First timer here...Any advice?...
Never felt so alone in my life. Been married for about 2 and half years, and I love my DW. I'm 27, and my DW is 34. But feel like I'm in this house...just...existing. Anyone know what I mean?
My DW wife has three kids...a 17 year old SS, and two SD's (ages 13 and 6). Been in the kid's picture for about 4 years now. I have none. The SS lived with us during the first year of marriage, but went to live with BF when he started high school (apparently that was something that the BP's agreed on long before I was even a factor). It's just me, my DW, and my SDs. Now I love my DW, and my SDs, but why do I feel so alone? Before I got married, I discussed everything you could think of with my DW. But nothing I say seems to be valued. I tell my DW to sit with the kids while they do their homework (I work in the evening). Even if she doesn't get the work that the kids are doing nowadays, it doesn't matter...sit with them. Your presence is enough. She tells me she's too tired. Now the eldest SD is near failing, and is in danger of getting left back. Oh trust and believe, she's sitting with her now! I tell her not to allow the eldest son to argue with her when she tells him to do something. Do not allow him to question her unnecessarily. She felt he should be able to express himself how he wants. Now he's disrespectful, and doesn't see what he's doing wrong. He disrespects me, and when I tell him that he was wrong for what he said, he tells me that it probably didn't happen that way. That I fabricated the whole thing. I tell my wife, and she does nothing. Tells me that I'm forcing her into a situation to choose between her husband and her son. I express my concern to her about things going on, and she tells me to stop telling her about her kids. So I don't. What's the point? I get nothing from this who ordeal but a headache. Hell, before we got married, she feel into some hard times, and didn't have the necessary finances to make ends meet. I told her to stop allowing the SD's BF to take advantage of her by not taking him to court for child's support. He's a cop...he knows the law. She would always get upset, and tell me that not all BM's get the support that they are supposed to get. She had a lawyer friend who started the case for her for free, and the judge was going to require that he pay 1700 a month dollars in child support. And what does my DW do? Has a pow-wow with the BF, and she agrees to 200 dollars a week from the BF. Then turns around and tells me that I need to make more money. WTF!? But hey, who am I? They have ten years of life together with two daughters? I'm just the guy who, shelled out the money I had in my account for 2 months of her rent when she was about to get evicted...with his kids! When the kid's tuition needed to be paid, I took care of it. And when she needed money for her new apartment...I paid first two months and security deposit...all before we even got married! When her mother had to leave her apartment, and my DW's siblings put up no money or help for a new place...I allowed the mother to stay in our home for almost a year. Practically moved her stuff by myself (literally!) because no one else had the "time" to do it. And had to deal with the..."unpleasantries"...that came along with it. Me! I feel like all I'm doing is giving of myself, and for what? For the lack of respect I receive as a man in my own home? And when I express these things to my DW, she sits there staring at me like a deer in headlights!! Tells me she doesn't know what to say. She just feels that I am exaggerating, and it's not that serious. People are going through worse in the world. But when I ask her how would she handle the situation if it was flipped...you know what she tells me? She tells me that she wouldn't even be in the situation. So what does that mean...that I'm the idiot for marrying a woman who has kids already? I feel like my heart is slowing bleeding. I don't know...I mean I know that my DW has apparently been a parent longer than I have, but I'm no idiot. I'm not incompetent. What's my role here? I speak to others for advice, and I get so many different answers...no direction. Someone once said to me, that no matter what I do, or how much of myself I give, I will always get the crappy end of the stick. That I need to focus on myself. Is this true? I mean, I know that I will NEVER be top priority to my DW. What she needs to do for herself, and her kids will always come first. I try to do for myself (i.e hang out a little, chill with some friends, etc.) and it's always an issue. Adding insult to injury; went to the doctor, and it has been concluded that my DW is unable to conceive. After three kids, her body is not allowing her to conceive. She is slightly overweight, and I tell her that maybe if we work out together and get healthy together, that maybe it can help with her being able to conceive. She gets angry with me, and tells me weight has nothing to do with it. Ain't that something? I have so much I want to give to my own, but I may never have kids of my own. Life's funny, ain't it?
Man I hear what you are
Man I hear what you are saying and can somewhat relate. Truth is if your wife is committed to this marriage she needs to understand that it is you two that have each others back. It CANT be just a one way street. I mean why would she agree to $900 less a month in child support without talking to you about it first? Hardly seems fair I think. I mean she had no problem asking you to make up the difference by getting a better paying job, but won't take it from the FATHER of THEIR KIDS!? You're not an idiot for marrying someone with kids, You may not be an idiot at all (or you may be I dont' know you lol just kiddin)! And yeah it will feel like you get the crappy end of the stick no matter what you do, but unfortunately, it kind of comes with the territory, and by territory I mean being ANY PARENT, bio or step. And you will neevvvvvvvvvvvvvvver come in first, hell how many skids do you have...3..shit you may not even come in top 5 in your own house! And thats a tough pill to swallow. Especially when you are the one providing for everyone. If you are serious about wanting to make this work, you should look into some kind of couples counseling with your wife. She needs to know how serious this is and how your feelings are not something to be not taken into consideration. As far as kids, I would think that taking care of your relationship would be a priority first...get that back on track and then see where you guys are with starting your own family. Good Luck!
"But when I ask her how
"But when I ask her how would she handle the situation if it was flipped...you know what she tells me? She tells me that she wouldn't even be in the situation."
Wow. Now, I know I'm only hearing your side of the story, but that comment right there sounds really bad to me. Like, not only does she disrespect your perspective, but she refuses to try to see what it's like for you at all.
If ever I read about a situation where the couple needs counseling, this is it. Have you suggested that?
UCSM (BB)
"No matter how cynical I get, it's never enough." - Lily Tomlin
I agree with
I agree with undacovastepmudda. You guys should look into counseling. Good luck with this. It is really hard being a step parent. I hope all works out for you and your family.
I wrote this a long time ago
I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:
The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.
First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.
Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.
They could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.
I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.
You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be pleased at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.
I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. I took my spouse and SKs camping on occasion when my kids weren't around. I offered the s-kids advise on living in our world and made the obvious comments when it came to safety and such. But I never made it a judgement. May favorite comment was "Do what you think is in your best interest". It sums it all up. What you sow is what you reap.
Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".
Their mother came to realize that I wasn't over-reacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.
With that things got much easier around the house.
Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.
I understand exactly what
I understand exactly what you mean. I don't understand what is the point of investing my time and effort to help the SK's get better...only to be ignored or devalued in the end. We went for conseling, and I was told that I just need to spend time focusing on my wife. But what do I do if I see the SK's walking down a path that I know will be unsuccessful? Or if I see them doing something that I know they shouldn't be doing? I mean, everyone says you're suppossed to love the SK's as would you're own, right? Not to treat them any different, right? But people only think that loving the SK's as your own involves only the good stuff, and not the discipline. So I fall back...and don't involve myself in any major decision's regarding the SK's. My wife asks me my opinion about how I may feel about certain things, and I tell her to speak to the BF and make a decision with him. She gets upset because she feels that I shouldn't be that way. She feels like I act like I don't care. I try not to put my foot forward and initiate anything with the SK's. If they want to talk to me about something, then I'm there...but other than that...no more, no less. I mean, what the hell? Aren't I supposed to love these SK's as my own? Because trust and believe...if I'm blessed enough to have my own...half the crap that happens would not even be an option. But hey, that just me.
I can relate to you 100%...
I can relate to you 100%... I feel sometimes that I don't exist, that I always come last, I get no respect in my own house and when I give off I get told that she's not your daughter!!! You're right she's not - if she was she wouldn't get away with half the stuff she does... It all comes to a head every couple of months because I can only bite my tongue for so long before I get really annoyed.. I've tried talking to my OH and explaining that if the small things were taken care of there wouldn't be a build up and a massive row but she can't see that.
We had a huge row a couple of months ago when she decided not to go back to school and start work instead (she's 16). I said that if that was the case she would be looking after herself (she does NOTHING) and she would also be contributing to the financial running of the house... I was told that she wouldn't do that cause she was only 16?!?! Who the F**k did I think I was, I can't tell her what to do, she'll do what ever she wants etc. etc. Told her that if she didn't like if to get the hell out and stop being so cheeky or I would put her out. Like to see you f*****g try - so I did. Picked her up and put her out the door. Threw a glass of water over me then through the glass as well.... and you know what - it was my fault?!?! I was asking too much!!! I will NOT sit in my own house and be insulted by some cheeky, lazy wee madam and not do anything about it. Which is what my OH expects... I told her it wasn't gonna happen and if either of them didn't like it they could both leave.... I wasn't putting up with it any longer.
Needless to say they are both still here. I got an apology from my OH but not from her daughter. Things are still strained. I do nothing for her and don't intend to but then I get accused of not helping around the house? I cook the dinner most nights, help with the cleaning, do ALL the DIY round the house (there's a lot), take the daughters dog for a walk every morning and every night... And I get accused of not doing enough - what does the daughter do? NOTHING, not one solitary thing?!?!? She won't even walk 200 yds down the street to her boyfriends, gets her mum to run her in the car?!?!?! At my wits end and seriously thinking why bother, is it worth the hassle? My divorce just got finalised last week and was thinking about marriage and if I would ever get married again and you know what - if my OH didn't have a teenage daughter I would ask her tomorrow to marry me... What does that tell anyone?