How do I keep MY life insurance from paying for a stepchild?
I found out about two weeks ago that my husband has a biological daughter with a woman he doesn't even remember knowing. I'm currently a Marine, and he was one, but he got out because his post traumatic stress disorder was making it really hard for him to cope with reality. He was blacking out memory wise, but still functioning, albeit in an alternate reality. I know, it sounds fake, but I've actually witnessed this happen to him and the physical changes that happen. In any case, we've been married for 8 years, and apparently about 4 1/2 years ago (when his blackouts were at their scariest and most frequent) he fathered a child and didn't know about it. The woman claims he offered to pay for an abortion (which I don't believe, because he's completely against it) but at the time she says she thought it was her ex's baby (another reason I don't buy he offered to pay for the abortion). She tried to get child support from the ex, failed a paternity test, and is now coming after us for the support.
Based on the information I have about the circumstances of their "relationship" and what I know of his behavior and mental state of being at the time, he probably is the father, though a paternity test will tell for sure. In the mean time, I'm moving forward as though he is, and trying to plan for logistics. We have 3 children of our own, and a fourth due next month. We live in a state where my income doesn't count in the child support calculations, but anything in a bank account with his name on it does. His only source of income due to his inability to work because of the PTSD is his disability pay from the military.
I feel for her in wanting to have help supporting her daughter, and if he is the father he will certainly pay whatever is fair, as well as uphold his responsibilities as a father emotionally.
That doesn't mean I'm okay with her taking resources meant for my own children. If I were to die, I have a substantial life insurance policy on myself for their benefit, as well as the death benefits paid out by the military. I know that initially the benefits can only be paid to those designated as my next of kin (which would exclude her) but the minute the money hits my husband's bank account, she could legitimately claim it's a resource and hit him up in court for a portion of it. I know that in theory she's not entitled to a red cent of my insurance, but can see how she could very quickly get around that.
How do I protect that money so that it can only be used for the benefit of my own children, and not for the daughter of a woman who by her own admission knew the man she was sleeping with was married? I'm not trying to punish her or anything, and I'm perfectly willing to work out the logistics of the situation reasonably and calmly, I just think that my children should be the ones to benefit from any military benefits resulting from my death or injury, not anyone else.
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You can name all of your dependents on the life ins equally so he would not get so much for her to draw from. Do have someone other than him to name as in charge of the estate that could protect your children's rights? The money could be put into a trust fund for when they are older.
Maybe...
The problem is I really do want him to have control of the money. He's their father, and he's made incredible strides over the last 4 years to manage his disability. If I designate the kids (who are minors) as the beneficiaries, the courts will just give it to him, since he'll be their court appointed guardian. As soon as he has control over the funds, even though their names are on the accounts, they can be counted as his resources because he has access to them. I guess I could ask my mom to do it, but ultimately the same issue arises because they can prove how much money went through his account.
You can't go back and change what was. You can only deal with what is, and what will be. Living in the past and being bitter about it only ruins your chances at a happy future.
Make your mother or father
Make your mother or father the trustee and your kids the beneficiaries. That should solve the problem.
you're in the military,
you're in the military, can't you go to legal and ask what to do? This is definitely a question for a lawyer...when will he be having a DNA test? And how in the world can you be so calm about this?!
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"
Set up a trust and have the policy pay to the trust. Designate
the income from the trust to a checking account that you DH is a signatory on but not an account holder of. Lock the principle of the trust to disbursement to YOUR children upon your DH's death to that the principal is in place to provide interest income to your DH. You can name someone other than your DH as executor of the trust to keep the Skid and the BM from tapping the principle.
I do now know of any way to keep DH from writing checks out of the signatory account to the SKid and the BM but you should be able to preserve your insurance for your Kids.
We went through an attorney and set up a Will that establishes a Trust upon our joint demise. The Trust is executed by my Dad and Bro if they both are living and whichever one survives the other if one kicks. The Will specifically stipulates that the Trust remains in place until our Son (My SS who is an only child in our home and the oldest of BioDad's four out-of-wedlock by three different mothers) until he (Son) turns 40 or graduates with a Bachelor's degree from a fully accredited institution. The Trust will support him until age 18 or until he graduates as stipulated. If he quits school he is on his own until age 40. This is our way of parenting from beyond the grave.
If one of us survives our spouse then 100% goes to the surviving spouse.
I would get a sharp estate Attorney and see what you can do to provide for your DH and Kids while minimizing the risks of the Skid and BM getting your estate.
For sure I would insist on a positive paternity test as it sounds as if there is at least an even chance that BM is surfing for a CS check and your DH may not be the father. Sad though it may be for the little girl, if your DH is not the BioDad your family should not be burdened by the situation.
Thanks to you and your DH for your service to our country and for your family's extreme sacrifice.
Semper Fi. Not that I am a Marine ........ but I was born on base at the Stumps when my Dad was in. I guess that makes me a USMC brat.
Good luck and best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)
Since he has PTSD, you could
Since he has PTSD, you could possibly go to DEERS and have some other mentally competent relative named as executor of your estate.
Is your state a community
Is your state a community property state? If it is, your spouse has to be your primary unless he releases that right. I was taught that if you name each possible claimant to your estate to be the recipient of at least one dollar, they could not claim anything further. ie Dad 50k kid 1 24,998.50 kid 24,998.50 and skid $1.00. I would check into that.