Does being married to a man w/kids mean we own nothing??
I was reading frustratedinMA's blog, about the tooth pillow. I'm sure to her H it was just that-a pillow. Nothing more.
But, the point it is, it is her's.
In my first life (married to ex) we had 2 sons. I still had things that were mine, as did my then H, and did my sons. The boys knew, for instance, that you did not touch my purse. They knew enough to stay out of our bedroom (unless there was an emergency). They did not use my workout equipment without asking first. You know, just general common courtsey.
That's the issue behind the pillow - since marrying H, he acts as tho everything is his, and sds, to do with as they please. For example, there's Max. My golden retreiver-and close companion. H tells SD17 she can take Max w/her when she goes to spend the week with H at his apartment. (didn't happen-she ain't gettin my dog along w/everything else.)Point is-did he even ask me? Did he say honey, is it all right if she brings Max? Ha. The thought never even crossed his mind. SD17 comes over, lays in MY bed - (right next to her father, on my side of the bed). Now, there are 3 beds in the house-two extra rooms. Will Not Happen Again. One of the sd's wanted some lotion-I have several bottles of lotion I bought at Bath & Body. H told me to give them a bottle of mine. SD17 had to drive to the dentist-and her car was having trouble. H told her she could take my Jeep. I said no. Told him I would drive her to the dentist. But she's not taking my Jeep. The loan is in my name, the title is in my name, the insurance is in my name. And I'll be damned if I'll end up holding the bag if SD17 wrecks it. H has a laptop. SD17 has a laptop. She comes to my home, what computer does she use? My PC.
Girls, I'm not a selfish person-before I married H, there was more than one occasion that I loaned him money. I have loaned money to friends who were short (and I had very little money to loan, trust me). I've donated time (taught Sunday School, Boy Scouts, been a teachers assistant, was on the library board). Heck, once a friend of mine had to take an emergency trip as her daughter was flown out by air ambulance. I gave her $400.00. All the emergency money I had on me.
But I am so tired of having to fight for every little thing-I feel like a non-person here. Like I have absolutely no rights, no ownership of anything. All over a spoiled 17 yr old and her overindulgent father.
How do you all handle this-or is my H an exception, and your husbands actually respect your rights?
My husband always asks & is
My husband always asks & is very considerate. He asks my opinion on everything. He's an amazing person & I can honestly say I have no complaints! I'm lucky I have him. He is probably the reason I'm always trying to give all the DHs spoken about on here the benefit of the doubt!
You have to be like a dog
And piss on everything in the house. Sorry, hope that doesn't offend anyone! I am very hypervigilant about that kind of thing and can see (despite the clutter) when something has been moved or is missing (kind of like Rainman). So I almost ALWAYS notice when DH or SD has been into something, and I call them on it.
So, DH has learned to respect my boundaries. My problem is more with SD, who will go through my stuff. So I'll find a door ajar in a way I didn't leave it or a drawer not closed all the way. I HATE that. I don't like the thought of people going through my things. If you need something, come ask me.
So, for example, SD15 will take my conditioner because she uses like a bottle a week, and DH just tells her to use mine. OK, I don't have a problem with that per se, but then she doesn't return it. So I'm in the shower, wet and soapy, and I can't find the conditioner. I know exactly where it went, but I can't exactly get out of the shower to fetch it so I end up with snarly, nasty hair and a bad attitude. Then I let DH have it, and he deals with SD. After a few times of that, SD either stopped using it or started returning it.
I DO NOT have a problem with people borrowing things, if they ask and I say yes. I DO have a problem with someone asking to borrow something and not returning or asking once and assuming they have free access whenever. SD does both. She asked to "borrow" a pair of my socks to go roller skating (she only wears the kind that barely cover your heel) and I said yes. I never got those back, and in subsequent turns at roller skating she just "borrowed" a new pair each time. What happened to the first pair she borrowed, and did she ask for the others? Hell no. I found them in her drawer.
Or my blow dryer. I rarely use it, and it's in the drawer in my bathroom. SD has her own but asked to "borrow" mine one time and I said yes. After that she helped herself whenever she felt like it. The first time I caught her I told her asking to borrow it once wasn't the same as getting free access. She argued and got snotty with me. So, the next time she wanted it she again took it without permission. I said something to DH AGAIN, to make my stance clear. Then, I moved the blow dryer. I heard SD go looking for it (opening drawer then slamming closed). She didn't find it, and she knew better than to come ask to "borrow" it. I haven't had a problem with it since (that I know of).
Just some examples of how you have to stake your claim. (It also works to put "stuff" on top of where you hide your valuables. My husband won't bother to look too hard if it means moving stuff around (where I will notice it).
Elizabeth, I'm with you on THIS!
Stake your property. "Call" your stuff. You have to, because in our house, SDs (especially princess SD16) respects no one's property.
In the kitchen, MY KITCHEN, I have written on my cordless phone, "Replace IMMEDIATELY after using- OR ELSE! Because SD16 will take cordless phones to her room and we never see them again. Because while she has her own cell phone (which daddy buys her) it's often never charged. Then I have to hunt through the house to find a house phone!
She's "borrowed" my hot hair curlers once. And I had to hunt for those, too. And you don't want to know the state I found them in- I just went out and bought myself a new set.
Basically, whenever something is missing in the house, I know where to look- SD16's room. It's ususally there. She feels that she can pretty much take whatever she pleases. It's infuriating and disrespectful. She even took my disabled son's special calculator with the extra large buttons (he has trouble with smaller buttons).
She never asks- just takes. And never returns.
I've given up even bringing this subject up to DH. I just "recover" whatever I can from her without mention...and sometimes some "extras", too.
Hey, payback's a bitch!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
Guilt Parenting Indeed!
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Everything has been puzzling me so much. How could this man, who I dated for so many years, treat me like crap over his kid? But it's clear to me now-all those years we dated, the girls lived with him, and he did discipline them.
Then, 3 yrs ago, he took the out of state job. The girls went to live with BM. And when I saw him, it was rarely with the girls. So I didn't see the change in their relationship. Then WE GOT MARRIED. This has been a shock to me. Really. I watched him raise those girls. He made them behave. Now this-guilt parenting. Wow. I had no idea. No idea he would let SD17 run the show. None.
Again, I find myself thanking you all. It's been driving me crazy here.
Melis, I'm glad for you, girl. But also very envious.
I finnally had to put a lock on my closet
to keep sd and bd from "borrowing" my things. Now, if I am asked and I say yes that is one thing but when my things just walk away , I get angry.
It is all about boundaries. My dh has none and this has been a problem in my home. It makes me absolutely LIVID when people help themselves to my things without asking and if dh expected me to just sit back like it was okay I think I would explode.
Bewitched, I don't think it is selfish at all. You should be entitled to use your own things without having to guard them like a hawk for fear that they will dissappear or be loaned to sd. I would never use anything of sd's withoiut asking her and I expect her to ask me. This also goes for my bd.
I know it is tough; Red wine helps.
Ahhh, red, red wine...
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Next question to you all- why do we stay in situations like this?
Ok. Your answer will probably be-because I love H.
But. Here's the big but-I have loved a number of men in my life. And chose not to stay with them because of some character flaw that I knew I could not deal with. For example, one was an atheist. I have a strong belief in God. Therefore, I ended the relationship when I found out. Another confessed to me that he had cheated on his wife (he was a widow) when she had cancer. Another moved to Arizona for his career. I couldn't marry him as my son would not go with me, and I could not leave my son. And I really loved that guy.
So, had I known that life with H would be a life of being treated not like a beloved spouse, but like an unwelcome intruder in my own home, I would never have married him. Never.
The question-why do we stay and take this crap?
I hide my stuff when SD comes
My laptop and jewelry box are hidden where she will never find them (she has learned to stay out of my bedroom and bathroom thank God!). Also I will only loan her things that are very old, after she DROPPED MY NICE COAT IN THE FLOODED BATHROOM FLOOR of the restaurant, then wanted me to carry it. I went ballistic and I think I scared both her and DH, who actually went to the dry cleaners with it.
I have a million sisters, cousins, girlfriends, and nothing good ever comes of loaning or borrowing things - that's what all our fights have been about. You are not selfish - if you are like me, you can't afford much and need to keep what you do have!! It is yours honey!! Spin that head around on DH and put the fear of god in them both!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
Good question bewitched
Sometimes I ask myself just that. If I knew that this was the way it was going to be I probably would have opted out before we got serious. But then that is easy to say now. Dh is a good guy and I do love him but I can't say I am fond of all the crap that seems to go with it.
And like you I have loved a few different men in my life and have left them for less. Maybe I am just to tired to start over.
Bewitched.. you know where
Bewitched.. you know where I stand on this subject. While sd is only 9 1/2 right now, it wont be long til she is a teen, and wanting my jewlery. Jewlery that my parents bought me, and jewlery that, while I dont wear it all, I do not want to part w/it either.
We have had the bedroom talk. I made it a rule, as it was a rule in my family, you dont go in the adults' bedroom. You dont just open a door and walk through it, you KNOCK first and then WAIT to be given permission to enter. We found that sd ignored these rules, as she used almost an entire bottle of perfume on herself and then cornered a cat in my room.
Recently, sd has taken to using my brush. SD has a brush in her room, that is hers. I was mad. I told sd (calmly) you must use YOUR brush, and not mine. Its not good hygiene to be sharing brushes. I now have to HIDE my hairbrushes come the weekends the skids are there. That annoys me.
I think it's so hard to know what is mine, yours, ours....theirs
Growing up in a home with both BioPs those lines were blurred. But with multiple houses, exponential parenting...it's so much harder.
One thing I worry about is BM, who now sees SD one overnight a week (if she can fit it in)would feel like she deserved the whole house and everything in it if something happened to DH. I just know she would. That does worry me.
As far as the little things, if I designate something as mine (like the special organic expensive cranberry juice that helps me fend off bladder infections, a treat I bought for me or BD 2, or shampoo, hair spray, whatever it is, SD must have it. MUST. Take it if necessary. As far as lotions she had someone buy her one like mine- because so many of the types she wears set off my allergies (and hers but then it's the dog if she wants to keep using them.) But...
Can't I have my own fragrance?
I know part of it is modeling, but...
Can't I have something that's just me?
Sometimes having her in my life makes me feel like an insecure teenager with no freedom or individualized identity in my family. Guess I can sympathize with her on that then.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Oh and as far as the dog...
SD has always claimed all pets as "MINE." When we moved in she had a cat and dog that were "hers." Then that cat and dog have since passed away, but even the cat and dog we now have are "MINE."
Nope.
DH has made sure she knows that the cat was the one I picked to keep from the litter of the other cat. Another kitten SD picked, SD allowed/encouraged the neighbors to feed and let inside until the cat decided that was her home. I feed the cat we have and he prefers my company to hers. That irritates her. When we got the new puppy we decided she would be part of my 40th b-day present, and I would share her with the family. That way she can be all of ours equally, until SD decides to claim her.
BUT...
SD doesn't like that. So now whenever she has a cold she blames the dog for her "allergies." That's another post.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
Yours, mine, ours, etc.
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
I consider personal items to be mine-like my clothes, my shoes, my perfume, etc. And as far as the dog goes (and the cat) they were mine long before we married. And I don't mean mine to sound proprietary-I mean, as far as the pets go-they stay with me! Of course I don't try to prevent Skids from playing with them, enjoying them when they are here. But taking them away with them-that's another matter entirely.
I do not have a problem loaning just about anything,or sharing, if I'm asked. But to be told to hand it over, to have it taken and used without a word to me, is where I get upset. And I wanted to make sure the skids felt comfortable here-like it's a home away from home, so to speak. But I have H, who is sending the message to his kids that H is the big Kahuna and they can do whatever they want when they're here. And I shouldn't say they here. I should say SD17.
But when H announced to me, two weeks into the marriage, that he and BM had decided the 13 yr old should live here with me-I drew a line. Now, if H lived here on a daily basis, that would be different. But, for example, he hasn't been here for almost 2 weeks now. That's how his job is. So, I would've been, basically, a single parent to SD13. And while I love her, I am not willing to walk that road. But, he and BM, and SD17 (from conversations w/her it became apparent she also was in the decision to have SD13 live with me)made a decision, a major decision, to have SD13 live here, and I wasn't even asked! Of course, it didn't happen-we had a row from hell. Thought two weeks was all the longer H and I were going to be married.
The more introspection I gain from my postings, the more I see where the true problem lies. I'm an adult. Alone, I can deal with SD17 and her attitude. It's H taking the position against me, in all things concerning her, and my rights, that is the root of the problem. If he would treat me as the wife, present an attitude of-this is my wife, and she will be repected in her own home, I wouldn't be experiencing the problems I now am facing.
We've only been married 5 months, so SD17 is not going to feel like a daughter to me. Just as my sons will not feel like sons to him. It's the age thing. She is nearly grown
And perhaps it sounds proprietary, and it is to some degree. I have said to H that this is our home-painted rooms to OUR liking, took down some of my things and put his up. But when I get told by H that having this "little person in my way everytime I turn around" and that I "irritate" him, while standing in my own, and I do mean my own, living room, well, guess who can move out? Not me. It's my house.
.
DH is definitely the key
My DH demands SD respect me, she is hell bent on establishing herself as a priority. This is a BM trait, and likely why SD and BM aren't getting along either. It's one thing to be the only real selfish person in your house and creating havoc, imagine only two selfish people under the same roof, both vying to establish control. That's what it must be like at BMs.
I don't know what I'd do if DH didn't support/respect me. But it hasn't really done much to aid SD in doing the same. If anything, because she is so oppositional and self focused, it makes her more determined to come between us in my opinion.
I don't know how you do it BW. If DH ever stopped seeing my needs as number one in my house? I would leave him.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra