Just my thoughts
I guess I am a little confussed about the lack of rights that step parents have, especially in the United States. I am from Canada - western Canada to be more specific and I have never ran into any problems with signing my sd up for anything or taking her to doctor appointments or getting info from the school about her. I just finished reading a post about how another SM tried to gain information about their step child and the school refused to help. It just pisses me off for all of you. I mean seriously for those of us who have primary residency and in some cases the primary financial supporter of the family and care giver, what gives.
The school system allows me to sign all forms for her, including those that call for a parent (I tried to get my husband to sign it, but he said that I was her parent also and I could just sign it as well as he could) I have only had one instant where I wanted to get my SD into see my doctor as she is much better and was told by the receptionist that my doctor was not taking new patients. I asked even for family and I never got a response. I was able to put her on my health plan without questions asked.
I am also angry at the so called professionals who write collums about how to step parent successfully and they state that a step parent shouldn't disipline but leave it up to the biological parent. I mean seriously I can remember growing up and having my parents friends disiplining me if I was at their house and did something wrong. I truely believe that if a family is to integrate then the adults of the house have to be in charge, both adults not just one or the other.
I know, I am one of the lucky ones. I have a husband who stands beside me 100% and his family and even the ex-w family also stand beside me 100%. I don't know I guess I just needed to say this because I feel for all who try to do what is right by the child and all you are met with is resistance. What happened to the old saying that it takes a village to raise a child.
Just a thought
You ARE lucky!
We have 50/50 custody and SD comes to our house almost every day after school. She brings home a notebook every day listing what they learned, homework, etc. It is required to be signed by a parent daily. Heaven forbid, DH should forget to sign. BM would have a FIT if she saw my signature in there. If SD brings home homework, sit down to help her with it, I see that she is struggling with something, I spend 2 hours working on it with her, and I want to let the teacher know that she's done extra work.... better wait for DH to come home, otherwise we get "the call". "What's Serena doing signing SD's notebook, she's NOT her mother, SD has a mother, that is something a parent should do, let her do those things with her own kids, and on and on...."
This is what I've been reduced to, worrying over the appropriateness of signing a grade school notebook.
I've never had a problem either when it counted- BUT ONCE
SD's peds office didn't document that I had called regarding scheduling a back xray for SD, after the Dr had noticed a very slight curve. I spoke with an assistant and let them know we were in the middle of a custody case, and asking if the xray could wait until it wrapped up since it was technically non-emergent. No one called me back. Then the next week I called again and the assistant coldly said, "WHO am I speaking with? Is this her MOM?" Now, it's important to note that DH had given the Dr's office permission for me to bring SD, discuss SD, and ok treatments for SD in the file.
So I told her who I was, and she said, "Well you don't have to do it now, because her MOM already took her."
So evidently to get attention, SD cried to BM that her back was hurting and complained the Dr wanted to get an xray and we weren't going to do it.
I was PEEVED. So on the next visit, I had DH ask the Dr. if the assistant even noted the call in the chart, which would be proof to the court that I called to schedule it, had a question, then BM took her and no one called me back.
The Dr told DH, "We don't have to document anything a SM says."
NOT TRUE. Medical records, including all phone calls where a nurse or assistant speaks with someone, legally must be documented in the chart.
I was even MORE peeved then.
Now once we won custody? That office treated us like gold. But when it was 50/50? They treated us like a contagion they didn't want to go anywhere near.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Don't you know being a SM makes you "nothing"?
Haha, Serena that sounds just like my SD's BM
As soon as she thinks ANYONE other than my boyfriend does ANYTHING for his daughter (me, his father or grandparents [aka SD's grandfather and great-grandparents], anyone from my family, etc.) she has a complete hissy fit. "Why didn't YOU do it? YOU'RE her father! It's YOUR job! No one else should be changing her diaper, feeding her, dressing her, etc. under any circumstances!" lol I just find her so insane that it amuses me and I do anything I can to get that reaction since there's nothing she can REALLY do about it; maybe I just have a sick sense of humor 
And of course I'm the biggest target though. She always has to remind everyone how I'm not SD's "real mother" and that I'm "nothing" to her (even though I've been in her life for over 2 years, since she was 1 1/2 years old, and intend on being there forever, I'll always be "nothing" according to BM). Of course it's not just from the BM, every once in a while my boyfriend's family has to "remind" me that I'm not SD's mother and should have no say(mostly in under-handed ways though, not directly). It does get irritating being reminded constantly that you're technically "nothing" to your skids, but I just ignore it and play as big of a role and have as much of a say as I can force.
Protesting too much
What gets me is why do 'people' feel the need to repeat themselves, that 'you are not the mom'? I find it is always someone who is threatened by the fact that you are, in fact, put in the position of 'parenting' their child, often because they themselves will not. Apparently that is embarrassing.
I think saying this is just making noise because everyone who is honest with themselves, knows the truth of the situation.
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
The same reason that even
The same reason that even those close to our family that know BM, or know SD's behavioral issues, feel the need to discount them as "all teens do that."
To which I say, "Well...all teens don't do most of what she does. And the things she does that all teens do, SHE does a million times over."
I am trying to learn the art of listening. I am going to be taking some mediation courses through my county's volunteer mediation center. (Meaning you can get a reduced fee for the courses, if you volunteer to do community mediation.)
I have found that my need to be heard causes me to babble at times, when I get around anyone who sincerely is interested. I do fine around those I don't think care, or seem to only want to talk themselves. So my goal is to learn to listen to those who patiently listen to me.
And that includes NOT saying things that discount their feelings (also should help with SD's BPD'd way of confusing being heard with needing her feelings validated.)
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I don't have any problems
I don't have any problems signing my two SD's out from school if they are sick. In fact, half the time their BM is supposed to have them, they call me to get them because they can't find her, then I have to leave work and stay home with them.
My issues with BM are so many I can't even begin to list them. She wants total control over SD's but wants nothing to do with them at the same time. When they are with us (which is 60% of the time) she calls them constantly, like 8-15 times a day. But when it is her time with them, she is always sending them to a friends house. She is always grilling them on what is going on at our house, even times SD's aren't there! She tells older SD she is "glad SM is around" but then talks about me and DH to MY co-workers!!!
I definitely take the brunt of the child rearing in our house, so I feel like I should have some decision making authority, but unfortunately step parents have no legal leg to stand on. If it were up to me we'd be in court every day of the year until we had full custody of those girls. BM has never held a job, does not have a permanent residence of any sort (stays in hotels on the nights she has them - tells them it's "vacation"), does not have a vehicle that her, 2 SD's and her other child can all fit in, keeps them out of school "just because". I love DH, but sometimes I wants to scream at how he lets her get away with such bad behavior. If the situation was switched, she would have us in court so fast our head would spin.
My advice is to just be there for your Skids. Mine love me very much, even though I get reminded every so often that I "am not their mother" to which I tell them "Exactly! I don't HAVE to love you or take care of you, but I do because I WANT to" which usually humbles them and resets our relationship.
I love that!
~~I get reminded every so often that I "am not their mother" to which I tell them "Exactly! I don't HAVE to love you or take care of you, but I do because I WANT to"~~
I am soooo using that the next time BM "reminds" me (like I've forgotten!)
Serena do we have the same BM??
Our Bm is the same way. I once went to a p/t conference with DH for SS and BM flipped out. BM threatened to take DH back to court to get full custody(we have joint right now)and threatened to sue the school if they allowed me to attend again. Now DH had his OWN time and BM had her own time for the conference but she was pissed that DH went with me and not her. BM made such a stink everyone at SS's school looks at us like we are all crazy now.