Is there a reason why your wife is not working? Is she getting child support for her two kids?

I would tell her that she cannot have it both ways. Either they are your kids, or they are not. If they are, then you have the right to both discipline and reward them. If they are not, then it is not your responsibility to raise them. She cannot use you this way. If you want to go out, find a sitter for your baby, let her know what your plans are, and go have fun. YOU ARE NOT LIVNG A LIFE, YOU ARE ONLY GOING THRU THE MOTIONS. You need to set limits now on what you will and will not tolerate, or it will only get worse.

All of the work and none of the credit...its bullshit. Call her out on it and tell they are all 100% your's or 100% not. Maybe she feels like you arent really bonded with them so when you discipline you are picking on them and she gets defensive? My husband has been in my son's life (his stepson) since he was 2. His bio dad is in his life too but out of state. My husband has been here for the good, the bad, and the ugly. We went through a short period like this, where I had to sit him down and talk to him about parenting. We worked it out and it has gone really well. Now that my son is fully bonded with him, its okay when he disciplines him as well. He is 100% dad and our relationship runs a lot smoother that way. So talk to her and find out why she feels like you shouldnt discipline "her" kids.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

I agree with the other Postings but I'll let you know what I did:

I wrote this a long time ago and I hope this helps with your problem. It may not reflect your exact situation but you'll get the idea:

The situation with my step-kids finally got to the point where I decided that my efforts to raise them was futile.

First I told my wife in private what I was going to do and why.

Then I stopped investing myself, time and money in their upbringing. I realized that by conscious choice I could cease being responsible for them or their actions. Neither would I take credit for how they turned out, good or bad. I simply stopped interfering in their lives. This is not to say if they would start a fire on the living room floor I would not intervene. But if they did not do the laundry as scheduled I ignored it. Nor did I do any of their chores. If the trash overflowed in the kitchen - well tough. Mom dealt with it when she got home.

You will be absolutely amazed at the look on a kids face when s/he realizes you don't care enough to even tell their bio-parent they did something wrong. And you'll be amazed at their future behavoir and attitude towards you.

I stayed friendly enough and taught one how to drive when she was old enough. But they could no longer blame me for the consequences of misbehaving just because I saw the misbehavoir. I never told. If they were caught in a infraction it was not my fault. They began to realize that they were responsible for their actions because of what they did not because I caught them.

I would talk to my wife in private if I had issues, but once she made the decision I backed her up 100%.

Once the kids realized I was no longer the ogre they thought I was their attitude changed. I was not their friend, but neither was I the enemy. They came to realize that I had not done those things to irritate them. They in fact missed the things that they had come to depend on me doing. Permission to go to the mall when their Mom was not home? "Sorry, can't do that".

Their mother slowly came to realize that I wasn't overreacting to their actions. In fact I wasn't reacting at all. She came to understand that she would have to control the situation and she did.

With that things got much easier around the house.

Billions of kids grew up in the world without help from me and turned out just fine.

*********************

There's an exception to everything I say.

As a mom, I just have to add my two cents worth...LOL My dh hubby is a very loving , caring, sensitive man. He stepped in to help me raise my youngest (father only sees him once a month). However I to have issues with the way he speaks to him and deals with him at times. However, I have slowly (and still am) getting use to allowing dh to have his say. My youngest is ADHD and having a real hard time with "missing daddy". My son also gives dh a hard time. However, after numerous chats with dh and therapy sessions, dh is finally seeing my son's impulsivities as something the my son can not control (and yes son is medicated and has behavior therapy). My son is so use to me being the authoritarian that he finds it hard to accept it from anyone. however I DO back up dh and support him completely when he directs my son. If I don't like th tone he used with him, we discuss it in private. My only issues is that dh has no issue giving direction to MY son, but when it comes to HIS daughter - forget it! That's what makes me angry. So I told him...if you can't dole out direction to both children, don't do it at all. His oldest boy won't even come and visit anymore b/c he thinks I am too strict.

I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten worse. I do agree with you though, if taking a step back, makes you tell yourself that you need to get out....you need to get out. If she is curling her lip at this site, and being completely unsupportive, you need to vacate. I was having a really hard time with my dh, but even he is now coming around. Hope things work out for you.

WOW! I know how you feel! My wife acts the same way. She has 3 kids and it has been a huge struggle. So much so that we have talked of divorce and it all stems from the kids! When she and I are alone on a trip, our realtionship is awesome! When we return to the chaos again sides are divided. I hate living like this and have told myself a million times that I need to get out! Unfortunately we have built a good life, own a home and splitting up would not be easy, but this is getting crazy! I am not one to sit back and watch as these kids leave messes, refuse to do anything and disrespect their mother. When I get involved it always seems to backfire on me though! I say "unfortunately" we have built a good life! IS that sad or what! It would have been easier if we had nothing and I could simply walk away! What a lousy situation!

I have similar circumstances, but for some reason that I have yet to understand, my DW only exhibits the enabling behavior with the SS22 and not the SD21 or my BS12. I cannot figure out why she would put up with the crap she does with one of my steps, but not the other. It's very strange at times. Even the SD notices and comments on it. SS22 can do no wrong and she covers for him and picks up after him all the time.

I don't get it, and it's very frustrating for me. I love my wife, but I don't like her when she is around SS22.

Oh, I fully understand!!! I'm always damned no matter what kind thing I do. You're doing a good job providing, especially at 26 years old. I just found this site and I love it. It makes me feel valued, appreciated, and sane.

Platty:

First and foremost, find some time to do "your thing". What are your interests? Make time and pursue them! Believe me, it helps! Finding other men in a similar situation and sharing your experience is also helpful. Clearly, you are the financial anchor of this family and, as such, you play an essential role and should be respected for it. Obviously, you don't have to be a jerk about it but be sure to have some "you" time.

Platty i feel so bad about your situation. I am a step mom to four boys and i get that same run around with my role. They call me mom and we say were a family and I hear my SO say well my kids this and my kids that and I always correct him and say ours. The stress you must be under sounds crippling. Your working so much and I do not understand why she is not helping you because you sound like a catch. Be patient but I want you to know that it sounds like you deserve something better. Put on a brave face because these step parent situations are like a lions den. Good luck to you