 hours a day all the time day and night. Tell them that Parents don't fall out of love with their kids like they do with each other cuz it's a forever and ever kind of love that is super strong! Then proceed to Parent the kids the same way you would if they were still living with you. If you weren't divorced could they walk all over you and braek all the rules . I think not. Would they have limits and curfews, yep. If you try to buy love eventually the payments will be so big you won't be able to make them. this message channled through a step mom who's DH was reading over her shoulder and had to make the comments cuz he realizes alot of things to late!>
I truly belive that kids
I truly belive that kids thrive on structure and need some discipline. It shows that you care enough to parent them. It will not make his 5 year old hate him. She will develop a healthy respect for authority and consequences. She will always have to deal with rules. There will be rules at school and I think it's reaally rude when parents leave it to teachers to have to teach kids all about rules.
He needs to deal with his guilt as a parent and get some counselling.
Oops, you already are
Oops, you already are getting counselling. That's great. Stepping makes a great point. They will resent him later on for not doing his job.
At home, bm has no structure
At home, bm has no structure or consistancy. sd still sleeps with bm. *grr* Bm once told me that dh was the same way with bd back when dh and bm were together. bm has a son from a previous relationship and dh was just as tough on him as he is on my son, but as soon as bd came into the picture, he became puddy in her little hands. I understand that dads have a special place for their little girls and all, but holy! Dh was so bad that he use to expect me to stop what I was doing when his daughter came over so we could all concentrate on her. I told him no, I do not stop my life for my own children, I'm not doing it for someone elses. He wasn't happy, but got the message. Then I disengaged. Now he's trying to pull the same thing - except he's doing it out of pure spite. Lately I've been questioning a lot of things. Here's my biggest problem. I have been involved in a few relationships that have not worked out, and left b/c of irritation, frustration and/or anger and feeling like it was going no where. So after the last relationship I was in, I sat down and really thought about things. I thought about why I really left, and what I could have done more off on my part to make it work instead of walking out or running away. So, I'm back there again, wondering if I should just get out, or run. It seems like no matter what I do, or my son does...it's just not enough for dh.
If he is saying that she
If he is saying that she can't make changes at 5 YEARS OLD, this girl is going to run all over him the rest of her life. Guilt does no one any good...let him know it's ok and that she will still be his Princess, but I agree with what the counselor, and most other on here have said, maitain rules across the board for everyone! Good Luck!!
My SD still sleeps with BM
My SD still sleeps with BM and she's 12. Weird.
Can you learn to accept things as they are? If not then you may have to make changes.
Thanks everyone for the
Thanks everyone for the input. I know I have to make changes. Just not sure they are the ones he wants me to make. However....I also believe that everything happens for a reason.
I just edited this, it was
I just edited this, it was all out of order, I tried to write this on my lunch, I was rushed.
So here is the new version of what I was trying to say, hope it helps,
Let me know if I lost you on anything.
I have re read this a 1/2 a dozen times EPMom.
And I started on a format on how to try and help. But I get confused on his worry about dealing with his daughter.
This I don't really understand. He seems to be parenting his other kids. Why is she so different?
Does he not love her?
To me he is saying he has some issues about his ability to be comfortable with women.
This could be a overly bonded mother wound, or could be a lack of confidence wound, he may have acquired over the years growing up.
I would suggest talking with him in a different way.
Remove yourself from the current "wife/step mom roll"
Women talk about topics and use their "feelings" as portions of the formula. MEN CAN"T relate logic in this way.
Just breaking down this one sentence and spending time answering this with you, will be a way he can answer and hear himself give you the answers.
Write down and slide this question to him.
* Why do you worry about putting your foot down when it comes to this one child?
Have him write the answers down.
Then let him keep these answers.
* Tell him to write all the problems he feels he may be adding to this by disciplining her.
Have him write the answers down.
Then let him keep these answers.
And tell him "You" have these questions for "him" to answer, but don't tell you the answers.
He justs needs to write them down.
The answers are for him only.
*Can you live with these answers you just gave for your daughters future?
*Is this the father you imagined you would be with her?
*If you think you should not discipline her, Who do you think will teach her what is right and wrong when she is 18 and dating?
Now the important thing is to not comment...!
AT ALL...
Let his words be the the thing that he hears himself speak/writes down
If this needs to marinate in his soul for a while? Let it.
If his words are disappointing? Don't worry about it.
Let this strike a nerve in his own soul.
It's funny. You can tell a guy a million different ways what he needs to do.
But until he strikes it up in his own "mind" as his own idea, or that it is a real problem, he will do nothing with it.
His roll as a father needs to be all loving, forgiving, and insightful... but with a firm sense of real discipline.
A discipline that teaches her she will know right from wrong and show respect for other people, and more so for herself! To walk all over people is not a womans way. Women are nurturing by nature. they are communicators that far exceed a male's ability to communicate. If she keeps being taught she can get away with everything she will grow up to being misserable in all area's of her life.
Thanks for the input
Thanks for the input Jon-Boy. I think (think) I may have gotten to him...finally. :oS
The other night, I simply put it to him. "Look at you, you have no conflict coping skills, you run from problems, you hate arguing, etc. You suffer from anxiety due to all of this. And why? B/c you are the baby of your family, and have always been treated as such. You've always been protected from the "real world". You were never made to own up to your own mistakes. Do you want your daughter growing up like that? Or do you want to teach her how to deal with things properly. Children learn from parents/teacher/adults in general. They look to us to teach them. What you are doing is not teaching, you are running, and showing her to do the same thing".
So after an hour or so, he admitted that yes he feels guilty for only seeing her eow, and doesn't want her memories to be of dicipline. Then he informs me that change is hard. I told him that I'm well aware of that, but my children and I are "changing" to help make things work, he and his children need to as well. He cried and agreed.
Then last night (just to drive the point home - very successfully), my bs did something he shouldn't have. Now normally I'm all all about the correcting. However, I decided to let it go for a bit. DH did NOT like it one bit. So I let DH stew on it for about an hour. Then I went to him and said. "So, now you know how it feels when sd does something improper - no matter how small an incident, or how big, and you sit there and look at me and say 'what do you want me too do?' with that helpless look on your face. You tell me that my son is showing lack of respect for our house tonight, well, you daughter has been showing lack of respect for those around her - same thing - all about respect and common courtsey. So, how do you like the fact that I didn't say anything? Not good is it?" He realized then what I'd been saying all along. SO at that point I told him that what my son did is not right, and he will be spoken to about it. Then dh promised me that he would do everything in his power (no matter how hard - and in baby steps) to make sure that some correction occurs. I told him - "Look, if you find it too hard, I'll do it, just back me up AND don't go behind my back to smooth things over either".
So...."crossing fingers" here's hoping.
NICE. He sounds
NICE.
He sounds sincere.
Sounds like he got an eye opener for sure.
I wish you luck, and I admire your stepping up and doing the right thing, And good for your husband! he seems to be wanting to do the right thing too. He just may not have the vision you have, so keep helping him.
And give him lots of little victories as he does things better.
It will give him the energy required to keep on doing the correct father roll.
I say this because if he lacks the big picture vision needed for her proper upbringing.
He may feel like he "IS" upsetting his daughter and with no support from you he will give up and go back to his old ways.
It will feel like he is loosing with you and her.
So remember to give him that twinkle in your eye, when he does good.
I am a 42 y/o man that has 2
I am a 42 y/o man that has 2 step-children. A 9 y/o sd and 20 almost21 y/o ss. I have been with my unofficial wife for almost 4 years and we have lived together for 2 years. In the beginning I really had no issues with the kids other than the behavior of the 9 y/o who at the ime was 6. As time has gone by she has broken out of some of those bratty ways. The issue I have is with the 20 y/o. When I first met him, he was placed in a juvenile facility for some stupid crime him and his friends had done. This had happened just before his mother and I met. Him and I met a few months later while he was home on a visit. After a while he invited me to strat coming with his mother on visiting weekends and I was more than happy to go. I felt honered actually because when his mother and I met, she was still married to her daughters father and they were still living in the same house separately. My ss and his sf at the time never really got along and had a few physical confrontations during his teenage years. He was 9 when his mother married her ex. At first I though that the ex just simply did not like the kid because he wasn't his bs. Then came along the daughter and I assume the ex just wanted it to be the three of them instead of 4. My fiance and her ex separated and it became a difficult divorce but we all survived. Anyway, While I had been visiting my ss at his school, he talked about going to college which I thought was great. I felt like although he had been in some trouble, his 14 months at this school turned him around and he was going to be headed in the right direction. His mother and I were trying to help him with choices and always talikng to him about what he wanted to do in life. Well after he gradutaed and was released, talk of college went right out the window.
He ended up getting a job that wasn't paying much and offered no benefits. I tried to explain to him on several occassions how hard it is out in the world and that he really should re-think going back to school. He is one of those typical 20 y/o that think they know it all. I thought that by him seeing how hard his mother and had been struggling to make ends meet( and we weren't making bad money) that it would encourage him to want to be more financially successful. Well 2 years have passed and he recently got fired from his job for being late all the time. So be it. He now sits at home on the computer selling second-hand books and according to him, dealing with stocks where he claims he is making money. That is absolutely fine as a side project. I recently had the same talk with him about school and getting a degree and it always ends with him having an attitude. Now his mother and both agree on this and we both told him that if he chose to not want to go to school he would have to move out in 2 years and if he were in school he there would be no problem with him living here while going to school if the school was in state. He said he was moving to Florida with a friend at the beginning of the year and of course we were both looking at him like how are going to do that with no job. He had all the answers(of course). I would tell myself to just let him make his choices and find his own way. The other issues I have had with him over these 2 years of living together is him losing his house key 3 times, smoking weed in his bedroom, finding a huge amount of weed in his room that he was selling which by the way was the first reason he was arrested as a teen and placed on probation only to commit this last crime that landed him in the juvenile school for 14 months while on probation. Doesn't help me with yard work, but does take the trash out. Overall he is not the worst kid in the world but watching him set himself up for failure is hard.
He has never been disrespectful to me up until last night. He wanted his girlfriend to come over which is no problem. She came by last weekend and he ask me could she spend the night. I agreed because he said she had to be to work at 9am the next morning and I didn't want the my 9 y/o sd to see that his girlfriend spent the night. my reason is that when she is that age I don't want to hear that "he did it why can't I". The girlfriend ended up strolling downstairs at 10am because she overslept and the 9 y/o was sitting right there having her breakfast. My fiance didn't have a problem with this but I did. This weekend on Saturday we both tried to talk to him about school again and his mother was right on point trying to get through to him. It ended with him saying that he had to go because someon was waiting for him. I had a problem with that and at the point just said tyo myself forget it and just let him do what he thinks is going to work for him. he wanted his girfriend to come over last night after she was finished with work and though that wouldn't be a proble, I told him that she was not spending the night. I told him that if he wanted lay up with his girlfriend to get a room or get your own place. He has spent the night it seems over at her parents house many times because they are always gone. My hopuse won't be that house. So this conversation led to everything pretty much that has pissed me off over the 2years and then he started to get a little cocky with me which I was not going to have. I got up off the couch and told him that I was not afraid of him and I would F@#k him up. He acted like that meant nothing still talking and I pushed him and asked him was he some kind of tough guy now. His mother jumped up and tried to get in between us and then he called me a "punk ass" in my own house. At that point my fist met his face and it was on. We had a quick altercation but neither of us really wanted that and hearing his mother screaming and crying caused us to stop immediately. Of course she hates me now and to her he has done nothing wrong.
He left the house and I tried to call him back because I really did not want things to get to that point. He is not a terrible person; just not thinking right about his future at this moment. I have treid to do whatever I can for him to help him on the right path, but I will not be disrespected at 42 in my house by an almost 21 y/o. At this point I don't know what is going to happen because she hates me now and we are not speaking. There is much more to this story but just too much to write. I think any man whether it was his bs or ss would not want to be verbally disrespected in their house. I feel if I let that happen then what's next? Am I going to start getting cursed out or punched in the face? Anyone have any advice?