Ex is too much in the picture--Post From a Grateful Newbie
Hello everyone--first let me start by saying I am SO grateful to find this site--after reading several posts, I feel as if I have found the place I have been searching for for so long!
I have been married to DH for over 2 years, and I'm in my early 40's. I have a SS10, whom I love dearly but he gets on my nerves at times because he is more than a bit spoiled and clingy with DH; believe me, after reading the posts here, I believe I have nothing to complain about where he's concerned (not much anyway!).
My biggest problem is my DH's relationship with his ex, and his family's relationship with her. DH and the ex adopted my SS at 6 wks because of her fertility problems. They were married 8 years when they adopted him. Less than a year later they divorced (she found someone else on the internet--she's married to him now). When DH divorced the ex, he decided to get a vasectomy, since he didn't want any more kids.
The ex had a baby with her 2nd husband (fertility drugs or something), and my DH's parents treat the baby as if she was THEIR granddaughter!! They have pictures of her all over their house, they buy her gifts just like they do my SS, they have the baby call them "grandma" and "grandpa," the whole nine yards.
The entire time we were dating DH and I discussed the fact that he couldn't be a father again, but he seemed open to the idea of adoption again. All my life I've dreamed of having a baby, either one of my own or adopting one. I would have given anything to be a mama. DH says "NO WAY. I have one kid. That's enough."
When the ex comes to town from out of state with SS, she stays with DH's parents! She calls and talks to them (and my husband) and rattles on for hours about nothing...that woman can talk like you wouldn't believe! My husband says that she has no other family and they stay connected to her because she "has a history" with them. I say it's bullshit--I feel like I'm not even part of the family most of the time.
I cannot tell you the number of times this woman invades our life. The in-laws even call me by her first name part of the time. AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!
Sorry this rambles, and I hope even part of it makes sense--I just have been dying to talk about this to someone, anyone, who wouldn't judge me for my hurt feelings.
Its a real shame your DH now wont entertain the thought of
having any more kids. I know before we were engaged my DH said he didn't want anymore but luckly for me he changed his mind. Before I had my DS I found it really hard to deal with the fact that the ex had given him two beautiful daughters and it felt like she had won some sort of competition and had one up on me. Sometimes though it still feels like she has stolen the joy of giving my DH his first child and I think that is one of the reasons I find her so hard to deal with. (not speaking to her at the moment!!) Your feelings are valid. Is it a possibility to calmly talk to your DH about them (easier said than done I know) as if might help if he could understand how you feel.
I've tried to talk to him about the way I feel...
but DH says basically that when it comes to the ex that no one is trying to hurt me or make me feel less important, that I just take it that way, and that he can't change the way his parents feel about the ex/her new baby, etc., and it's not his place to do so anyway. We don't fight, but I wind up feeling like I'm beating my head against the wall. No matter how I try to approach the subject, I always wind up feeling like I'M the one at fault for the whole thing.
Thank you for letting me know someone else knows how I feel...it really helps, kiwi.
You are not alone
Your in-laws sound a little strange. I don't understand that kind of enmeshment. The problem is you feel like they are not accepting you as part of the family, not that you want BM to be cut off. And that is very hurtful.
It was this kind of issue rather than trouble with DH or stepkids that drove me to find this site. I went through unjustified hell with my SILs (Evil, Whiny and Weird) after I married DH. BM was a lousy wife and mother and SHE divorced HIM. Although I understand remaining cordial after long-time associations, it is not right when a 2nd wife feels unaccepted and left out in preference for the 1st wife. Some of the things that happened to me include:
A few days after we got married, Evil turned against us (major case of mid-life jealousy) and picked a fight with DH. So I didn't get my welcome to the family party that MIL was planning. (she loves me)
Whiny turned her back on me in public after greeting DH (1st time I saw her after our eloping)
Whiny and Weird hugged DH at Christmas while ignoring me (held at Evil's and of course BM was invited) - we left posthaste, Evil later called me a "paranoid diva" - yeah right, I know when I am being ignored
Abusive emails from Evil when I challenged her treatment of us
BM is at EVERY family event even though the kids could go under their own steam (they are older)
Evil and BM became "best friends" --single women alone don't you know. (Evil TOLD DH to divorce BM many times--she was abusive to DH for years)
Evil slandered us to DH's closest friends and the rest of the extended family. Gee, thanks.
Very sick behavior.
DH scolded them all and cut them off for a while. Now contact is very limited. He stood up for me, thank Goodness.
Its your husbands responsibility
Either partner in a marriage can veto a child. The mistake was not having a clear agreement from the beginning. This leaves him in control and his decision seems final.
Your husband is probably correct in that his parents are not deliberately mis-using your name but he should be more forceful with them over it. He should have a private chat with them.
If he does, and they continue, I would just stop going over there in the face of a deliberate insult. A year later try again.
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
I feel for you!
I'm so happy you found the site! It has helped me so much and it's so, so comforting to have support and know that there are so many women (and men!) going through stephood. Anyway, I completely feel for you in this situation. My situation is a lot better, but I get really frustrated too. My In-laws are absolutely wonderful with me and have completely supported us and our marriage, but the thing that frustrates me is that they also have stayed very friendly with my H's ex, even after she has done heinous and psychotic things to their son and grandkids. When I first went to their house, there were pictures of the Ex all over the place (mustache and all) and it was very upsetting. No one mentioned her, but I felt really upset and uncomfortable. I called my mom for comfort and she pointed out that the Ex had been in their lives for a long time and was the mother of their grandkids. This was not that comforting, to be honest, but over time it has gotten a lot easier. I talked to my H about it and he said that his parents didn't know about most of the crap the Ex has done and it would probably alienate them quite a bit and also that they had never really liked her, but were invested in keeping a pleasant relationship with her so that they will always have access to their grandkids (she has residential custody). I hate the thought of this, but it does make sense. The great thing is that my in-laws completely love me. They are totally affectionate and call me their "sweetheart" and now there are pictures of me all over their house as well as the Ex. I still have to look at her ugly face, but her pictures are old and now I am on the walls as well and even better, I am in the house and she doesn't have the opportunity to ever go there and my H has made it clear to her that she is not welcome there in his opinion. My dad in law hates the Ex and makes it very clear, but my mom in law is very fair and realistic and she is the one who makes the effort to keep in touch with the Ex.
I would be completely upset too, and I still hate that I have to smile and keep my mouth shut when they mention her or the kids mention her to their grandparents, but it helps a lot to stay focused on the positive. I do think that the kid situation with you is definitely weird though. It's very odd that they see the kid as their own grandkid, but honestly it is probably good for the kid to be loved and accepted, even if it is a weird dynamic. Also, you know that when you talk your husband into adopting another kid (I bet that he will come around over time!) his parents will completely accept him or her. If they don't, then you definitely have a problem, but it sounds like they are pretty cool about that. It's so hard to stand by while your in-laws shoot the breeze with the ex and I completely know how revolting it is to see pictures everywhere (why do they do that?) so I don't have great advice for that other than ignoring it (I also take pictures with my cell phone of the ex's pictures to show my sister so that we can laugh at how ugly she is and that helps a lot!).
The main problem I see with your situation is that it is NOT okay for them to show you any less respect as the ex. And that means not messing up your name. It's not your fault that your husband made the mistake of being with a creep before you and you deserve to be accepted by the in-laws in your own right, not as the "second wife" or something like that. I feel pretty lucky that my in laws are really loving with me, but if they weren't affectionate, I would at minimum demand respect. That means that I would confront them if they deliberately, or accidentally called me by the wrong name. To be polite, they should also refrain from discussing the ex in front of you or talking to her when you are visiting them. I would tell them how it makes you feel and if they don't change, I would refrain from being around them until they treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Just because we came along later, doesn't mean we aren't fully our husband's wives and fully part of the family. They obviously have some weird attachment to the ex, but that doesn't mean they should treat you any differently.
The baby issue is really hard too and I wish you luck with that. My H and I are adopting a baby and I am really concerned that the in-laws won't love her as much as their "real" grandkids. If they don't, then I will keep our daughter away from them and not visit them myself, but I hope it doesn't come to that. I know that my parents will completely adore any kids we adopt, so she will have at least one set of adoring grandparents.
Well, good luck and keep us posted!
"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki
Not about his family
To me it sounds like over time the whole family have come to a place where all the hurts feelings have gone and all is left is love and respect between them all. MIL/FIL/BM/DH/SS etc. Something that both myself and ex-husband are now achieving esp. as there are kids involved.
Please don't take it personally re getting called the wrong name, my whole family does it, and my 3 kids get it all the time, they even get called the cats names sometimes! From what you have told of the family dynamics I don't think that they mean any malice, but I understand that you get your feelings hurt and aren't too sure where you fit in.
I don't think it has anything to do with his family sweetheart, more being completely devastated over the fact you DH has told you no kids. Especially if you had discussed this before marriage. I guess you are feeling that all your dreams are crumbling to dust and that your husband has mislead you. I'm so sorry that your dream of motherhood seems to be slipping away. Is your husband scared that the same thing will happen again, new baby, then you leave him with no-one just like what happened before? Talk to him, ask him, keep talking. Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.