Knowing Ourselves
It could mean a lot to us to know ourselves. I mean, if you knew what you were going to go through being a stepparent before being one & knowing what you know now, & knowing who you are now, would you do it again? Without regretting my decision now, and feeling I made a bad decision, I'd like to say that I would not do be a stepparent again. Here's why.
I discovered in the process of being a stepparent that I don't like the feeling of being overwhelmed by negative emotions of others, and that I also enjoy my privacy immensely. I suppose I would have figured this out without a stepfamily, but without all the drama. I didn't really know this about myself before I became a stepparent. Knowing this about myself now seems a bit too late to find out, but at least I know more about myself now.
I've learned that I am an observer and that I enjoy examining life because I like to understand things. Some of the things I've observed about being a stepparent is that I am more objective than the biological parent when it comes to seeing their children the way they are. I can understand how a biological child would not appreciate this now and then. Same with a biological parent. It is sort of like a slap in the face or loud wake up call to have an outsider say something about someone they love that has them see their loved one in a way they would rather not have to face or confront. It takes some courage and objectivity and smarts on the part of family to see each other the way they are, and then figure out a way to deal with it in a healthy way.
I suppose if I could turn back the clock, knowing myself like I do now, I would not chose to be a stepparent, because frankly, the amount of time and energy I have put into trying to be of help would have been better put to use writing poems, volunteering in my community, or exploring the world. I don't need to be admired, or paid attention to, or loved by stepchildren. I suppose what I really want from them is to be open to learning more about life beyond what they know and are used to beyond their biological parents. I suppose I want this for anyone.
- An Observer
To Virgin Law Student
There is one word that comes to my mind:
From the online Webster's Dictionary
mas·och·ism
Pronunciation:
\ˈma-sə-ˌki-zəm, ˈma-zə- also ˈmā-\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
International Scientific Vocabulary, from Leopold von Sacher-Masoch †1895 German novelist
Date:
1892
1 : a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation especially by a love object — compare sadism
2 : pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering.
~~~~~
There can be too much confusion, pain and threats surrounding sex in and of itself when not seen for what it really is for. For creating more human beings.
Add to this the pain the parents created in their relationship (like believing they should never feel betrayal, or criticized, hassled, abandoned or responsible for their partner) and then split up - thus shaking up the existing children's false sense of security. Then added to the confusion of not knowing what the heck is going on, and all the bruised egos, a stepparent walks onto the stage.
Well, I've played my acting role. I had all the stepchildren move in and stay with their mother years ago. They are all grow up now, including the husband. I did what I enjoyed being. I consider myself to be my husband's heroine. He is now a happier person. When I stepped onto his stage, he was dominated (he claimed & I observed) by his ex and three daughters - which frankly was not appealing to me because I admire people that take full responsibility - and who can stand up for themselves and create a healthier situation for themselves and others. I suppose he didn't know himself and gave up before I met him and just decided to just suffer. But I'm not into martyrs. I sense their fear and chronic confusion. I believe they are afraid because they don't know who they are. Strong. Capable. Vital. Aware. Worthy. He and We are happier for what I did over the years. Not tolerating mas·och·ism. But its taken its toll on me.
Looking back again, I suppose I would have not married this particular type of person- man again. I could have decided not to marry at all, and instead developed a more suitable lifestyle for myself and my daughter. A life without so many compromises and unnecessary pain - a simpler life that when all said and done - I could have invented something of greater value to humanity. And a more kinder, saner and richer in- many - ways life for my daughter - who as the years have shown needed more attention and encouragement to become an Artist. But that's another story. We would have traveled the World together knowing what I know now.
Its really about knowing ourselves right now in this present moment.
Here are some questions for you...
How well do you know yourself and what are you doing about it?
In what way can you create a greater good for the greater number?
And if after reading this and you are thinking about "What could have been?", I encourage you to ask "What if..." too.
Changes Afoot
Changes are indeed afoot for me too. I would not have been able to write with some sort of detachment about myself on a blog like this - and to reach out to others - with some sort of calm inner wisdom prior to - well- some kind of strange and painful adventures in Step & ParentHood. I eventually just sort of quietly let go of having to do it all, be right about anything, demand to be left alone, or be loved-admired-understood-and paid attention to by others overall. I'd have liked to have had this detachment ability from birth, and with a heart still full of compassion and love and wisdom - for myself and for us all. Its sort of like coming home to stretch out on my own longingly missed bed after a long trip in too many noisy hotels, after too many bad meals and restless nights, and a a couple bouts of malaria. The fight or flight is over. Its time for me to rest and restore. So here I be, writing on this blog to share some of my thoughts with a team of folks here - who each have a variety of strengths, skills and insights, and that when we think about it, we can complete this project called Step & ParentHood knowing ourselves a bit better for having chosen to do it.
P.S. Becoming Lesbian? How about...
For StepAside - I know myself well enough to know that I can & would like to leave my heart open up for that man OR woman who when teamed up with me we would naturally create and bring out even more of the best in each other and be a benefit to many. I can imagine that any man or woman that consistently choses bliss and creates beauty, and is a sincere, honest, fearless free spirit, and who is healthy, inventive, constructive and enthusiastic - and laughs wholeheartedly - and a lot - is my kind of partner to be with. (I don't sincerely know of any parents or step-parents that fit this description. If anyone here does, describe them to me and their situation.)
Next time around, and I WILL create another go around, I am taking my own happiness more seriously. I will create a better quality of living with or without being with a partner, and certainly WITHOUT children. And I will always remember what I learned from this strange and particular stepfamily situation I ignorantly created - Its not for me. Never was. The problem though is that it Done, and now WHAT am I going to do about IT? Ignore IT? Scorn IT? Fix IT? Succumb to IT? Tolerate IT? Forgive IT? Forget about IT? What is the healthiest way to face IT straight on? And be the blissful, happy, laughing woman I used to be before step-parenthood? What can I do to make amends for the harm I have done to my life? I'll step away now to think about this one for awhile. Thanks for reading this. Peace my Friend(s)
If I could go back in time....
Honestly, I wouldn't change who I married. Last week DH sent me an email that asked "if you could do it all over again, would you?"
I'd do it all over again, no doubt. I would, however, had put all 7 of us through counseling PRIOR to being living together, getting married etc. Between 5 kids and one hell of a bitter ex (his ex) it would have been easier to get a lot of the existing emotions out into the open sooner. It hasn't been easy dealing with some of the feelings of his children. I'd like to think that I did a better job with my daughters in adjusting to the new situation than his ex. She filled their heads with false hope (this is just a phase, dad will come back), she has vented to others with their ears present and they have heard hurtful and untrue things about the two of us and she has (and still trys) used them as bargaining chips to get accommodated as she needed.
I'd have to say that I'm very lucky that my skids haven't been horrible to me. I've read so many horrible stories on here that have made me so thankful that all 5 of our kids are just normal boundary pushing kids who are at times a little more mouthy than we'd like. There are times that DH doesn't realize that they're being rude to me, to him or each other. That doesn't make him a bad father, that just makes him a man. I think b/c he misses them during the week he's more focused on being a fun dad on the weekends and not the disciplining one; which is very common for ANY man, but more specifically a divorced dad. If I point out to him something that was said/done that broke a rule or crossed a boundary, I point it out and usually he'll be quick to fix the problem.
I think a huge problem (because I'm dealing with it) is incosistancy between households. If BM lets skids run crazy all week, why would they want to settle down on the weekend? If BM allows them to jump on furniture and draw on walls why wouldn't they do it here? At times I've felt more of a babysitter that his wife and their SM b/c I'm walking around with a paper towel, windex and simple green cleaning up all the messes they made and crying how nobody respects me.
I knew what I was getting into b/c I was with him for 2yrs before we married. I knew he was a wonderful dad to his 3 kids and my 2 daughters. I also knew that he was guilty of being a Disneyland Dad. I also knew that he had an ex who was and still is manipulative. I knew his kids didn't always listen to me.I knew he was paying out a very excessive amount of support, I knew they still wanted their parents back together.... I knew what I was getting into.
I truly feel sorry for all of those who were blindsided by this. I can relate to those of you who have spent hours crying b/c your voice isn't being heard. I can relate to those of you who want to start a family of your own but can't b/c of circumstances you cannot change.
I would do it again in a heart beat b/c when I see my BD5 wrap her little arms around my husband I know I made the right choice. When my SD6 hugs me and tells me I'm the best mommy ever just b/c I brushed her hair I feel needed, and when my 12yr old ADD raging hormonal SS tells me that he loves me (which isn't too often) I know I made the right choice.
I cannot change anybody else but me, and I can only show my BD's and skids what a good person is, but I cannot make them that person.
"I aint no Carol Brady"
Yes, but...
...mzmasi1120 and anyone else - what do you know about yourself? Look inside. What are your fears? Your needs? Your hidden intentions - hidden even from yourself?
What kind of mixture of chemicals, soul, thoughts, and luck creates a fully functioning, well-adjusted, thriving, creative human who is also a stepparent?
From what I read in mzmasi1120's post you/she needs to be loved and to live and let live. But why? What is it your/her own self that needs this? And why?
Thank you mzmasi1120
I really needed a reminder. Thank you mzmasi1120 very much for posting "If I could go back in time...." I can relate completely with your reply. I am very new to the step-parent experience. I moved in with my BF 8 months ago who has 2 children. We are with the kids every other week. I have a daughter but she lives with her father. My BF and I have very different parenting styles and are combining some of our ideas together. Currently as we are in an adjusting phase, I need to be patient and supportive with his choices as a parent. Sometimes that has not been so easy for me. So, thank you for your post!
Thank you
you reminded me of the sweet hearts of my SKids when they say "I Love you" or just give me a big hug and I know it's bc the have peace here and acceptance and that is what is most important.
Here I am complaining about my conflicts with BM who is really no one to me and these poor kids have to have her shape them and learn how to find their way in the world with her influence...I thank god they are boys bc the experts say the same sex parent had the greatest influence.
I am lazy and self-centered - and at peace.
Hello crayon.
When I draw open the drapes before my eyes, I can see how I could be perceived as lazy & self-centered - by some. I mean this in the kindest of ways when I describe myself this way. Easily feeling besieged by the needs and fears of others, (who don't seem understand themselves and therefore have a hard time taking responsibility for fulfilling their needs and overcoming their fears) in defense I will withdraw into myself and lock-down. Tight. Not budging. Its from inside my castle that I observed from little windows their many arrows bouncing off of my brick walls. They could yell, scream, threaten, but what good did it do? I have long ago ignored their war dancing on the other side of my moat, and have headed for the long tunnel I dug silently under their feet. Now, from where I am standing out in the fresh air, I can see the backs of the stepchildren and biochild from the cool depths of a lush and peaceful forest. They are still slinging arrows at the castle. They think I am still there. But I have long ago left hiding behind those thick walls and am eating some freshly picked sweet wild berries, and I am laying down on soft moss, just soaking up the fresh air and sun. And gazing up at the clouds, at peace.