Is it just me?
Do you ever wonder if these BM's who are so determined to undermine their children's relationship with their father, who want every penny DH makes and who generally do their best to make DH miserable, did they ever love DH in the first place or was it just sex for money the whole time? Is this the screwing he gets for the screwing he got and she has jut put a price on it? What does it say to the children that she is trying to reduce him from being a loving father to a sperm donor? What does it say to the children when they realize that she never could have possibly loved their dad and her need for revenge is more important to her then her need to raise happy, well adjusted children who have a good relationship with their father? Why do they make it all about money and control instead of showing their children that mom and dad did love each other and both of us still love you and we will get along and work things out because we both want to do the very best for you instead of putting a price on it like some expensive whore?
It's a very sad situation
It's a very sad situation that we see all too often. I know for a fact that while BM may have loved DH at some point...it sure is NOT evident in any thing she do today. Hopefully when Skids are old enough they will understand, especially is DH has done everything he could to make the situation as best as it could be.
Now I see why GOD has an order for things...One wife, one husband and their own kids...even if I did marry a divorcee!
BM got pregnant on purpose
The stories I have heard about my BM is that she got pregnant on purpose. My DH tells me that he was seeing other women at the same time and all of a sudden there was a mix up with her pills. yeah! right! He did the right thing and pays for it as well. She undermines the relationship that he has with the kids. I think her only gift is making DH bad in the eyes of the kids. For example:
MLK Day is in the local rule in our county. It is my DH year. BM lives by that stupid peice of paper. DH sent an email giving her a choice to have SS11 stay the night and be picked up with the other 2 or BM could drop him off from 9-7pm according to the rule. BM agreed to have SS11 be picked up (sorry to quote her the her son agreed to go) then she had SS13 call DH earlier this afternoon to spend the night with her. Now she will take the opportunity to tell them that their Dad said no because he hates her and that he doesn't want them to be with her. BM probably made "fun" plans and now that can't go because its their Dad's fault.
BM doesn't this constantly. Last summer I picked up the same settleness in SS14. Trying to make his Dad look bad. The kid admits that she lies but will cover for her while he is willing to throw his Dad under the bus.
similiar situation
BM got pregnant on purpose here too, but somehow has twisted this in her mind into FH ruining her life. Like she had all the opportunity in the world until HE wasn't as devoted as she felt he should be at 16 yrs old, so SHE felt the need to lie about birth control and get knocked up to keep him, only to cheat on him 2 yrs later, assault him physically when confronted, and take his child and all his belongings and disappear, only to resurface and demand CS.
In her mind, she's the one who's been responsible all these years, and FH has shirked his responsibility and been a "deadbeat dad". Apparently even though he's paid CS all along, and seen his daughter every time she'd allow it, never stood up to her in any way (until I came along }:) anyway) he's still a deadbeat. Even when he does right by all accounts, for example, we took SD on vacation with us for a week last summer, she said to SD "It's not like he's ever done anything for you before, so I don't get why it's such a big deal to take you now". Yeah, a peach. In her mind, she's justified to do and say whatever she wants in relation to SD and him as well.
It's a twisted reality she lives in, and she lies like a champ to justify the views she has. Until she gets caught, and then screams about some other subject. I am slowly trying to untangle the knots she's put in SD by modeling these behaviors over the years. SD is a good kid, and the only real behavioral problem we've found with her is lying when it suits her best interests, but that's a bigger red flag in her situation, b/c that's exactly what BM does and I fear that years of seeing that sort of crap will be so hard to undo. I'm up to the challenge though, I see so much potential and good in her, it's worth it...
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
I don't think parents should play pretend
"Why do they make it all about money and control instead of showing their children that mom and dad did love each other"
My FH never loved the BM and it was a drunken unfortunate mistake. He only talks to BM by email now and SD has never seen her parents together so I think she knows by know there was no love there. Yes I agree that they should get along for the sake of the kid but there does not need to be so much interaction between parents of a child who have both moved on a long time ago (at least my FH). To gain respect you must earn it. The BM in my life? They broke up when she was pregnant with SD and that was 16 years ago and she has never had another b/f and has never given up hope that my FH will get back with her. He moved 3 states away sold his house and won't talk to her but she still thinks this way so I think she is just CRAZY.
Situations are different......
I understand that your situation is different and I am sure your SD (like many othet children)will grow up knowing that. But my DH was married for 17 years and had four children with this woman. I just think it would be good for the children to know that she did love their father at some point and it wasn't just sex for money which is what she has turned it into. And I will always believe that two parents who can put their personal feelings aside and co-operate for the sake of the children is the best thing.
yeah that would be great but let's be realistic
"And I will always believe that two parents who can put their personal feelings aside and co-operate for the sake of the children is the best thing."
I think this is why almost all of us are on steptalk is because we are at one time or another venting about the BM! Yes in a perfect world that would be great for everyone to just get along.
My brother was married for 11 years and has been divorced for 4 and his ex-wife makes everything HELL for him. He had to take her back to court many times and just cut off communication with her and go directly through the courts. She USED to bad mouth him and our family to the kids until my brother had her ordered sent to a shrink and was going to file for custody.
My brothers ex-wife has always had the best that money could buy and is a stanford graduate but when they got married she immediately stopped working because she wanted to stay at home because SHE wanted one child. When they had problems and my brother wanted a divorce she tried to calm the situation down and then unbeknowst to my brother stopped taking the pill and got pregnant with kid #2. He was furious and almost left then but stayed for his kid and tried to make it work. He tried counseling, moving out for awhile, coming back, etc. to make this work in this relationship for HIS kids and the whole time his ex had a PLAN. As soon as the marriage hit 11 years (and my brother is a director now at a very prestigious company) she filed for divorce and of course ALIMONY. So they had to sell their beautiful $1M+ home and he gave her most of the $$$ so she could buy another house and pays alimony and CS somewhere in the area of $5K/mth. So yeah I believe parents should get along but when this women want the control, manipulation, and money you are pretty much fighting a losing battle.
In my situation, the more
In my situation, the more and more stories I have heard about their marriage even in the beginning she acted the same way she does now. I think men generally put up with a lot more crap than women do when they are trying to keep a family together but just one day men wake up and say enough is enough. My DH was married almost 18 years as well to the BM but she acted the same when they were married as she does now. She treated him as a babysitter and a wallet. I really don't think my BM is any different now than when they were together. At least that is what I have gathered from the stories I have heard. I don't think women that are generally good and normal women just change over night because their DH left and wanted a divorce. They might change for a while but they don't stay that way. When a BM stays that way and doesn't change years after the divorce you know the BM was really that way in their marriage from the start. So it is par for the course for them.
I remember my DH telling me
I remember my DH telling me well if you don't like it so what.. just deal with it. He told me later that this was a direct result of years of his ex telling him the exact same thing. He had no say in how they raised the children, family, etc. Because he had so much resentment about that he wanted me to know that I wouldn't walk all over him. He was still getting walked all over by her even after he was divorced.
So I think sometimes the DH acts totally opposite to the new wife because of all the crap they put up with.. No wonder 2nd and 3rd marriages don't last.
she just used my DH
she latched on when he was vulnerable and lonely and miserable. she tried to force him into a life w her--joint checking accts, moved herself in, etc...DH thinks she just wanted a baby and so she lied to him about being on BC and one nite when they were drunk, poof. i think she juts wanted to be taken care of. she definietly did it for her fat CS paycheck. she doesnt care about her kid like she pretends bc if so, she wouldnt have conceived her on the sly w a man who she KNEW didnt want kids w her. and once she was born, all shes done is try to make DHs life miserable for being in her life. if u love ur kid, why try to keep her dad out of her life? its a sad situation...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin