I wanted to comment, but Anne said everything I was thinking!! So I just thought I would chime in with "I second that", confirming her advice to you.

Good luck, hon. Be glad you don't have a child with him as well.

10 THINGS TO KNOW BEFORE YOU REMARRY
by Ron L. Deal

Eyes Wide Open

The following list represents key "costs" and "challenges" every single-parent (or those dating a single-parent) should know before deciding to remarry. Open wide both your eyes now and you-and your children-will be grateful later.

1. Wait 2-3 years following divorce or the death of your spouse before seriously dating. No, I'm not kidding. Most people need a few years to fully heal from a ending of a previous relationship. Moving into new relationships short-circuits the healing process, so do yourself a favor and grieve the pain, don't run from it. In addition, your children will need at least this much time to heal and find stability in their visitation schedule. Slow down.

2. Date two years before deciding to marry; then date their children before the wedding. Dating two years gives you time to really get to know one another. Too many relationships are formed on the rebound when both persons lack godly discernment about their fit with a new person. Give yourself plenty of time to get to know them thoroughly. Keep in mind-and this is very important- that dating is inconsistent with remarried life. Even if everything feels right, dramatic psychological and emotional shifts often take place for children, parents, and stepparents right after the wedding. What seems like smooth sailing can become a rocky storm in a hurry. Don't be fooled into thinking you won't experience difficulties. As one parent said, "Falling in love is not enough when it comes to remarriage; there's just more required than that."

When you do become serious about marriage, date with the intention of deepening the stepparent-stepchild relationships. Young children can attach themselves to a future stepparent rather quickly so make sure you're serious before spending lots of time together. Older children will need more time (research suggests that the best time to remarry is before a child's 10th birthday or after his/her 16 th; couples who marry between those years collide with the teens developmental needs).

3. Know how to "cook" [or make] a stepfamily. Most people think the way to "cook" a stepfamily is with a blender ("blended family"), microwave, pressure cooker, or food processor. Nothing could be further from the truth. All of these "cooking styles" attempt to combine the family ingredients in a rapid fashion. Unfortunately, resentment and frustration are the only results.

The way to cook a stepfamily is with a crock-pot. Once thrown into the pot, it will take time and low-heat to bring ingredients together, requiring that adults step into a new marriage with determination and patience. The average stepfamily takes 5-7 years to combine; some take longer. There are no quick recipes, only dedicated journeyman.

4. Realize that the "honeymoon" comes at the end of the journey for remarried couples, not the beginning. Ingredients thrown into a crock-pot that have not had sufficient time to cook don't taste good-and might make you sick. Couples need to understand that the rewards of stepfamily life (e.g., security, family identity, and gratitude for one another) come at the end of the journey. Just as the Israelites traveled a long time before entering the Promise Land, so will it be for your stepfamily.

5. Think about the kids: "Yours and Mine". Children experience numerous losses before entering a stepfamily. In fact, your remarriage is another. It sabotages their fantasy that mom and dad can reconcile, or that a deceased parent will always hold their place in the home. Seriously consider your children's losses before deciding to remarry. If waiting till your children leave home before you remarry is not an option, work to be sensitive to your child's loss issues. Don't rush them and don't take their grief away.

6. Manage and be sensitive to old loyalties. Even in the best of circumstances children feel torn between their biological parents and likely feel that enjoying your dating partner will please you but betray their other parent. Don't force children to make choices (an "emotional tug-of-war") and examine the binds they feel. Give them your permission to love and respect new people in the other home and let them warm up to your new spouse in their own time.

7. Don't expect your partner (new spouse) to feel the same about your children as you do. It's a good fantasy, but stepparents won't experience or care for your children to the same degree as you do. This is not to say that stepparents and stepchildren can't have close bonds, they can. But it won't be the same. When looking at your daughter, you will see a sixteen-year-old who brought you mud pies when they were four and showered you with hugs each night after work. Your spouse will see a self-centered brat who won't abide by the house rules. Expect to have different opinions and to disagree on parenting decisions.

8. Realize that remarriage has unique barriers. Are you more committed to your children or your marriage? If you aren't willing to risk losing your child to the other home, for example, don't make the commitment of marriage. Making a covenant does not mean neglecting your kids, but it does mean that they are taught which relationship is your ultimate priority. A marriage that is not the priority will be mediocre at best.

Another unique barrier involves the ghost of marriage past. Individuals can be haunted by the negative experiences of previous relationships and not even recognize how it is impacting the new marriage. Work to not interpret the present in light of the past, or you might be destined to repeat it.

9. Parent as a team; get your plan ready. No single challenge is more predictive of stepfamily success than the ability of the couple to parent as a team. Stepparents must find their role, know their limits in authority, and borrow power from the biological parent in order to contribute to parental leadership. Biological parents must keep alive their role as primary disciplinarian and nurturer while supporting the stepparent's developing role (read The Smart Stepfamily: Seven Steps to a Healthy Family for a complete discussion of parental roles). Managing these roles will not be easy; get a plan and stick together.

10. Know what to tell the kids. Tell them:

• It's okay to be confused about the new people in your life.

• It's okay to be sad about our divorce (or parent's death).

• You need to find someone safe to talk to about all this.

• You don't have to love my new spouse, but you do need to treat them with the same respect you would give a coach or teacher at school.

• You don't have to take sides. When you feel caught in the middle between our home and your other home, please tell me and we'll stop.

• You belong to two homes with different rules, routines, and relationships. Find your place and contribute good things in each.

• The stress of our new home will reduce-eventually.

• I love you and will always have enough room in my heart for you. I know it's hard sharing me with someone else. I love you.

• Work Smarter, Not Harder

Marriage Missions. Accessed on December 22.

A. You are too young to let this man or any other ruin your life. It's your life and you only get one chance to live it. Do you want to be happy or miserable? It's as simple as that.

B. You are too old to waste time with the wrong man. Frankly, I think you've already wasted too much time on him. This isn't high school.

C. You should understand right here and now that when you get involved with a man who has an ex and children, that ex and children are ALWAYS going to be a part of his life in some way, shape or form and, most likely, it will get ugly from time to time. If you can't deal with that, take your marbles and go home.

D. This is a textbook bad relationship. You need help, he needs help and you need to get that help separately. Don't worry about him, save yourself. He can either sink or swim on his own, but no one can save you but YOU.

E. Sometimes when you become obsessed with another person and create all these fantasies in your mind about where they, whom they are with, etc., those fantasies become self-fulfilling prophecies. You don't trust him because he is not trustworthy. But he knows you don't trust him, so he doesn't have to try to be trustworthy... he knows you won't trust him regardless and that gives him the power to go out and do whatever he wants.

I don't mean to be harsh, but are you really seeking advice or do you just want someone to tell you that it's okay to stay with this creep? A lot of times we ask for advice not because we really need it, but because we want someone to tell us that it's okay to do what we want to do. I'm not going to tell you it's okay to try to make it work with this guy, because he is abusive and you don't sound like you've got it together enough to contribute to a real, functional relationship, anyway. What do YOU want to do? Do you want to keep being this guy's punching bag or do you want to go out, get yourself together, embark on a fabulous life of your own and then someday meet the REAL man of your dreams? Honey, this guy isn't the man of your dreams... he is what nightmares are made of. Whether you want to dump this guy or not, you don't need my blessing or anyone else's... but I certainly hope for your own good that you kick him to the curb pronto.

I think you may want to really examine what it is you feel for this guy, because I don't think it's love on your part. Between wanting to be in this abusive relationship and wanting to kill yourself, it almost sounds like you are punishing yourself for something. He's toxic. Seek counseling for yourself and don't even worry about fixing the relationship with him.

~ Anne ~

I married my first husband out of guilt inspite of several very emotionally abusive years. At the time I thought that I loved him very much. But now I believe that love allows you to be the best that you can be and creates a sense of peace. The kind of insecurity, uneasiness and emotional roller coaster that you are experiencing is not the kind of love that lasts a lifetime. Don't wait for him to leave. Try some counselling...make the decision to leave and don't look back. It will be the hardest, and yet the greatest thing that you can ever do for yourself. Sometimes the grass really is greener on the other side! This is not about whether you love him enough, it is about whether you love you enough to expect the same in return. You deserve it!

1. You need to work on your self-image. If you loved yourself, you wouldn't let this happen to you.

2. Being "hit" is not acceptable, and you should run and not look back.

3. He might have gotten rid of the other mistress, but you are the new mistress.....especially if you have never met his children.

4. He sounds like a sick man who say's whatever makes you feel better.

5. You know what you should do. I think you might be seeking this site to find a reason to stay.

6. From what you have written, there is no reason to place yourself in this situation any longer. You said in the beginning that this has been the worst 2 years of your life. Do something about it.

7. Again.....If you loved yourself, you wouldn't let anyone hurt you.

Please get help to work this situation out so you can be in control of your life and start leading a happier one. Everyone has problems day in and day out.......but no one deserves abuse. Sorry if this is harsh, but being blunt is the only way to go in this situation.

I hope your life gets better.

You have provided your own advice in your message. I would recommend an great book, Get Rid of Him by Joyce Vedral, PhD. Excellent resource...easy read and great ideas about relationships that are unhealthy to remain in. Check it out...I loved it!

It will be very hard to leave this relationship without some professional help and support. This seems to be a very co-dependent relationship...you are both getting something out of this siutation and for you it is not healthy. Your relationship can't be based on love....love doesn't continually allow you to hurt each other and love doesn't make you feel on edge all the time. You deserve better!

You need to separate yourself from him and get into counseling to heal yourself. Then and only then will you be competent to make any relationship decisions. Then and only then will you be able to see whether the fault is yours, his or just that the two of you are a bad combination.

Also, just looking at this one snapshot into your relationship, if he were carrying on with her, would he call you in the middle of it to say he'd be late? I doubt it.

There are some people who are just not cut out to be parents. There are also people who are just not cut out to be stepparents. Maybe you are one of them. Who knows? But from reading your posts, it sounds like you are obsessing over a man who is abusive to you and this relationship is messed up on so many levels. The only advice I have for you is to get out and get help. I don't think this is even a step-parenting issue at the core.

~ Anne ~

I missed that part.

Doh!