"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

only triple the backtaxes thing. But I understand exactly what you're saying.

And $25.00 or $2,500-it's all relative, isn't it? If you don't have it to spare, you don't have it to spare. Plain and simple.

I think the worst part is the feeling of betrayal. I've always been so careful with money-and H knew that years before we married. Before we married he assured me he had his finances in order. Everything was taken care of.

Now I'm in a financial mess, all from H's past, all from years of him not taking care of his debts. I am determined to find a job (stupid me-quit mine at his request when we got married-his assurance that he was making great money and had his finances all in order), and get back to taking care of myself and my business.

What he chooses to do about his mess will be his own responsibility.

I, too, trusted DH with handling "our" money fr a few years. I always thought we were a team where both of us worked hard to make life better for ourselves. That's what marriage is, right?

Our finances got worse and worse, even thought we were receiving raises and bonuses. I took on a significant amount of debt along the way--covering all the extra expenses that we just didn't have money for. I simply wasn't paying attention along the way (totally my fault), and then things got really bad.

I started keeping track of where our money was really going and I was shocked. DH had been handing our money to his adult kids for years. THOUSANDS of dollars! While we couldn't pay our bills, he was giving thousands to his favorite daughter for her Royal Wedding, and buying a car for the addict--which she sold for drugs. Then we got the tax bill--for the stock DH liquidated to (yes you guessed it!) pay for his addict daughter.

I felt so completely betrayed by this man. He obviously was playing for another team and taking me down. Because our finances were so bad I couldn't divorce him on the spot, instead I divorced our finances. We now have separate accounts and I present him with a bill once a month for half of the mortgage and all the household expenses.

Wow, what a change! At first DH was pissed because he couldn't just pull money fron my account like usual. Then he realized that he couldn't hand over cash to his adult children anymore--that was my fault, too. After 5 months of this arrangement, DH is now a lot more careful with his money, and I don't care anymore how he spends it. I have a lot more money in my account each month, which I now use to pay down the massive bills that I ran up when we were a "team." It will take years to pay down the debt.

The lesson I learned was to never, never trust anyone else with my finances ever again. Especially when the someone I trust has kids from a former marriage.

It's going to be hard to seperate finances but you can begin now and slowly work that way.
You'll have to start filing sepersate tax returns eventually to avoid taking on any of his debt, and that will cost you big as you won't get much back filing married seperate.

I know women who have been with men like this, they refer to them as MAN_CHILD. It is not a safe or secure feeling to feel as if your going to go into financial devisation at any time.

I dont have financial issues in this marriage but I know people who do, plenty of them... a few because of the man-child situation... different ideas about money and differing values placed upon it.
It can be devistating, more so since you have a baby on the way and babies are very expensive in the first years.

About dh opening a business... not a good idea at this point.
You can maybe see an attorney and draw up something now so your financial situation will not be considered community property...
in case he goes deeply into debt.

I felt as though my husband was having an affair when he was hiding his financial debts. I decided to keep things separate and I tell him how much I need every month to cover the bills and he does whatever he wants with the rest, which usually consists of paying for additional things for his kids. I don't get into it anymore. I made a lot of mistakes because I thought that a marriage was supposed to include sharing of finances.. In our case it didn't work. The only advise I have is try to keep as much as you can separate. I am also expecting, due Nov 3rd and I plan on putting our child on my health insurance so I don't have to count on him to pay medical bills, etc. It is all on me and that isn't really that fair but at least I have control over it. I do take into consideration that he does a lot around the house with home improvements that would cost a lot of money if I hired someone. I look at that type of thing as income. When it comes to our finances I view myself as a single woman soon to be a single parent. This is sad but the only thing that has helped me deal with his financial problems.

It sucks to have to keep things separate. One of my friends is dealing with the same thing. Only she keep their money separate, but controls his money and hers as well. She manages his paychecks, pays his portions of the bills with it and gives him an allowance for spending money. Then she has her own accounts that he has no access to and manages her own money. Sucks to have to do, but its the only thing that works cause apparently her husband is that bad with money. Can you take over the finances?

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I will never let anyone handle MY $. EVER EVER NEVER EVER

It isn't fair to me. If I allowed my husband access to my $, he'd probably give more to his kids and I will not pay for someone else's children.

A second marriage is DIFFERENT---you can't do things the same way as in the first marriage where there are no bills, no prior children, etc. Both partners start from $0 when you marry young unless there are school loans.

I'd rather feel secure in myself than insecure with someone else at the helm.

In Oct 08, I took over finances. And we have paid off 2 high interest credit cards and have more money than we have ever had. H sucks with money and I sat idly by for 5 years and watched him blow tired air about how he was going to get us debt free.

I make no qualms about it. I am more organized and financially savvy. He deposits his check into joint account. He has until the week before payperiod to list any and all things he needs budgeted that are outside of our mortgage, bills, etc and I leave that money in the account. I pay all bills and provide him with a spreadsheet every 2 weeks.

If I am making any significant changes, we make an appointment to discuss it. We use to fight about money but not anymore since I took over. He told me quite recently, it's like we always have money now. I told him that budgeting works wonders....if we don't budget it, it doesn't happen...this includes movies with the kids, new shoes, eyeglasses, vacations, etc.

I also keep a private account all to myself with "run away" money. Now a lot of people might have a problem with this notion, but I'm an attorney and I have witnessed far too many clients come to me with nothing. I believe every woman with children to care for should be in a position to care for themselves should anything happen. I have also told my husband he should keep a hidden stash as well. And he has one. He opts to use it to buy me gifts, but that's his decision not mine. My "run away" money idea started when we first got together and combined incomes. I had not one credit card in my name and no money. We had a huge argument and decided to split up. It was a Saturday morning and there were no groceries in the house at all. As he packed (his kids were with bio mom), I was crying and said, "But I don't have any money to feed my children....everything is in your account (I didn't have a debit card to his account at the time)."

I shall never forget what he said to me, "I don't care how you feed them. You're smart. Figure it out."

Suffice it to say we mended fences, but from that day forward I began to stockpile cash and as I sit here, I have enough "run away" money to care for my kids and myself for more than a year without skipping a beat.

Wow, I don't know why I went off on that tangent....I hope things work out for you. I am sorry for digressing. I would take over the finances if I were you.

Angeliabb

Life is what you make it.

I saw my sister's X take the refrigerator and kitchen table when they split up---she had two children in the home. It was her house & those were the only two things he had purchased. I remember coming in to her house and seeing her sitting on the floor with the kids crying. I WILL NEVER ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME! I know where you're coming from angeliabb.

Every woman should take care of herself.