Hope I am doing this right :)
Hi, I am new here and am grateful for this site. I married my DH on Valentine's of this year, and both of his kids SS15 and SD12 were in the wedding. I have 2 children of my own from previous marriage (ages 5 and almost 8). They were also in wedding. Anyways, skids seemed fine....or so I thought from what my DH was telling me along the way. We just bought a new home 2 counties from where I live with my kids now (waiting for school year to end to move), just so we could accommodate them and keep his kids in their current schools and near their BM. Long story short, DH has been divorced for over 5 years, very ugly mariage and divorce, BM kept kids in middle of the drama entire time, spit in DH face in front of them, told skids that DH did not love them, etc...UGH! DH and I thought my becoming part of their lives would help, but it has become such a mess. SS16 moved out of our new home 2 weeks ago to live with BM, now SD12 is threatening the same and telling DH he has new family now, resents my kids for calling DH "dad". I totally get ALL of it, but it still sux! My DH is an amazing man, and I love him so much. He feels the same about me. I just gave up this past weekend with DH, so he could have alone time with SD12. It hurt, but it was actually my idea. She is still saying same things to him. On top of ALL this, this has affected our husband/wife intimacy because he gets distracted with worrying about losing his kids. I am trying SO hard to be patient, loving and understanding, but I am dying inside. I am tired of crying and feeling bad. I am tired of having to think about skids, and just want to protect by biokids. Oh, SD12 and my bioD8, have the SAME NAME!! What are the chances of that! I just needed to vent, thanks for listening.
15 and 12 are very tough
15 and 12 are very tough ages for children. I have a daughter that is 13 and know how tough it can be! BM is most likely spear-heading the effort to put a wedge between you and your SK's. I went through the same thing with my SD's shortly before my husband and I got married. I thought everything was wonderful and then I found out two weeks before the wedding that she was filling their heads full of a bunch of misinformation about me and all of the sudden they werent so happy about our union. The most important thing for you to remember is NOT to let those children come between you. Talk to DH and tell him that you need to sit down with all the kids together and talk to them about how you are ALWAYS going to be there for them. It is important for them to spend time with Dad but it is also a crucial time for them to know that you are there for the long haul. DH needs to back you up...he made the choice to marry you and he knew that there were risks associated with it.
Its gonna take time...how
Its gonna take time...how long have you been in their lives? Is your kids biodad in their lives? There is going to be quite an adjustment period, unfortunately. Try not to take it personally, his kids would probably act this way towards anyone. That sucks they have the same name, how confusing that will be! Maybe its better if they go live with their mom though. Just try to stay nice to them and hopefull after a while they will come around. All you can do is try, if they refuse to, you can't control them. They have to decide to come around on their own.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Powerless
You are powerless in this situation. In additional to what the others have said I'm advising you to quit worrying about his kids. Nothing you say or do with or to them will help anyone. In fact it will just make the situation worse. When it comes to kids concentrate on your own.
This is not to say you ignore his kids but leave all discipline and decisions to your husband. If you have a issue with them discuss it with your husband in private then back up his decision in public.
What has happened is the kids are afraid that they have lost their father.
Like has been said above kids will use this weapon. They are self-centered and have no idea of the anguish they can cause. But once again you can't change anything.
Once you realize that you no longer are responsible for his kids, are not responsible for the situation, and effectively can change nothing you, can put your mind at ease somewhat.
As for your husband make sure he understands why you are changing your attitude towards his kids and the situation. He needs to understand that you are not abandoning him, indeed you're not abandoning his kids. You're just getting out of the way because your presence is causing much of the conflict.
I would recommend to him that he spend a weekend or two a month with his kids alone. Here in California I would take my kids camping for the weekend. This allowed time away from all outside influences and let them see that I considered them my first priority.
This is a very difficult situation for him. He's already lost one kid and very likely will lose the other one back to the bio-mother. If he were reading this I would advise him that his kids will eventually come to understand what his ex is doing. When this happens he will be able to return to a more normal relationship with them but unfortunately he may be many years before that happens. They need to mature first.
Meanwhile you made exactly the right decision when you "gave up" a weekend for him to spend with one of his kids. But I want to disuade you of the idea that you gave up anything. It was not yours to give. Every weekend, indeed every day is not yours to give. You're not the mother of these kids, you're his second wife. Note the operative word there - second. Accept this fact and encourage him to spend every minute he can with his kids. This is his first priority when it comes to family life. Your time comes when they're grown. Meanwhile continue to encourage him and if necessary push him down that path.
I also have to ask where is the bio-father of your kids in all of this. What does he think about his kids calling your husband Dad? This may be causing him the same pain you're seeing your husband go through with his kids.
On that subject it would have been better if your kids had not started calling him that. But the cat is out of the bag now. It may not be too late to have a frank disucssion with your kids explaining that another name be used. And be upfront with the reason - make it crystal clear that they are not the problem. Here in the U.S. I would consider using "Pop". In our society even his first name is appropriate or perhaps "Mr. ___ (insert his last names initial).
Have him go online himself and search for forums for fathers in divorced situations. There are thousands of men who can give him additional advise.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
Kids Will Have To Get Over It
I disagree, your dh is playing right into manipulative bm and daughter 12 because now she knows if she throws a fit or threatens to move out, her dad will abandoned you and give her what she wants. That will increase her horrible behavior, and not only that, the more time you and dh spend a part the worse it will be for your marriage.
Let the kids know you both are a united front and weekends are a time for family, which means you will always be included, and if they don't like it too bad. If 12 year old wants to threaten to move out, let her. Maybe your dh will have a better relationship with a other every weekend deal, but again that includes the "married couple", which comes first. Look at it this way, when his daughters get married are they going to leave their husbands for a whole weekend... because dad doesn't like their spouses...and spend quality time with daddy?? Of course not, so you need to talk to your husband about being a United Front, and that includes you in every way. His kids will be grown soon, and will be spending more time with their friends so I'm sure either way that problem will solve itself, but for now let the spoiled kids know who are the parents, and who are the kids. I would also suggest having very minimal contact with the bm, and get her out of your lives. I say that because of your post, and obviously she is another source of the problem.
WOW!!! Thank you ALL so much
WOW!!! Thank you ALL so much for your very candid and direct responses. I truly do appreciate any and all advice, as I am clueless about a lot of this. To answer some of your questions. My first husband, father to my biokids, committed suicide on Christmas Eve 2007. He suffered from bipolar disorder, and things were very bad in the months leading up to that. So, the fact that my kids have opened up their hearts to my DH is amazing. We all, my kids and I, have going to group counseling and one on one therapy, to deal with their dad dying. They do not know it was a suicide, as I didn't feel it was necessary to tell them at such young ages. My marriage was actually over a long time before he died, and I wasn;t exactly looking to get married again so soon. I am not exactly a light-hearted decision maker. I took what I thought was everything and everyone into consideration ahead of myself and what I wanted, but now realize that every bit of planning and preparing would still have not been "enough". I agree that I need to support my husband, be caring toward his kids, but ultimately focus my attention on my own kids in this. THANK YOU!!!! I will keep you all posted.
Use the same thread
When you give us an update use this old thread and you won't have to write it all down again. Make sure you title the new post "update". That is really sad about your ex husband but I'm glad you all are handling it so well.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
There is a lot going on in
There is a lot going on in your story. But I think you are handeling it the right way.
Giving the Skids time alone with their dad is good. I do this sometimes, even if DH doesn't understand why. Plus, it gives you some alone time with your kids. How often do you have the Skids?
I don't know what the BM is like in your situation, but I can imagine she is not too happy about her Ex being remarried - they never are. But it sounds like there is some seriour Parental Alientation Syndrome (PAS) going on. She is trying to pull the kids away from you and their dad, because she is selfish. They will eventually figure it out. They are a bit older, so maybe DH can sit them down and explain his side of the story to them. (i.e. I love you guys, but I wanted to have a wife/life again. This doesn't change that I am your dad, etc. ). But there is only so much that he can do. They might still choose to live with BM, and at that point, you have to just let them. He should keep up with calls and at least take them to a movie occasionally or something.
It will get better. Wait until you move in to the new house, I mean for good. Poor you and DH haven't really had a chance to have a go at the new marriage yet.
Welcome!
Sorry I am just now seeing this. Congratulations on your marriage and I hope everything works out for you. Do not let the children get to you and stay far away from BM! It is confusing with the same names but I have a very common name but would refuse to use any 'substitute' name so I would not even suggest that!
I am sorry to hear about your first DH and am happy for you and the kids that you have your new family now. Focus on that and don't let anything else get in front of your marriage! Please keep us posted.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
*** UPDATE ***
Sorry....I hadn't seen that more people had replied...still getting used to the site
Well, last Monday both DH and I went to see a counselor (separate ones). He went for advice on how to communicate better with skids, and I went to mine to just vent! haha I am proud to say that when he had his daughter the next night, she fished around to see if me & my kids would be at the new house when it is her next weekend to be there, and he said yes. Her immediate response was "well, should I just stay at BM's that weekend?" DH responded very calmly and told her she could, but then asked her how will that will help us grow closer? I told DH that she actually needs him to be firm, to show that he is stable, that he will not be carried away by his emotions like biomom is. Yay, DH 
He is with her tonight, and we will soon know what her plans are for this weekend. I genuinely care for SD12. She is very sweet, and biokids love her. We all miss her, and I think tomorrow I may let my DD7 send her a text to say hello. P.S. DH bought flowers for SD12 to give to her mom for mothers day....and I even sent BM a text wishing her a happy mothers day on Sunday. I have given up too much time and energy letting others steal my joy. I choose to be happy, and even love those that won't love back. Those are the ones that need it the most. As for DH & I, we are actually becoming closer through all this. Don't get me wrong, it is still very hard...but we are attending church together, praying together, and talking to each other (even when it hurts). So.....I have hope. Thank you guys for listening and sharing your thoughts, feeling and experience with me! HUGS!!! 