Am I really the wife? (long, sorry)
New question for all of you this morning. I've described alot of my experiences with the tag team of H & SD17...but what about my relationship with H? Because his indulgence of SD17 is a huge part of the problem.
Granted, we've only been married 5 months (but I kinda thought we were supposed to be in the honeymoon state-wrong).
But H is here usually on weekends only - it has been more the last month or so-he'd work 4 days, be here 3 days a week. And things are bothering me. I don't know, because the sd17 situation has me so upset, if I'm being too sensitive, or if this is abnormal. Here goes.
1. H has an apartment at work, which he shares w/one other guy. SD17 has a hair straightner there. SD17 has shampoo there. SD13 has a hairdryer there. I have nothing there. There is no room for me to leave anything.
2. At H's apartment, he has a framed photograph of his daughters in his bedroom. There's no photo of me-or of H and me, there. As he doesn't want a copy of our wedding photo. Says it make him look fat.
3. We go nowhere without him calling, texting, sending photos to SD17. Romantic meal? Not so much. Not when he has to be on the phone w/SD17 describing what he is eating and where. Everytime.
Romantic walk on the beach. Not this either. First, he just is too tired to walk it, second, he's taking photos on his cell to message to SD17.
4. When H is on the phone, (which is always, if SD17 isn't here) you would think he was talking to his wife or gf if you didn't know he was on the phone w/his daughter. Its babe this and babe that. Love ya, babe. Now, I want H to love his d's. I wouldn't want to be with a man who didn't love his kids. But when he calls her babe constantly, which, by the way, he also calls me, it makes me want to :barf:.
5. I bought a cute little Bebe top this summer. Wore it once. H told me it was too small for me. So I gave it to SD13. Well, SD17 liked it, so took it from SD13. Now, SD17 weighs 125 lbs. I weigh about 110 lbs. So, I said to H "how can she wear it if it's too small for me? She's bigger than I am". He got mad! How dare I suggest that SD17 would look anything less than adorable in whatever she might be wearing? But he sure didn't mind telling me it looked too small for me. (How is that possible, anyway? I'm 5'1", weigh in at about 110, she's like 5'4", weighs in at 125 lbs. Please explain)
6. You all know the couch story. Me with nowhere to sit, except the floor, as SD17 is stretched out on the couch, sleeping. In my home.
7. Straightened my hair (how I like it) to go out with skids. H asks me before we leave-"where's the curls?" (how he likes it). Pick up the skids. H says to SD17 (who has curled her hair-a rare thing)"Oh, I just love your hair. You look beautiful." Staring directly at me when he's saying this to her. Obviously a comparasion directed straight at me.
Am I the wife?
OMG. I think you need to
OMG. I think you need to sit down and discuss these points w/him. Let him know that EVENTUALLY sd 17 will meet a boy she likes, date, some day get married, and he will be second fiddle to the man she chooses. That YOU are the one he married, and as such should be the one that gets the kind of attention he solely shows her. That when sd17 finally starts her adult life, that he will be left w/nothing if he continues to isolate you. That you, being a rational and normal person, need affection and need to have that relationship put first, since you are there for the long haul.
This all just sounds to freakin creepy to me.
Actually, I've tried to talk to him about this
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
When I tried to discuss this with him, all I got was "You hate my kids" or "You hate SD17".
So, I started calling my son "babe" on the phone in front of H.
(I'm sure my son was baffled-we just don't talk to each other like that normally). And I'm gonna keep doing it till H feels like barfing. A small thing, I know, but aleast it's a little something.
I don't feel like a wife at all.
I would keep fighting it,
I would keep fighting it, keep bringin it up, keep explaining that you do not hate his daughters, you want him to love them, but that he needs to be more appropriate. You can even tell him that some people have brought up their behavior to you and you're embarrassed by how they act. Or ask someone you guys are close to to mention it in some way...like have a friend ask him why he calls his daughter babe & tell him its weird.
ouch
That kind of stuff hurts. My x used to sleep with his daughter when she would visit. Very weird if you ask me. I'd literally be pushed out of the bed so there would be room for her. The daughter. All I would ever get from him in response is that I'm jealous of his daughter.
Things like you just described would make you jealous. It has nothing to do with you not wanting the man to love his kids. But you want to be number one, as you should be. He should be so proud of YOU that he has your pictures up all over his room, maybe one of the kids. Seriously, this must hurt you alot.
My DH loves curly hair to, and I straighten mine often. SD has curly hair when she tries, but that kind of compairson would break my heart. Why would he even do that to you?
I have a son and I can't imagine looking at him telling him how handsome he is all the time, but never telling my husband.
The nick name thing bothers me to. Is there nothing reserved for the wife anymore? Yes DH's, love your daughters. They are your girls. But your wife if your woman. Reserve the pampering and babying for her, and if you can't, then atleast show her some of it!
Can you imagine how loved you'd feel if he treated you the way he does her? Right. So why doesn't he? No you are not a little girl but you are his girl.
I'd be hurt, and I'd let him know how this behavior hurts me and actually makes me resent SD to a point. Women, by nature, are jealous. And this would send any woman straight to the green eyed jealous monster.
((((Hugs)))))
Sounds weird to me. REALLY
Sounds weird to me. REALLY weird. For a dad to call his daughter "babe" I've never heard ANYONE use that term except when it is a romantic partner. Thats just creepy. And so is that much contact. My sisters and I are VERY close to our dad, but let me tell you, never would I hang on him, call him babe & talk to him 24/7...and neither would he. We talk almost everyday, yes, and we live in the same town, we spend 1 or 2 days a week with him & my stepmom and our kids. Its a healthy relationship, and we're all close. To me it sounds like their relationship is not healthy AT ALL! I would definitely bring all those points up to him. If he gets mad, oh well, at least he'll be thinking about it & maybe a light bulb will go on one day. Good luck!
Don't tell me what to do
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Don't tell me what to do is H's response anytime I try to bring up one of these issues. I get the same statement if I ask him to help me with anything here (like when I mentioned we needed to get the ceiling painted as the new tan paint on the walls doesn't go well with the blue paint on the ceiling). He says "Nothing I do is good enough for you, is it?"-all I said is the blue looks bad with the tan-followed by "I'm not going to do ANYTHING I don't want to do."
Yep. That's my life.
wow...why did you marry
wow...why did you marry him?! kidding...but it sounds like he's a little selfish & needs to learn about compromise. I'd find a marriage enrichment seminar & drag his but there.
My dh just recently started
My dh just recently started calling his daughter baby. I have heard it a couple of times. Normally he called her Sweetie. I havent said anything yet. It bothers me though. We have been together for 5 yrs. So why start now??? not sure.
Growing up, my dad referred to me as pumpkin. Still does. Never had the same nickname as my mom...
OMG bewitched. Did he just
OMG bewitched. Did he just turn a switch and start acting differently?? or was he like this before you married him?
I am assuming he WASNT...
Stepmomjen-no wonder he's your X
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And, I'm afraid, that's exactly where my H is headed. I really can't take this much longer. I just wanted a real marriage. I can handle him being gone at work so much. I can handle taking care of the yard and house myself. But I'm having a hard time with all of this, and you've all, once again, validated that this is abnormal.
2 weeks ago, H was lying in our bed. SD17 went in and laid down next to him, on my side of the bed. I just stood there and gave her a look that would kill. So she got up. H, again, totally oblivious. My son would never dream of laying in bed with me, even for a moment.
Just weird, Bewitched...
I agree with Melis...you REALLY need to bring this to his at-
tention, because it IS inappropriate. If he does not CARE
that he is hurting your feelings, then he does NOT deserve you.
This should NOT be up for debate. YOU ARE HIS WIFE, and unless
he starts treating you as such, he is not LOOKING for a wife.
He is looking for someone to "freeload" from, along with his
kids.
No picture of you in his apartment??!! That is just CRUEL!
You can't enjoy an uninterrupted walk or dinner? This is
heinous. I would get up and walk out if he interrupts a meal
or conversation with you to talk to his "babe".
None of this is normal, and I realize that this guy has emotionally beaten you down to where you feel you "deserve" it.
Whether it's this website or something else, you need to start
VALIDATING yourself outside of his parameters. He sounds like
a really MEAN person. Even if he WERE trying to make you
"jealous", why would he choose his OWN FLESH AND BLOOD to do so?
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
and I bet
if your son did lay in your bed, on DH's side, DH would be pissed wouldn't he? My DH bothers me with the double standards for the boys and girls things like that. He would tell SD to get off the bed to, but not nearly as harsh as he would to my son. And the response, well he's a boy and scratches his balls! Well she's a girl and she scratches her who who!
I would start acting sickning tward my son if I were you. I know your son will prob think you are nuts and his real mom has been abducted by aliens, but you've got to show him how stupid he is acting.
Say things like, "It sure is good to have such a strong man around".
"Wow baby, you look so handsome today"
"Everytime I look at you I beleive in God a little more"
"I bet one day you will be the President, America could use a man like you"
Stuff like that, and say it right in front of DH.
Wonder how that will make him feel....and I wonder how long it would take for him to say anything? Bet you'd notice the looks right off the back. From you son, who would now think you are nuts, and your DH, who will get jealous as hell. Just as he makes you feel.
It wasn't this way when we dated
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
We dated for 10 yrs. on and off. But for the majority of those years, he had the girls with him. He had custody. And he did a pretty good job. Disciplined them. Was totally into me (too much so, I sometimes thought). He'd leave them home and come over here almost every evening for a short period of time.
Then,2 or 3 yrs ago, he took the out of state job. Girls went to live with BM (actually, that's where SD17-then 14, wanted to live). During those years, we dated, and he was here only on the occasional weekend. So he'd visit his girls in the town they live in with their Mom, and visit me at my home. So I didn't see the interaction between them much. And in the meantime, SD17 was changing from a little girl to a young woman. But I just wasn't around him and girls much at all.
Then we got married. And that's when, of course, I started being around him when he is with his daughters, and seeing this bizarre interaction.
Sounds to me like a bait and
Sounds to me like a bait and switch. Sounds like you did NOT get the man you married. I would point those things out to him.
I dont know.. I dont know that I could live in a situation like that... actually.. I know I couldnt.
Try almost same scenario with a SS
Then 14 now 16
1. Hanging off/sitting on his Dad's knee until 11pm all night.
2. Dad rubbing his feet (gross!!)
3. Dad constantly tayloring our menus as Zippy doesn't like that-Zippy will not eat this
4. Dad cutting SSthen 14 meat as Zippy doesn't do bones-giving SS all the best cuts of meat (surprised he did not feed it to him)
5. Dad tucking Zippy in -lying down with him for a few minutes every night at 14
6. Dad letting SS14 at the time take over the living room TV when he has two of the best ones in the rec room and his bedroom-to watch cartoons and play video's in the living room 24/7 (now he mushrooms in the basement-as I just look at him and he scurries). We the adults had to watch Zippy's cartoons or cheer him on his X-Box (NOT ME)
7. When we had adult company SS would hang off his Dad, sit on his knee sucking his thumb THE WHOLE TIME! AT 14
8. Zippy had a special pillow and blanket (still has the pillow at 16-least he does not drag it with him everywhere he sits now)
I could go on and on and this is a BOY!!!
I tried being nice, I tried showing an example blah blah blah-
Finally I had it-I tore a strip off DH (before we were married) and point by point took pictures, documented, pointed things out nicely in public and said if this silliness with Zippy continues I think you and Zippy should live happily ever after! I would not be married to a man who spousified his teenage son!
I told him his job was to get SS ready for the world as God Forbid something happen to DH-this world would chew Zippy up and spit him out so fast it would make his head spin-
DH got the picture (literally) of how the whole thing looked to the world outside and he was devastated that he had done this to his son.
Things aren't perfect -but at least I am not having to watch the above scenario everyday!
WTF was he thinking?-I know he was not raised like that!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Crayon Got Some Ass!
Go Crayon! You got some ass about you!
Bait and Switch-
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I think a lot of the reason this wasn't apparent was the age of the children when they lived with H.
I don't like where my thoughts go on this one. I swear to you it was not like this when they were younger. But now, SD17 is a young woman (or nearly there). She dresses very provactively. Very. And I know a lot of the girls that age do. I remember trying it at 17, myself. For dates, tho. Not in front of my Dad. He would've been furious. As it was, they got on me about how I dressed for a date anyway.
My mind keeps going back to the day she had her homecoming, and wanted her dad to take her to supper before the dance. And to show him her dress. All pretty normal, ok. But-she comes out in this dress cut down to here-I mean, we're talking some serious boob showing. Brings him her camera. Did he just have her pose for a photo or two. Nope. Did he mention her low cut dress being too low? No. He clicked away as she posed this way and that, like she was on a fashion shoot. Pose after pose. Shot after shot.
I'm not kidding. Once again, I wanted to :barf:.
So the dynamics have changed dramatically since I was around H and his daughters. He's not like this with SD13 at all. She takes a back seat to everyone here. But, she dresses like a kid. Heck, she is still a kid, afterall. She'll be 14 in December. And remains sweet natured, generous, and modest.
And, frustratedinMA, I don't think I can continue to live like this either.
Arianna, they were never married in the first place
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And the children were very young when they stopped living together. SD17 was 6, SD13 was 2. The split came when they had a third baby, which turned out not to be his.
I told H it bothered me when he called his d "babe". His response? He told me "I can call anyone I want to "babe" and you're not going to tell me how to talk". And again accusing me of hating SD17. And continuing on like I never said anything in the first place.
How do you restrain yourself?
How do you not just turn around to him and tell him to
GO TO HADES??? (polite version); he sounds like a pompous,
self-absorbed JACKA$$! I'd have his smelly hiney out the
door so fast he wouldn't know what happened.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
seriously? I would be
seriously? I would be looking for a way out. Sorry.
Because I was stupid enough to become financailly
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Because I was stupid enough to become financially dependent on him.
I was working at a bank when we decided to get married. His first order of business was to ask me to quit my job. Because he works so far away, he didn't want me at work when he is home. Understandable.
And his credit was lousy (he promised me, before we married, that he had his finances in order-well, they are better, but things are still showing up that he did not take care of), so he talked me into charging things on my credit card. So I'm sunk. No job (yes, I'm looking) and payments I would simply never afford to be able to make on my own. Even with a job. And due to the short duration of this marriage, I wouldn't stand a chance of getting any financial help from him in court.
My bed. I've made it. Now laying in it.
ummm.. ok.. not only am I
ummm.. ok.. not only am I know convinced this was a bait and switch, it sounds to me he made sure you couldnt leave once his true self came out.
Is it possible to get your job back? Is there another job you could get? As for the credit card.. could you file bankruptcy, and start fresh??
Nothing is ever permenant.. you owe it to yourself to get out of this mess. You were deceived, duped. Everyone goes through stuggling times here and there. Staying in this situation is not good for your self esteem, and NOT worth it.
I agree. It's not worth it.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
My position at the bank has been filled-actually went to lunch with one of the girls I worked with there and they filled it months ago.
Looking at jobs available in our community, there are 6. One is foreman for freight company. Must be able to lift heavy boxes. One is for a copier tech-something I would have no qualifications for. One is for a pharmacy director-degree required. Well, you get the idea...but I am looking. That's what keeps me going-there's a job or schooling in my near future. There has to be. It can't keep going like this. In the meantime, I am trying desperately to pay down all the additonal debt incurred in my name since I've married H and acquiring no more.
Jumping in late on this one
Bewitched,
We've talked about these types of issues with SD17 before. But these newest examples you wrote about today just made my blood run cold.
*The apartment "reserved" for them (mostly her)
*NO private time for you as a couple
*"Babe" as a term of endearment for you & her
*the prom dress incident
We said it before. Creepy is one word. But I'm gonna say it. Incestuous is more like it. If it's not full-out physical, well it sure as heck is emotional. The clear boundaries of the father-daughter relationship have been blurred beyond recognition.
This is just plain wrong.
My advice: Cut and paste all of these examples out in a word document and take them to a therapist ASAP. No more waiting. You need some serious professional advice on this one, girlfriend. This is just downright sick.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you know we're ALL thinking it at this point. Even you are.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
oh.. if you have schools
oh.. if you have schools near you. Look into becoming an ultrasound technician or something along those lines.. Not only are they in demand, they make good money. You could get a student loan to go to school, and they normally will give you an amount to be able to live off of.
Do they have more jobs that are PT in your area.. as you could do PT while going to school to get training in a new area.
I'm calling the Mental Health Clinic today
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
and cut and paste is what I'll do. I get into those situaitons and everything flies right out of my head.
I do have a call out about a p/t job..and am looking at the workforce center for help in training...you never know.
Just a speedbump
Bewitched--Seriously, this situation you find youself in is just a speedbump in your life journey, not a brick wall. But speedbumps look like brick walls when you are at the bottom looking up.
I, too, am at the bottom of my speedbump, looking up. I get so angry at myself sometimes--I am an educated, smart woman--how the hell did I let myself get into this awful situation? Why did I allow myself get into amazing debt after marrying DH? Why didn't I see this coming?
Why did I let myself get to financially and emotionally trapped in a relationship with a man who clearly cares more for his adult brats than for me? Why didn't I see his profound lack of boundaries and guilt parenting before the "I do's?"
Why? Why? Why? I drive myself crazy sometimes. I suppose the only sane thing I can do is to take one step toward repairing my situation each and every day. Eventually I will have enough steps behind me to get over this self-imposed speedbump so I can once again be free.
So hang in there! You are not alone--you have friends here who understand
Wow-I thought I was the only one
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
And I have been feeling so ashamed. Too ashamed of talk to any of my friends here or family about it. This is not my first marriage. I am not a young, inexperienced woman. And to make a mistake of this magnitude at my age is so shameful.
I do have a plan for myself. Waiting to hear on the part-time job, waiting for the Mental Health to call me back, going to the vocational school next week (h is supposed to be here tomorrow, so that's out). Little things, but I love the way you put it. One step each day. Thank you, Sarah101
I need you gals, please have patience
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
To one and all of you, I need you so much right now. I'm formulating a plan-here's what I'm going to do. (Can't do much tomorrow as H is coming home).
1. First of the week, go the the vocational college here and check into the Respiratory Therapist program. The LPN might be a stretch-it's not here, and if I go it alone, I won't be able to afford the travel. Resp. Therapy starts in the fall, I know that much.
2. Find a job-any job! And try to save as much as I can. H ain't gonna like it, to be sure. But I think it's reached that point.
3. Talk to a therapist. Even if H won't go.
4. And if things continue in this vein, I'll just have to ask for a seperation. But, No. 2 has to be met before I can even consider that.
So, it's not going to happen overnite. But, as Sarah101 said, one day, one step.
Hope you all can continue to listen to me, offer me your kindness and common sense suggestions.
Over 40, I'm not young. But perhaps I was meant to spend my life alone. I thought, when I was single for sooo long, that it was an empty way to spend my life. But, if I had a career where I could actually help people (therefore, the medical field), I don't think it would feel empty at all.
Love you guys!
Life begins at 40, 45, 50...
YOU decide!! You are embarking upon a NEW chapter in your life!
One that YOU ARE GOING TO WRITE!! How exciting!
Don't beat yourself up for past mistakes....we all make them.
If you've LEARNED from them, that's all that matters.
I truly believe that ALL THINGS HAPPEN for a reason. The lessons you have learned from this JERK will make you stronger
and less likely to fall for someone like him in the future.
YES, IN THE FUTURE!! You WILL find love again!! Next time,
tho, it will be HEALTHIER and FULL OF MUTUAL RESPECT!!
Hugs, girl!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
You Go Girlfriend - I'm so proud of you
After reading your posts last week, you were so hurt, so confused, angry, frustrated and just venting but now, you've made progress. You have a list, you have goals, you are thinking about yourself and putting you first and I think that is FANTASTIC and it's been a long time coming. The medical field sounds like a wonderful field for you, as you are so loving and nuturing from what I can tell.
Have you tried writing DH a letter? Sometimes I think it's better when it's down on paper, you then can say exactly how you feel without being interrupted by DH or SD17 phone calls and you can express your concerns that if things stay the way they are your not sure if this marrage will last. DH will then be able to read it in his own time and hopefully absorb it more. I just don't think he is seeing the full picture here and how much his relationship with SD17 is affecting you.
As for DH calling SD17 "babe or baby" I certainly wouldn't like it, that's what BF calls me as well. Maybe you could say to DH or add it in your letter, that if he is going to start calling SD17 babe then you would like a new nickname. Explain to him that you would like a nickname especially for you and you for him so it can be something special between you two not just a name he can say to anyone including his daughters.
You know we are all here for you in your time of need.
**BIG BEAR HUG JUST FOR YOU**
I'm so glad you have a PLAN!
That's a big important step. It helps to see that there's possibilities and make you feel like you can indeed accomplish things when they're written out.
I know a lot of the ladies suggested "turning the tables" on him, so to speak in terms of mirroring what he does to you- calling your son "Babe", and so on. But just be very careful- he might get very confrontational if he sees it as a direct "slap in the face" to what he does with his daughters.
I don't want to add to your anxiety, but just be careful. You don't need any more nonsense with him at this point, you know?
We're all here for you.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis